The Touching Barrier

I'm not sure how to start this, but it's been on my mind. 

After John died I didn't want to be touched.  I had a hard time even being touched by my sons for a goodnight hug.  I remember before he died, there was a time when he and I weren't together, the boys and I would sit on the couch every night.  I'd be in the middle and they'd be cuddled in next to me.  We'd watch a movie and I'd fall asleep sandwiched in-between them.  It was the best feeling in the world.

That time has passed, thankfully.  My sons and I say good morning, and goodnight.  We hug.  We Touch.  My son freaked me out the other day swirling his fingers on top of my head.  It felt like something, like a tarantula, had landed on top of my head.

The best feeling in the world, in its own weird and terrific way.


As I have begun to move into the world of 'dating' I do not encourage touching, even if I am in a place where I crave touch intensely.  

My observation of touch in dating...

I went out on a handful of dates with a man named Don.  After the fourth date, being walked to my car, I was asked for a kiss.  I kissed him.  ... Nothing.  We saw each other again once more. 

The touching barrier had been breached.  On this last date he touched and touched and touched.  He wanted to kiss me over and over.  His rhythm was out of synch with mine, the kiss was nice because touch was nice.  His touch was nice, because being touched was nice.  I didn't really want his touch though. 

When I wanted a day to myself he felt threatened and worried I was cutting him off.  I'd been on the fence.  He made me laugh, he's cute, he's super tall (6'7"), he's nice. 

I'd have still seen him if he'd replied well.  Instead of understanding, instead of saying he understood he worried about himself.  If only he'd said, 'If you change your mind, I'm here' I'd have probably had a cup of coffee, showered and called him.  Instead I moved on.

I've been on a few dates.  I have met some really nice men.  Respectful, considerate, attractive (for who they are).  But no chemistry.  It's interesting though.  I have found that men, if they feel chemistry, think only of how they feel.  Assume it is mutual.  It's like they get blinded to the other person projecting their own thoughts, feelings, wants, desires onto that other person. 

I met a man named Edward.  Adorable, kind, excellent father and hard working man.  He felt a connection, I didn't.  He's respecting me, I appreciate his doing so.  Also, he lives several hours away.

I met another man, Matt.  He's shorter than I am.  I do have a hang up about this and I have often tried to work past it.  He's also a great guy.  Hard working, driven, caring father, considerate.  He's respected my boundaries better than any other man I have met.  He backs off just enough when he understands he's pushed too much.  We like a lot of the same things, we talk easily.  At least we did.

The touching barrier was broken one night.  I went out with him.  He dj's at a few clubs in town as a hobby/second job/he's been doing it forever.  He's quite good.  A guy he co-dj's with took over for a bit.  We sat on a lounge together and talked a little.  He touched my knee with the knuckle of his index finger.  A slight stroke.  He touched me at a time when I was craving touch. 

I can't describe what it is like to be celibate for a long time.  I am nearly going on two years.
There are times sex, desire, want...they don't register.  Then other times, the feeling inside is so intense.  On the outside I cloak myself with normalcy, but inside is something completely different.

That touch was distilled sensation.  It was more than touch.  I could feel him next to me, half a foot apart and I could feel him, smell him.  I was hyper aware.  I didn't want him, but I did.  I feel almost no chemistry with him other than friendship, but this night...different.

The night ended and he walked me to my car.  We kissed.  Nothing awkward.  It was just nice.  Outside of my intense internal sensation the kiss was just nice.  Polite even.

A few days later we met for a glass of wine.  The touching barrier broken he touched me a lot.  My back.  We were sitting next to each other in a small restaurant/bar.  He touched my knees and below my knees as we talked.  It felt wonderful.  I could have closed my eyes and just felt it.  Later that night, after spending time with my friends I stopped by his house.  We talked out front.  He kissed me at my car.  I pushed for more of a kiss.  Deeper, I wanted more...

It just didn't come together and I was okay with that.  It felt good, but missed the mark. 

Since the kiss...well, of course his course has made a slight but significant change of direction.  He doesn't expect, but wants to be, more. 

I don't. I like him, but enough to move forward as anything more than friends? No.  I didn't rush in, and I was interested in him but there are too many little things that don't come together for me.

The touching barrier changes everything.

Such a little thing as holding hands, a polite kiss.  I want more, but it isn't there.  I'm not interested in settling and it seems like things unseen move themselves into place to surround me and block me from things I want but people that are not the right fit.

It's not frustrating, which surprises me.  I know it is naive to put out there, but I hope I can maintain a friendship with Matt.  I am hoping his circumstances (some details I am not putting here) will allow it.  I think his interest in me is as much an escape as it is to some extent genuine.