Hush Little Baby, Don't Say A Word

Job 6:24

Teach me, and I will hold my tongue: and cause me to understand wherein I have erred.

Jam 3:6

And the tongue [is] a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our member, that it defileth the whole body, an setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.

Jam 3:8 But the tongue can no man tame; [it is] an unruly evil, full of deadly poison .

Please for give KJV

I should have gone with something more pleasant to read

However, I am too lazy to go back now and fix that

Please, please don't think I am Bible thumping.  These words often come back to me when I open my mouth and speak.

I'm being hard on myself.  I am.  However, there are many times I wish I had just waited. 

It seems to me tonight I forgot I'd resolved to listen and not speak. 

I haven't said anything that will set a fire, nothing poisonous.  I'm just disappointed I spoke.

Pro 17:28

Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: [and] he that shutteth his lips [is esteemed] a man of understanding.

I want to speak less and listen more.  Why?  It's because I don't want to be so open.  I have these unguarded moments where I am too open.  I share things better left unshared and I share myself in this hectic, disorganized manner.    I'm wondering if maybe this was another little lesson preparing me for a bigger thing? I'm horrified by that thought because at moments like this I'm disappointed in myself and feel I've learned nothing and opened my mouth and proved it.

What am I holding out for?  What am I trying to hold on to?  Some idea of the life I want?  Some idea of the woman I strive to be?  Some thing, some compass within guiding me?  According to who's will?  Nature?  Nurture?  My true self fighting for dominance over My outer socially influenced self?  I'm getting dizzy trying to put words on this suspicion of a feeling I feel growing in me.  Is it a perfected me or just some parasite sucking moments of my ever shortening life away?

I'm wondering if my 'process' is a complete waste of my time.

Process... this process I'm going through.  I feel like my heart is beating in a hollow space just a little bigger than my heart itself yet it echos back and forth to me and sounds like a hundred hearts in my chest.

I used to tell John all the time Life is so short. I spoke the truth, not realizing its impact and how near that future was.

I'm beginning to think I am making these frustrating mistakes because I am wasting my time and efforts on the wrong things.  These things being people, thoughts, activities...

But how do I arrive through that process, and where, when I am barely learning to put one foot in front of the other?

Is my arrival my end?

I don't want that inevitability... I want... I realize I may never get what I think I want.


Should I be less noble?  More so?  Should I stick to my (possibly misguided) path or live it up with no thought for tomorrow.  A point I think some might argue  look the same to them depending on the angle.

Or perhaps something greater is brewing, something world dominating which will make these girlish worries and wishes as pathetic as they seem in text on a blog.

Hush, little baby, don't say a word
Papa's going to buy you a mockingbird

If that mockingbird won't sing
Papa's going to buy you a diamond ring

If that diamond ring turns brass
Papa's going to buy you a looking glass

If that looking glass gets broke
Papa's going to buy you a billy goat

If that billy goat won't pull
Papa's going to buy you a cart and bull

If that cart and bull turn over
Papa's going to buy you a dog named Rover

If that dog named Rover won't bark
Papa's going to buy you a horse and cart

If that horse and cart fall down
You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town

Hush, little baby, don't say a word
Mama's going to buy you a mockingbird

If that mockingbird won't sing
Mama's going to buy you a diamond ring

So hush little baby, don't you cry
Your Mama loves you and so do I .