A Little Bit of Everything

I had my first girl friend overnight trip to the coast last Friday night.  We had a great dinner at the Monterey Fish House.  Horrible drinks at the Mucky Duck in down town Monterey.  The crowd was very ecclectic and there was a beautiful man at the bar I am grateful my back was to him.  We stayed over night in Asilomar.  There are amazing accommodations there at great prices considering you can take a short walk to the beach.  It's not crowded and te he sand is clean and white and smooth.  This is not overly common for Central California beaches.  A side note: Northern California beaches have black sand.  Growing up in Southern California I was used to soft white sand beaches that would get so hot in summer the sand would make a zipper sound when you'd walk on it and it could get hot enough to blister the bottom of your feet.

On Saturday we checked out some great thrift shops in Pacific Grove, then spent a few hours in Capitola, about a 45+ minute drive away from Pacific Grove. 

Friday I let John's ashes go.  My friend was there so I I didn't say what I would have liked to say.  I was stilted and awkward.  I'd been thinking them in a very clear way for days though, and I said what was most important.

You see, John always...every time we went to Monterey, he'd say he wanted to jump into the dark black water of the bay our favorite hotel was built over.  There and the pier of Fisherman's Warf.  I didn't feel the intimacy of the moment would translate at the Warf.  Our hotel was where he'd seem so clear in his intent he'd nearly climb  the railing of the balcony.  I opened the small container and let him drift down onto the the seaweed floating and the water gently surging below.  While the water birds watched, a few flying low over the water, their wings slapping the water.  I said, "You always wanted to jump off here...now you have."

I haven't had a very clear reaction to this moment.  I'm honestly not sure I will.  This moment has been a long time in my thoughts.  This moment was waited for, and couldn't be waited for any longer.  There is closure.  Closure in the sense that I've let go of a physical part of him I was holding onto.  I think my regret is that the moment wasn't as private or moving as perhaps it could have been.  But then, neither was our relationship.  I think maybe he's glad, if he has any knowledge of that moment of my letting go of my possession of him.  I think it might have bothered him.  Yet, he could be sentimental so I can't really know.

Shopping in Pacific Grove I bought a really lovely white skirt, very feminine.  I bought a framed print.  I very much wanted two others but didn't want to spend $50.  A man walked by a patio where my friend and I were taking a break over a beer and some chips and salsa, bag in arm, my lovely prints back to back over the top of the bag...they were not meant to be mine.

I'd lost my bank card Friday.  The last I remember using it was earlier in the day filling up my gas tank.  It's a good thing my friend was okay to cover the little things.  I wrote her a check.  Friday night I'd called in my card to close it down and order a new one.  Target Red Debit card and the bank are my only access points to funds and necessities.  No fraud.  I am grateful.


My life is quiet.  Peaceful.  My sons are away for the first time ever until August 1st.  It will be a month they've been away.  Before this the longest they've been gone from me was the week in December.  I've spent most of my time at home.  I have really enjoyed just having the space.  I cleaned the first week.  It's stayed clean.  It's nice!  I do miss them so much, but I am trying to appreciate this alone time.

My friends boyfriend asked me, "Your sons are gone for a month and you aren't living it up and partying?"

Should I be?  I suppose I could go out, live it up, hook up...that's just not what I want.  I miss intimacy, and companionship, but not enough to go fishing for it.  Sometimes I think I am ready to start dating, but where does one start?  I could start online...but...I'm not sure I am prepared or equipped to tolerate the creepy guy factor.  I'm concerned those guys would overwhelm my experience and sour it.  I'm not into going to bars and when I do I tend to focus on my friends and not any guy that might be there.

That doesn't matter anyway as I am not approached anyway so it is getting easier to feel relaxed internally in those environments.  I still feel like something makes me invisible to men's interest.

I am cute by the way.  I have a male friend he said I am stunningly beautiful.  He lives in Iowa, so his opinion might be skewed.   I've been working on the eye contact thing.  Smiling.  I'm not very good at it.  I'm not the 'look at the floor' type, but I do tend to let my eyes drift past a person.

I wish I'd smiled a bit more obviously at a fireman shopping at the grocery store yesterday.  I was with my friend/client CarolAnne.  I didn't have it in me today, which really sucks because I find myself wishing I hadn't been so deep down irritable at the time.  My emotions were like static.  Every irritating person in the city was driving today.  I am not being a judgy bitch.  These people were randomly braking, swerving, slow, or cutting me off.  Looking at their cell phones.  In the grocery store CarolAnne was rather frustrating to shop with today, probably because I was already tense and had my own errands to tend to today.

I am not hormonal.  I think I'm just tense.  Probably from lack of sex!  I miss that mellow, easy feeling deep down.  That light and generally positive feeling I have when I get to have sex, at all!

Oh well.  It's not worth some random, indiscriminate encounter to gain a little post sex smile on my face.

I'm concerned, to be honest.  Concerned over what little ghosts will appear if I do find myself spending time with a man I begin to like.  How much damage did John do?  How deep are the scars? 

This is the first time in my life I am taking time for myself.  I'm sure that my uncertainty is telling.  I'm just not ready.

But I do wish I'd held that fireman's attention longer, smiled slowly at him.  Instead I turned my focus back to CarolAnne.

The other night I was in the place, between sleep and dreaming.  It felt as though someone was laying on top of me, kissing my neck.  I could feel the weight and detail of his body.  I swear I was responding as though it was real.  It felt so, so real.  It lasted a few minutes, then I suppose I fell asleep.  I think I was trying too hard to capture that moment, to feel it more, to extend it out and make it last...

I'm afraid to date.  Not just because I worry about my little ghosts appearing but because two of my friends are having a horrible time with the men in their lives.  One has so many echos of John it actually helps me to process my relationship with him.  The other...well, I have to say.  I am finding myself disillusioned.  She was one of three people I felt the Universe was finally giving back to.  The only female of the three.  Her marriage is over and in a terrible way.  A way that will cause her to not trust herself.  She had every right to believe her life was beautiful.  It was, until she found out two months ago her husband has been, and was long before her, a man with some deep issues.  Everyone loved him.  She'd been guarded, her children also took a long time to let him in.  I think he believed he could manage his life on many different levels and continue as such.  It's a terrible, terrible thing that has happened to her.  After all she's been through...

Her situation raises my fears to the surface.  My feeling of readiness to open myself up again to anything again is now put aside again.  It seems too much a risk to take.