Monday, April 29, 2013

Hot, Getting Hotter

I discovered this evening my a/c doesn't work.  I checked to make sure I had it turned on to cool/auto and not just 'on' which runs indiscriminately, it's just a fan setting and really doesn't draw enough outside air in to make it worth it.  This morning I set it to 75, the temperature read 80.  It ran through the morning before I left for work I reset it to 78, not change in the thermostat but I didn't spare time to think about it.  When I arrived home the thermostat read 84. I checked the filter to make sure it wasn't clogged.  It looks brand new.

I'm sad.  I don't have ceiling fans yet and I ran my a/c all day and the temperature increased.

I'll have to deal with it tomorrow.

Windows are open, the front room fan is on.

I'm listening to Other peoples a/c's work.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

I'm Just A Soul Who's Intentions Are Good

I never gave a thought to The Animals 'Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood' ever making  me cry.  It very nearly unhinged me at church this morning.  Little things like that blind-side me all the time these days. How did this come about?

Church this morning.  It was about communication.  The service, not counting the singing 'worship' part I am not into... It is because there is a lot of standing up and sitting down.  Singing=standing up, sit down quick welcome intro, stand up greet people next to you, singing=stand up, intro prayer, sit down, sometimes stand up and sing again, sit down, intro to sermon, sermon, end of service (the head pastor has a saying and then people repeat 'and to you'...

I'm not into it.  It makes me uncomfortable.  Why not have a period when you Stand and then SIT.  The up down, up down stuff drives me crazy.  The greet the people next to you bit, drives me crazy, the little saying and repeat bit at the end, drives me crazy.  Drives me crazy is a bit strong.  It annoys me for some reason.  I think it is because I want to go and observe and listen, not be dragged into socializing and singing.  Very few of the songs resonate with me.  I tend to like blue grass gospel personally, but I will admit there are a few I like and people are generally happy in a genuine way.

The part I like... a lot actually... Intro to service and service/sermon/talk whatever.  The intro is a special video or video skit.  Lately the service intro (this is what I call it btw) has been typically an old video from the Ed Sullivan Show, or Dick Clark's American Bandstand... I miss those shows btw, I'm 41 but I do remember them.  Those and the Solid Gold dancers and Soul Train.

The first in the Series opened with  The Beatles 'Help!', The second, Lesley Gore's 'It's My Party', the third Patsy Cline's 'Crazy' (a personal favorite), and today's The Animals 'Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood' (yep, I got teary and when I get teary my face gets hot, not pretty).  They start with the video feed and partway through a group will continue on with the singing.  I'll say it.  The guys do a better job than the gals do.  The chicks are shrill.  Even on the Patsy Cline song.  How could she?  Patsy Cline was smooth as whiskey and just as forlorn.

Anyway, I like the second half of service because I'm simply sitting and listening and thinking about what I'm hearing. 

I have to say this too... it is None of my business how you worship in your faith but the whole hand raising thing bugs me.  I don't get it, I find it distracting and weird, especially when someone does the shaky hand thing or get EmoTionaL.  In private fine, but in church it seems physically pontificating.  I know it is scriptural but still... there you have it.  My likes and don't likes about church bit!

After church my MIL gave me a turkey.  I'm defrosting a turkey in my refrigerator and have no idea what I am thinking with this.  Maybe I can get a few friends together and we can do a summer food version of Turkey dinner?  Or I can be selfish and like Darren McGavin's The Old Man from A Christmas Story.  Oh, that reminds me, we have a great Chinese place that serves Duck in town and I have been meaning to bring some home.

I dragged my groaning sons to Target and spent a ridiculous amount of money on food stuff and household cleaning items.  My bathroom shower is now soaking in cleaner as I type this.  Can't wait to try to clean that tomorrow morning when I am so groggy I can barely stand.  I like to plan ahead when it comes to self torture.

Since?  A solid two hour nap because I didn't manage to KO until after 12, and my El Negro Diablo Gato decided to molest my shoes at 5:30am forcing me to throw as many things within reach as possible at him. 
As well, Hamburger Helper and some healthy stuff with it for dinner, the boys were delighted.


Friday, April 26, 2013

Change of Address

The DMV forced me to accept that they will give my address information to those with a good reason for needing it.  Great.  When I indicated I did NOT accept, the DMV website threw me back to the beginning! Isn't that a tease?  You can not accept, and we do not accept.  NaNaNaNaNa.

It's done.  I'm going to knock on wood I don't get called up for Jury Duty.

Watching Valley Girl before taking my sons to see a movie. Ahhhh, my childhood.  Frightening how reflective this movie is of my actual experience.

Thoug I spent more time on the beach than I did the mall.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Against the Wind... blah blah post

Today was difficult.

As I pulled into (interesting expression) my garage after taking my sons to school I just sobbed.  So many little triggers.  Black trucks.  Any black truck...
The song on the CD.  Stupid HairBand Ballads.  Sobbed, then it eased.  Shower and move on...

Boundaries.  My career hasn't had proper boundaries, ever.  In particular I have had boundary issues as an independent contractor since I started professionally as a licensed stylist several years ago.  I have set pricing, in my head.  No little 4x6 card in a pretty frame.  This has presented a problem for me as I will 'modify' my pricing down frequently.  I am good at what I do.  I built a small, solid, loyal clientele quickly and I am slowly growing.  A loss here and there, but it happens.  I've learned to not take that personally and I've learned to recognize the ones that are not likely to come back... the 'Transiants' is how I think of them.  I think I do it due to little insecurities and they surface when a client asks, 'How much?'  

As well, I have had difficulties taking real risks to build steadily.  By risk I mean being in any way assertive about it.  I have been very passive about my business.  Though I am good at what I do I still have my insecurities, my inconsistencies. When I feel that way I tend to work hard but not smart.  I do well but I am not a good business person.

Suddenly I have had a shift.  I have created a referral system.  Today I went to OfficeDepot and had labels made. This was a mildly frustrating experience as the clerks seemed to be lost and disorganized, but I am also feeling emotional hang-over from this morning coupled with PMS.  Those poor people.  I wasn't rude to them, just in my head.  Oh yes, it's full technicolor special FX in there.

On the backs of roughly 100 of my business cards I am placing a label that reads (centered and in pretty font, obviously)...
-Refer a friend, receive 50% off
-Referred by
-Your name
-Service (for me to write in)
for equal or lesser value, excludes other promotions 
If a referral books and keeps the booking I will msg the client regarding their next appointment discount.

I would have also asked the Zombie Clerks at Office Depot to put together my price list on a 4x6 card but I was so irritated I drove across town to be even more irritated by the rude, 'over-worked' (just me, no other activity in front of or behind his counter of importance) clerk at OfficeMax.  I'd rather have the OfficeDepot Zombies annoy me.  At least they were just slow and apathetic.  This guy acted like he was launching missiles on North Korea and realized after he hit the Red Button he'd actually put in coordinates for Boston.  Get a grip son.  It's OfficeMax.  You don't even have any orders to process.  I know.  My 4x6 card is really an overload to your rats in a sinking ship on fire personality.  I bet he's an angry bible thumping door knocker on his off days. 

So I have my mental price list on my phone ready to present and I will have my 4x6 card made and it will be in a pretty font and in a pretty frame and I won't have to worry about modifying my price because I am feeling off that day in the communication department, or guilty because my prices are what they are (pretty much equal to everyone else in the shop and to industry standard I find, and in general competitive for my skill level in this economy, Insecure Guilt Be Gone)  If I modify price (for whatever reason) my clients, existing and new, will realize what a Deal they are getting!  It's a win for me and my clients can have confidence in my as their stylist.

I am taking steps and I feel better for it.  I handed out my first two referral cards today.  I figure two per client and if they want more they can have them.  I have a service that starts at $200 minimum, I can think of a few clients that will be very motivated.

I found out the other night my oldest son will be taking over playing drums during his mid-week and occasionally during a more casual second service at church.  He's excited but he's hiding it behind a cool facade.  I'm happy for him and it is a great opportunity.  He likes drumming but has never done anything formally to make it anything more than a simple interest.  I'm also touched the band is helping him learn to play for 'real' and teaching him the basics.  I have wanted this for him for a while now.  I'd considered lessons during summer but he landed himself in summer school last summer, and Already! this summer...

My youngest son is learning to do laundry and not just step over it.  He's doing great and with very little complaining.  He also put something back together tonight!  I came home to my antenna removed from my little radio/cd player I bought a few months ago.  I let him know he had to fix it or die.  He screwed it back on with his Swiss Army knife screw driver.

I'm so Proud!




Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Sleepwalking

I have always had vivid dreams.  High Stakes dreams.

Last night I had a very uncomfortable dream.  I woke up right after and just got out of bed, early, 5am.  Tried to shake it off.  I made coffee, started making breakfast for my sons because my youngest only recognizes Sugar as a food group, and my oldest is beginning Testing.  The useless kind that pigeonholes them for the state.

In my dream I find myself with a man.  I don't feel particularly into him.  We are in a house, in a room and getting ready to move on to another place. *skip

He's behind me with his arms around me.  Each hand cupping a breast, lifting one then the other.  I don't want him touching me this way but don't say anything.  He asks me, mouth close to my ear, breath on my neck, 'When did you get your implants?'  Lifts one, then the other, as if testing their weight.  I know being touched intimately Should be nice.  I just feel invaded and angry.  I hate the size of my breasts, I hate the 'implants', I hate him.  I want smaller breasts.  I feel regret that I don't have smaller breasts.  I feel regret he's been able to make me feel this way and what the hell is he talking about anyway?!!?  Why am I believing it's real because he is questioning like it is... *skip

He's undressing.  I'm not into him.  I'm observing him and he's moving around like this is an everyday thing.  I want to leave.

I look at him.  He's down to his boxer briefs.  I see his body is exactly like John's.  Everything is exactly like John's from his chin down.  Everything, really, except his face.  Even his hair.  Just his face is different, which is vaguely Dark European.  I'm shocked but quickly recover.  He's smaller in stature.  Much shorter.  Lesser.  I don't like him.  I don't say anything.

I'm over it. *wake up uncomfortable

And I really do wish I could have my boobs dealt with.  Wishing is all I have so I try to ignore it.

It's as useful as sleepwalking.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Fool Moon!

John used to act like an Ass when the moon was coming full.  I called him Fool Moon! Johnny!
He'd laugh.  He was proud of it.  #laughing

It has been four months today since John's death.  This is the first anniversary of his death that I have had anywhere near a decent day, much less a good one.  Actually, a really good one.

I have a lot to tell him later when I write to him.  I think he'll be happy for me.  I always found it interesting that he found me attractive when I am the person I am now, the person I am becoming more and more.  Yet, his insecurities would cause him to want to suppress, cage, control, sabotage that person he liked.  Sometimes it made me really angry, frustrated.  Most of the time though, it made me sad when I would move past disappointment.  Sad that he couldn't just let us realize our potential.  My problem was I wanted to protect us, him ... more than myself.  Stupid.  But an honest and genuine desire. 

I knew time was short.  I knew it.  Not just short as in break up, but short as in one of us wouldn't be here for long.  I honestly thought it was going to be me.  I tried to love my sons and him thinking everything would change soon. 

It wasn't a good choice, maybe.  But ... I still can't shake the feeling deep inside, it wasn't about choice.

I might love again, but I believe when I do it will be a happier love than this was.  A more fulfilling one.  With him though, it felt like it was beyond just us.



I hope my sense of well being isn't just because work has been running smoothly.

I recognize that I am still really fragile.  One thing, like my sons being jerks, work being slow, my family stalking me ... can throw off my Whole Day, or a significant part of my day.

I am working on that too.  Not letting something, or someone take over and dictate my personal comfort level in general.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Parental Discretion - A Rant

To My Sons,

You are assholes.  You are selfish.  You have finally convinced me.  I'm done being your Mom.

Like your father, like your grandmothers... I am now no longer here.  You can now make the effort and maybe I'll respond.  Like them.

It's a win, win.  Your father is right.  The parent that makes 5x more than I do and Admittedly underpays child support has it right.  You don't need braces, even though your dentists since you were little have said you absolutely do.  You don't need drivers training.  When you really want a driver's license you can pay and make the effort to get it, by yourselves.  You can get your own car.  Hell, I had to.

Maybe you'll finally stop treating me like a dumb bitch when I stop being there, and making everything nice for you.

You haven't spoken to your father since he moved in early December, before John died and while our lives were thrown into chaos.  No contact from him to you until You called him, and had a wonderfully mature conversation with him where You offered information about school and your life to him... I kindly ask you a question and your answer is 'IDK' and you treat me like I'm a stupid bitch that doesn't appreciate how you need me to just be silent and shell out money.

Remember when I said that legally all that is required of me is to feed, cloth, and provide shelter for you?  Welcome to the New Fucking Order.

Your surf/skate name brand clothing you're growing out of?  Walmart is your new provider, because honestly, even Target is a bit pricey and has some cool factor.

The endlessly consumed snacks and deli-meats and going out to eat (not as much lately, but still it happens)... done.

Milk/cheese (and not the good cheese either), cereal, bread, peanut butter, veggies, fruit, necessities.  NO extra.  And no lunch money for the yummy shit at school either.  Pack your meager lunches and enjoy them. Or Don't Eat.  The school will know you will be making your lunch and will no longer have accounts. You'll  have food, you just probably won't find it wonderfully delicious.

With the money I will be saving I will treat myself.  I will take myself out more, I will buy myself things I want.

Oh, and your gaming systems, games, and things you've had confiscated due to me trying to get you to understand there are consequences for your  OTT actions that you, my oldest son, informed me I didn't have a right to take (IPod) even though I paid for it, and paid for the downloads for it ... I'm now either selling and or, like the IPod for example, taking for my benefit now.

Any money you get from your grandma's on birthday's and holidays use it wisely because it will be the only way you'll get the extras you want.

Sports equipment... your dad can buy it but don't count on it.  He's always made sure he has what he wants but never did support your interests.

That was me. 




Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Learning Doesn't Have To Suck

It was interesting tonight spending time with my friend.  She is in a relationship that is a reflection of my relationship with John.  I won't go into details because they are different, and their path is different...

But so is mine.  One subject that came up was passion vs. settling.  I'm not less inclined to want passion, but I would say I am more inclined to desire companionship.  I have a very good friend that has found himself happy in a relationship.  I would honestly say she isn't terribly pretty, she'd older and looks like she's been there, a few times.  I'm not saying pretty is all there is... in fact, I am coming to believe pretty is the least important thing, though it is usually the first thing that attracts us.  She's smart.  And they have history.  He grew up as her younger brothers best friend... I could go on, but honestly I like her.  I like her for him.  I'm not sure she likes me though, but I wish she knew how non-existant I am as a threat.  He is like a brother in how I feel toward him and I respect their relationship and our contact is minimal at best now and mostly on FB.  Another male friend, similar situation.  I don't feel a loss at all.  I really find joy in their committed happiness and I really care that their girls do too.  I'd like a guy like them, but NOT them.

At one point she left to use the restroom and I asked him how it was.  His answer was... moving.  He said, 'It's easy.  It's so easy.  We rarely argue and when we do it is brief.  We like to do nice things for each other, we have fun ... IDK, it's just easy.'

My girlfriend reacted negatively to my saying that.  She'd had a passionless marriage with a total douche bag (I mean this w/o reservation, he is a total douche bag) and it was EASY.  They each did their own thing... and so on.  Her next example was a work friend of hers.  She is divorced from her husband and in a new relationship.  My friend and she were talking and passion came up.  Her work friend stated, 'My ex and I had passion and look where that got me?!  I am in this new relationship and it's easy.  He's nice.  He such a nice guy.'

I could see her skin crawl when she told me.  I can appreciate her feelings.  I can appreciate her work friends POV as well. 

I am not saying I am looking at all.  Actually, for the first time in my life I am interested in dating myself.  After giving two decades to two men, one out of obligation to a legalistic church (and no I wasn't pregnant! Our first son came just over two years later) and the other, John.  It was deeply passionate and completely lacking in boundaries... I am finally ready to just get to know me.

I met John very shortly after the divorce began and he was IT for me.  However, I didn't give myself ANY time to find myself after 13 years in crazy church and 10 of that to a marriage that should have never happened (but I am SO glad I have my boys).

I need to know me.  What do I like?  I don't really know.  It is a short list and vague at best.  What do I want?

I know I want to change certain things.  Yes.  Yes, I get lonely.  Very much so.  I am terrified nearly every day regarding taking care of myself and the boys and the future.  Then I have to shove that off and focus on the now.  The loneliness is sometimes overwhelming.  This is the perfect time for me to make a bad decision.

But I am VERY clear, if I don't embrace this time, this opportunity I'm doomed.

I expressed to my friend tonight that I want to find me, not someone to distract me. 

I realize my whole 'dating' life I have been attracted a particular type of guy.  Not
Tall, dark and handsome, So Cal beach blond athlete... no, I'm eclectic in my tastes.  I am attracted to something they put off.  Probably best defined as wrong guy at the worst time and not my best me. 

If I am undefined within myself I will simply be attracted to a distraction from having to find myself and end up in this cycle again of where I have been.

I don't want to do that anymore.

I understand some things about myself now and that is due to my relationship with John and my love for him.  And yes, his death freeing me and giving me a chance to change. 

Somehow that love for him is coming back to me, I guess.  I want more than passion (which is so often drama and I really hate drama), and working so damn hard and finding I've just been chasing my tail and wearing myself out.

I know what I want.  I know I am willing to work at it.  But I don't want just work.  I don't want struggle and repair and overcoming to be the only things I have with someone, with passion peppered in.  And btw, I was never a make up sex girl.  I don't get that.  And I think sex can be Awesome.

It has to start with with me.  It's going to take time.  From there I know without any uncertainty that if there is a relationship in my future it will be nothing like the relationships of my past.

I have such good role models now.  Good friends, good people that have found good partners.

And if I don't?

That's cool actually.  I am really learning to like having a relationship with myself.

Welcome To Your Next Life

I remember clearly giving birth to my sons.  My oldest son was born in under five hours.  I was determined, so was my ex, our boy would not be born on his Grandfather's birthday.  Somehow we knew, if he was, he'd be a total asshole.  Somehow it would be unavoidable.  Thankfully we avoided it by a few hours and I say with great confidence, he's a wonderful person.  He's sensitive, private, kind, and has amazing boundaries.

My youngest son arrived just under four years later in under three hours and was delivered by me alone in the front passenger seat of my car in the softly lit parking lot of the hospital.  We thought we had enough time.  I'm so happy we didn't because it is still number 1 in a short list of 'Greatest Things In My Life' category.  He is my wild, ADHD, Joyous, zest for life child.

Last night I caught my youngest son looking at cartoon porn.  Yep.  Dragon's Fucking ... or something like that.  Seriously?  The first night I drag out my HP Mini in, forever, and the boy heads for cartoon porn and the bathroom.  I didn't give him the chance to wipe the history.  I am thinking it is because he couldn't figure it out.  He did figure it out on my phone. He's caught now!

How does one even find Dragon's Fucking?!!?

My computer and phone are now off limits and I am terrified my sons idea of sex is now totally corrupted.  Dragon's Fucking covered some broad territory.  Hetero-Dragon's, Gay Dragon's, Wet Throbbing Male and Female Dragon's, Dragon's with facials, Dragon's in bondage... full illustrated penetration, etc.

Greaaaaat.

I worry about him because he reminds me so much of John.  We used to joke around about the two of them.  I'd say, 'If he were brown I'd know he was your son!'  Their birthday is on the same day.  One is blond, blue eyed, and Caucasian.  The other was of  European/Spanish/Hawaiian/Japanese decent. 

I have learned I can not change anyone, I can barely change myself.  I am learning I can't even influence change in others.  I tried for a while, staying in contact with my family.  Overlooking toxic behavior because families are supposed to stick together.  Loving John and working on having a harmonious relationship to experience sabotage over and over.  I kept trying, I kept tryin to think of ways to shine a light bright enough for him to see.  It was my choice, I know this.  Then I chose differently and like anything it is good and bad.

As a mother though... I see the positives in my sons but I worry about them a lot.  Then I reflect on my own youth and I hope and I know, somehow they'll figure it out.  They'll move forward in their lives, hopefully find their passion (I hope it isn't porn), and, I'm curious to see them as adult men beyond my fears of today. 

Monday, April 15, 2013

No More Waiting

I have learned to be patient.  To wait.  And wait, and wait, and wait.

Sometimes it drove me crazy as shit. 

I realized this just recently when there was an event I was interested in going to and found myself putting it aside and couldn't for the life of me figure out why.  There was no discernible reason to not go.

It started with a drive by.  After work I was driving to the bank to make a deposit and drove by what is called a CartHop.  A few local restaurants take lunch trucks to scheduled destinations around town.  They specialize in locally grown produce, breads, meats.  I imagined how much fun it would be to go and then found myself deciding not to. 

One of those John things.  Then I was more than slightly miffed.  I realized I'd passed on so many experiences because Mr. Johnny Asshole never wanted to do anything.  He'd only try new things under huge pressure from me or his usual thing.  I believe it was due to him not wanting to run into anyone he'd had sex with and/or screwed over.  Though, strangely he was pathological in his the places he would go.  He was special that way.  If I'd have wanted to I could have become an expert stalker with ease but honestly the thought of being that drama crazed person freaked me out so much more than how strong any reasoning behind the stalking would be!  Okay, I did a little at one point.  I mean teeny tiny, hardly anything compared to his abilities or those of the women he drove bat-shit crazy.  After my almost letting Fury out-Kiss with crazy I refused to become 'that girl'.  Sadly I think he needed that to feel loved.  He was a pure product of 'The Hair Band Generation' of Love.

So I went home, got my kids off the couch and away from their Nick-Teen show of the moment, and went to, not the CartHop, ohnooooo.  Something bigger.  A local annual fair.  Not the big one with the horse races, livestock, etc. 

I had fun.  Not as much fun as I wanted but I did have fun.  I also observed John's Ghost laughing with a buddy (as he used to go to this fair every year, drink, scam on women, and have a good time) and understood he couldn't do those things without needing to be that guy.

I don't want to be stuck waiting anymore.  I don't want to be like John either, locked into a narrow definition of a certain expectation of my life.

I've been given a gift.  For the first time in my life I understand that I can reach out and experience life... on my terms.  No more waiting.

Since his loss I have been slowly taking back my life.  Not just from my relationship with him but from my entire past... my families dysfunction, my marriage to my ex and years given away to a legalistic church, and John.  I've been led and directed by others my whole life.

And I'm finally over it. 

There is a saying I love... it's something like this...

'Whatever you want to do, do it.  Someone is bound to criticize you anyway.'

I don't Need the approval of anyone for the first time in my life.

So when I freak the fuck out I need to remind myself of that.  To take the lessons I have learned, to keep the wisdom ... but to take continue to take chances and embrace my life.

On my horizon: an evening with a Bestie, another 'fair' this weekend, the coast in June (as often as possible because as a kid it was right there for me All The Time), a concert (I love live music and this is a big name performer)...

Any suggestions?

One Wheel in the Ditch, One on the Track

I'm not sure I began the right way.  I am tempted to go back, delete, start again.  It's an urge I am resisting.  I'm trying to learn to be in the moment so there are bound to be some things that make me color with embarrassment, shame, regret or even post decision indecision.

I'll leave it.

I have printed out a few more pages of John's face and I will continue to write on those.  It has helped me.
The initial thought behind those pages was brought to my new home by a close friend as a slash and burn campaign for my beginning the healing process.  She brought champagne, a propane lighter, the pages, and a glass pitcher.  She was being furious for me when I was in the initial stages of shock after shock of John's sudden death, when all the shadows of his life he'd protected me from became full fleshed monsters coming out in high point attack mode to defeat me.  Even now I find I am like a pendulum swinging back and forth between love and forgiveness and understanding to, 'That Shady Asshole, I'd like to drag him back from whatever Hell I hope he is in and Beat the Shit out of him and send him back!'  These pages will be shredded in June and buried during low tide the weekend his ashes are scattered.  Six months from December.

The pendulum is slowly finding center though.  The emotions are beginning to blend and their intensity is shifting and changing into some kind of complex tapestry.  I thought the further along I traveled from December 2012 the closer I'd be to clarity and feeling better, stronger, moving forward.  Honestly, the last several weeks have been difficult. 

I think I've handled all the fall out well.  Since last November I've lived in four homes (My place John had moved in with me and we'd been living together for over 7 years together for about 10), our first new place together (I moved out on the 3rd because life had become intolerable), to my Ex-mother-in-law's for a month, to my home now.  Also in November I changed job locations.  Yes, same job, different location.

Which leads me to what is really under my skin freaking me out and terrifying me lately ... I am self employed and work has been slow ... on top of the major change of not having my 'life partner' (John hated that term and I used to tease him with it from time to time when he would bring up getting married).  While I am trying to adjust to not having him in my life, emotionally, physically, financially my work-life has been unreliable.  Isn't that just the way of it though?!!?

The same time all this happened my sons father moved away.  He decided the politics where he was working were getting too clicky and made a transfer.  He's several hours north now in another city on the border of another state. 

So everything is different for the boys and I now, all at once.  Everything but my sons schools.  That is the only constant in our lives.  I am grateful for that. 

Our driving routes are different.  Our local shopping is different. Different has helped, but it was still a major adjustment within major adjustments.

So I am on my own.  Yes, I have my friends, my sister, and my (ex)mother-in-law, it's true.  However, they can't be there every moment of every day.  As well, I don't speak to my family.  Well, more specifically Mother, Grandmother, Grandfather.  The final cut off was last June for my Mother, the day after John's death for my Grandparents. 

Just to put it out there... My half-sister (my Dad's Daughter) hates my family too.  As do my best friend, my ex-husband, John (while he was alive and with the most reason next to my Sister and myself to loath her), as well, my Sister's closest family and friends.  My ex-mother-in-law (who for purposes of ease I will now simply call my Mom) finds them distasteful and their behaviour shocking.  I suppose hate/loath are strong words, but I'm not sure how else to express my instinct for survival and need to avoid at all costs the toxic people I was born to.

My Mother aka She Who Must Not Be Named.  In the animal kingdome there are those that would eat their young.  She is one of those.  When I have little contact with her I can face the insanity with humor.  When she stalks me I have anxiety. 

Thankfully, and in a large part due to my relationship with John, my relationship with my family ended after years of me trying to maintain some sort of bridge to ongoing relationships with them.  A person is supposed to be in contact with their family, right?  Well, I finally understood it's okay to let some things go.

So he wasn't all bad.  Through observing him and many of those qualities I might very well at times bitch about here, or mourne... I learned a lot.  I grew up inside.  I woke up.

He and I had a lot of things in common in how we faced our lives.  He just did it on an epic scale. 

If he were alive today there are very good odds we'd be back together and I'd be blogging about what a dick he can be and how disappointed I am and suspicious I am of his behavior.  I'd still be trying to overcome his serious injury to my ability trust him, wishing he wasn't making the simplest things difficult.  Wishing he'd just take hold of what we have and help me realize our amazing potential...

If he were alive today he'd be unable to be/do/have that life with me because of the horrible traps he'd built due to neglect, and being impulsive. 

His death was due to those things. 

So I am here working on what was and what's next and trying to appreciate what is now.

I am trying to figure out how much of me is left and whether or not I am any smarter.

I want to be.  I want to hold on to the lessons I've learned.  Move forward still me, not bitter or bitchy (unless I am being just being funny about it), smarter, but still me. 

It's difficult trying to look forward, move forward and yet allow myself to mourne and give myself time to heal.  The loneliness and doubt are sometimes suffocating.

I have my impulsive side, my devious side?... I just keep her reigned in tightly. I think it is a deep fear of being like my Mother that keeps her (aka Fury, God yes, my crazy has a name) in line.  And being a Mom...  I'd often understood if I didn't have my sons I would have responded with more Fury and less 'me'.





Opening Windows

A tremendous upheaval...

I've been writing Dear John letters on copy paper with his face printed on one side, processing everything that has been happening in the last decade.  Processing everything that has happened since December.  I'm out of those and I'm going to endeavor to continue that process here...

John died December 22, 2012, just 19 days after I packed my things, my sons and moved out of our new home December 3, less than a month after moving in.

I left the man I was in love with.  The man I spent years and years loving and trying to build a life with.  The man that broke me.  The man that showed me just how confusing, conflicting, and life changing love can be.

The first time I saw John the earth moved under my feet, and I thought, 'Oh Fuck. My life is never going to be the same.'

I had no idea how deeply and profoundly those words would prove true.

We were instantly magnetized.  I was naive enough to think it was a beautiful thing.  My world was falling to ashes and you were there.  Your world was falling to ashes, and I was there.

However, I had no idea what your world was beyond what you allowed me to see.  You knew everything about mine.  It was a decade later, over hard terrain and a falling into the choke of loss I learned what your life really was.  Now I am here beginning to process this Life I am left to rebuild.