True to Myself

Being true myself is difficult for me.  Unless I am pressed into a corner it has been common for me to put aside my needs and expectations.  I'm not sure why. If pressed I am immovable and stand up for myself.  Why not in such important decisions as dating and personal boundaries?

I understand and respect others having boundaries, expectations, wants, needs, and voicing them.  This is something in particular I have wanted to make sure I do in this new life I am beginning.  I do not want to loose another decade, or moment, on something that isn't working.  I do not want to force something that wasn't meant to happen, or taking a situation far past its expiration.

I started to feel like this very nice guy and I went from the very early stages of getting to know each other and hanging out, to full on relationship in just a few days. 

The realization was vibrating through me demanding I pay attention.  I was fighting with myself... seeing a really nice man that likes me for me (as far as he knows) and attracted to me, and considerate, and clear in his intentions, and drama free.  We like many of the same things, want the same things out of life, get along... he's attractive... stable...
I couldn't understand why I was feeling uncomfortable with his showing me a desire for intimacy.  I don't mean sex.  I mean hand holding, affection.  Like buying me flowers when we went to the store to pick something up.  Like doing the heavy lifting.  Damn it, I like to do some things on my own...

Well, I told him.  I'm amazed I took the initiative.  I was dreading it, but I was dreading even more Not being honest and settling and allowing more than I can handle.  I was dreading seeing and letting things progress so quickly.

And he apologized for making me uncomfortable, for moving too fast for me.  I explained to him how I like him so far, but really don't know him yet and that things were feeling like they were moving into a relationship territory and it was making me uncomfortable.  I told him it's happened before and I want to take time and not be in instant relationship.  What if we get two months down the line, two years down the line, a decade, and find it's never really been working? 

I want to remember to take risks, to live life.  But not in five 'dates' with the first guy I meet.  No matter how great he is.  I don't want to force anything.  I don't want anything forced on me.  I don't want things to progress too quickly.  I have so much to to move forward from.

I found myself looking at him and deconstructing my attraction to him, probably because I wasn't listening when inside I was trying to tell myself, too much, too fast!  I find myself not being attracted to him 'that way', and yet felt like it was becoming a 'relationship'.  Intense.  Scary.

The first time we spent time alone on a walk, talking for the first time, I felt like it was going that way.

I feel better for telling him.  I'm setting boundaries that are best for me.  He likes me.  I can decide.  I know I'm not ready for more than 'getting to know you' and maybe, it's not for me.  Of course I worried, am I sabotaging myself?  Do I want a nice guy, but not really?  Am I that screwed up?  Or is he a great guy, but not The Nice Guy for me?  I don't have a clue really, after such short time.  What I do know is things were happening fast, but inside I was retreating.

I think someday I'll be ready for more, maybe with him... maybe not.  I know there are great men out there and I know as I go forward in my life and focus on what I want in general, things will come together.

I'm just proud of myself.  For me, this was an overcoming.  I am sure I will face it again.  I hope it becomes easier and easier to be the one that decides for me, not circumstances swallowing me up and becoming my life.