The Conversation I'm Having With Myself

I need to get some of this down...just a bit of the process...this never-ending process...I'm frustrated

I need to cut Matt out.  God, that sounds harsh in my head when I read it, think it.  This is about listening to my instincts though, my feelings, my needs and wants.

He's super nice.  He really wants to please me.  His assurances are really getting to be annoying.  So much can be said with out being said and he says too much.  Not a little too much.  Way too much.  I feel concerned he is letting everything that flows through his mind come out of his mouth.  Like every red light, 'I want to make sure you are okay.  I want to go slow.  I don't want to mess this up.'
'I like you a lot and I think you are a good person.'  'No matter what tell me what you want.  I want to learn what you want.'  OMG it hasn't been a month.  This is why I wait.  I am starting to see things I really don't like.  Little things that indicate big things.  He's so sweet.  Too sweet.  He needs better boundaries, not just with me.  Even his friends think he needs better boundaries.  Maybe if I felt a connection to him I wouldn't mind being that person.  But I don't, and I do.

I like him, but there isn't any chemistry for me.  There appears to be though. So I was trying to let things play out.  I have kissed him, a few times.  The way it feels to be touched is amazing but I am not connected to him.

It is the touch itself, the kiss itself.  Not even the kiss.  The touch. His hand on my back, the pads of his fingers trailing down my arm, his knuckle stroking down my knee...

I have to acknowledge I could close my eyes and it could be nearly anyone touching me and it would feel heavenly.

It's not enough.

So I've allowed things to progress a little.  I haven't had sex with him, but I have these moments when my body demands more...more, more. I am so, so glad I didn't go that far.  I''m so glad I didn't listen to those demands because I know myself, I would regret it.

So I mostly ignore it, that feeling of wanting more, but this man is quickly developing feelings for me and I could find myself with him if I just let myself give up on the things I want.  Because he's really kind and thoughtful and giving and assuring and assuring and assuring...

I think it is a confusing thing I am navigating in my head.  Is the Universe saying, here ya go Sugar... except this one thing or these few things... figure it out.  Is it that he is the guy I should have been wanting?  Just because he's nice?  I have met a lot of nice guys. Does that mean I should settle for him, or accept it because my friends think we are good match just because he wants to treat me well?  I don't want to take advantage of someone's heart and hopes.  That's not right.  To me it isn't.

I've often thought if there is any question of doubt then the answer is most likely no. 

I want more...I want a man that is more fully realized with out me and chooses me.  A man that challenges me, a man that fits.  I do not want a man that sees me as an oasis from the current crap he has going on.  I want to be more than a pleasant distraction and a muse turned love interest to someone I am not really interested in.

You'd think by 43 I wouldn't have to even say these things to myself.

Last night I found myself curiously observing as I watched us from the outside.  We went to see some art installations with a girl friend of his.

The first installation was a building of different display rooms and studios.  I liked several, in particular the metal sculptor.  Amazing work.  As well, for the first time in a very long time, I experienced that look across the room, well, before I entered the room.  Several times after.

I wandered into other rooms within the studios to look at others artists work.  Some very appealing artists work.  It felt so good to see what people can create.  It's been a long time since I felt inspired to create and to be able to talk to other artists.

Before we left to go to another location we were in the Sculptor's room again.  That look.  I knew Matt was aware of it, I could feel it coming off of him in waves.  He mentioned the 87 year old artists glomping onto me a few minutes before, he gave me a discount on a little Japanese water color study he'd done when he'd been in Japan.  Back in the Sculptor's room he really noticed, but didn't say anything...then Matt touched my back to take possession.

I know he noticed the Sculptor's interest as he'd move in close to indicate we were together. I couldn't help that he did.  We have no commitment, I've made that clear.  However, he still pushed the boundary and the Sculptor turned to talk to a really tacky girl after Matt touched my back and I was disappointed.

This is why I don't like spending time with men, and why I do.   With the wrong man people assume so damn much. With the right one it is wonderful.  I am frustrated I allowed this to happen.

At the next installation I ran into my photography instructor and mentor from college.  It was such a great surprise.  I love this man and his work continues to impress me.  I'd honed in on it without realizing it was his.  I focused on it then finally looked at the little cards by the work and immediately turned to look for him.  He was right there!  We spoke for a few minutes.  Matt was doing the velcro thing and I it made me feel crowded.  I felt the understanding sinking in and felt sad too.  Sad I'd not addressed it sooner, that I'd let little things happen because part of me wants and I didn't control it.

I don't like being crowded by him and I realize too late it is because I like him, but I don't LIKE him.  He's like a girl friend to some extent and even I feel like I am insulting him with that definition when I think it.

I want someone nice.  I want someone that has aspects of who he is but not him.

These little complications.  I have been taking it slow.  I have allowed a little.  I realize I compartmentalized with him and that is not what I am looking for.  Some things flow easily but I think that is because he is working very hard to make it seem like it is. I think I was trying to choose Matt because he's so nice and working hard to be what I need.  Anyone else would have taken what they want and then been fine letting it go.


I feel the need to introvert and pull away for a while.  From all of it.

I have these little demons crawling my back and resting on my shoulders whispering about their hunger...

I know what we'd like, more than they do. They are superficial and want sensation and that is so much like flying too close to the sun.  How else do I find that balance but to test myself?  To go through things like this, work through it to perhaps eventually arrive where I'd like to in regard to a relationship.

Like with Matt...in less than a month I spent a little time with him and realized I don't like him very much.

I want the look across the room.  I want someone I want too.  I want someone that has their own interests and ones they share with me.  I want someone that it is easy with.  I want someone Taller than I am, I really do.  I want someone that challenges me. I want a mutual fit.  I don't feel like I should have to choose someone because they have chosen me and that is what I am experiencing.  I want a mutual choosing.

I want to see the Sculptor again.



An aside. Since I have updated this a few times anyway what does it matter?
Dating is sort of two extremes right now.  I don't like that I am meeting men that I don't like that like me too too much.  I don't like those questions that form inside my head on a sort of slow delay.  Do you even like this guy? But why don't you like this guy?  I need to have a harder line and I feel like I have made that line more elastic because I wanted to give myself a chance to get to know them.  Matt is a prime example of this.  The more I got to know, the more I didn't like.  I knew right away he wasn't right so why did I bother?  All I did was set myself on short path of confusion and darken the bright joy of my first 'look across the room'
Yes, I will get over it.
What I do like...the mirror image of the above experience.  I haven't dated before.  I haven't put myself out there in this way before.  Active dating is draining.  It is less about the men I meet and more about me.  I am learning about myself and so I am a bit irritated I am being so hard on myself.  Like I said above, most people I know would just do whatever they want and walk away with no self recriminations.   For example, the woman we were with on this Art Walk night.  She's completely focused on this other Matt that has a girlfriend.  I like him and I like his girlfriend.  Matt's friend is very open about herself and I learned she has slept with him and his brother.  She is open in general about her dates and their intimacy.  She dragged me to a bar her obsession told her he was having a drink in.  OMG awkward.  I allowed it because it was good to get away from Matt and my growing negative view of him. 
I am learning about myself, about my boundaries.  To some people I have boundaries that are too tight, to me I feel crashed in on.  I am proud they are holding.
But I can't help it...I am thinking about Sculptor.  Why?  Why him?  Why that night?  Why did it play out like that?
And that thinking leads to me being very hard on myself.  This leads to me wanting to pull away from it all.

Last night I took my sons out to dinner.  Really I should shop and cook, but work was long and tiring and I wanted to go to the food trucks and sit and have a craft beer in a red Solo cup and spend time with my boys, watch them choose their own dinner.  A band played an instrumental version of The Girl from Impaema.
Colleen was there.  I immediately walked away and joined my sons at our table.  She came over and I ignored her.  My sons were merely polite.  She is my mother and the most toxic person I have ever encountered in my life.  She thrives on it.  There is a tsunami of information I could offer about how she is a blight on humanity and had I addressed her I would have been within rights to stomp on her and she knows it.  She finally walked away.
Dinner was delicious.  I slept like a rock.  I woke up at five (not what I'd hoped) and wanted to write here.  Then I stared at the page and felt horrible and superficial and shallow and silly.