Forward

There are so many little things I could write out.  Intricacies.  I tried but felt I came short particularly because I haven't brought every experience or encounter here so it would seem a sudden revelation and without ongoing details... blunt and lacking?

I did go to 'As' 

It was painful just deciding to go.  I'm glad I did, but it was painful and awkward.  Then incredibly isolating.  My sons had fun.  They helped to set up, fire, and discard fireworks. 

When I arrived his wife and daughter were in the backyard with the grand kids.  His son inside with his girlfriend.  His wife and daughter were welcoming.  His son has always been sort of an asshole, his girlfriend not particularly different than her partner.  The other brother lives down south, the nice one like his sister.  I regretted his absence.  Typically their house is filled with people.  Yesterday it was just nuclear family which I think added to it being awkward.

My sons got in the pool, so did 'As' wife and I.  Then A showed up and joined us. We needed to cool off and it helped us to relax.  I was quietly questioning my wisdom in going.  Then we headed to the front yard for dinner and waiting for the dark and the fireworks.

'A' introduced me to everyone.  He was great.  He was a considerate host.

When we left I felt glad I went, and I was glad to head home.

Today I nursed emotional hang over.  Another first behind me.

When I finally got moving I turned my mattress.  Now I no longer sleep in the depression John made.  The bedding is fresh and clean.  The boys and I got out, if only to shop for groceries.  I plan to take them to the movie theater tomorrow or Sunday. 

Tomorrow night I will go see a band at that outdoor venue I'd mentioned before.  I've decided to stay friends with one of the two men we'd met that night.  She and I both talk to him.  He's nice, genuine.  The other one has so many red flags waving I have no interest in returning his passive aggressive text messages and I now feel totally fine with that.  He reflects so many of John's negative personality traits I almost feel like it is a test of some kind the universe has sent me.  Like some Dick & Jane test of 'Are You Paying Attention To Your Instincts?!!?'

Yes, yes I am.

I spent a few one on one moments with him, due to his annoying me to be completely honest.  I wanted to see if what I was seeing in him was something I could trust about myself.  I found him to be consistently passive aggressive, self involved, closed off, controlling, and strangely ... he used his dog to seem more, um, I don't know how to describe it.  More, 'See? I'm a good guy' kind of thing.  He spent a lot of time telling me how nice he is, how considerate.  However, when he had moments to be what he said he was the opposite.  He showed a petty childish jealous streak as well.

No.  Thank.  You.

Sometimes the things I encounter and have to face make me want to just stay indoors.

However, my response to this guy was to call my girlfriend and let her know we need 'Girl Time'.

I need to get out and meet more people, get out and live more.  Experience more.

Today was not the day.  Tonight was not the night.  I needed some down time to relax and recover.

Anyway... Goodnight.