Recently I went to a concert. While standing in line with my sister waiting to be ushered in at will call things were fairly mundane. The people watching was holding off the boredom until I saw three men I've had sex with.
"Iiiiiiiii need a drink, now." A sudden low grade anxiety attack began to creep its way into my chest. I'd like to point out, these incidents of intimacy happened 22 years ago with two, and 10 years ago, or so with the other.
The first ex-lover I saw was at the wee beginnings of my divorce. This was Mr. 10 years or so ago. It was O-V-E-R with my ex and I was bar tending and he looked like Vin Diesel and ended up possibly being some of the best sex I have ever had. It was a fun and a very short lived time. I felt freed from what I was leaving behind and knew exactly how it would play out. I didn't want anything from him as far as commitment of any kind. We had respect for one another and for the first time in my life I'd encountered someone I was completely uninhibited with sexually.
Soon after seeing Mr. 10 years or so ago, I look up and see the first person I met when I moved to this area, he was also my boyfriend for about two years. It's not the first time he's just shown up and thrown me off balance in the last year, I know I throw him off balance too but we always avoided each other after the polite hello, maybe make weird eye contact with each other a few times. He was WITH the third guy... right?!? Someone I've kind of still had a dim spark for even though I was furious with him when we stopped seeing each other. The catalyst, I made a sandwich. He said, with a an awed expression, "That is Exactly how I would make a sandwich." I think it freaked him out that we had so much in common. In fact he said it did. I'll admit, at times it was almost twin-like. And in his defense I did start going to a cult-like church. hmm. He just stopped seeing me but he told a bunch of people in our little ghetto neighborhood of cool about us sleeping together. Kiss & Tell is sort of a pet peeve of mine so I was insulted and furious and never did stop secretly liking him a little. I did not speak to him after that, I didn't speak to him that night even though at one point he was only feet away from me. Another secret... I really wanted to talk to him. I'd sort of daydreamed about it. I. Am. Pathetic.
The first guy noticed me right away, he was acting as one of the bouncers at the club. Yep. He Pretended like he didn't remember me and I actually found that incredibly entertaining. So did my sister. Men and their egos can be very strange.
My ex-boyfriend and I ended up dancing and having a really great time. He's puts me off balance, yes, but he's always been able to bring out a very carefree and wildly untamed side of me. I think one of the last times I danced was with him. Sad, right?
He's in a difficult place with his wife, they are recently separated. I know I probably sound heartless, but, all I wanted to do was dance with him. Have fun. Get a little connection and closure to the way we'd ended. Create a path to less weirdness. We'd really been friends more than boyfriend and girlfriend. And we d
Danced. We were always good together like that. Oh! Bonus, and Fury still gets a thrilling tingle at the memory, when he and I hit the dance floor I saw Eddie, right there. You know, the guy that kissed me but his life is full of drama, but that kiss sort of surfaced me from the grief I was drowning in and the passion I was convinced was Dead and Gone with John's passing? Yes, That Eddie. I smiled and gave a giddy wave. I realized shortly after he was just sitting on the wall with the Acquisitions and Mergers girlfriend he and I had spoken about. Oops. Well, I focused on my happy time dancing and several times caught Eddie looking on with major envy. I am not being egotistical in this observation. He Was. It was really wonderful and my evil side I never let come out to play was really pleased. Fury has a bazaar sense of humour, but we get along and I am starting to let her out more.
My ex and that nights dance partner messaged me right after I left the club. He was at Denny's... he let me know he was still reeling from seeing me. I can't be sure. He peppered me with many messages which I attempted to respond to. I was flattered but a little suspicious and I kind of played along because I'd had fun. He's always been rather cryptic and calculating so anything he says or writes can be mistaken by the receiver in my opinion. So I took some time the next day in the evening after work to answer and ask for clarity. I was long winded and when he finally responded it kind of pissed me off, because he didn't. He asked me a question I'd already answered. I later found out that question is his test question. I ain't got time for that! Hell no am I wasting my time on this crap. And for a few hours it dimmed my fun time memories. But I was able to shake if off and find myself smiling at the fun I had. It is a difficult practice I am working hard to make a pleasant and happy habit.
I was very surprised the next day when he called. I expected him to just disappear after that. I missed the call. He left a message sounding disappointed. He called the day after that and I'd missed it again. I'd change my ringtone but missing calls is another thing I am practicing. We ended up talking about everything, some in depth, some just barely worthy of having been mentioned. We spoke until after 1pm.
I know this place he is in. His wife and he will be far apart. She is giving him the slow roll, and he's like a focused arrow. He's going to hit the mark. If you get in his way, you will be cut to pieces and his trajectory will not lesson or alter.
I remember that about him and honestly I really like his wife even understanding her issues in their marriage. Everyone has issues, from their past, from things in the marriage, from insecurities, from a desire to control some aspect of their life.
They are at an impasse. I hope they get through it. To hear him tell of their beginnings though... and his version of things, and honestly he's always been fairly equal in his assessments of both parties responsibility and his intractability and assertiveness, I'm not sure this year break with them in different countries and seeing each other during set times for his visitation with his kids will work in their favor. The Mexican Stand-Off, slow rolling each other waiting for one to give in... I recognize that 'moving on while still almost holding on' thing. It's like watching a natural disaster build. You're waiting for the inevitable. In regard to a marriage ending I think it is just that way though. Now, I could easily picture myself in a relationship with him, the happy he and I picture. Hell, I have history and experience as building materials. Honestly, I could fit seamlessly into his plan. The partnership would be sublime, except for his being sort of a domineering asshole at times. I can't picture the ex's and handful of step children in that picture clearly. Hey, I visualize frequently as practice so don't read too much into that. No, seriously. *I'm laughing
The plain, stripped down, simple truth is, I am uncomfortable with the whole thing. While I am grateful for a perfect night of fun and the little bit of connection and little bit of closure, I don't want to be in the position of being this person he confides in. I don't want to be an emotional surrogate friend/wife and I'm afraid I am finding myself at the beginning of that. I want to be the first person to pull back, to say No. To establish self respect and boundaries and a kind of nice to have seen you bitchiness sort of way. However my instincts say we will simply just stop talking, as we started. Like an accident. We collided. Then we Uncollide. I had dropped this on him, just not in a definitive way. Like lost man in the dark he'll follow the light if I keep presenting it, even if it is merely electronic contact. No, not the sex hotline electronic contact thing.
Again, here's another little lesson magnifying how easily the pitfalls appear. I am so proud of myself I am recognizing them quickly and extracting myself from them more quickly and moving on and not mentally chewing on them as long anymore. I'd like to get to the point where I am aware enough, blunt enough, maybe fast enough at the wheel to steer clear of them all-together. I have always had supreme reflexes while driving. Even when someone else is I warn of problems up ahead.
I'd like to get to this point in my own personal life.
22 years and a perfect night... I almost wish it had ended at that, but I am happy about some of the things we talked about last night.
