Honey

He loves me, He loves me not.  When I was a little girl I used to go through flower after flower after flower pulling petals laying in the grass in the shade of a tree with the heavy scent of dandelions and Alyssum in the heat of a summer afternoon.

Memories like that help me remember how simple life can be. 

Over the last week, finding myself back in this quiet place of getting by, I've been thinking. 

I'm too genuine.  I'm too open.  I'm too nice. 
John used to be frustrated by me, by his own personal demons.  Over the last five months I thought I'd learned so much, changed so much, grown so much, begun to understand so much.  Then time after time I'm shown I know so little.  Each time I feel I can appreciate better some aspect of all the demons I'd met that were John's.

I have met the most unsavory people.  I thought being born to toxic dysfunctional people was bad enough.  One would think I'd be jaded, narcissistic... oh, hmmmm my Mother.  Am I so opposed to being like my family that I have compartmentalized any protective instincts so deeply I have created a pathologically naive idiot?

Okay, so I very gently let 'S' know he wasn't the guy for me.  I'm disappointed in him, he turned out exactly as my instincts were telling me he would.  My instincts are speaking up more and more, and I am listening to them.  I'm also practicing being more direct and deflecting what I don't think is another persons business.  What's crazy is I'm being given ample opportunity to see how scummy people can be.  Why?  Is it practice?  To learn to better differentiate?  Suppose I just swing the other way?  What if I just become fully jaded and suspicious?
I'm working on balance and trying to pay attention.  Sometimes I am proud of myself, other times I find it incredibly difficult and feel disappointed in myself. 

I'm trying to remember certain aspects of John's personality.  I'm trying to remember things he said to me.  I am also listening to what people say, how they say it.

I always worked so hard to be close to my family.  I always tried to be a good friend.  I tried to be a good wife, a good mother, a good Christian.  I placed my trust in others and time over time I've been manipulated, let down, betrayed, abandoned.  I'm trying to face the truth of that.  I am working on looking at things differently.  I used to take responsibility.  All of it.  That wasn't healthy at all.  My perspective was skewed.  I set myself up because I refused to see it wasn't anyone persons job to respect my love and trust and effort. I chose poorly.  Now...

If I trust no one else I'd like to be able to trust myself.