Ripples Can Distrupt What Is Reflected

Yesterday, Sunday.  I woke up to the sound and smell of rain.  Hard rain.  It was brief but any rain is welcome in California right now.  The cool heavy feel of moisture in the air was wonderful.  I had a day of no pressure, no worries.  Not really. 

Yet I still felt anxiety.  I could trace the triggers back to Barbara and letting her go and her insultingly crazy behavior.  Her ripples were causing anxiety and the anxiety was reflected onto Matt. 

I find it interesting how selfish we can all be.  How we get so wrapped in our bubbles of narcissistic perception.  How even if we know someone's circumstances we can often read our own issues into their behavior toward us.  I know I can, though, unlike others I have known, I don't inflict and project it onto others.  I try to step back and deal with myself first.  Regardless, I still felt anxiety and it Sucked.

I was doing this Saturday night, much of Sunday.  My feelings and my day were effected by a few text messages. 

Matt would message me and then seem disinterested.  Not his usual consistent self I was accustomed to.  I found myself thinking, why bother messaging me?  One of the things I like about Matt is he communicates.  He'll ask, and he'll listen to the answer.  He'll offer information.  He does this with everyone.  Saturday night I felt he was pulling away and still trying to be polite.  I was thinking, why bother?  Just be straight, or ask if you have something to ask. 

I also considered the things he has going on in his bubble...and left off any sort of confrontation knowing if I let it play out I'd have whatever answer I might need.

I did.  Later in the day he, Diana, and I decided have dinner here at my place.  We had a great night and he mentioned he is struggling with a decision about his living situation pending a possible promotion at work while he's been packing his things and dealing with his living situation.

There you have it.  We all have our little moments that effect our day and how we communicate with others. It's so easy to get lost in our worries and perceptions.

 I am glad I didn't just react outwardly to the triggers of my day or the last couple of days.  I rarely do. I am glad to learn it was just ripples and not my fears and insecurities coming true.

The day ended well.  I made beef stew and Diana, Matt, and his daughter Lizzy came over and my sons and I enjoyed dinner with our friends.

And this ends with a happy realization. 

These new friends are so different from my old relationships.  We laugh, and I find my laughter genuine.  We lingered and we were all sorry to see the evening end.  I haven't had this before, this genuine enjoyment of friends and company. 

Anyway...little steps.  And an interesting lesson in how I can be set back briefly, affected by something unrelated to my life in general.