Fool Moon!

John used to act like an Ass when the moon was coming full.  I called him Fool Moon! Johnny!
He'd laugh.  He was proud of it.  #laughing

It has been four months today since John's death.  This is the first anniversary of his death that I have had anywhere near a decent day, much less a good one.  Actually, a really good one.

I have a lot to tell him later when I write to him.  I think he'll be happy for me.  I always found it interesting that he found me attractive when I am the person I am now, the person I am becoming more and more.  Yet, his insecurities would cause him to want to suppress, cage, control, sabotage that person he liked.  Sometimes it made me really angry, frustrated.  Most of the time though, it made me sad when I would move past disappointment.  Sad that he couldn't just let us realize our potential.  My problem was I wanted to protect us, him ... more than myself.  Stupid.  But an honest and genuine desire. 

I knew time was short.  I knew it.  Not just short as in break up, but short as in one of us wouldn't be here for long.  I honestly thought it was going to be me.  I tried to love my sons and him thinking everything would change soon. 

It wasn't a good choice, maybe.  But ... I still can't shake the feeling deep inside, it wasn't about choice.

I might love again, but I believe when I do it will be a happier love than this was.  A more fulfilling one.  With him though, it felt like it was beyond just us.



I hope my sense of well being isn't just because work has been running smoothly.

I recognize that I am still really fragile.  One thing, like my sons being jerks, work being slow, my family stalking me ... can throw off my Whole Day, or a significant part of my day.

I am working on that too.  Not letting something, or someone take over and dictate my personal comfort level in general.