Lipstick Weekend

just keep applying and smile
say as little as possible
because lips are pretty but
not always what passes through

over and over
the past would push through
scratching at tenuous contentment
gouging at delicate inner ears

unprepared response
just felt raw
coloring a bright and sunny
perfect day duller

eyes looking out at rain
shined streets, collected puddles
reflecting blue skies and soft drifting
clouds with promise of more rain

just keep applying and smile
looking out the window at
city streets passing traffic
people I wish I could be

would my life be different
if I'd kissed you instead
would my life be
happy and full and blessed

a step slightly more left
or right
and I'd feel the sun on my skin
and maybe not feel this

Akeru and the Question, Always the Question

 

 

(Enough Already)

What am I? 

What have I been up to?  Let's be honest, I've been going with it and not thinking too much.  At least when I am not over-thinking.

I'd like to keep it to just me.  Not Mom me.  Not work me. 

I get out when I can and love it.  I will see a band here and there.  Catch lunch or dinner with a girlfriend.  Drag my sons out with me (I know, no Mom me) to a band, an art showing, a science presentation.  They act like they are doing me a favor and either like it in the end or act like they merely tolerated it while talking about what we saw and did.  I love it.

I've had sex.  Twice.  I'm sort of seeing Matt.  Was that eye rolling I hear?  A quiet groaning dimming the light of the screen?  Or perhaps layered with that the slipping thought of, 'It's about fucking time.'

How was it?  Interesting.  Different.  Confusing.  It's like most things with me, a little running list of pros and cons.

I typed a lot, then erased it...I'm not sure what to say and what not to say.  I suppose lately I have been considering a few things.

-What is intimacy to me now?
-Do I even know what love is?
-Am I even capable or did everything from two years ago burn it out of me?
-Are my hang ups valid?
-Are the hang ups I have telling?

I bought a truly bitch'n pair of heels today.  You know, the 'Heels that can change your life' kind of heels.  Heels that make people turn their heads and watch you with their eyes.  A guy asked me if he could give me his number.  It's flattering to be acknowledged as being pretty.  It's nothing sleazy.  I'd like to point that out.  I've never been turned on by that kind of attention.

Hang up: I don't feel I could wear these heels with Matt because he's barely my height when I am barefoot and it bugs the hell out of me.  But in the end, if he's the most amazing companion, does it fucking matter?!!? No.  It wouldn't bother him either, if I wore them.  But I am not entirely past it and I vacillate between feeling shallow and total acceptance either way.

I have an acquaintance, she was telling me about a few men she's dated.  We're both single Mom's with two kids.  Hers are much younger than mine.  She has this uncanny ability to meet men that are loaded, but crazy or just riddled with problems.  As she was describing these two men she'd met I couldn't help but think about how great Matt is in comparison.  How lucky I am to have met a grown up man I really enjoy spending time with. 

This makes me question what it is I find attractive, what I want, what I have wanted and why.  Am I settling just because he's consistent and nice and good company?  I feel like I am always waiting for the shoe to drop, the rug to be pulled out from under me...whatever expression that follows you like. 

I worry I am not dating enough.  I am not dating at all, except Matt.  This makes me nervous. 

Interestingly I have been spoken to a few times.  Today that man asking me if he could give me his number.  He paid me an incredible compliment.  I gave him my card but I won't meet him...not interested.  The other night seeing a few bands at a local venue, I didn't even know this guy was talking to me at first.  It is that unfamiliar to me to be spoken to when I am out.  Again, not someone I would date.  He's young and he wanted me to 'hang out' with him at his place after the show.  Um, thanks but no. 

I am afraid to commit to someone.  I don't know why.  Matt has said a few times he has fallen for me, that he thinks about me in the long term.  He's said he understands why I am hesitant, that he was in the same place not too long ago.  He lets me know where he is at and lets me have the freedom to be where I am.  His no pressure approach and how easy it is for us to be together makes it so damn easy to want to be around him more. 

My girlfriend asked me if I would go out with someone else if I wanted.  I might.  Then again, I might not.  I'm not comfortable considering meeting someone else for a date considering how much time Matt and I spend together, but then again I am worried I am not holding to my commitment to Date...

My thoughts and my actions are two different things.  I spend time with Matt and enjoy it, and sex isn't the leading factor to our spending time together.  It is just that easy.  I acknowledge my hang ups and concerns and think about them.  I think about a lot of things, positive and negative.  I think and I spend time with Matt and there isn't anyone else catching my attention...and I'm not looking...

I guess those questions never quiet.  I don't trust being in love.  I'm not sure it has served me well in the past.  I don't fully trust love either.  Why would I?  Yet, I want to.

I suppose I have a lot of learning ahead of me.  I don't mind.

I Think Red Velvet Cake is Gross

In my city we have a few terrific bakeries.  My favorite is in an historic section of town and they specialize in cupcakes.  Freaking amazing and delicious cupcakes.  I rarely ever go and I am so very relieved it is not down the street.  My favorite is the Maple Waffles and Bacon cupcake.  Then the Salted Caramel.

I have never had red velvet cake anything that I think is a delight.  It is one of those foods that looks terrific and doesn't deliver.  It's dry.  I also find cream cheese frosting disgusting.


This was a random thought that has nothing to do with my post.

I do like the word Velvet. In the styling of Lloyd of Dumb and Dumber I like the word Velvet Ah Loht.

I am having a really good hair day.  My labs came through as normal.  Ultrasound is next appointment on Thursday at 8:15am.  I thought my period was finished but, I ... well, lets just say it isn't.  I guess things are touchy down below and they'd better get over it because I am not going to live my life this way for much longer.  Stubborn Ginger Attitude rising.

I just spent $300 at Walmart on groceries and a few bathroom supplies for the boys and I.  I am offended with Walmart and myself for my shopping being that much.

This isn't stressful at all considering work is ridiculously slow.  But hey!  I have food in the house and two teenaged boys.  It should last until tomorrow night.

Matt and I are going to his friends reception Saturday.  I have a wedding in a few weeks and I am thinking of bringing him as my plus+one.  Does that mean we are seeing each other?  We text every day.  I think about him a lot.  The things he says, his behavior.  I very much appreciate the things in our lives that slow everything down for us.  Considering all the details I find him to be extremely consistent, positive, aware.  That is really attractive to me.  I still don't know what to do with it all, so I am not doing much but going with the flow.

My sons are balancing out in the lippy and flaky departments.

Everything is fairly peaceful.

Also, I like Doctor Who, my black classic vans, skinny jeans, pretty dresses, and reasons to laugh.

I am sure I like many more things but that's good enough for now. 

Seriously? Seriously?!!?

I have been on my period for 16 days.  Let me tell you, I don't feel any different but for having to change my Tampax two to three times a day, and the light and occasional cramping.  Oh, like a regular period that lasts four days and only one of those actually feels like being on my period.

If you feel this is a bit on the TMI I do not apologize.  I have been to the nurse practitioner, same day I called to report my little problem because Kaiser feels it is important enough to address asap.  This is the first time it has ever happened.  No, no there is no chance I can be pregnant.  Not unless a non-virgin, sterilized by tubal ligation mother of two can experience immaculate conception, or something that approximates it.

I had the pleasure of having a uterine biopsy.  During a uterine biopsy the patient gets to lay in a cold room undressed from the waist down with legs spread, feet supported by these little cold foot holds.  Then the practitioner inserts the speculum.  This opens up the patient.  Not too comfortable but tolerable.  Tolerable because there are these lovely pictures stapled to the ceiling for the patient to focus on.  Then a mini speculum is used to 'stabilize' the cervix.  What a delight!  Let me try to describe it.  Ever had a bad phlebotomist stab your vein with a needle that feels like it is the size of a pencil?  It's kind of like that, but so much more multiplied and INSIDE of you.  Then the biopsy is performed on the uterus.  This was the part I was informed would be very uncomfortable.  I think it was a set up so I wouldn't try to run away when they stabilized my cervix.  The biopsy was a walk in the park on a pleasant day in one of the pictures over my head by comparison.  Then the patient gratefully experiences removal of devices, left to clean themselves up and dress and leave on their own power.  The cramps driving home are a lovely side effect, followed by ibuprofen upon arrival at home.  I do not have the results back yet. It frightens me to know there is little the medical industry can do to detect cancer or other problems, even with a pap test.  Pap doesn't cover ovarian or uterine cancers unless they metastasize to the cervix.  Isn't that a pleasant thing to learn?  After all this, minus probing my butt, I will know without a doubt I am healthy.  I will KNOW it.  Unless I do have cancer.  I wonder if I should try to schedule the butt probing? 

I do have the results back from my scan for varicose veins.  I have varicose veins in my left leg.  No shit.  Now I have a rescheduled consultation with the surgeon.

I have the results back from my hormone panel.  Apparently, and this due to my own research since they didn't provide normal ranges for comparison, I am in normal ranges.


Barbara, the friend I have let go, offered tickets to a Social Distortion show I really wanted to go to explaining to me that we can't ever be close friends again, but we can be show friends.  This is after attacking me for not letting her know that her (at the time) ex-boyfriend text messaged me as he was using me by letting me know she'd been using me in their relationship battles.  I declined politely.  I wanted to say, 'Are you kidding me?  There is no fucking way I want to sit in a car with you for 6-8 hours or enjoy another outing with you to see a favorite band.  She then posted pictures of herself and the boyfriend enjoying the show.  OMG.  She also tagged me on Facebook about shopping in a little thrift store we like.  All after letting me know she'd like me to not text her back and thanks for taking her boyfriends side and being disloyal to her.  Then blocking me for a few hours so I couldn't defend myself or explain Again even if I wanted to.  Which I didn't.

Crazy.

My fourteen year old is really frustrating me.  My 18 year old has been lippy...

I'm tired and I need a road trip to somewhere nice for a few days.

I am broke.  So broke it ain't no joke.

I'll watch Doctor Who until it is time to go to work to do my girlfriends hair color for free, and a clients haircut.  Gotta bring in that $25.

Ah, but something to look forward to.  English Beat at a favorite venue coming soon.  Maybe I can't have a holiday, but I can dance my ass off and pretend my life isn't complicated for a few hours.

Ripples Can Distrupt What Is Reflected

Yesterday, Sunday.  I woke up to the sound and smell of rain.  Hard rain.  It was brief but any rain is welcome in California right now.  The cool heavy feel of moisture in the air was wonderful.  I had a day of no pressure, no worries.  Not really. 

Yet I still felt anxiety.  I could trace the triggers back to Barbara and letting her go and her insultingly crazy behavior.  Her ripples were causing anxiety and the anxiety was reflected onto Matt. 

I find it interesting how selfish we can all be.  How we get so wrapped in our bubbles of narcissistic perception.  How even if we know someone's circumstances we can often read our own issues into their behavior toward us.  I know I can, though, unlike others I have known, I don't inflict and project it onto others.  I try to step back and deal with myself first.  Regardless, I still felt anxiety and it Sucked.

I was doing this Saturday night, much of Sunday.  My feelings and my day were effected by a few text messages. 

Matt would message me and then seem disinterested.  Not his usual consistent self I was accustomed to.  I found myself thinking, why bother messaging me?  One of the things I like about Matt is he communicates.  He'll ask, and he'll listen to the answer.  He'll offer information.  He does this with everyone.  Saturday night I felt he was pulling away and still trying to be polite.  I was thinking, why bother?  Just be straight, or ask if you have something to ask. 

I also considered the things he has going on in his bubble...and left off any sort of confrontation knowing if I let it play out I'd have whatever answer I might need.

I did.  Later in the day he, Diana, and I decided have dinner here at my place.  We had a great night and he mentioned he is struggling with a decision about his living situation pending a possible promotion at work while he's been packing his things and dealing with his living situation.

There you have it.  We all have our little moments that effect our day and how we communicate with others. It's so easy to get lost in our worries and perceptions.

 I am glad I didn't just react outwardly to the triggers of my day or the last couple of days.  I rarely do. I am glad to learn it was just ripples and not my fears and insecurities coming true.

The day ended well.  I made beef stew and Diana, Matt, and his daughter Lizzy came over and my sons and I enjoyed dinner with our friends.

And this ends with a happy realization. 

These new friends are so different from my old relationships.  We laugh, and I find my laughter genuine.  We lingered and we were all sorry to see the evening end.  I haven't had this before, this genuine enjoyment of friends and company. 

Anyway...little steps.  And an interesting lesson in how I can be set back briefly, affected by something unrelated to my life in general.

Therapy

Square One

 Rolling with the punches.  As much as I strive to have a life that is balanced, reasonably balanced, I find that life tends to be a pot on a burner.  Though the setting is low, eventually the water will steam, boil, evaporate.

Am I in hot water?  Honestly, I am not sure I'd know.  Forgive the italics, I've tried to stop them but they persist.

Ive written recently that I am now the grateful but reluctant recipient of Medi-Cal.  I am happy to find that I am healthy and I have an opportunity to avail myself of mental health counseling.  Kaiser is a thorough hospital, in general.  I experienced this with my sons.  I've spoken to an assessment therapist.  She said I was remarkable.  She was impressed that I have done as much work as I have on my own.  That maybe a little therapy would help me get even further.  She also said that considering the trauma I've experienced that maybe I'd benefit from a prescription due to anxiety.  That long term anxiety can alter your brain chemistry and even the smallest trigger can set back progress.  I'm not particularly comfortable being medicated.  She referred me to a psychotherapist as the next step in the assessment process.  

I met with the psychotherapist the other day.  He's East Indian.  I am not sure he really understood what I was saying as I had to continually correct him when he'd repeat certain things back to me.  Perhaps it was a test to see if I would trip up in my own information sharing.  I filled out a form.  He didn't look at it once and asked me all the questions I'd already answered, writing on his little pad laying on his desk.  He had an interesting way of organizing information.  He wrote all over the page and I couldn't make sense of his placement.  I think it was something like 'Oh, here's an open space I can scribble on.'  I was more impressed with the Assessment Therapist.  She was impressive in her ability to follow what I'd told her...people, time line, experiences.

The psychotherapist was actually pleased I didn't want meds.  He referred me to therapy.  He also felt it might help me to talk to someone.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  

I'll be honest.  I am weary of telling the story of my past.  I am feeling as though I am so ready to move on, to move forward, to not carry it anymore.

So the other night I couldn't sleep because the loneliness made itself felt as it sometimes does.  

Now I am exploring the final ending of a toxic friendship.  I am finally ready to let go of someone I have known for many years and I am mourning it a little and I understand how right it is.  

Barbara is just unhealthy.  In general and in particular for me.  It's nice in a way, to come to this place of change in my life.  I don't feel like I have to fix her perception of me.  I don't feel the need to point out her issues to her (I never did but I thought about it).  I don't feel the need to compare myself to her, or hold on anymore.  I do find that I am sad to lose what I thought I had, or wanted.  I do worry that maybe my inability to form strong and lasting relationships indicates a major flaw in my own make up.  Then a quiet voice reminds me that these people I worked so hard to have relationships with were all reflective of each other and that many things in my past can not follow me into whatever future I will find myself in.  I hope I am not being narcissistic.  When I think things through I realize this one truth...all of the truly toxic people that have influenced my life in major ways are now out of my life.  The people that were critical and manipulative and self-serving are not there influencing my life.  These were major people in my life.  My mother, my ex-husband, John, Barbara.  

I confess I feel adrift.  This is something I'd like to talk to my therapist about, when I see him.  Is this normal?  I have a few new, tentative friends.  

I'll confess something else.  I am realizing I have trust issues.  I only let people so far in now.  I have been betrayed and abandoned by people that are supposed to be the ones I am supposed to trust and be able to rely on.  I am experiencing anxiety in these new friendships.  Cindy and I are kind and considerate and and building a decent friendship.  However, our family dynamics are so different.  She's married with three small children and our schedules keep us from building a strong friendship. I worry maybe I am not putting enough effort in?  Diana...this one is very tentative and we are very different.  She's very intelligent and a hard worker but is supported by her parents in her late 40's and she isn't a parent and she can be very judgmental and sensitive so I am a little afraid of her as we have had some problems already.  But I laugh with her and we seem to have worked past a few things.  She is also obese and kind of angry and insecure and I worry she might harbor some resentment toward me and probably feels that I am wasting what I do have to work with but when we talk about why we make certain decisions we do empathize with each other.  Matt.  He's a hard one.  I like him and I like spending time with him.  But he Likes me.  I haven't slept with him as I struggle with my attraction and my lack of attraction to him.  I feel I am seeing more and more in regard to his personality.  He isn't good at being alone I think.  His recent time-line on relationships doesn't fill me with confidence in regard to maybe choosing to cross that line with him and that is altering the things I find attractive about him.  I was attracted to his confidence, and his ability to read me...people, his empathy.  Namely his personality.  But he doesn't take time between relationships and I feel maybe he is getting bored and resentful that his being nice to me isn't playing into me deciding to have sex with him.  I am not sure if it is because he's gone just over a month with out sex so he is frustrated in general, or if he is frustrated with me in general because he can't manipulate me in this regard.  I feel I will be disappointed if that is all he turns out to be.  

It is something I don't like about myself.  Being a fragile person deep down.  Wanting to be able to trust the people in my life.  I don't like feeling hypersensitive and aware of subtle shifts in behavior.  

In regard to Matt I can hardly blame him.  My boundaries are set to protect me and are then reinforced when I find my hesitation was a well chosen course.  If he meets someone more willing he has every right to pull away and move on with his life and his next ex-girlfriend.  That may seem jaded, but in talking to him it seems to be his pattern.  It is a pattern I am trying to break in my life.  A little time and hesitation reveals a lot.  

I miss intimacy.  There are times when I question keeping myself from having sex.  I could have sex with out attachment or a relationship but even this involves a bit of trust doesn't it?

Last night I went downtown.  There were a few venues hosting an annual urban music fest.  I went with a new acquaintance and we had fun getting to know each other.  I like her.  I like how she talks about her life.  She's fortunate and knows it.  She has a healthy marriage and we have things in common.  While we were out I saw Adam.  I mentioned him a while ago.  He was the one guy I'd been very interested in running into one night at a show, he was with a man that was my first boyfriend when I moved to this city.  Anyway, the last few times I have seen him I have been a little embarrassed for him as he's been really drunk and socially retarded.  You know, the whole fractured fantasy thing.  Another moment I sighed in relief and lost interest.  Nicole laughed when he made a point to talk to the people we were chatting with.  I'm certain he doesn't know them in any real way, if at all.  I'd told her he has this thing he does when we are at the same venue (rarely).  He skims past me, gets in my eye line, and pretends we don't know each other, I'll catch him looking at me.  He proved my statement correct and she found it funny.  It's just become weird to witness.  It makes me feel that maybe none of us really gets past Jr. High.  

I'm watching Doctor Who.  I am hoping I can follow the little things that are important.  I'm the Doctor!  And Who are You?  Is it wrong I am empathizing with the Dalek?  It thought it knew itself and then it was changed by Rose...

Well, I suppose it is better to grow and change.  Those that do not become septic in life and personality.

You'd Think By Now They'd Get The Cords Right

Or the Chords...

Random thoughts tumble through my head, for hours and hours now.  I could try some deep focused breathing and stretches I guess, but I'm not.

I cried a little, I might cry a little more.  Sometimes feelings just get raw and stretched and sore.

Sometimes when I fee this way I can't help but find my mind drifting to some story in the bible.  Tonight I thought of Ruth.  I often think of her.  I could never understand how when she clung to Naomi and went with her to her home, how could she patiently do as Naomi told her?  How could she work in the fields gleaning and wait?  How could she wait for Boaz to notice her?  How could she avoid noticing the young men in the fields with her in her loneliness?  How could she follow Naomi's instruction?

John's death shifted something in me.  Something so big I can't even identify it.  All I know is I am changed.  I respond to nearly everything differently now.  I'm more aware of myself, for all the good it does me. 

I understand Ruth more now.  That loss, and mine was a loss whatever the details that made it less of one to others, changed me.  I'm grateful for it, but I'm lost too, or maybe just so different I hardly recognize myself.  I don't want John.  I don't want anything like that again.  I don't want people in my life like that ever again.  So I watch.  I'm patient in the moment.  Maybe that is what Ruth did too.  Not that Ruth was trying to avoid people that were like the people that have so long surrounded me and no longer do...but then, maybe that is why Ruth clung to Naomi.  She had nothing to go back to.  Perhaps like me, details aside, in her loss she wised up too.

But right now...right now I'm completely aware of my loneliness.  My sons can't bridge it.  The stuffed walrus I'd rescued back when I was bar tending, the one my youngest named Beaver when he was little is my only comfort.  I'd like to kick my cat out of the house, for good.  He's annoying and despicable.  The Walrus aka Beaver and the Despicable Cat can't bridge it.   

When I feel this way things hurt that normally I wouldn't even think about, that I'd even find myself relieved to know.  Like a male friend that likes me, wondering if he's in someone's bed tonight he'd met for dinner.  In truth I don't want him, but when I am like this I question.  I worry I'll lose someone else I have let myself trust.  Silly

Yet, I don't want to be held so badly that I let myself settle, or force him to, just because he's nice (to my knowledge to this point) just to hold off this feeling.  It doesn't just come at night.  I doesn't just come over me when I am finding myself challenged in my resolve to move forward.  It clings to me, fluttering around the core of me. It's a part of me now.  Somehow it feels as though it is here now for a purpose, but whatever length of time it will reside in me, reside in me it does.  It is a constant.  Sometimes muted, but sometimes it grows large.  The nagging ache that suddenly it is the only thing felt, the only thing I can be aware of.

I suppose I am not ready.  In these moments, I wonder if I will ever be.  Looking at the full moon in my mind.  The lonely rabbit leaping backwards. 

I don't believe a person will make me happy.  Believe it or not, through my struggles and loneliness I am happy, in a sense.  I like my own company.  I like my sons company.  I like my friends and acquaintances. 

I just want more.  I want a partner.  I just don't understand why it is I have to feel like I am admitting some weakness.  I don't understand why I am built with this want, with the understanding I am worth it and the sense it is sometimes far from me, sometimes right within reach but I can't see it yet.

What is in my make up, this archaic waiting.  I used to look for it, try to make it happen.  Didn't Ruth sort of do that?  What are my examples?  People I know and admire?  The Bible?  My Mother?  Pardon me while I swallow the vomit that just hit the back of my throat.  She is a corruption.  Her chosen person, chosen every day. As for the others, they hang there coaxing me ever forward.  They guide me and influence me not to settle.  They push me to be...

What am I? 

I am changed.  To what?

I cried a little, then a little more.  I wondered at how I have no idea what tomorrow will be and yet I strain after it.  Tonight I will likely sleep, at some point.  Rise before the sun and start tomorrow.  I feel confident enough that I will wake as I am apparently quite fit, so unless something catastrophic happens...

What is tomorrow? 

A hope for things not yet seen?  A hope for things not yet known?

Where does this hope spring from...

I guess it doesn't matter really.  This is a moment where the flutter, the sound of it, overwhelms the voice within that keeps me positive.  It acknowledges how tired I feel sometimes.  Keep moving forward.  Keep moving forward.  Don't be afraid to work harder.  Go on with your life, no waiting now!  And then, like tonight, this other thing rises up craving comfort so acutely.

Anyway, goodnight.  No more thinking with my keyboard.

And Then...

I don't remember the last time I went to the doctor for a visit.  It was easy to avoid as I have always been generally healthy.  Does knocking on wood really work...no matter, I am going to knock on some. Done.

Also done, doctors visits.  I had my girl visit!  I had blood drawn, swabs, had my girl parts checked.  Without appointment I had my second ever mammogram.  I did a fasting blood panel the next day and met my new medical doctor, after my gyn nurse practitioner.  I am clean.  Clean and healthy.  Remarkably so.  I don't have my lab back from my pap yet, or my mammogram but I've been told everything is looking good.

I know a great group of women that are making me feel supported and cared for, and they work at my hospital.  One of them personally talked to my medical doctor and I am now her patient, when the doctors panel was closed.  I am so happy to have this doctor.

My new doctor referred me to dermatology to get my skin checked.  Being fair complected, fair of eye, and red of hair I am really glad to have this visit coming up.  She's also referred me to a vascular doctor for a dye test of my veins as I have some problem with  my legs (due to my pregnancy with my youngest son).  This is so great because I have private paid for these treatments (something like
$4,000).  I can get deep vein and blue vein treatment which will make my legs feel so much better.
She also referred me to mental health to a therapist she thinks is wonderful.  She said I have done a lot of great and hard and effective work on my own, but I am glad she thinks I could use a little help to get to a higher level.

In this same week, yesterday in fact, my oldest son turned 18.  It's kind of cool.  I like my son and the man he is becoming.  Last night we went to a college night hosted by our city.  It was very crowded and filled with resources for kids and the parents that went with information and a touch base for colleges all over the country.  I am most pleased my son showed interest.  He's insisted he doesn't want to go to college, but I think he is now considering it.  He'd gone off on his own for a few hours and checked out stuff on his own, pretending he didn't know me or his brother.  I picked up extra materials I thought he might have missed.

My poor son...his birthday falls in the hottest month, when I am always my most broke.  This is a big one too!  He's 18.  This time of year is always tough for me...August, back to school.  An incoming Freshman and an Outgoing Senior is extra expensively wonderful.  Total tap out.  September is car smog, car registration and typically slow at work on top of my sons birthday.  Yes I planned ahead and still broke.  So his birthday 'gifts' are on delay, though I did buy him a rock tee he loves, and a Star Wars tee he also loves.  My plan is to take him to a local shop to buy more rock tee's, a local used music and DVD store to buy whatever, The Scottish Games (this is as much for me as them because I have wanted to go for years and always seem to see the date for the event on the back of a bus, the day of, when it is over), and that same evening several punk bands are playing an all ages show.  He's a cool guy and happy to wait for what I came up with.



A bit more, I have stopped online dating.  It's a pain in the ass.  However, I think it had the desired effect.  I experienced what I really wanted, the across the room look.  I have no idea if I will ever see The Sculptor again.  I'd really like to.  However, the little steps taken in online dating have brought me to a place I like and though the men I met were nice they were so far away from anything I want for my life and consistently so I had to give it up.  I think I will focus on fitness instead...walking with my IPod, getting a yoga and stretching routine going at home, and my little yoga class.  As well, I will take a computer literacy class through adult ed.  Move my life forward.  I want my personal/romantic life to be realized but there are a lot of other things I'd like have happen as well.  Those I Can personally control.  I guess the rest is up to my instincts and the Universe.

Really I Am Just A Girl

No wave is the same.  I remember when I was young I'd get caught in that place between breaking waves.  The rise and fall of the trough as they'd crest.  The beach and safety cut off from sight.  I remember that breathless feeling and trying to suck in enough air to last just long enough under water before I could get my sense of up and down back so that I might ascend into the light, or the waning light.

I love that time of day.  When the sun creates long shadows in its blinding brightness.  Everything a silhouette in front, bright harsh relief behind.  It feels like moving into something, as though I have become less solid and I am merging around it and into the little spaces in between.  

Like the ocean and how it surges around a large rock covered in sea anemones.  I am just another piece of flotsam in the jetsam.  The surge doesn't recognize me, it doesn't recognize the rock.  I float within the foam and froth, spinning and being shot around it into the crest of the wave and I ride it to shore.  After I am safely on shore, I rush back in.

I was fearless.  I was fearless.

Where did I go?

Did I descend too far under the barrel of the wave, sucked into the spiral and pressed down?  Am I simply an oxygen deprived dream of the mind now?  I can still see the little things floating in the air bubbles as I am crushed down tumbling and twisted by the weight of the water.  Did I swim down looking for the light thinking I would ascend?  Did the cool caress of water lure me there?

All one has to do is stop trying.  Stop and float upward into air and light. 

I want to be fearless again.  I need to stop trying.

My day and my subconscious are preoccupied.  Really I am just a girl consumed by a moment.  I am between building waves, my sight cut off from land.  I am discarded in the surging powerful break of water dreaming...dreaming of someone.

How could I be reduced to this lack of control?  Remember to breathe, to hold it in...I tell myself this over and over.

Fear fingers through my hair and wraps itself around my skin like seaweed.  I can not control or create an outcome. Why not?  Aren't I at that place in my life where I can reign in the wave?  Can't I be fearless and step in?

All of this because there was a man and look across a room. I have learned that my faith is thin and transparent.  I have no control and I hate it.  I have to give it up.  The thrill and the fear.  Either I drown or I ascend.  I have to let the wave do its work.  Resistance is futile.  We are all just little flotsam and jetsam anyway.  All just little motes carried on a whim.

Verbal Drag

Ever watch the news or any show really and experience the delay between the picture and the sound.  I have always thought of it as verbal drag.

I feel like everything is in Verbal Drag.

The Conversation I'm Having With Myself

I need to get some of this down...just a bit of the process...this never-ending process...I'm frustrated

I need to cut Matt out.  God, that sounds harsh in my head when I read it, think it.  This is about listening to my instincts though, my feelings, my needs and wants.

He's super nice.  He really wants to please me.  His assurances are really getting to be annoying.  So much can be said with out being said and he says too much.  Not a little too much.  Way too much.  I feel concerned he is letting everything that flows through his mind come out of his mouth.  Like every red light, 'I want to make sure you are okay.  I want to go slow.  I don't want to mess this up.'
'I like you a lot and I think you are a good person.'  'No matter what tell me what you want.  I want to learn what you want.'  OMG it hasn't been a month.  This is why I wait.  I am starting to see things I really don't like.  Little things that indicate big things.  He's so sweet.  Too sweet.  He needs better boundaries, not just with me.  Even his friends think he needs better boundaries.  Maybe if I felt a connection to him I wouldn't mind being that person.  But I don't, and I do.

I like him, but there isn't any chemistry for me.  There appears to be though. So I was trying to let things play out.  I have kissed him, a few times.  The way it feels to be touched is amazing but I am not connected to him.

It is the touch itself, the kiss itself.  Not even the kiss.  The touch. His hand on my back, the pads of his fingers trailing down my arm, his knuckle stroking down my knee...

I have to acknowledge I could close my eyes and it could be nearly anyone touching me and it would feel heavenly.

It's not enough.

So I've allowed things to progress a little.  I haven't had sex with him, but I have these moments when my body demands more...more, more. I am so, so glad I didn't go that far.  I''m so glad I didn't listen to those demands because I know myself, I would regret it.

So I mostly ignore it, that feeling of wanting more, but this man is quickly developing feelings for me and I could find myself with him if I just let myself give up on the things I want.  Because he's really kind and thoughtful and giving and assuring and assuring and assuring...

I think it is a confusing thing I am navigating in my head.  Is the Universe saying, here ya go Sugar... except this one thing or these few things... figure it out.  Is it that he is the guy I should have been wanting?  Just because he's nice?  I have met a lot of nice guys. Does that mean I should settle for him, or accept it because my friends think we are good match just because he wants to treat me well?  I don't want to take advantage of someone's heart and hopes.  That's not right.  To me it isn't.

I've often thought if there is any question of doubt then the answer is most likely no. 

I want more...I want a man that is more fully realized with out me and chooses me.  A man that challenges me, a man that fits.  I do not want a man that sees me as an oasis from the current crap he has going on.  I want to be more than a pleasant distraction and a muse turned love interest to someone I am not really interested in.

You'd think by 43 I wouldn't have to even say these things to myself.

Last night I found myself curiously observing as I watched us from the outside.  We went to see some art installations with a girl friend of his.

The first installation was a building of different display rooms and studios.  I liked several, in particular the metal sculptor.  Amazing work.  As well, for the first time in a very long time, I experienced that look across the room, well, before I entered the room.  Several times after.

I wandered into other rooms within the studios to look at others artists work.  Some very appealing artists work.  It felt so good to see what people can create.  It's been a long time since I felt inspired to create and to be able to talk to other artists.

Before we left to go to another location we were in the Sculptor's room again.  That look.  I knew Matt was aware of it, I could feel it coming off of him in waves.  He mentioned the 87 year old artists glomping onto me a few minutes before, he gave me a discount on a little Japanese water color study he'd done when he'd been in Japan.  Back in the Sculptor's room he really noticed, but didn't say anything...then Matt touched my back to take possession.

I know he noticed the Sculptor's interest as he'd move in close to indicate we were together. I couldn't help that he did.  We have no commitment, I've made that clear.  However, he still pushed the boundary and the Sculptor turned to talk to a really tacky girl after Matt touched my back and I was disappointed.

This is why I don't like spending time with men, and why I do.   With the wrong man people assume so damn much. With the right one it is wonderful.  I am frustrated I allowed this to happen.

At the next installation I ran into my photography instructor and mentor from college.  It was such a great surprise.  I love this man and his work continues to impress me.  I'd honed in on it without realizing it was his.  I focused on it then finally looked at the little cards by the work and immediately turned to look for him.  He was right there!  We spoke for a few minutes.  Matt was doing the velcro thing and I it made me feel crowded.  I felt the understanding sinking in and felt sad too.  Sad I'd not addressed it sooner, that I'd let little things happen because part of me wants and I didn't control it.

I don't like being crowded by him and I realize too late it is because I like him, but I don't LIKE him.  He's like a girl friend to some extent and even I feel like I am insulting him with that definition when I think it.

I want someone nice.  I want someone that has aspects of who he is but not him.

These little complications.  I have been taking it slow.  I have allowed a little.  I realize I compartmentalized with him and that is not what I am looking for.  Some things flow easily but I think that is because he is working very hard to make it seem like it is. I think I was trying to choose Matt because he's so nice and working hard to be what I need.  Anyone else would have taken what they want and then been fine letting it go.


I feel the need to introvert and pull away for a while.  From all of it.

I have these little demons crawling my back and resting on my shoulders whispering about their hunger...

I know what we'd like, more than they do. They are superficial and want sensation and that is so much like flying too close to the sun.  How else do I find that balance but to test myself?  To go through things like this, work through it to perhaps eventually arrive where I'd like to in regard to a relationship.

Like with Matt...in less than a month I spent a little time with him and realized I don't like him very much.

I want the look across the room.  I want someone I want too.  I want someone that has their own interests and ones they share with me.  I want someone that it is easy with.  I want someone Taller than I am, I really do.  I want someone that challenges me. I want a mutual fit.  I don't feel like I should have to choose someone because they have chosen me and that is what I am experiencing.  I want a mutual choosing.

I want to see the Sculptor again.



An aside. Since I have updated this a few times anyway what does it matter?
Dating is sort of two extremes right now.  I don't like that I am meeting men that I don't like that like me too too much.  I don't like those questions that form inside my head on a sort of slow delay.  Do you even like this guy? But why don't you like this guy?  I need to have a harder line and I feel like I have made that line more elastic because I wanted to give myself a chance to get to know them.  Matt is a prime example of this.  The more I got to know, the more I didn't like.  I knew right away he wasn't right so why did I bother?  All I did was set myself on short path of confusion and darken the bright joy of my first 'look across the room'
Yes, I will get over it.
What I do like...the mirror image of the above experience.  I haven't dated before.  I haven't put myself out there in this way before.  Active dating is draining.  It is less about the men I meet and more about me.  I am learning about myself and so I am a bit irritated I am being so hard on myself.  Like I said above, most people I know would just do whatever they want and walk away with no self recriminations.   For example, the woman we were with on this Art Walk night.  She's completely focused on this other Matt that has a girlfriend.  I like him and I like his girlfriend.  Matt's friend is very open about herself and I learned she has slept with him and his brother.  She is open in general about her dates and their intimacy.  She dragged me to a bar her obsession told her he was having a drink in.  OMG awkward.  I allowed it because it was good to get away from Matt and my growing negative view of him. 
I am learning about myself, about my boundaries.  To some people I have boundaries that are too tight, to me I feel crashed in on.  I am proud they are holding.
But I can't help it...I am thinking about Sculptor.  Why?  Why him?  Why that night?  Why did it play out like that?
And that thinking leads to me being very hard on myself.  This leads to me wanting to pull away from it all.

Last night I took my sons out to dinner.  Really I should shop and cook, but work was long and tiring and I wanted to go to the food trucks and sit and have a craft beer in a red Solo cup and spend time with my boys, watch them choose their own dinner.  A band played an instrumental version of The Girl from Impaema.
Colleen was there.  I immediately walked away and joined my sons at our table.  She came over and I ignored her.  My sons were merely polite.  She is my mother and the most toxic person I have ever encountered in my life.  She thrives on it.  There is a tsunami of information I could offer about how she is a blight on humanity and had I addressed her I would have been within rights to stomp on her and she knows it.  She finally walked away.
Dinner was delicious.  I slept like a rock.  I woke up at five (not what I'd hoped) and wanted to write here.  Then I stared at the page and felt horrible and superficial and shallow and silly.

Photographs

Nostalgia, melancholy.  I am looking back a bit.  Pictures of myself about 10 years ago, less.  Pictures of my sons.  A few of John. 

Sometimes it is inevitable to look back and consider what if's.  Remembering, seeing yourself, the people you love...remembering and acknowledging what was.  If you don't I believe you can miss what is, what can be, what should never be again.

I can see as well, I think, what others maybe saw. 

Looking back makes me wonder, 'What do others see now?'

I don't want to be what I was ever again.

After my sister stops by with the wrong kind of calculator for my sons AP Calculus and Macro Economics classes I'm going for a long walk with my IPod.  I need to be physical and hopefully my mind will let some of this go.

I want to be better.  I want to live better.  I want to love better.

The Touching Barrier

I'm not sure how to start this, but it's been on my mind. 

After John died I didn't want to be touched.  I had a hard time even being touched by my sons for a goodnight hug.  I remember before he died, there was a time when he and I weren't together, the boys and I would sit on the couch every night.  I'd be in the middle and they'd be cuddled in next to me.  We'd watch a movie and I'd fall asleep sandwiched in-between them.  It was the best feeling in the world.

That time has passed, thankfully.  My sons and I say good morning, and goodnight.  We hug.  We Touch.  My son freaked me out the other day swirling his fingers on top of my head.  It felt like something, like a tarantula, had landed on top of my head.

The best feeling in the world, in its own weird and terrific way.


As I have begun to move into the world of 'dating' I do not encourage touching, even if I am in a place where I crave touch intensely.  

My observation of touch in dating...

I went out on a handful of dates with a man named Don.  After the fourth date, being walked to my car, I was asked for a kiss.  I kissed him.  ... Nothing.  We saw each other again once more. 

The touching barrier had been breached.  On this last date he touched and touched and touched.  He wanted to kiss me over and over.  His rhythm was out of synch with mine, the kiss was nice because touch was nice.  His touch was nice, because being touched was nice.  I didn't really want his touch though. 

When I wanted a day to myself he felt threatened and worried I was cutting him off.  I'd been on the fence.  He made me laugh, he's cute, he's super tall (6'7"), he's nice. 

I'd have still seen him if he'd replied well.  Instead of understanding, instead of saying he understood he worried about himself.  If only he'd said, 'If you change your mind, I'm here' I'd have probably had a cup of coffee, showered and called him.  Instead I moved on.

I've been on a few dates.  I have met some really nice men.  Respectful, considerate, attractive (for who they are).  But no chemistry.  It's interesting though.  I have found that men, if they feel chemistry, think only of how they feel.  Assume it is mutual.  It's like they get blinded to the other person projecting their own thoughts, feelings, wants, desires onto that other person. 

I met a man named Edward.  Adorable, kind, excellent father and hard working man.  He felt a connection, I didn't.  He's respecting me, I appreciate his doing so.  Also, he lives several hours away.

I met another man, Matt.  He's shorter than I am.  I do have a hang up about this and I have often tried to work past it.  He's also a great guy.  Hard working, driven, caring father, considerate.  He's respected my boundaries better than any other man I have met.  He backs off just enough when he understands he's pushed too much.  We like a lot of the same things, we talk easily.  At least we did.

The touching barrier was broken one night.  I went out with him.  He dj's at a few clubs in town as a hobby/second job/he's been doing it forever.  He's quite good.  A guy he co-dj's with took over for a bit.  We sat on a lounge together and talked a little.  He touched my knee with the knuckle of his index finger.  A slight stroke.  He touched me at a time when I was craving touch. 

I can't describe what it is like to be celibate for a long time.  I am nearly going on two years.
There are times sex, desire, want...they don't register.  Then other times, the feeling inside is so intense.  On the outside I cloak myself with normalcy, but inside is something completely different.

That touch was distilled sensation.  It was more than touch.  I could feel him next to me, half a foot apart and I could feel him, smell him.  I was hyper aware.  I didn't want him, but I did.  I feel almost no chemistry with him other than friendship, but this night...different.

The night ended and he walked me to my car.  We kissed.  Nothing awkward.  It was just nice.  Outside of my intense internal sensation the kiss was just nice.  Polite even.

A few days later we met for a glass of wine.  The touching barrier broken he touched me a lot.  My back.  We were sitting next to each other in a small restaurant/bar.  He touched my knees and below my knees as we talked.  It felt wonderful.  I could have closed my eyes and just felt it.  Later that night, after spending time with my friends I stopped by his house.  We talked out front.  He kissed me at my car.  I pushed for more of a kiss.  Deeper, I wanted more...

It just didn't come together and I was okay with that.  It felt good, but missed the mark. 

Since the kiss...well, of course his course has made a slight but significant change of direction.  He doesn't expect, but wants to be, more. 

I don't. I like him, but enough to move forward as anything more than friends? No.  I didn't rush in, and I was interested in him but there are too many little things that don't come together for me.

The touching barrier changes everything.

Such a little thing as holding hands, a polite kiss.  I want more, but it isn't there.  I'm not interested in settling and it seems like things unseen move themselves into place to surround me and block me from things I want but people that are not the right fit.

It's not frustrating, which surprises me.  I know it is naive to put out there, but I hope I can maintain a friendship with Matt.  I am hoping his circumstances (some details I am not putting here) will allow it.  I think his interest in me is as much an escape as it is to some extent genuine.

Breathe In, Exhale Slolwy

I am starting a deep breathing aromatherapy yoga class tonight at 6:30.  It is being taught by a life-coach.

I hope tonight what little I learn helps me feel less crowded.  I am sure my friend will help with that too when I talk to her.

I need to remember my promises to myself.

Breathe in, Exhale slowly.  Truth...patience...

Rebound

As defined by Urban Dictionary:

rebound

Going from one relationship to the next right away to avoid the pain of a breakup. 

 

As defined by Wikipedia:

 A rebound is an undefined period following the break up of a romantic relationship. The term's use dates to at least the 1830s, when Mary Russell Mitford wrote of "nothing so easy as catching a heart on the rebound".^[1] The term may also refer to a romantic relationship that a person has during the rebound period, or to the partner in such a relationship. Someone who is "on the rebound," or recently out of a serious dating relationship, is popularly believed to be psychologically incapable of making reasonable decisions regarding suitable partners due to emotional neediness, lingering feelings towards the old partner, or unresolved problems from the previous relationship. Rebound relationships are believed to be short-lived due to one partner's emotional instability and desire to distract themselves from a painful break up, and those emerging from serious relationships are often advised to avoid serious dating until their tumultuous emotions have calmed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I am not rebounding.  Though I could have.  I had plenty of opportunity.  I have plenty of opportunity.
Love is the Drug entry was basically a purging of Full Moon Restlessness.  And it's a really good song by Roxy Music.  I also added Heart of Glass by Blondie.  She looks amazing in the video.  It all just fit the mood.

A moment I brought here and highlighted with music.

As for my dating life.  It is so very interesting.  You can say 'interesting' out loud with different inflections and they'd all apply.

I plan to 'date' a bit, but there's no one that has really appealed to me in any overall way.

Oh Oh, Catch That Buzz...Love Is The Drug

Heart Of Glass


Off balance.  I am off balance.  I could spin around and around on a wire, arms splayed out as a smile drifts over my face.  Stepping down is like standing on marbles. I can't stand it, and everything is grasping at air for purchase.  Heart rate increases, my torso tenses and it spreads out over my body.

I fall.  I always fall.  Tumbling down Rabbits hole, my skirt rising up to hide my face.

My hands fly up to grasp at fabric, skirt down and hair in my face I'll stand defiant and ask you why it's all monochromatic.

A touch would shatter me, even a damn smile...shatter into color and light.

Stay back because you can't handle this.

Offensive One, Offensive Two

Dan, 54, Christian...I Grow On People.


Often people treat that with Lotramin.

Starbucks mid-afternoon.  I have to take responsibility for this as I didn't really scrutinize his profile.  I guess early on I assumed when you put down age parameters men will look at them just enough to avoid rejection.  They do not.

Oh, and the Christian part.  Look, no offense to people of religion out there, but I am not interested.  I put Non-Religious for a reason.  Been there, done that.

Dan arrives and lets me know out of the gate, "Wow, you're really gorgeous.  Very pretty."
Thank you.
My first thought, Ohhhhhh no.  No, no, no.

I'd checked his profile again just before we met and saw his faith descriptor.  So as we went in to get my tea and his desert coffee drink I asked him, 'So you go to church?  Which one?'   He told me.  I know it.  It's very active in the community which I admire, but the few people I have run across from there sort of creep me out.

So we sit outside, a rare comfortable day in our usual summer oppression.  We talk a little and I find myself beginning to pepper in curse words and I realize even my subconscious wants to become unappealing to this man.

He is working hard to let me know he's loaded and retired and free to pursue entrepreneurial interests, such as making t-shirts perhaps.  That he plans to move to the coast in three years.

If I were a gold digger, he'd have found his arm candy.  However, I am NOT.  I was uncomfortable.

He mentioned if a movie is r rated, kids, meaning teen aged kids, shouldn't be allowed to watch it.  Another strike against me! Darn it.

 We talked a bit about online dating and he said that some women's profiles were a curiosity to him, that women in their 40's and getting into their 50's, their bodies start to change and they seem to get desperate.  That my pictures were decent enough (gee, thanks dad considering they are head shots and I am clearly fully clothed) but that other women have cleavage and then complain that they get a lot of sexual messages.

I wanted to point out that he seemed a little desperate and utterly out of shape, but I'm not a bitch so I just let him keep digging his own grave, because I handed him the shovel with my 'Let Her Eat Soap' dirty mouth.

At the end of the date he let me know he was going to ask me something, and that he was just curious, and to not be offended.  I already didn't care.  He mentioned my cursing and asked why I do it.

I said, I'm not offended at all, more than likely it is a bad habit.  Every once in a while I control it, but sometimes I feeel it is more than appropriate for certain situations.  **Like This One**

He said his daughter asked him, 'Dad.  Dad can't I Pleeeeeeez start saying the 'S' word?!'  He smugly explained to me it is not The 'S' word, but that it was suck, because he explained to his kids that even suck was a bad word...

I think I responded with, a Blank Stare.
This was on the heels of him telling me his daughter is just like her mother, his ex-wife.

What a Gem. Dan? Have you ever considered maybe 'I'm a control freak ChristianMingle.com'? 

So, what the Fuck was he thinking?  He'd appeal to me with his money and then help me find religion and stop cursing and life would be just be creepy clouds and G rated fun?

I think he was thinking that, and he let me know that I should really let him get to know me, that he grows on people.

I was grateful to get in my car, drive away, go buy pastries and a strawberry pie, drive home to pick up my corrupted sons, and then have bbq at my dysfunctional sinner friends house.

And Just Like That...

I let it go.

Thanks to two friends, one in particular. 

Learn from it and let go. 

I guess that is it for now...

Be Merciful

The other night a storm came crashing over my home.  It was 3:30am.  What initially woke me was the lightening flashing again and again.  My eyes opened to my bedroom window.  Then thunder cracked and rolled and I felt it go right through me.  That was all it took for me to be fully awake.  I continued to watch the lightening remembering that time it hit the parking lot one hundred feet away from me when I worked at the hospital.  I then remembered body surfing in the ocean and how powerful the waves were.  Nature can make a person feel very small.

Then I heard it.  The rain.  I got out of bed and walked to my window and looked out.  It was sheeting down and I thought, if this were somewhere out in the middle of nowhere in New Mexico there would be a flash flood.  I walked into the kitchen and looked out at the flashing sky and hearing the rolling thunder and watching the rain and the rain gutters fully flooded with water pouring out onto the ground and the water flowing over the sidewalk and pavement.

I opened the sliding door to smell the rain.  The humidity wrapped itself around me and poured into my lungs all heavy and wet.  It was hot outside.  Eighty five degrees.

I went back to bed hoping to recover something of the night before the morning came.  I eventually drifted off thinking about lightening striking the body and the fern pattern it leaves behind in the flesh.

The morning was broodingly overcast and the sun was working its way through.  The temperature rose quickly from the night, but for a few minutes I'd opened my doors and windows anyway just to let the smell in.

There is a storm inside of me.  Flashing lightening, the crack and boom of thunder, the rain can be soft and misting lifted by a breeze or it can shower down, sweeping away the gathered dust of long summer days with no end.

The lightening and thunder can not be harnessed, neither can the rain in the sky.  It can only be experienced from safely inside, or dared to be felt...elemental, powerful, unpredictable at its peak, gently touched as it fades leaving the clouds fingering the clearing sky.

There is a time to every season.  Perhaps this is not the season I believed it to be. 

Oh My God

Well, I am here because I am feeling like an ass.

This is a situation, and my friend is correct, I will learn from it and move on.  Eventually.  Like maybe after dinner and a glass of the same wine I drank that influenced my signing up for the dating site in the first place.

This is about Mr. #4 man I met online.  **sigh**

My girlfriend asked if I had heard from him after asking if I was planning on meeting someone else.

Now, backing up just a little bit, I get anyone I meet is meeting other people.  I am totally okay with that.  The strange thing about online dating, and this is something Mr. #4 (a guy I wanted to see again) said, you'll talk to someone for a while, then suddenly nothing.  It was just part of it.

Mr. (possible) #5, the one she asked if we were planning on meeting has kind of had me off balance.  He's not constantly messaging me, or even really with any consistent expectation. He mentioned that the more we messaged it seemed the more we had in common.  He has two children that are 5 and 6 so I get being careful and if he's interested in others...and if he has other family obligations...our messaging will be sporadic.  We were supposed to meet last Saturday but he messaged me to let me know he had to do something with his father.  Well, he wants to meet on Tuesday, but...I'll admit it, he said some night next week and I let him know when I was available and that a local place had live music Tuesday night.  He said that would work.  I can't tell if he's enthusiastic or not and I am thinking this way because he's not trying to make the time firm.  Nothing like, okay, we'll meet at 7 at such and such a place and have a drink. He just said Tuesday night sounds good.  Not knowing where he is coming from isn't a big deal but it's a bit unsettling?  I am not accustomed to this world, to dating even.  I know, I know...if we meet on Tuesday I'll have a clear idea where it is or isn't going.  Same thing if we don't meet.

But these two situations, #4 not messaging me today and then (You'll see below) and #5 making me feel off balance...have me feeling like I have no control.  It's uncomfortable.  I'm being tested and I think I feel like I am not responding well.  That I am perhaps showing I haven't grown...

As she asked in text messaging about Mr. #5 (I am using this method of description for your benefit my only reader...however when I explain this next bit you may say to yourself that I clearly need to get my shit together.)

Again, as she asked about Mr. #5, she then asked about Mr. Hour Away #4... I told her that yes he'd messaged me yesterday and our last message was at 5:30pm.  I then messaged her, He messaged me first in the morning Happy Hump Day and that it was an inside joke he'd shared with his friend with benefits he'd had for a while...hmmmmm

And then I topped it off with, He's not That cute! ;)

Then I noticed I'd sent it to him...I hadn't closed his text windows when I was looking back over our texts!

This is not the first time I have done this.  When I was meeting the Portuguese Cowboy I was messaging her my plans, for safety, and accidentally sent the message to Don, the guy that  I'd seen a few times and he'd just messaged me he didn't want to know about my other 'dates'.

I have a problem. A texting problem.

I told her, maybe this is universes way of keeping the guys I am not meant to be with out of my life. 

She said I need to delete messages (as in threads) so I can't make that mistake.  I like to have a reference though!  And paying attention is something I obviously need to work on.

He finally responded, just now, saying it was in reference to the [stupid] camel commercial and he sends it to his friends and not a sexual reference at all.  And...good luck on my search.

I sort of deserve it, but...I sort of don't.  However, he doesn't know me and well, I get it. 

I do think it is the Universe keeping the wrong guys away from me.
That might sound stupid in your head when you read it but whatever.

I will now describe me feelings...stop reading if you don't want to know.

I feel really embarrassed, and sad he has the wrong impression no matter if he is right or wrong for me.  He saw a something out of context and it wasn't a pretty representation.  I was analyzing because I haven't heard from him since last night and figured it was like he said...you'll talk to people and everything is fine then... nothing.  And maybe he's not that into me if he didn't bother messaging me today... Hi, My name is Layne and I'm being neurotic.

Then I send that example of 'maybe it's not what I think' accidentally. And the He's not That cute refers to me not letting my attraction to someone keep me from seeing red flags or maybe what he is all about and that he's not cute enough to be just a fuck buddy??? Ugh...

I feel stupid and I want to fix it.  I tried, but he's already over it.  I can't work myself over because of this.  I wish he was willing to consider why I would say it in the first place and laugh it off, but he's not going to be that guy and I am not going to over explain it.  That is what this entry is for I guess.  I can be that here...while I am stopping being that person in my in real life personal relationships.

I am learning to let go and move on I guess.  Interesting lesson I have learned so far while online dating.  Similar outcome, three different reasons.  This one though, I will struggle with a bit.  I'll struggle with it because I feel I am fault and I wasn't prepared to be on this side of things, not like this.  You're just not that into me, cool.  But this is...bothering me right now.  And this is an interesting situation I have placed myself in.  When I stop being mortified and wishing I could go back in time I think I might get a lot out of it.

I clearly need to be more conscientious when I am texting my girlfriend. 

I'm not sure I will be online dating for long. 

If I'm not, because it is just so damn awkward, I will try to use what I have learned and maybe having broken the ice, be better at meeting people in real life without the benefit of a dating site. 

But maybe Mr. #3 five date Don was right.  Maybe, even if I want to be, I'm not ready for this...
Maybe it's not time yet.

He Said Maybe I'm Prude

Well, a man can want a car that makes his blood run hot but unless he's given the keys he'll never know the purr of the engine or its potential to get him there and thrill him in the same process.

I'm not prude, I'm simply not indiscriminate. I want to know the purr of the engine.  I want to get there and be thrilled in the process.  I don't want it so bad I'll give just anyone the keys.

I don't want some boy that doesn't know how to steer, handle the curves, never push the throttle, or keep from burning out my engine because they have no idea what they are doing or because they hit the brakes too soon.



I think people are lazy and selfish.  I also think people simply like the thrill of a test drive.

I'm looking for the man that knows what I'm worth and I am content to wait all covered up and showing just a hint of my potential. 


Yes, I just compared myself to a high end well appointed vehicle.  Damn. 

Lunch Date

I accepted and invitation for another date from someone, not the 5 date guy. 
He lives an hour away so we me half way. 
We had lunch.  He was fun to talk to.  Funny, seems realistic.  We talked for six hours, in the same booth.  Both of us were shocked how long we sat there. 

He's a good guy.  I like that he is into his life.  He has a job he loves, hobbies he enjoys, friends, family. 

I don't know where it will go, or even if it will.  The distance and our busy lives would make planning a second date interesting.

And Then...

And then the morning came.  Good morning.

He'd asked me to give him a little something now and then.  You know, a good morning.  My response was an internal sigh.  I felt I was having a lot of those with him.

You're so impatient, I replied.  I am just opening my eyes.  He said he's already been up for an hour and how he wished I wasn't so busy all day. 

I said I am planning a cup of coffee, High Fidelity, and maybe an actual bath.

He said, 'Aren't you going into work at 11 this morning?'

No, it's Sunday. That's tomorrow.

Well, I think you should come hang out at my place, we'll watch tv, eat unhealthy food and just vedge. 

I explained I needed a day to myself to process out the night before and it's let downs, being abandoned by my friends and harassed by the short guy with no boundaries.  And, the afternoon before with him.

He said, It sounds like you're crossing me off.

By taking a day to myself to assess how I am feeling and process out last nights let downs?

And processing me.

*OMG

I replied, I am not even sure how to respond to that Don.  But it makes me feel uncomfortable.

The rest of his messages were manipulations.  1: I don't understand.  2: It's been a long time since he's been able to dote on someone and treat them so well the he gets that innocent smile he saw when he looked at my face. (creepy)  3: Spending quiet time with me, just hanging out with him cooking for me is like extended foreplay without the expectation of anything else (we never did that) 4: It's like Christmas for him, I'm new and fun and he likes me and wanted to spend time with me so we could both get to know each other better.  (I have been likened to a toy a kid is thrilled with and then often discards, but while I am being played with I should appreciate it) 5: He wishes he could find a better filter and a break pedal when he is getting to know someone, he's sorry :(  *so he's done this before. That maybe he is too genuine.  That he wonders if he will ever get it right. :(  6: That texting these things never come across as they should. That I can't hear tone or see body language. 7: That if I could take anything away from this I should remember the day before when he put the pillow across me so he could lean on top of me and we talked, really talked. He hasn't been able to open up to someone like that in a long time.  That my smile is energizing and it made him smile inside when he thought about it and being part of that was great. *I kept thinking, I need to leave when that was happening. 8: He's thinking of me.  Good night.  Good morning. 9: Um, are you done seeing me? Getting to know him?

I think that is what is best.

Why? Please don't...not this way.  He never picked me for a person to say it via txt.

Don, too much, too fast.  When I indicated I needed a day to myself you made me uncomfortable and after a few dates.

Then: How did I make you feel uncomfortable? He's confused about it.  That as honestly and open as we talked about tons of subjects (no we didn't) fixing this and getting to know more about each other should be easy.

I'm not interested in moving forward in any way.

He understands I feel that way.  I'm an amazing woman from what he knows.  He's sad to know He won't find my smile anymore.  He won't bother me again but if I change my mind I know where to find him. That he is done with the dating site and maybe we'll run into each other again and share a meal and another smile.  He just wishes I'd said it in person :(

Then a few hours ago: He really wishes I'd give this a chance.  He still doesn't understand what he did or said that make me uncomfortable.

Blocked

He's in sales.  He worked every angle in just those text messages, confusion, hey I'm a nice guy, I just want to do nice things for you (how could you not want that?), I can't believe you are that kind of person (guilt), anything to draw me into a conversation.  Working the angles to get me to assure, defend myself, question my feelings because hey, he's a nice guy with nice plans.

The reality.  He isn't caring about what I say, think, need, want.  He only understands his words, his thoughts, his needs, his wants.  If he can draw me into a conversation he can get the dialogue going and try to wear me down.

I blocked him.  I told my boss at the salon about him, just in case, and showed his picture and let her know he's super tall.  My girlfriend knows All about every detail.  His license plate, his home address, his name.

It's sad, he had potential.  I held back a lot, so much.  Now I see why.

I'm pretty sure in all of his not listening he forgot I mentioned my sister grew up with Bikers.  I am now part of their family because I look exactly like my Dad.  I Will Turn To Bikers if i need to.  Just get them to ride out, say hello at his house, make a point of letting him know I'd like him to kindly stop bothering me.

I behaved normally with this person.  I went on a handful of dates and made it clear I wasn't interested in a full on relationship and wanted time to get to know him for it to go further, that I liked my space.

I was incredibly clear in my text I wasn't interested in him anymore and why.  I blocked him.

I will set Bikers on his ass if he doesn't get it after all that.



 

I Like You! I Really Really Like You

Is there something wrong with me?

I made this decision, granted wine helped, to put myself out there.  To open up my world, to test myself.  I want to know if I have grown.  I want to see if I have learned anything from the past so I can have the kind of future I am trying to build for myself, the kind I envision myself having.

My life is quiet and drama free.  I love it.  Sometimes I really want to share it with someone.

I had a dream a few nights ago.  John was a ghost.  Only I could see, hear, feel him.  The love, god, it was a power pulsing throughout.  He was there.  I felt his touch, spoke with him, looked at him looking at me.  It was beautiful.  Just before I woke up we'd been laying on the couch together.  Just that simple moment.  I woke up with that feeling crashing through me and I cried.  A year and a half later I can still be undone.

I let it happen.  I settled.  I moved myself into the other room and made coffee and I recovered.

I wrote before about the guy I went on a few dates with, the one I felt was not understanding my need to date, to test myself, to open myself up to different people, to experiencing life again.

He sort of recovered that moment.  We met for lunch and he was easy going.  Messaging on a phone, things can get lost in translation.  Even one on one things can get lost.  It takes effort and honesty, and being blunt sometimes for confusion to not set in.  I believe being emotional, vulnerable can really twist and complicate things.  It's important to communicate and be clear.  If the other person listens and acts on it appropriately everything is good to move forward or things need to be assessed.

Lunch was fun.  He didn't have anything behind his eyes.  I've have Satan's sister as a mother so I know what those eyes look like.  The playing it cool eyes but all the creepy shit behind them lurking.

My impression, after that lunch, another dinner, and a lunch/movie (in the coldest theater in the nation, wth!) that, yeah, he's really, really into me.  Now it is a healthy into me or is this a pattern with him.  Remember he was there at date two.

I just don't think I am into him.  I like him.  But, isn't it kind of early for us to be really, really into each other?  I know very little about him.  He knows very little about me.  He is determined to get to know me.  He said he feels I am special and very worth the wait.  That could be great, or really creepy.  I was hoping for something in between that builds on itself to something good, not me being dumped in a canal or ponding basin.

He said the first thing he thinks when he meets someone for the first time is, 'Can I introduce this woman to my family?'

I am totally that kind of girl.

I think there is so much about him to like, to fall for.

He has lovely thoughts about me.  I mean, life thoughts.  Not just me in his bed, naked.  Me in his bed, as in, in his life.  He pictures me part of his every day.

It's clear he's full on attracted to me.  I find him attractive.  But something in me backs up.  He's affectionate, and he looks at me with something more than 'Let's Get It On' but I wonder if my radar is tuned to the 'falling for a manipulation' channel.  Not being invested makes me feel safe, but I wonder if it is hurting my ability to let a really nice guy in too.  See?  Too complicated already.

But it's so fast.

I'm trying to work it out in my head.  I have those thoughts.  The little things in life with him in it.  But is that real?  I have a vivid imagination and I am trying to consider if this person could fit.  I think I could imagine myself into Charles Manson fitting into my life.  The strange relative I visit in the old folk's crazy home...

Is there something wrong with me?

I think it is one of those situations where he has a lot of potential but I am not interested in him sexually.  And I am trying to work that out.  I felt a glimmer of it, but nothing I'd move on.  And...
The real question...do I only get turned on by assholes, even if I don't know they are assholes yet?

I don't think so.  I am not in that place anymore.  I am finding I am listening to myself.  I am being honest with myself and with the people in my life.

It's really wonderful.  I am not setting myself aside anymore.  There are a few boundaries I'd like to see strengthened.  Like how I will still allow someone in my bubble when I don't want them there.  Even if it is just for a short moment.

Sadly, this guy had potential but this morning he just screwed up and I am happy I am not interested in making it okay with him.

Last night I went to see some bands play at a local venue.  I'd been looking forward to this for several weeks.  It was going to be a girls night out.  My girl friend has this awful relationship with her boyfriend that has some echos of my relationship with John.  It has really helped me to process my experience with him.  To keep myself honest about what life was like with him.  Not what I'd built the relationship on, the little crumbs he gave me to keep me building my hopes on.

Anyway, they break up, get back together.  They ride that circle of honeymoon period, trigger into argument, break up, reconcile, honeymoon period... It's dizzying.

Well, they rode it last night, leaving me behind in the club, thankfully with some decent people in a little sectional couch thing with a table.  For a while it was pleasant to just relax and listen to the two bands I was able to see.  The third I missed, mainly because of a little aggressive Gimli type man that had no respect for my personal boundaries.  He actually Blew In My ear at one point.  Is that a generational pick up thing?  Blow in a chicks ear, she can't resist it?  John did that sometimes and I found it really...not a turn on. *laughing  The dwarf kept wanting me to dance.  After the ear blowing incident I put my finger in his face and said No, very firmly.  Do. Not. Do. That. Again.  Alcohol makes men really obnoxious.

So my night was...disappointing.

I left.  Gimli walked me to my car and didn't touch me.  This is good.  I think I would have happily punched him in the balls if he had.
I stopped by my girlfriends house to get my purse.  I'd taken only my ID, some cash, a lipbalm, and my keys.  Her house was locked but her son was awake and I knocked on his window.
He let me in, she was upstairs arguing with her boyfriend.  I headed home.  I was absolutely relieved to walk into my apartment.

This morning as I was waking up Don messaged me good morning.  He wanted to spend the day with me at his place.

I said I needed a day to process last nights bs and how I was feeling.  He messaged me he was worried I was going to process him out.

OMG.
Well, now that you mention it...
I told him I didn't even know how to respond to that and I have ignored his messages since.

I need some space.  I like my space.  And someone like him is making me cherish it.

I believe what I want for my life is someone I want to invite in, that wants to invite me in.  That I fall in love with as I get to know him.  That I want to be physically close to.

I am not going to want someone as a result of them wanting me.  And I am NOT going to make him feel okay about his feelings, his insecurities, and his neediness while I am trying to figure out my own feelings and impressions.

Basically.  He used a bright yellow highlighter on the details of our interactions (my least favorite color of the highlighters) to let me know he is not the guy for me.

I am seriously considering going back to my quiet life and being single, no dating site because frankly, it's lame.

It's not that I can't field the guys that just want to get my number to get me to sext them.  Or the guy that messages me and is fun and interesting and then disappears, only to reappear and want to get my cell # or go out because some other girl he met ended up being crazy or nothing like her profile picture.  Or the guys like Don, that after the initial meet and greet basically want to marry me.

Life is a wonderful complexity.  I am looking for something else.  That person I meet because I chose, on a whim, to go to a certain place, at a certain time and it just progresses easily from there.  Nothing desperate, or hurried, or forced.

More On Online Dating

Dates Two/three and Four...
My second meet and greet...
Don.
He's a freakish 6'7"... I have never met someone so tall.  The Geek in me thinks, at Halloween he can be Chewbacca and I can be Princess Leia.
We were exceptionally brave in a choice of place for a first meeting.  A Pho restaurant over noodles.  We had a great time.
So great we decided to meet later the same day for dinner as well.  Salad.  Then we took a walk to Target hoping for some single serve ice cream.
Hope lost.

At dinner I started to get the impression he's On.  Like turned On.  Like baseball stadium lights.  The joking, the innuendo's, the prankster.  I was already tired and I found he was wearing me out more.  He was funny, engaging, but...On.  I wondered what he'd be like if he Turned Down.

His pranking ways are, well, damn, cable-worthy.  I found myself wondering if he was maybe, possibly sophomoric in the extreme or if he was just into meeting me and having fun telling stories.  He'd told a story about how he'd made a rainbow bumper sticker that said, Honk!  I just came Out!  He'd put very low on his bosses bumper.  His boss found it multiple honks and three days later.

At the end of our two date day he didn't try to kiss me.  I am glad, I am not ready.  I am interested in another date, but not ready for that.  I sort of wonder if that in itself is telling.

Friendly good morning, again, On.  I think he said, 'Good morning, your late! Get going.'
What the hell?

Then he messaged later, Are you busy at work today?  I let him know I was done for the day after we'd been messaging back and forth while I was torturing myself at the Mall.  I thought maybe I'd get a cute top.  It is pathetic what is offered at the Mall.  I won't go again for another six years.  I let him know that, we LOL'd, and I said I needed to go home and shower off the mall.  He asked if I was busy and I said I had plans.

He said, Oh :(

Then he sent me a big message saying he'd deleted his online dating account, not just because of me but because he'd done it for a while and would like to focus on getting to know me.

I took some time to respond.  Before I did he sent another message, :) hi :)

I get it, being vulnerable really sucks, and getting something back helps alleviate that fear and insecurity.

I can't promise that and after one date it is unfair of him to expect me to.  We already went over each others histories a bit. 

I let him know,
I understand how you feel and you have every right to close your online account if that is what you want.  You've been at this off and on for a while.  However, you know I haven't ever really dated and while I hope to find something long term eventually you need to understand I need this experience right now.  I am looking for a relationship to come together easily, unforced.  I do want to see you again, but if my dating other people, and I plan to, bothers you I get that and I understand if it is something you don't want to deal with.

He said he understood and that he finds dating multiple people distracting. As though I should suddenly get his feelings and feel the same way.  I don't.

My thought, okay, great for you.  I don't have that problem and I am looking for that 'distraction' right now.

I told him, again, in different words that I am not ready to go all in after one date but that I was curious about the other facets of his personality.

Then...I think he was trying to play it cool.

Then he said, I don't to want to know about your other dates. 
Okay, I get that (as if I was going to give you a play by play)

Then he messaged me, Is it awful I want your date to be lame?

I LOL'd and said no.  Then I let him know he needed to understand he should not assume that just because I am not available doesn't mean I am on a date.  Sometimes I am not available to date because of plans with friends/family, work, or just wanting time to myself. (I am finding I really like my space, and why wouldn't I?) 
I give the same in return.
And particularly in this case, because this seems to have become complicated, fast, and excuse me back the fuck off, and do you Really not get it?

I said, what if I am at my knitting circle or playing Dungeons and Dragons and you're there wasting your time worrying about something that isn't?

After One day.  That's just...IDK, I can't figure it out.  Needy?  Too fast? Controlling?!!?

Okay, so it's his process but he'd better stop thinking about himself, how he feels, what he wants, what he needs...if I am what he thinks he likes he better pay attention because I am not going to coach him on how to be in my life. Or babysit his fragile feelings.  I am fair and I am honest and I am compassionate but don't require that of me.

I am fair and honest in my intentions.



So, I actually did have a date.  With a Portuguese Cowboy.  Not my knitting circle (I don't know how to knit, I don't knit) and not with my D&D group of Geeks, but I would if I had one.  The Cowboy is a foreman for a dairy.  He drove and Hour to meet me.  I was thinking, I have never met a Portuguese Cowboy this should be interesting.  And it was.  And that was all.

He's a Cowboy.  He's nice, a speed talker, has country song drama, and is so polar opposite from me I let him know right away we wouldn't have a date again.  He appreciated it as he is a blunt person as well (I am only in practice though) and we then proceeded to have a great time.

When it was over I was ready to go and that was it.  I messaged Don.  Then thought maybe I should call, just make sure he understood what I had messaged and respected my choices and needs and that if that wasn't cool with him we could wish each other well.  He pushed me to voicemail.

I figured, okay, that's it.  Probably for the best.  Then he messaged me a bit later and let me know he was with family having dinner and he'd get back to me.

He did.  He was cooooooool.  Nice, normal...cooooooool.  He said, Oh yeah, I get it LOL I'm looking forward to getting to know yo still, I'm glad you are too.  I understand your choice, I just find it distracting to mulit-date, blah blah blah.  Well, I'm going to let you let go so we can get some sleep...playing it cooooool.  What does tomorrow look like, are you available?  Cooooool, I'll message you tomorrow.  Goodnight.

Bullshit

A tale of his prankster game:, when he wasn't into some girl that kept on and on messaging him, he messed with her.  I mean he so he fucked with her.  I am saying it that way because that is Exactly what he did.

He started to play it off that he was Big Black man instead of the tall white guy he'd made his profile out to be because it was hard for him to find petite white women to date, and he's always had a problem dating small white women because they worried about being intimate with him.  She followed along...kind of flirty (his story and it's believable, I have heard stories from men and women about online dating).  He offered to send her a pic.  He said while messaging her he was searching for pictures of large African American penis.  The first picture she still played along.  The second he never heard from her again.

Mission accomplished.

Coooooool.

I think he doesn't realize that I [am] interested in getting to know him.  That he's a top contender.  Attractive to me (and I am surprised by it), funny, easy to be around...until today. 

I don't like having to coach someone on how to be in my life, particularly Right Away.  Worry about who you are to me, not who else I might date.  That's how you'll make me fall for you.  Or if my dating other people bothers you, after we've only known each other for one day, no harm no foul.

As I walked back to my bedroom to get ready for bed I had a realization, quickly, just seconds after talking to his coooooool self and after talking to him off and on all day today.


He really doesn't get me, he just decided to Claim me.

I think he's being cooooooool.  I think he is going to spend more time and energy trying to get prank-like revenge than focus on actually listening to what I have said and hearing that I [am] interested in getting to know him.

He's a fool.

Sadly, since I haven't gotten that chance I am totally not invested in him.  When he'd put my call to voicemail I thought, 'Oh well, the Universe and God have taken that one out of the picture.  I'm good with that.'

I'd told him about the Portuguese Cowboy date because he'd asked if my date was over.  I said yes!  For a while now.  He was surprised I was home.  I explained I didn't think it was going to be any thing anyway.  He said Why did you go on the date then?  I explained my POV was this; I have never met a Portuguese Cowboy before. 

I'm sure in his self absorbed version of our getting to know each other I just went out with the guy, and not appreciate that he, Don, is focusing on getting to know me, to just get a free drink and dinner.

I paid for the meeting.  The Cowboy got up to use the restroom and I paid for our drinks and appetizer. 
He drove an Hour, in a gas guzzling Duelie (big truck for hauling horse trailers) after a long day.  Of course I treated him.  To his Horror.  He said a woman had never paid for him before. He didn't like it but he was gracious and a gentleman about it.

No one has to agree with my choice, in particular Don (not a fan of his name btw).  I have been honest and forthright to the point of being blunt regarding my intentions so there is No misunderstanding.

I think Don fucked himself in regard to me.


I am not out to limit myself.  I am out to test myself.  Put myself out there, see if my boundaries are good and learn from my mistakes.  To meet people, take a chance on someone I might not consider otherwise (Like Don) and maybe surprised or meet a man I end up having a happy life with. 

I think talking this out with Don more than one time was a mistake.  I think seeing him again would be a mistake.  I'll think about it a bit more and decide how to respond to these feelings tomorrow.

One day, two 'dates', what the hell is wrong with men?  He's the second one to decided that's it, she's the one! 

Like John, wanted me but didn't want to treat me the way I deserved to be treated (I mean this in the purest sense of truth).

My feelings for him changed me.  His lack of ability crushed me, I set myself up for that.  But my feelings for him and our life together and his death changed me.

Don placed himself in a very bad position.  I doubt he'll see it that way though.