Shaken, Not Stirred

Either way I'm all mixed up.

When I sit back and think about it I realize I am being protected and I am being schooled.

Lessons are often not fun.  In particular, lessons involving self change.  The results can be useful.

I'm learning a lot about myself. 

Last weekend I had a birthday.  Not a very good one.  I am moving forward though, thank God.

Outside of my finances being frustratingly day to day I am content.

However... I'm craving intimacy, still.  It's been about six months, outside of that kiss experiment in early May.  Disappointing.

I am craving, but I am not looking.  The sensation is uncomfortable.  Last night I woke up at 2am.  Restless.  My back was itchy from my tattoo healing.  Nothing I couldn't handle, but, it was an added distraction.  I needed touch, release.  I got up, took aspirin, drank water, laid myself down.  Restless.  It's strange, as much as I crave intimacy, touch... when I am alone late at night awake masturbation is not easy.  My mind just won't connect with my body.  It's like... I want to say an itch I can't scratch, but that isn't it.  It's like waking up from a dream but not being able to remember it while the sensation of the dream is still there, but quickly fading.  It takes Work.  I often find my masturbatory thoughts interesting.  This time I found myself picturing myself and my sons at a house of someone I know only a little.  We were having a backyard pool bbq.  I was in my bathing suit, the kids in the pool.  I felt the sun on my skin, heard the noise of splashing and talking diffused in the yard.  I pictured him inside masturbating while thinking of me.  See?  So complex!  Then the yard became John's yard, the pool his pool, I'm in the sun alone on the pool deck and I can picture John with the sun in his hair, on his skin.  This feeling wells up, and not the feeling of climax.  I stop what I'm doing for a moment... then I embrace thinking about him.  I climax.  And get buried in loss and cry.  Then I sleep.  It's after four and my alarm is set for 5:15. 

I dream a nothing kind of dream.  My alarm sounds and hit snooze.  I lay in bed until 5:35.  I take a long shower, slowly trying to shake off how tired I feel. 

And here I am... confessing some intensely personal moment to the quiet nothing.

What did I learn about myself.  I have no idea.