Oh My God

Well, I am here because I am feeling like an ass.

This is a situation, and my friend is correct, I will learn from it and move on.  Eventually.  Like maybe after dinner and a glass of the same wine I drank that influenced my signing up for the dating site in the first place.

This is about Mr. #4 man I met online.  **sigh**

My girlfriend asked if I had heard from him after asking if I was planning on meeting someone else.

Now, backing up just a little bit, I get anyone I meet is meeting other people.  I am totally okay with that.  The strange thing about online dating, and this is something Mr. #4 (a guy I wanted to see again) said, you'll talk to someone for a while, then suddenly nothing.  It was just part of it.

Mr. (possible) #5, the one she asked if we were planning on meeting has kind of had me off balance.  He's not constantly messaging me, or even really with any consistent expectation. He mentioned that the more we messaged it seemed the more we had in common.  He has two children that are 5 and 6 so I get being careful and if he's interested in others...and if he has other family obligations...our messaging will be sporadic.  We were supposed to meet last Saturday but he messaged me to let me know he had to do something with his father.  Well, he wants to meet on Tuesday, but...I'll admit it, he said some night next week and I let him know when I was available and that a local place had live music Tuesday night.  He said that would work.  I can't tell if he's enthusiastic or not and I am thinking this way because he's not trying to make the time firm.  Nothing like, okay, we'll meet at 7 at such and such a place and have a drink. He just said Tuesday night sounds good.  Not knowing where he is coming from isn't a big deal but it's a bit unsettling?  I am not accustomed to this world, to dating even.  I know, I know...if we meet on Tuesday I'll have a clear idea where it is or isn't going.  Same thing if we don't meet.

But these two situations, #4 not messaging me today and then (You'll see below) and #5 making me feel off balance...have me feeling like I have no control.  It's uncomfortable.  I'm being tested and I think I feel like I am not responding well.  That I am perhaps showing I haven't grown...

As she asked in text messaging about Mr. #5 (I am using this method of description for your benefit my only reader...however when I explain this next bit you may say to yourself that I clearly need to get my shit together.)

Again, as she asked about Mr. #5, she then asked about Mr. Hour Away #4... I told her that yes he'd messaged me yesterday and our last message was at 5:30pm.  I then messaged her, He messaged me first in the morning Happy Hump Day and that it was an inside joke he'd shared with his friend with benefits he'd had for a while...hmmmmm

And then I topped it off with, He's not That cute! ;)

Then I noticed I'd sent it to him...I hadn't closed his text windows when I was looking back over our texts!

This is not the first time I have done this.  When I was meeting the Portuguese Cowboy I was messaging her my plans, for safety, and accidentally sent the message to Don, the guy that  I'd seen a few times and he'd just messaged me he didn't want to know about my other 'dates'.

I have a problem. A texting problem.

I told her, maybe this is universes way of keeping the guys I am not meant to be with out of my life. 

She said I need to delete messages (as in threads) so I can't make that mistake.  I like to have a reference though!  And paying attention is something I obviously need to work on.

He finally responded, just now, saying it was in reference to the [stupid] camel commercial and he sends it to his friends and not a sexual reference at all.  And...good luck on my search.

I sort of deserve it, but...I sort of don't.  However, he doesn't know me and well, I get it. 

I do think it is the Universe keeping the wrong guys away from me.
That might sound stupid in your head when you read it but whatever.

I will now describe me feelings...stop reading if you don't want to know.

I feel really embarrassed, and sad he has the wrong impression no matter if he is right or wrong for me.  He saw a something out of context and it wasn't a pretty representation.  I was analyzing because I haven't heard from him since last night and figured it was like he said...you'll talk to people and everything is fine then... nothing.  And maybe he's not that into me if he didn't bother messaging me today... Hi, My name is Layne and I'm being neurotic.

Then I send that example of 'maybe it's not what I think' accidentally. And the He's not That cute refers to me not letting my attraction to someone keep me from seeing red flags or maybe what he is all about and that he's not cute enough to be just a fuck buddy??? Ugh...

I feel stupid and I want to fix it.  I tried, but he's already over it.  I can't work myself over because of this.  I wish he was willing to consider why I would say it in the first place and laugh it off, but he's not going to be that guy and I am not going to over explain it.  That is what this entry is for I guess.  I can be that here...while I am stopping being that person in my in real life personal relationships.

I am learning to let go and move on I guess.  Interesting lesson I have learned so far while online dating.  Similar outcome, three different reasons.  This one though, I will struggle with a bit.  I'll struggle with it because I feel I am fault and I wasn't prepared to be on this side of things, not like this.  You're just not that into me, cool.  But this is...bothering me right now.  And this is an interesting situation I have placed myself in.  When I stop being mortified and wishing I could go back in time I think I might get a lot out of it.

I clearly need to be more conscientious when I am texting my girlfriend. 

I'm not sure I will be online dating for long. 

If I'm not, because it is just so damn awkward, I will try to use what I have learned and maybe having broken the ice, be better at meeting people in real life without the benefit of a dating site. 

But maybe Mr. #3 five date Don was right.  Maybe, even if I want to be, I'm not ready for this...
Maybe it's not time yet.