I remember clearly giving birth to my sons. My oldest son was born in under five hours. I was determined, so was my ex, our boy would not be born on his Grandfather's birthday. Somehow we knew, if he was, he'd be a total asshole. Somehow it would be unavoidable. Thankfully we avoided it by a few hours and I say with great confidence, he's a wonderful person. He's sensitive, private, kind, and has amazing boundaries.
My youngest son arrived just under four years later in under three hours and was delivered by me alone in the front passenger seat of my car in the softly lit parking lot of the hospital. We thought we had enough time. I'm so happy we didn't because it is still number 1 in a short list of 'Greatest Things In My Life' category. He is my wild, ADHD, Joyous, zest for life child.
Last night I caught my youngest son looking at cartoon porn. Yep. Dragon's Fucking ... or something like that. Seriously? The first night I drag out my HP Mini in, forever, and the boy heads for cartoon porn and the bathroom. I didn't give him the chance to wipe the history. I am thinking it is because he couldn't figure it out. He did figure it out on my phone. He's caught now!
How does one even find Dragon's Fucking?!!?
My computer and phone are now off limits and I am terrified my sons idea of sex is now totally corrupted. Dragon's Fucking covered some broad territory. Hetero-Dragon's, Gay Dragon's, Wet Throbbing Male and Female Dragon's, Dragon's with facials, Dragon's in bondage... full illustrated penetration, etc.
Greaaaaat.
I worry about him because he reminds me so much of John. We used to joke around about the two of them. I'd say, 'If he were brown I'd know he was your son!' Their birthday is on the same day. One is blond, blue eyed, and Caucasian. The other was of European/Spanish/Hawaiian/Japanese decent.
I have learned I can not change anyone, I can barely change myself. I am learning I can't even influence change in others. I tried for a while, staying in contact with my family. Overlooking toxic behavior because families are supposed to stick together. Loving John and working on having a harmonious relationship to experience sabotage over and over. I kept trying, I kept tryin to think of ways to shine a light bright enough for him to see. It was my choice, I know this. Then I chose differently and like anything it is good and bad.
As a mother though... I see the positives in my sons but I worry about them a lot. Then I reflect on my own youth and I hope and I know, somehow they'll figure it out. They'll move forward in their lives, hopefully find their passion (I hope it isn't porn), and, I'm curious to see them as adult men beyond my fears of today.
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