Doing It

Frustrating.  My mind is on all the time.  I sit down to write and I short out.

I'm craving touch.  Sometimes it is sexsexsex... most of the time it is just intimacy.  I'm sure if I started with that it would certainly end up with sex.

My friend and I were talking about kissing.  It's been on my mind!  We both agreed it was so much more fun being young.  Kissing and anticipation was where it was at.  Yes, sex happened, but not the same way things progress the older you get.  I was a little wild when I was young, not as much as some.  I was more of a loner.  I liked going places alone.  I liked spending time with myself.  I'd like to think I was less obvious, but I probably wasn't. My doing things alone meant I experienced moments in life groups of girls do not.  I'm not just talking about sex here btw.  I just wasn't needy.  I didn't need my girlfriend to walk to water with me, walk the boardwalk, walk to the bathroom.  I liked being alone.  I liked hanging out, but I didn't need the crutch.

I could, at this moment, have all the intimacy and/or sex I want if I'd stayed the course with Steve.  However, I have this problem with my own version of high standards and I can't get past those boundaries.  He wasn't enough for me. I shut down completely with him.  WTH.  Wouldn't it be more convenient if I could just... go there?

 A small part of me entertained for a moment messaging him, then as I considered it, my stomach let me know how revolting an idea that was.

Part of me finds that to be a good thing.  The Fury in me finds it completely annoying.  Fury wants me to get my groove on.  So do I... just not with a guy like that.  But why not?

I can't really put my finger on it.  He was sloppy, though, I find some sloppy guys delicious.  Maybe not sloppy.  He was moody.  Again, moody isn't all bad either.  He tried to figure out what I liked, what I wanted, and wanted me to have it.  That's sexy as hell ... unless you're a guy that comes off  Needy, whiny, transparent, and sloppy.

Poor Steve.  I guess I will amend my boundaries to not considering a guy named Steve.  I married one.  Ugh.  I'll say it. They had the same personality!  Total turn off.  Controlling and Needy.  Yuck.

I'm very eclectic in my taste in men.  I'm not into one kind of guy.  I like tall men.  6' or more.  It's just how I am made.  My ex was 5'7" maybe.  It was always an internal struggle for me.  I tried too.  To overcome it.  I couldn't.

Race/color has never been an issue for me.  I typically like men with dark hair... however my longest running crush from elementary through high school was on a boy named David and he was blond.  I've been attracted to blonds (Southern California bleach blond was what I loved growing up), dark hair, red hair.  I typically do not like boyish looking men.  I like Men.  I'm fine with facial hair, I'm fine if he's clean shaved.  I like 5 0'clock shadow.  I love a man with a great haircut.  Short, mid-length, long doesn't matter really ... but a great haircut is just sexy on a man. 
I like a man that can clean up, but jeans and tee-shirt is super attractive too. 
Jean shorts on men... seriously?  No. Only women, and only cut offs.  ha

When I'm attracted to a man I love the way he smells.  Not like when I have a client come in and he's wearing a terrific cologne or his hair gel smells great... I mean that subtle individual scent.  I like the salty smell of a man after sports.  John had that.  He Had that.  He tasted amazing too.  His skin.  My ex was absolutely disgusting, on the flip side.  He was like an unbathed for months on end homeless person.  Probably because he never washed his gear and probably because I was never actually attracted to him in any way at all. 

I am completely shut down if I am not attracted to someone.  If I am attracted though, it's sublime.

Sex is a wonderful gift, it can be.

Sadly, I won't be having it for a while.  I haven't had it for a while.  I am having a problem seeing myself ever having it again! 

I have to be attracted to a man to have sex with him.  I tried the 'John' way.  Distraction with someone else from pain.  It is NOT me.

I'm in this holding pattern.  Grateful and resentful all at once.

Even when I see a man I'm attracted to I'll find myself looking past him, avoiding that opening glance or return eye contact.

Out of the corner of my eye I'll look, I'll stare as though slightly open mouthed and nearly panting with craving taking over my body and soul... but its secreted inside and this wall, this bubble reflects disinterest.
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I want to be bold.  I want to touch.  I want...

But if I do I'll end up on the same path I've been on before.

I guess I'd rather anticipate, need, and desire some nameless unknown than actually go there right now.

I worry too... I worry Fury (you know, that other visceral me) will just take over some impulsive day and I'll end up tumbling down the rabbit hole of sensation.

Then what?

I want to be selective.  I don't want to take what might be offered just because I am hungry.  I want something more for myself now.