I Like You! I Really Really Like You

Is there something wrong with me?

I made this decision, granted wine helped, to put myself out there.  To open up my world, to test myself.  I want to know if I have grown.  I want to see if I have learned anything from the past so I can have the kind of future I am trying to build for myself, the kind I envision myself having.

My life is quiet and drama free.  I love it.  Sometimes I really want to share it with someone.

I had a dream a few nights ago.  John was a ghost.  Only I could see, hear, feel him.  The love, god, it was a power pulsing throughout.  He was there.  I felt his touch, spoke with him, looked at him looking at me.  It was beautiful.  Just before I woke up we'd been laying on the couch together.  Just that simple moment.  I woke up with that feeling crashing through me and I cried.  A year and a half later I can still be undone.

I let it happen.  I settled.  I moved myself into the other room and made coffee and I recovered.

I wrote before about the guy I went on a few dates with, the one I felt was not understanding my need to date, to test myself, to open myself up to different people, to experiencing life again.

He sort of recovered that moment.  We met for lunch and he was easy going.  Messaging on a phone, things can get lost in translation.  Even one on one things can get lost.  It takes effort and honesty, and being blunt sometimes for confusion to not set in.  I believe being emotional, vulnerable can really twist and complicate things.  It's important to communicate and be clear.  If the other person listens and acts on it appropriately everything is good to move forward or things need to be assessed.

Lunch was fun.  He didn't have anything behind his eyes.  I've have Satan's sister as a mother so I know what those eyes look like.  The playing it cool eyes but all the creepy shit behind them lurking.

My impression, after that lunch, another dinner, and a lunch/movie (in the coldest theater in the nation, wth!) that, yeah, he's really, really into me.  Now it is a healthy into me or is this a pattern with him.  Remember he was there at date two.

I just don't think I am into him.  I like him.  But, isn't it kind of early for us to be really, really into each other?  I know very little about him.  He knows very little about me.  He is determined to get to know me.  He said he feels I am special and very worth the wait.  That could be great, or really creepy.  I was hoping for something in between that builds on itself to something good, not me being dumped in a canal or ponding basin.

He said the first thing he thinks when he meets someone for the first time is, 'Can I introduce this woman to my family?'

I am totally that kind of girl.

I think there is so much about him to like, to fall for.

He has lovely thoughts about me.  I mean, life thoughts.  Not just me in his bed, naked.  Me in his bed, as in, in his life.  He pictures me part of his every day.

It's clear he's full on attracted to me.  I find him attractive.  But something in me backs up.  He's affectionate, and he looks at me with something more than 'Let's Get It On' but I wonder if my radar is tuned to the 'falling for a manipulation' channel.  Not being invested makes me feel safe, but I wonder if it is hurting my ability to let a really nice guy in too.  See?  Too complicated already.

But it's so fast.

I'm trying to work it out in my head.  I have those thoughts.  The little things in life with him in it.  But is that real?  I have a vivid imagination and I am trying to consider if this person could fit.  I think I could imagine myself into Charles Manson fitting into my life.  The strange relative I visit in the old folk's crazy home...

Is there something wrong with me?

I think it is one of those situations where he has a lot of potential but I am not interested in him sexually.  And I am trying to work that out.  I felt a glimmer of it, but nothing I'd move on.  And...
The real question...do I only get turned on by assholes, even if I don't know they are assholes yet?

I don't think so.  I am not in that place anymore.  I am finding I am listening to myself.  I am being honest with myself and with the people in my life.

It's really wonderful.  I am not setting myself aside anymore.  There are a few boundaries I'd like to see strengthened.  Like how I will still allow someone in my bubble when I don't want them there.  Even if it is just for a short moment.

Sadly, this guy had potential but this morning he just screwed up and I am happy I am not interested in making it okay with him.

Last night I went to see some bands play at a local venue.  I'd been looking forward to this for several weeks.  It was going to be a girls night out.  My girl friend has this awful relationship with her boyfriend that has some echos of my relationship with John.  It has really helped me to process my experience with him.  To keep myself honest about what life was like with him.  Not what I'd built the relationship on, the little crumbs he gave me to keep me building my hopes on.

Anyway, they break up, get back together.  They ride that circle of honeymoon period, trigger into argument, break up, reconcile, honeymoon period... It's dizzying.

Well, they rode it last night, leaving me behind in the club, thankfully with some decent people in a little sectional couch thing with a table.  For a while it was pleasant to just relax and listen to the two bands I was able to see.  The third I missed, mainly because of a little aggressive Gimli type man that had no respect for my personal boundaries.  He actually Blew In My ear at one point.  Is that a generational pick up thing?  Blow in a chicks ear, she can't resist it?  John did that sometimes and I found it really...not a turn on. *laughing  The dwarf kept wanting me to dance.  After the ear blowing incident I put my finger in his face and said No, very firmly.  Do. Not. Do. That. Again.  Alcohol makes men really obnoxious.

So my night was...disappointing.

I left.  Gimli walked me to my car and didn't touch me.  This is good.  I think I would have happily punched him in the balls if he had.
I stopped by my girlfriends house to get my purse.  I'd taken only my ID, some cash, a lipbalm, and my keys.  Her house was locked but her son was awake and I knocked on his window.
He let me in, she was upstairs arguing with her boyfriend.  I headed home.  I was absolutely relieved to walk into my apartment.

This morning as I was waking up Don messaged me good morning.  He wanted to spend the day with me at his place.

I said I needed a day to process last nights bs and how I was feeling.  He messaged me he was worried I was going to process him out.

OMG.
Well, now that you mention it...
I told him I didn't even know how to respond to that and I have ignored his messages since.

I need some space.  I like my space.  And someone like him is making me cherish it.

I believe what I want for my life is someone I want to invite in, that wants to invite me in.  That I fall in love with as I get to know him.  That I want to be physically close to.

I am not going to want someone as a result of them wanting me.  And I am NOT going to make him feel okay about his feelings, his insecurities, and his neediness while I am trying to figure out my own feelings and impressions.

Basically.  He used a bright yellow highlighter on the details of our interactions (my least favorite color of the highlighters) to let me know he is not the guy for me.

I am seriously considering going back to my quiet life and being single, no dating site because frankly, it's lame.

It's not that I can't field the guys that just want to get my number to get me to sext them.  Or the guy that messages me and is fun and interesting and then disappears, only to reappear and want to get my cell # or go out because some other girl he met ended up being crazy or nothing like her profile picture.  Or the guys like Don, that after the initial meet and greet basically want to marry me.

Life is a wonderful complexity.  I am looking for something else.  That person I meet because I chose, on a whim, to go to a certain place, at a certain time and it just progresses easily from there.  Nothing desperate, or hurried, or forced.