No More Waiting

I have learned to be patient.  To wait.  And wait, and wait, and wait.

Sometimes it drove me crazy as shit. 

I realized this just recently when there was an event I was interested in going to and found myself putting it aside and couldn't for the life of me figure out why.  There was no discernible reason to not go.

It started with a drive by.  After work I was driving to the bank to make a deposit and drove by what is called a CartHop.  A few local restaurants take lunch trucks to scheduled destinations around town.  They specialize in locally grown produce, breads, meats.  I imagined how much fun it would be to go and then found myself deciding not to. 

One of those John things.  Then I was more than slightly miffed.  I realized I'd passed on so many experiences because Mr. Johnny Asshole never wanted to do anything.  He'd only try new things under huge pressure from me or his usual thing.  I believe it was due to him not wanting to run into anyone he'd had sex with and/or screwed over.  Though, strangely he was pathological in his the places he would go.  He was special that way.  If I'd have wanted to I could have become an expert stalker with ease but honestly the thought of being that drama crazed person freaked me out so much more than how strong any reasoning behind the stalking would be!  Okay, I did a little at one point.  I mean teeny tiny, hardly anything compared to his abilities or those of the women he drove bat-shit crazy.  After my almost letting Fury out-Kiss with crazy I refused to become 'that girl'.  Sadly I think he needed that to feel loved.  He was a pure product of 'The Hair Band Generation' of Love.

So I went home, got my kids off the couch and away from their Nick-Teen show of the moment, and went to, not the CartHop, ohnooooo.  Something bigger.  A local annual fair.  Not the big one with the horse races, livestock, etc. 

I had fun.  Not as much fun as I wanted but I did have fun.  I also observed John's Ghost laughing with a buddy (as he used to go to this fair every year, drink, scam on women, and have a good time) and understood he couldn't do those things without needing to be that guy.

I don't want to be stuck waiting anymore.  I don't want to be like John either, locked into a narrow definition of a certain expectation of my life.

I've been given a gift.  For the first time in my life I understand that I can reach out and experience life... on my terms.  No more waiting.

Since his loss I have been slowly taking back my life.  Not just from my relationship with him but from my entire past... my families dysfunction, my marriage to my ex and years given away to a legalistic church, and John.  I've been led and directed by others my whole life.

And I'm finally over it. 

There is a saying I love... it's something like this...

'Whatever you want to do, do it.  Someone is bound to criticize you anyway.'

I don't Need the approval of anyone for the first time in my life.

So when I freak the fuck out I need to remind myself of that.  To take the lessons I have learned, to keep the wisdom ... but to take continue to take chances and embrace my life.

On my horizon: an evening with a Bestie, another 'fair' this weekend, the coast in June (as often as possible because as a kid it was right there for me All The Time), a concert (I love live music and this is a big name performer)...

Any suggestions?