The Space You Occupied

I'm not doing well. This will not read well...
I sleep on my side of the bed.  I sleep in the slightly depressed spot John occupied.  When I moved in the mattress was turned, my spot-your space.  Last night I turned over, slipping one of my pillows in front of me, eyes closed.  I whispered, 'I want you to see you, I want you there when I open my eyes'
And you weren't there. 
'A' called to invite the boys and I for 4th block party.  I accepted.  I'm so fucking scared to go alone without you.  You and the boys were my life.  Your family and friends became my family and friends.  It was natural.  I was alone with my sons when I met you... I'm alone with my sons again. 
I've have a few friends this time, yes.  I'm tempted to just get in the car with the boys and drive out of town, drive away from this first 4th without you, without the given of spending it with your family.  Now that your ashes are cast so are those relationships.  Driving away from spending it with your friend and his family.  Running as fast I can away from what is past and such a painful present... I can't see this going well.  My anxiety is increasing. 

This morning I made coffee in a sunny kitchen and without warning or warm up I started to cry.  I left the kitchen.  I went back for a cup and started to cry again.  Sitting in bed watching tv, I find myself sobbing.  I felt like you were right there and I couldn't touch you.  I felt like I should be looking forward to things like I did just last year, and I can't, and my only response is this hollow sense of loss and fear of how do I get through this?

I see our life together played out.  What it was and wasn't, what it could have been.

I get mad at myself.  You're gone.  I think about all the little things I have done in the last six months.  Things that have made the space between then and now making me a different person. 

I said I would go.  'A', of all of your friends always made the boys and I feel welcome...

I told my oldest we were going.

Right now I am not so sure... I'm not sure I can handle it.