Anchor

Sand Dollar Beach, this last Thursday through Sunday, was beautiful.  John's riding the waves now, he's resting on the beach, he's floating in the crest and fall, and in the setting sun sparkling on the waves.  He's evaporating into the heat of the day from the sea spray of a wave brake on the sand.  He's in the wake of a surfers cutbacks... he's in a little container that proved to be superbly waterproof in the pocket of my cut off jean shorts while I was walking waist deep in the cool salty water, my feet sinking into the sand as the sand crabs scrambled to hide between my toes while I searched for sand dollars.

I'm still not sure how I feel having a bit of him in a little container... only S and I know.  He gave me what I asked, months after I asked it he remembered and gave it to me.  I can't describe how it feels to hold that little bit of him.  I can't imagine his reaction if he were here and knew and could tell me what he thought. 

He could be squeamish.  He could be, superstitious?  He was sentimental... but with cards, pictures, secrets.

I suppose I am too.  Sentimental, in my own way. 

I wanted to be on the beach as much as possible.  I managed that.  A few times drawn away reluctantly.  It was so difficult.  So many things are difficult with out him. I realize there were so many things we did together.  He made so many experiences possible.  Six months later I know I am changed, and yet I can't define it.  I still cry in quiet moments.

I'd managed to compartmentalize things though.  This weekend opened me up again.  J said it is clear I am raw.  I'd thought I had it hidden better.  I am though.  My capacity to filter things, particularly stress, emotion, the unexpected, is sadly lacking. 

Being with his family was an uneasy combination of familiar comfort and, and... I think an end to those relationships.  Not with J (her) but with John's family.  Maybe it's just me being overly sensitive but I don't think so.  Listening to my instincts I see the chasm opening wider and wider.  Too much loss for me and my sons.  I sense a deep sadness with a slick of fiery anger on top.

We got home yesterday.  My oldest son stayed behind for school, my youngest and I with my step-son and his girlfriend came home.  J and her kids stayed in Monterey with her husband before he flew back to the Midwest for a job he's on. 

Then, everyone left today.  My oldest for school, my youngest for a week with J and her son and daughter and my step-son.  My step-son's girlfriend and J's other son to her Mom's up north.  She's moving there, he's just staying with his gma for a while.  I am driving down south again Saturday (I was just there Memorial weekend) to pick up my boyo.  June has been a busy month.

Then life will go back to this quiet routine existence again for a while.

I spend time with my friends.  I have made a few new ones.  I've even had a few men show interest.  I still have this total disconnect mentally in regard to any interest in sex, relationship, or anything like that.  A disconnect with experiences in general.  I'm floating barely registering.  It's like I'm vaguely people watching while standing in a really line at the DMV to find out I've been in the wrong line all along and my time is up.

Something I don't understand... my periods are tied into the full moon.  Something John and I both experienced.  He'd get weird, I'd have my phase, both of us during the full moon.  It wasn't like that at first... like a bunch of women in an office together, we eventually came together in that respect.  His man period, my woman one.  It actually sucked because we'd both be sensitive, crazy, Lunatics at the same time.
Now it's just me, but, damn... always right around the full moon.

#sigh

I'm hoping things will settle out and I'll find myself.  I want to live again.