Therapy

Square One

 Rolling with the punches.  As much as I strive to have a life that is balanced, reasonably balanced, I find that life tends to be a pot on a burner.  Though the setting is low, eventually the water will steam, boil, evaporate.

Am I in hot water?  Honestly, I am not sure I'd know.  Forgive the italics, I've tried to stop them but they persist.

Ive written recently that I am now the grateful but reluctant recipient of Medi-Cal.  I am happy to find that I am healthy and I have an opportunity to avail myself of mental health counseling.  Kaiser is a thorough hospital, in general.  I experienced this with my sons.  I've spoken to an assessment therapist.  She said I was remarkable.  She was impressed that I have done as much work as I have on my own.  That maybe a little therapy would help me get even further.  She also said that considering the trauma I've experienced that maybe I'd benefit from a prescription due to anxiety.  That long term anxiety can alter your brain chemistry and even the smallest trigger can set back progress.  I'm not particularly comfortable being medicated.  She referred me to a psychotherapist as the next step in the assessment process.  

I met with the psychotherapist the other day.  He's East Indian.  I am not sure he really understood what I was saying as I had to continually correct him when he'd repeat certain things back to me.  Perhaps it was a test to see if I would trip up in my own information sharing.  I filled out a form.  He didn't look at it once and asked me all the questions I'd already answered, writing on his little pad laying on his desk.  He had an interesting way of organizing information.  He wrote all over the page and I couldn't make sense of his placement.  I think it was something like 'Oh, here's an open space I can scribble on.'  I was more impressed with the Assessment Therapist.  She was impressive in her ability to follow what I'd told her...people, time line, experiences.

The psychotherapist was actually pleased I didn't want meds.  He referred me to therapy.  He also felt it might help me to talk to someone.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  

I'll be honest.  I am weary of telling the story of my past.  I am feeling as though I am so ready to move on, to move forward, to not carry it anymore.

So the other night I couldn't sleep because the loneliness made itself felt as it sometimes does.  

Now I am exploring the final ending of a toxic friendship.  I am finally ready to let go of someone I have known for many years and I am mourning it a little and I understand how right it is.  

Barbara is just unhealthy.  In general and in particular for me.  It's nice in a way, to come to this place of change in my life.  I don't feel like I have to fix her perception of me.  I don't feel the need to point out her issues to her (I never did but I thought about it).  I don't feel the need to compare myself to her, or hold on anymore.  I do find that I am sad to lose what I thought I had, or wanted.  I do worry that maybe my inability to form strong and lasting relationships indicates a major flaw in my own make up.  Then a quiet voice reminds me that these people I worked so hard to have relationships with were all reflective of each other and that many things in my past can not follow me into whatever future I will find myself in.  I hope I am not being narcissistic.  When I think things through I realize this one truth...all of the truly toxic people that have influenced my life in major ways are now out of my life.  The people that were critical and manipulative and self-serving are not there influencing my life.  These were major people in my life.  My mother, my ex-husband, John, Barbara.  

I confess I feel adrift.  This is something I'd like to talk to my therapist about, when I see him.  Is this normal?  I have a few new, tentative friends.  

I'll confess something else.  I am realizing I have trust issues.  I only let people so far in now.  I have been betrayed and abandoned by people that are supposed to be the ones I am supposed to trust and be able to rely on.  I am experiencing anxiety in these new friendships.  Cindy and I are kind and considerate and and building a decent friendship.  However, our family dynamics are so different.  She's married with three small children and our schedules keep us from building a strong friendship. I worry maybe I am not putting enough effort in?  Diana...this one is very tentative and we are very different.  She's very intelligent and a hard worker but is supported by her parents in her late 40's and she isn't a parent and she can be very judgmental and sensitive so I am a little afraid of her as we have had some problems already.  But I laugh with her and we seem to have worked past a few things.  She is also obese and kind of angry and insecure and I worry she might harbor some resentment toward me and probably feels that I am wasting what I do have to work with but when we talk about why we make certain decisions we do empathize with each other.  Matt.  He's a hard one.  I like him and I like spending time with him.  But he Likes me.  I haven't slept with him as I struggle with my attraction and my lack of attraction to him.  I feel I am seeing more and more in regard to his personality.  He isn't good at being alone I think.  His recent time-line on relationships doesn't fill me with confidence in regard to maybe choosing to cross that line with him and that is altering the things I find attractive about him.  I was attracted to his confidence, and his ability to read me...people, his empathy.  Namely his personality.  But he doesn't take time between relationships and I feel maybe he is getting bored and resentful that his being nice to me isn't playing into me deciding to have sex with him.  I am not sure if it is because he's gone just over a month with out sex so he is frustrated in general, or if he is frustrated with me in general because he can't manipulate me in this regard.  I feel I will be disappointed if that is all he turns out to be.  

It is something I don't like about myself.  Being a fragile person deep down.  Wanting to be able to trust the people in my life.  I don't like feeling hypersensitive and aware of subtle shifts in behavior.  

In regard to Matt I can hardly blame him.  My boundaries are set to protect me and are then reinforced when I find my hesitation was a well chosen course.  If he meets someone more willing he has every right to pull away and move on with his life and his next ex-girlfriend.  That may seem jaded, but in talking to him it seems to be his pattern.  It is a pattern I am trying to break in my life.  A little time and hesitation reveals a lot.  

I miss intimacy.  There are times when I question keeping myself from having sex.  I could have sex with out attachment or a relationship but even this involves a bit of trust doesn't it?

Last night I went downtown.  There were a few venues hosting an annual urban music fest.  I went with a new acquaintance and we had fun getting to know each other.  I like her.  I like how she talks about her life.  She's fortunate and knows it.  She has a healthy marriage and we have things in common.  While we were out I saw Adam.  I mentioned him a while ago.  He was the one guy I'd been very interested in running into one night at a show, he was with a man that was my first boyfriend when I moved to this city.  Anyway, the last few times I have seen him I have been a little embarrassed for him as he's been really drunk and socially retarded.  You know, the whole fractured fantasy thing.  Another moment I sighed in relief and lost interest.  Nicole laughed when he made a point to talk to the people we were chatting with.  I'm certain he doesn't know them in any real way, if at all.  I'd told her he has this thing he does when we are at the same venue (rarely).  He skims past me, gets in my eye line, and pretends we don't know each other, I'll catch him looking at me.  He proved my statement correct and she found it funny.  It's just become weird to witness.  It makes me feel that maybe none of us really gets past Jr. High.  

I'm watching Doctor Who.  I am hoping I can follow the little things that are important.  I'm the Doctor!  And Who are You?  Is it wrong I am empathizing with the Dalek?  It thought it knew itself and then it was changed by Rose...

Well, I suppose it is better to grow and change.  Those that do not become septic in life and personality.