I remember the very best kiss of my life to this day. A boy named Jim. Blond, tan, Southern California boy. We kissed on the stairs of an apartment building from abut 10pm until dawn. We kissed and came away covered in morning dew as the sun began to rise. I have Never forgotten that kiss. Long, slow, full.
I think I have compared every kiss to that one. It's not really fair to every other person I have Ever kissed since (or before). We set the bar very high.
I could do that. I could kiss someone until they thought they'd die until they had to have more but felt so lost in me they didn't know what more could possibly be. I put myself in the kiss. The soft demand and promise. The yielding and the conquering. The siren calling softly. I could breath another's breath until their breath stilled. My body humming, vibrating, pulsing until the other's matches mine. I could kiss like that until sleep took us or the sun separated us or one of us just expires.
The kiss. It is said women will decide whether or not to stay with a man after kissing him.
The second very best kiss was at a rave, before they were called raves. An empty warehouse somewhere in Southern California. Nick. Blond, tan, Southern California semi-pro/pro skater. We kissed in the middle of darkness and kept on kissing until a spotlight was shined on us. He was like me. He could kiss and be satisfied with nothing more. And then he wanted more and everything got complicated. I wonder about him, often. Where did he land?
I find most men are too eager when they kiss. Tongues too probing, as though deeper in my mouth the better and as soon as possible.
Ohhh no. It takes an elegant intuition to know when to deepen a kiss, or harden a kiss, or soften a kiss. It lets a woman if you can make love as well as fuck ... not just rut and leave her wanting.
I have been talking to someone. He says things I'm not used to hearing. Backs them up with behavior. Thinks about what I've said and later initiates another conversation. I really like this about him. It is one of the things I find most attractive about him. We can burn hours talking and being in each others company.
It has been a long time since I have had the pleasure of experiencing conversation and growing interest and attraction.
I haven't forgotten, anything. I can't.
I went to the wine thing. It was crowded this year and we made slow progress. We ended up stationing ourselves at a sushi bar having Saki and a snack.
We had a good boundary of 9:30. His daughter and my sons. We talked, it's something we are establishing. He's a gentleman. Not just with me, not just for show. I'm paying attention.
He kissed me at my door. Honestly I wish he'd kissed me in his car, but again, it was a good boundary. Things don't need to go so far. But it was a good kiss. I think he was nervous, pushed it a bit. I helped him ease off. When I controlled the kiss it was sublime.
I'm curious. I'm a little worried I'll end up hurting him. Inside I want curiosity satisfied with little thought of anything else. I can see him feeling more for me than I feel for him. Only by a fraction, but maybe that would be best. For him to care more and me to care less. My nature isn't to be cruel and I believe when the man loves less cruelty is inevitable.
Of course I know cruel women, but I'm only mentioning that as a concession. I'm thinking in regard to my loving less and how I perceive that playing out. I have never been the one that loved less. My marriage doesn't count, honestly because I think there wasn't love at all. I think there was perception and expectation but no real affection.
I am referring to a loving and caring relationship. I'm feeling it might be better if the man loves the woman more than the woman loves the man.
I could fall in love with him. Really I have no idea what will happen tomorrow.
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