Deep Fried

A: the easy part:  Business plan that had me stressing is a Plan, not a move. That was just too much too soon.  I'm tired of change.  I'm relieved.  We have a goal in mind, we feel we'd be good business partners.  I just hope we can make it happen.  We both have a way to go though.  I'd prefer if we were both more than reasonably out of debt.  I have to begin collecting things I need to function in a professional capacity and that takes a back seat to my debt.  Actually, I don't even really care right now.  Figuring that shit out is now at the bottom of my priority list.

My 'bad decision' was my tattoo.  Instead of having sex with several men and using my grief as an excuse to go off the deep end I chose a tattoo... something I've wanted for a while based in subject matter I've liked since I was a girl. My point with that is this... it isn't just a random, 'I think I'll get a tattoo to mark this awful year of my life because I'm emotional'.  It's for me.  Sure it has meanings but really I just wanted it.  
It's gorgeous by the way.  It isn't finished, but it is lovely.  I love it more and more every day.  Japanese floral partial back piece.
I am putting myself into debt with this tattoo.  I chose it, I accepted it, I'm doing it, I'll pay for it. 

Yes, John is gone and even though the weekend really threw me off the delicate (false) sense of balance I was gaining I understand he's gone.  I understand I am moving forward even if I still cry every day and not just because of him.  Even if it is only that I am breathing and continuing to face each day and continue to take care of my sons and life as we know it.  I know I am picking up the pieces and starting over.  I know I have a lot to sort through.  I know I lack joy and happiness.  I know I'm going through the motions...

I know I am not ready for someone to come into my life and after this afternoon I don't know that I could no matter how badly I want someone to trust and RIGHT now, lean on.

I feel really alone. 

This afternoon, I now KNOW, not just guess, KNOW my youngest son is Bi-sexual.  I suspect he's gay but I accept his definition of himself. I totally support him in his sexual preference whatever it may be.  I don't believe love is relegated to color, sex, or even age.  In fact I'm relieved we talked about it and he knows I support him and I'm not disappointed or anything ridiculous like that. 

I'm afraid though.  Only a little more than if he were clearly straight.  I'm afraid for Both of my sons to suffer broken hearts.  I'm afraid of them being used, disregarded, disrespected, hurt. 

That isn't what has me freaked out.

What is just breaking me right now is the issue of porn in regard to my youngest son. 

Porn.  I believe porn corrupts real intimacy.  I know intimacy can be had without sex.  I am focusing on my sons future experiences with sex, intimacy, first love(s).  I am afraid his turn ons won't be from the heart, from his mind, from love.  I am afraid Porn will infect his expectations before he's even experienced real intimacy.  There is no innocent discovery through attraction, feeling, a mutual crush.  His exposure has now taken away from those moments and he now has these base images that are stripped of all real intimacy and are just in fact base acts of gratification as his teacher.

I'm not trying to be over protective crazy unrealistic Mom here either.  I get that porn is a turn on.  I would feel this way if my son was looking at straight porn.

I'm not stupid.  Gay, Straight, Bi, etc... everyone ends up with hang ups, their fucked up a little or a lot, they struggle.  There is always a down side.  Clearly I get that.  I'm living it and I have lived it.

I don't want my son to be in danger.  I don't want my son to have to have such a difficult road before him.  Is there more acceptance towards Gay-Bi-etc, yes.  But there are also crazy fucking assholes out there that are dangerous.  I can't protect my sons from heartbreak, how can I protect my youngest in particular from predatory people if he's already been exposed and desensitized to visual base sexual gratification when he's still forming up his sexual identity?

He's already being bullied for being different.  He's struggled with adhd and has struggled socially.  He's very intelligent but his behavior has set him apart. 


I'm overwhelmed by too many things at once.  I'm tired and I'm scared.

I hope I wake up tomorrow and find a little hope...