More On Online Dating

Dates Two/three and Four...
My second meet and greet...
Don.
He's a freakish 6'7"... I have never met someone so tall.  The Geek in me thinks, at Halloween he can be Chewbacca and I can be Princess Leia.
We were exceptionally brave in a choice of place for a first meeting.  A Pho restaurant over noodles.  We had a great time.
So great we decided to meet later the same day for dinner as well.  Salad.  Then we took a walk to Target hoping for some single serve ice cream.
Hope lost.

At dinner I started to get the impression he's On.  Like turned On.  Like baseball stadium lights.  The joking, the innuendo's, the prankster.  I was already tired and I found he was wearing me out more.  He was funny, engaging, but...On.  I wondered what he'd be like if he Turned Down.

His pranking ways are, well, damn, cable-worthy.  I found myself wondering if he was maybe, possibly sophomoric in the extreme or if he was just into meeting me and having fun telling stories.  He'd told a story about how he'd made a rainbow bumper sticker that said, Honk!  I just came Out!  He'd put very low on his bosses bumper.  His boss found it multiple honks and three days later.

At the end of our two date day he didn't try to kiss me.  I am glad, I am not ready.  I am interested in another date, but not ready for that.  I sort of wonder if that in itself is telling.

Friendly good morning, again, On.  I think he said, 'Good morning, your late! Get going.'
What the hell?

Then he messaged later, Are you busy at work today?  I let him know I was done for the day after we'd been messaging back and forth while I was torturing myself at the Mall.  I thought maybe I'd get a cute top.  It is pathetic what is offered at the Mall.  I won't go again for another six years.  I let him know that, we LOL'd, and I said I needed to go home and shower off the mall.  He asked if I was busy and I said I had plans.

He said, Oh :(

Then he sent me a big message saying he'd deleted his online dating account, not just because of me but because he'd done it for a while and would like to focus on getting to know me.

I took some time to respond.  Before I did he sent another message, :) hi :)

I get it, being vulnerable really sucks, and getting something back helps alleviate that fear and insecurity.

I can't promise that and after one date it is unfair of him to expect me to.  We already went over each others histories a bit. 

I let him know,
I understand how you feel and you have every right to close your online account if that is what you want.  You've been at this off and on for a while.  However, you know I haven't ever really dated and while I hope to find something long term eventually you need to understand I need this experience right now.  I am looking for a relationship to come together easily, unforced.  I do want to see you again, but if my dating other people, and I plan to, bothers you I get that and I understand if it is something you don't want to deal with.

He said he understood and that he finds dating multiple people distracting. As though I should suddenly get his feelings and feel the same way.  I don't.

My thought, okay, great for you.  I don't have that problem and I am looking for that 'distraction' right now.

I told him, again, in different words that I am not ready to go all in after one date but that I was curious about the other facets of his personality.

Then...I think he was trying to play it cool.

Then he said, I don't to want to know about your other dates. 
Okay, I get that (as if I was going to give you a play by play)

Then he messaged me, Is it awful I want your date to be lame?

I LOL'd and said no.  Then I let him know he needed to understand he should not assume that just because I am not available doesn't mean I am on a date.  Sometimes I am not available to date because of plans with friends/family, work, or just wanting time to myself. (I am finding I really like my space, and why wouldn't I?) 
I give the same in return.
And particularly in this case, because this seems to have become complicated, fast, and excuse me back the fuck off, and do you Really not get it?

I said, what if I am at my knitting circle or playing Dungeons and Dragons and you're there wasting your time worrying about something that isn't?

After One day.  That's just...IDK, I can't figure it out.  Needy?  Too fast? Controlling?!!?

Okay, so it's his process but he'd better stop thinking about himself, how he feels, what he wants, what he needs...if I am what he thinks he likes he better pay attention because I am not going to coach him on how to be in my life. Or babysit his fragile feelings.  I am fair and I am honest and I am compassionate but don't require that of me.

I am fair and honest in my intentions.



So, I actually did have a date.  With a Portuguese Cowboy.  Not my knitting circle (I don't know how to knit, I don't knit) and not with my D&D group of Geeks, but I would if I had one.  The Cowboy is a foreman for a dairy.  He drove and Hour to meet me.  I was thinking, I have never met a Portuguese Cowboy this should be interesting.  And it was.  And that was all.

He's a Cowboy.  He's nice, a speed talker, has country song drama, and is so polar opposite from me I let him know right away we wouldn't have a date again.  He appreciated it as he is a blunt person as well (I am only in practice though) and we then proceeded to have a great time.

When it was over I was ready to go and that was it.  I messaged Don.  Then thought maybe I should call, just make sure he understood what I had messaged and respected my choices and needs and that if that wasn't cool with him we could wish each other well.  He pushed me to voicemail.

I figured, okay, that's it.  Probably for the best.  Then he messaged me a bit later and let me know he was with family having dinner and he'd get back to me.

He did.  He was cooooooool.  Nice, normal...cooooooool.  He said, Oh yeah, I get it LOL I'm looking forward to getting to know yo still, I'm glad you are too.  I understand your choice, I just find it distracting to mulit-date, blah blah blah.  Well, I'm going to let you let go so we can get some sleep...playing it cooooool.  What does tomorrow look like, are you available?  Cooooool, I'll message you tomorrow.  Goodnight.

Bullshit

A tale of his prankster game:, when he wasn't into some girl that kept on and on messaging him, he messed with her.  I mean he so he fucked with her.  I am saying it that way because that is Exactly what he did.

He started to play it off that he was Big Black man instead of the tall white guy he'd made his profile out to be because it was hard for him to find petite white women to date, and he's always had a problem dating small white women because they worried about being intimate with him.  She followed along...kind of flirty (his story and it's believable, I have heard stories from men and women about online dating).  He offered to send her a pic.  He said while messaging her he was searching for pictures of large African American penis.  The first picture she still played along.  The second he never heard from her again.

Mission accomplished.

Coooooool.

I think he doesn't realize that I [am] interested in getting to know him.  That he's a top contender.  Attractive to me (and I am surprised by it), funny, easy to be around...until today. 

I don't like having to coach someone on how to be in my life, particularly Right Away.  Worry about who you are to me, not who else I might date.  That's how you'll make me fall for you.  Or if my dating other people bothers you, after we've only known each other for one day, no harm no foul.

As I walked back to my bedroom to get ready for bed I had a realization, quickly, just seconds after talking to his coooooool self and after talking to him off and on all day today.


He really doesn't get me, he just decided to Claim me.

I think he's being cooooooool.  I think he is going to spend more time and energy trying to get prank-like revenge than focus on actually listening to what I have said and hearing that I [am] interested in getting to know him.

He's a fool.

Sadly, since I haven't gotten that chance I am totally not invested in him.  When he'd put my call to voicemail I thought, 'Oh well, the Universe and God have taken that one out of the picture.  I'm good with that.'

I'd told him about the Portuguese Cowboy date because he'd asked if my date was over.  I said yes!  For a while now.  He was surprised I was home.  I explained I didn't think it was going to be any thing anyway.  He said Why did you go on the date then?  I explained my POV was this; I have never met a Portuguese Cowboy before. 

I'm sure in his self absorbed version of our getting to know each other I just went out with the guy, and not appreciate that he, Don, is focusing on getting to know me, to just get a free drink and dinner.

I paid for the meeting.  The Cowboy got up to use the restroom and I paid for our drinks and appetizer. 
He drove an Hour, in a gas guzzling Duelie (big truck for hauling horse trailers) after a long day.  Of course I treated him.  To his Horror.  He said a woman had never paid for him before. He didn't like it but he was gracious and a gentleman about it.

No one has to agree with my choice, in particular Don (not a fan of his name btw).  I have been honest and forthright to the point of being blunt regarding my intentions so there is No misunderstanding.

I think Don fucked himself in regard to me.


I am not out to limit myself.  I am out to test myself.  Put myself out there, see if my boundaries are good and learn from my mistakes.  To meet people, take a chance on someone I might not consider otherwise (Like Don) and maybe surprised or meet a man I end up having a happy life with. 

I think talking this out with Don more than one time was a mistake.  I think seeing him again would be a mistake.  I'll think about it a bit more and decide how to respond to these feelings tomorrow.

One day, two 'dates', what the hell is wrong with men?  He's the second one to decided that's it, she's the one! 

Like John, wanted me but didn't want to treat me the way I deserved to be treated (I mean this in the purest sense of truth).

My feelings for him changed me.  His lack of ability crushed me, I set myself up for that.  But my feelings for him and our life together and his death changed me.

Don placed himself in a very bad position.  I doubt he'll see it that way though.