Doing It

Frustrating.  My mind is on all the time.  I sit down to write and I short out.

I'm craving touch.  Sometimes it is sexsexsex... most of the time it is just intimacy.  I'm sure if I started with that it would certainly end up with sex.

My friend and I were talking about kissing.  It's been on my mind!  We both agreed it was so much more fun being young.  Kissing and anticipation was where it was at.  Yes, sex happened, but not the same way things progress the older you get.  I was a little wild when I was young, not as much as some.  I was more of a loner.  I liked going places alone.  I liked spending time with myself.  I'd like to think I was less obvious, but I probably wasn't. My doing things alone meant I experienced moments in life groups of girls do not.  I'm not just talking about sex here btw.  I just wasn't needy.  I didn't need my girlfriend to walk to water with me, walk the boardwalk, walk to the bathroom.  I liked being alone.  I liked hanging out, but I didn't need the crutch.

I could, at this moment, have all the intimacy and/or sex I want if I'd stayed the course with Steve.  However, I have this problem with my own version of high standards and I can't get past those boundaries.  He wasn't enough for me. I shut down completely with him.  WTH.  Wouldn't it be more convenient if I could just... go there?

 A small part of me entertained for a moment messaging him, then as I considered it, my stomach let me know how revolting an idea that was.

Part of me finds that to be a good thing.  The Fury in me finds it completely annoying.  Fury wants me to get my groove on.  So do I... just not with a guy like that.  But why not?

I can't really put my finger on it.  He was sloppy, though, I find some sloppy guys delicious.  Maybe not sloppy.  He was moody.  Again, moody isn't all bad either.  He tried to figure out what I liked, what I wanted, and wanted me to have it.  That's sexy as hell ... unless you're a guy that comes off  Needy, whiny, transparent, and sloppy.

Poor Steve.  I guess I will amend my boundaries to not considering a guy named Steve.  I married one.  Ugh.  I'll say it. They had the same personality!  Total turn off.  Controlling and Needy.  Yuck.

I'm very eclectic in my taste in men.  I'm not into one kind of guy.  I like tall men.  6' or more.  It's just how I am made.  My ex was 5'7" maybe.  It was always an internal struggle for me.  I tried too.  To overcome it.  I couldn't.

Race/color has never been an issue for me.  I typically like men with dark hair... however my longest running crush from elementary through high school was on a boy named David and he was blond.  I've been attracted to blonds (Southern California bleach blond was what I loved growing up), dark hair, red hair.  I typically do not like boyish looking men.  I like Men.  I'm fine with facial hair, I'm fine if he's clean shaved.  I like 5 0'clock shadow.  I love a man with a great haircut.  Short, mid-length, long doesn't matter really ... but a great haircut is just sexy on a man. 
I like a man that can clean up, but jeans and tee-shirt is super attractive too. 
Jean shorts on men... seriously?  No. Only women, and only cut offs.  ha

When I'm attracted to a man I love the way he smells.  Not like when I have a client come in and he's wearing a terrific cologne or his hair gel smells great... I mean that subtle individual scent.  I like the salty smell of a man after sports.  John had that.  He Had that.  He tasted amazing too.  His skin.  My ex was absolutely disgusting, on the flip side.  He was like an unbathed for months on end homeless person.  Probably because he never washed his gear and probably because I was never actually attracted to him in any way at all. 

I am completely shut down if I am not attracted to someone.  If I am attracted though, it's sublime.

Sex is a wonderful gift, it can be.

Sadly, I won't be having it for a while.  I haven't had it for a while.  I am having a problem seeing myself ever having it again! 

I have to be attracted to a man to have sex with him.  I tried the 'John' way.  Distraction with someone else from pain.  It is NOT me.

I'm in this holding pattern.  Grateful and resentful all at once.

Even when I see a man I'm attracted to I'll find myself looking past him, avoiding that opening glance or return eye contact.

Out of the corner of my eye I'll look, I'll stare as though slightly open mouthed and nearly panting with craving taking over my body and soul... but its secreted inside and this wall, this bubble reflects disinterest.
.
I want to be bold.  I want to touch.  I want...

But if I do I'll end up on the same path I've been on before.

I guess I'd rather anticipate, need, and desire some nameless unknown than actually go there right now.

I worry too... I worry Fury (you know, that other visceral me) will just take over some impulsive day and I'll end up tumbling down the rabbit hole of sensation.

Then what?

I want to be selective.  I don't want to take what might be offered just because I am hungry.  I want something more for myself now.

Rested

The last few days have been restful.  I've needed it. 
That week leading up to Mother's Day took a lot out of me.  That and my youngest son kind of driving me crazy.  I was emotionally drained.   




I did get tattooed yesterday.  The final result is different than what I'd originally considered.  The layout is different.  I love it. 

While my outline was being done there was one area that triggered tears.  Not due to pain in anyway, but emotion.  I felt emotional about John. Just this welling emotion, streaming tears.  I was straddling a chair, leaning forward, my arms bent at my sides.  My arms were through my zip hoody worn covering my front, open in the back.  I was leaning on a pillow.  It was comfortable most of the time.  Occasionally I needed to adjust my head or shift my feet.  I waited for ink dip pauses.  The spot that triggered this emotion wasn't an area I remember John touching more than any other.  I don't understand why that particular spot triggered emotions, but I embraced it the two moments it happened.  Memories, internal feeling, the tears.  Little bursts and it was done.

I found the process relaxing.  The tattoo composition is a teardrop shape going from just skimming under my left shoulder to my lower right hip.  From bottom to top I have a large peony over my right hip, in the center of my waist a chrysanthemum, above that on back left rib cage a dahlia, and a bud just skimming under my left shoulder blade.  Within the composition are a few leaves and buds.  The whole thing was hand drawn before outlining.

Initially I wanted a different grouping... I'm still not sure I don't wish I had that grouping.  As it is I love it though. It flows beautifully.

When I wear a cami only part of the dahlia shows, with the bud and a leaf showing.  In the other composition more would have shown, and honestly, I think that is what I regret... that little bit of show across the top of the cami. 

I can add to it, but then it would nearly be a full back piece.  As it is just above the my shoulders, upper center back, and right rib cage are clear.  A small portion of my lower left hip is also clear.


In a month I go back for color. 

Chillaxing

My car started indicating it was overheating the other day.  I don't like it when my car does things that aren't normal, its right up there with taking a shit after a shower. 

I'd called my mechanic.  He's wonderful.  He made a house call.  He came and did some brief trouble shooting.  He began by adding one and a half gallons of water to my cars cooling system (which takes two gallons) and determined I had a leak somewhere.  We agreed he'd come back in the evening after I did some busy work stuff with kids and work.  He did a pressure test and found my slow leak.  I was safe to wait until this morning, Friday, to come to his shop to have him replace a gasket.  As well he tested my engines cooling fan, determined it works but the connection was fried.  He removed the cover, fixed the problem by removing the plug casing which was making the connection short and reworked it, and he replaced the gasket.  I bought coolant and he put that in then sent me on my way, no charge.  He's really great.  I am pleased I have him because he explains what he's doing, why, and doesn't treat me like I'm stupid and he doesn't cheat me.

I brought him maple doughnuts and glazed twists and black coffee and we joked around while he did the work. 

Later that afternoon I made my friend lunch.  Sadly that was my low point of the day.  Details are unnecessary but we both felt kind of out of it, so ... enough said.  Lunch was good, we just both felt icky.

Then I picked up my oldest son after school, my youngest son had a Four day weekend due to a strategically placed furlow day.  We opened the door to the smell of matches and seeing my son furiously trying to cover up his bad decision.

He is So my Kid!  I guess all kids are sneaky about kid world stuff, I was, so I will not complain.  He's not stupid.  He strikes the matches over the sink and puts them out in a glass of water.  I did worse when I was kid.  I grounded him to his room for the night.  I just wish we had a real fireplace, not the cheesy useless gas one where one can't watch the flames.  Fire is like the ocean.  It can be hypnotic, soothing.

Lastly, I went to the historic part of town for a writers hop.  We have Art Hops (I haven't gone yet but want to).  We were sent around to different shops to answer questions.  We had to write perfect sentences.  Ha! Major challenge for me as I see sentence formation as a creative endeavour and not an actual structured thing with rules.  My friend brought her daughter.  The final meeting place was in a restaurant/bar so we weren't sure if we could take her daughter there and we opted for sushi instead as they were both hungry.  On our Hop I ended up buying an Asian silk drawing for almost nothing.  It's lovely, flowers and a butterfly.  I hope to get it framed later to better display it.  I also bought a swim suit... Retro, black, with red cherries.  Not so for almost nothing... hmmmm...

Not the best idea, but, there you have it.

Overall it was a nice day.  Distracting me from thinking about things I can't stop thinking about.  Getting me out to experience something familiar in a part of town I love to go but making me think differently about it.

Tomorrow is my tattoo appointment.  That's going to be a distraction for sure.

Windy, With a Chance of ...

I've typed some things out. I've deleted them.  My spellcheck as disappeared?

I have a lot going on.  Mostly in my head.

Honey

He loves me, He loves me not.  When I was a little girl I used to go through flower after flower after flower pulling petals laying in the grass in the shade of a tree with the heavy scent of dandelions and Alyssum in the heat of a summer afternoon.

Memories like that help me remember how simple life can be. 

Over the last week, finding myself back in this quiet place of getting by, I've been thinking. 

I'm too genuine.  I'm too open.  I'm too nice. 
John used to be frustrated by me, by his own personal demons.  Over the last five months I thought I'd learned so much, changed so much, grown so much, begun to understand so much.  Then time after time I'm shown I know so little.  Each time I feel I can appreciate better some aspect of all the demons I'd met that were John's.

I have met the most unsavory people.  I thought being born to toxic dysfunctional people was bad enough.  One would think I'd be jaded, narcissistic... oh, hmmmm my Mother.  Am I so opposed to being like my family that I have compartmentalized any protective instincts so deeply I have created a pathologically naive idiot?

Okay, so I very gently let 'S' know he wasn't the guy for me.  I'm disappointed in him, he turned out exactly as my instincts were telling me he would.  My instincts are speaking up more and more, and I am listening to them.  I'm also practicing being more direct and deflecting what I don't think is another persons business.  What's crazy is I'm being given ample opportunity to see how scummy people can be.  Why?  Is it practice?  To learn to better differentiate?  Suppose I just swing the other way?  What if I just become fully jaded and suspicious?
I'm working on balance and trying to pay attention.  Sometimes I am proud of myself, other times I find it incredibly difficult and feel disappointed in myself. 

I'm trying to remember certain aspects of John's personality.  I'm trying to remember things he said to me.  I am also listening to what people say, how they say it.

I always worked so hard to be close to my family.  I always tried to be a good friend.  I tried to be a good wife, a good mother, a good Christian.  I placed my trust in others and time over time I've been manipulated, let down, betrayed, abandoned.  I'm trying to face the truth of that.  I am working on looking at things differently.  I used to take responsibility.  All of it.  That wasn't healthy at all.  My perspective was skewed.  I set myself up because I refused to see it wasn't anyone persons job to respect my love and trust and effort. I chose poorly.  Now...

If I trust no one else I'd like to be able to trust myself.

Sentimental

Organizing my garage I found things I thought I'd discarded in response to hurt and anger.

I found unopened mail addressed to John.  Nothing important or significant.  Valentine's Day cards, birthday cards, Mother's Day cards.  I found all the paperwork from our first weekend away together, something I'd kept in the glove box of my car for years.  There was a time in our relationship that was very bad for us, I'd thought I'd thrown everything away.

I am glad my overall organizational skills at home are far from my usual ability.  There is no 'One Place' for each sort of thing.  There are three or more.  For sentimental stuff anyway.

I cried a lot, but I was happy I found it.  I want to try to get things that are just him and store them all together.

True to Myself

Being true myself is difficult for me.  Unless I am pressed into a corner it has been common for me to put aside my needs and expectations.  I'm not sure why. If pressed I am immovable and stand up for myself.  Why not in such important decisions as dating and personal boundaries?

I understand and respect others having boundaries, expectations, wants, needs, and voicing them.  This is something in particular I have wanted to make sure I do in this new life I am beginning.  I do not want to loose another decade, or moment, on something that isn't working.  I do not want to force something that wasn't meant to happen, or taking a situation far past its expiration.

I started to feel like this very nice guy and I went from the very early stages of getting to know each other and hanging out, to full on relationship in just a few days. 

The realization was vibrating through me demanding I pay attention.  I was fighting with myself... seeing a really nice man that likes me for me (as far as he knows) and attracted to me, and considerate, and clear in his intentions, and drama free.  We like many of the same things, want the same things out of life, get along... he's attractive... stable...
I couldn't understand why I was feeling uncomfortable with his showing me a desire for intimacy.  I don't mean sex.  I mean hand holding, affection.  Like buying me flowers when we went to the store to pick something up.  Like doing the heavy lifting.  Damn it, I like to do some things on my own...

Well, I told him.  I'm amazed I took the initiative.  I was dreading it, but I was dreading even more Not being honest and settling and allowing more than I can handle.  I was dreading seeing and letting things progress so quickly.

And he apologized for making me uncomfortable, for moving too fast for me.  I explained to him how I like him so far, but really don't know him yet and that things were feeling like they were moving into a relationship territory and it was making me uncomfortable.  I told him it's happened before and I want to take time and not be in instant relationship.  What if we get two months down the line, two years down the line, a decade, and find it's never really been working? 

I want to remember to take risks, to live life.  But not in five 'dates' with the first guy I meet.  No matter how great he is.  I don't want to force anything.  I don't want anything forced on me.  I don't want things to progress too quickly.  I have so much to to move forward from.

I found myself looking at him and deconstructing my attraction to him, probably because I wasn't listening when inside I was trying to tell myself, too much, too fast!  I find myself not being attracted to him 'that way', and yet felt like it was becoming a 'relationship'.  Intense.  Scary.

The first time we spent time alone on a walk, talking for the first time, I felt like it was going that way.

I feel better for telling him.  I'm setting boundaries that are best for me.  He likes me.  I can decide.  I know I'm not ready for more than 'getting to know you' and maybe, it's not for me.  Of course I worried, am I sabotaging myself?  Do I want a nice guy, but not really?  Am I that screwed up?  Or is he a great guy, but not The Nice Guy for me?  I don't have a clue really, after such short time.  What I do know is things were happening fast, but inside I was retreating.

I think someday I'll be ready for more, maybe with him... maybe not.  I know there are great men out there and I know as I go forward in my life and focus on what I want in general, things will come together.

I'm just proud of myself.  For me, this was an overcoming.  I am sure I will face it again.  I hope it becomes easier and easier to be the one that decides for me, not circumstances swallowing me up and becoming my life.

oh shit

I like him, I really do.  He's nice, attentive, thoughtful, attractive, great with conversation.

I don't think I like him like that...

How am I going to handle this?  I can't get myself past liking him, but not like that.

Breaking Trojans

Imagining conversations is healthy.  It prepares you for the worst someone has to offer and gives you a chance to say all things you'd want to say in that perfect, stable, internal environment.

Having conversations can be a real bitch.  Piecemeal, stilted, lacking, and as twisted as the emotions within.

So I've met this guy.  I'm not sure I am liking the getting to know you process and I am Amazed he sticks around for more.  I spend a lot of time wondering,  'Is he practice?'  I'm not intending him to be.  I'm not being calculated.  I'm wondering how I'm supposed to navigate unfamiliar waters.

I'm an open book.  I'm honest about where I've been, what I'm working through. 

I wonder, do I really like this guy?  Or not?  Do I even have to know?

Yesterday he helped me jail break a bad mood.  One that, unknowingly to him, had been triggered by interaction with him. 

John left Trojans behind. 

I have pinpointed the moment in my psyche and the trigger and I understand it. 

I was initially bad company yesterday.  I'd gone to work, lunch with my clients afterwards, home.  My sons hadn't done a thing I'd asked them to and I could see my Harpy Bitch becoming the lead role in our day.

He sent a text, then just went ahead and called to spare us the energy of having to type in little text boxes what we could more efficiently just Say to each other. 

He wanted to spend time with me.  Within I question that from moment to moment and find I get moody.  At least I did yesterday.  What's odd is, yesterday, his calling to actually spend time with me, didn't initially make me feel better.

He rescued my sons from the Harpy Bitch and took me to a local, heavily used shopping area.  The parking garage did nothing to ease my anxiety and moodiness.  It was like a war zone.  Finally we managed to park with out being murdered and walked out into the social swarm.

It felt threatening to me.  He wanted to hold my hand.  Something I'd wanted the night before became something overwhelming for me.  In my mind a hundred thoughts and feelings stormed through me in response to a simple and normal and comforting act of attraction.  I held his hand but it was awkward.

I couldn't fight the flight feeling.  I'll admit, part of it was all the people.  Part of it was my awful mood.  Part of it was fear.  Fear of moving one more step forward with this guy.  Fear of being seen with him by someone who had some connection to John and being judged by them.  And then anger.  Anger!  I've been through so much bullshit with John, suffered so much loss.  Sacrificed so much for so long.  No one has the right to judge me.  I was totally innocent and sincere in my love for him.  Memories of the memorial, the way I was left open and vulnerable to others with out John's buffering me and protecting me from the toxic assholes he knew slapped me in my face at that moment of simply trying to step forward.

This guy is easy going.  He knows what he wants and he's Normal. 

I have little experience with normal however much I crave to experience it.

He mentioned a movie, perfect solution.  We chose a horrible movie to watch.  We decided the parking garage was the possible indicator of suffering.  It was funny to us.  And, it worked.  It got me out of my head.  I began to relax.  Pain and Gain.  The ending was the best part.  We talked about the movie for a decent chunk of time after leaving.  I called my sons, we picked up Chinese food and came home to watch Avenger's, eat, then we played Cribbage.  I won.  I usually do.

Later we walked around outside just talking.  He lets me just talk to him. 

I watch myself and my responses.  I wonder how much I like him.  Sometimes a lot, sometimes I look at him and I'm attracted, sometimes not as much. 

Trojans.  These mental barriers and pitfalls John planted with in me over several years.  I see them open up and fuck with me.  I see them warp and twist and sometimes breed.  I'm killing them off constantly, I herd them, contain them, get trampled by them.  I try everything I can to recognize them and eradicate them.

Right now there are two me's.  The post apocalyptic me and the new me.  There is the one that still responds to my past and feels weakened and afraid and defensive and obligated.  And there is the 'Fuck that Shit move on you do not owe Anyone Anything, Screw them do what you Want' me.

The second me is growing stronger step by step.

Yesterday I felt unsure he even wanted to hang out with me... then understanding he's normal and was allowing me to work, enjoy lunch with my clients after their appointment, and was hoping I'd call and want to spend time with him.  Then he came to the rescue and helped me get out of my Harpy Bitch mode, gave me the opportunity to leave my sons to their chores and their Saturday with out ruining their day.  Then the evening was really nice. 

He scored big points playing Black Jack with my youngest son (no bets, just teaching my son gambling as a future profession isn't going to be wise because he's not as great as he thought he was) ... and Cribbage with me and my oldest. 
I question what's happening.  I wonder if I'll date other guys or not. 

It's just so weird and mixed up.  I feel pissed off at John for dying.  If it were just a break up I could date with out the hang ups.  Then I'm grateful (in a sense) he did because the break is so final and all I'm doing now is nothing but moving on...

I wish the Trojans were dead.  I wish I could talk to my friend about this but I'm scared to say I've met someone and tell her what I am going through.  I need her because no one knows as well as she does what I'm going through... but I'm afraid.  Will she be disappointed?  I haven't even gotten to June.  I'd set this mental goal for closure.  June.  Scatter John's ashes.  Put the letters through the shredder and bury them in the shoreline.  Let the sea have him.  Let the sea take part of me.  I know he'd still be there, but these rituals help.  And this guy shows up from out of no where.  He wanted to see me again after that dinner thing and my friend helped it along.  My friends want me to live again.  I want to live again.

Am I breaking rules?  I get pushed around by this thought and I get angry.  I'm trying to go with how I feel, trying to allow myself to experience good people and good moments.  Trying to heal.

Kiss And Tell

I remember the very best kiss of my life to this day.  A boy named Jim.  Blond, tan, Southern California boy.  We kissed on the stairs of an apartment building from abut 10pm until dawn.  We kissed and came away covered in morning dew as the sun began to rise.  I have Never forgotten that kiss.  Long, slow, full. 

I think I have compared every kiss to that one.  It's not really fair to every other person I have Ever kissed since (or before).  We set the bar very high.

I could do that.  I could kiss someone until they thought they'd die until they had to have more but felt so lost in me they didn't know what more could possibly be.  I put myself in the kiss.  The soft demand and promise.  The yielding and the conquering.  The siren calling softly.  I could breath another's breath until their breath stilled.  My body humming, vibrating, pulsing until the other's matches mine.  I could kiss like that until sleep took us or the sun separated us or one of us just expires.

The kiss.  It is said women will decide whether or not to stay with a man after kissing him.

The second very best kiss was at a rave, before they were called raves.  An empty warehouse somewhere in Southern California.  Nick.  Blond, tan, Southern California semi-pro/pro skater.  We kissed in the middle of darkness and kept on kissing until a spotlight was shined on us.  He was like me.  He could kiss and be satisfied with nothing more.  And then he wanted more and everything got complicated.  I wonder about him, often.  Where did he land?

I find most men are too eager when they kiss.  Tongues too probing, as though deeper in my mouth the better and as soon as possible. 
Ohhh no.  It takes an elegant intuition to know when to deepen a kiss, or harden a kiss, or soften a kiss.  It lets a woman if you can make love as well as fuck ... not just rut and leave her wanting.

I have been talking to someone.  He says things I'm not used to hearing.  Backs them up with behavior.  Thinks about what I've said and later initiates another conversation. I really like this about him.  It is one of the things I find most attractive about him. We can burn hours talking and being in each others company. 
It has been a long time since I have had the pleasure of experiencing conversation and growing interest and attraction.

I haven't forgotten, anything.  I can't. 

I went to the wine thing.  It was crowded this year and we made slow progress.  We ended up stationing ourselves at a sushi bar having Saki and a snack.
We had a good boundary of 9:30.  His daughter and my sons.  We talked, it's something we are establishing.  He's a gentleman.  Not just with me, not just for show.  I'm paying attention. 

He kissed me at my door.  Honestly I wish he'd kissed me in his car, but again, it was a good boundary.  Things don't need to go so far.  But it was a good kiss.  I think he was nervous, pushed it a bit.  I helped him ease off.  When I controlled the kiss it was sublime.

I'm curious.  I'm a little worried I'll end up hurting him. Inside I want curiosity satisfied with little thought of anything else.  I can see him feeling more for me than I feel for him.  Only by a fraction, but maybe that would be best. For him to care more and me to care less.  My nature isn't to be cruel and I believe when the man loves less cruelty is inevitable.

Of course I know cruel women, but I'm only mentioning that as a concession.  I'm thinking in regard to my loving less and how I perceive that playing out.  I have never been the one that loved less.  My marriage doesn't count, honestly because I think there wasn't love at all.  I think there was perception and expectation but no real affection.

I am referring to a loving and caring relationship.  I'm feeling it might be better if the man loves the woman more than the woman loves the man.

I could fall in love with him.  Really I have no idea what will happen tomorrow.

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

Thirteen! I have thirteen spider bites ranging from four on the back of my neck, two on my back and, OMG, SEVEN on my ASS.

WTF.

Clearly my pants won't be coming off any time soon.

God has a sick sense of humor.  LOL

5 Years From Now (kind of started the other day)

At a recent group dinner there was a man.  The other night during our Pub Crawl (I had two drinks out of four or five stops but the May the Fourth people watching was great) he came along.  He's coworker with my 'friend'.

He showed interest in me, and I didn't freak out.  We talked after together.  He and I took a walk the next evening.  It was a difficult conversation for me. 

I have no serious feelings.  No headrushy fluttery falling into him feelings.

I'm not sure I am even capable of that ever again.

It's nice to talk to a man though.  He has a lot of qualities I like, so far.  There are some things nagging me and I am not ignoring them.  Like I think he is interested in me five years from now, not me Now.  I was thinking being asked out on an actual date would be nice.  I was thinking a kiss, maybe, would be... interesting.  Sometimes in this place under the rubble I remember I want things...

No, I am probably not ready.  I'm not pretending I am. 

There is this wine thing Thursday.  It's his turn.  I hope its fun.  If its complicated I guess it was 'nice' practice while it lasted.

Drama

Another one bites the dust.

There has been a change in me that has been quietly showing itself for a few years now.  It hasn't been easy. 

I simply stopped putting effort into people that didn't put effort in as well.  I also stopped tolerating toxic bs too.

My thinking in the early stages was this, my plate was simply too full in my nuclear life, so I wasn't going to force anything anymore. 

That is how I ended up not talking to my Grandparents for almost two years.  I just stopped calling because they communicated they didn't want me to, also, they Never called.  I stop, no contact for two years.  When I did initiate contact again it was in regard to my oldest son having is bday forgotten.  It took Months before I made that call.  As a result he received a card, and I was given an earful update of drama regarding my mother, her brother and the horrible boundary ignoring person she was being to my grandparents and her brother. In times of need my family has never been supportive.  No calls or concern for me after John's death.  My grandmother was irritated with me for not staying to look at her new house, the afternoon after his death... that is Crazy to me.
I finally reached a point where no matter how much I loved and was in love with John it was time.  It just happened so fast, so brutally.  Then... he is gone. 

Now it seems it has come to it again.  I find it interesting how I can know someone for so long and only just now accept certain truths regarding our relationship.  Someone I have considered my last link to any past I have, someone I have held onto for that very reason, attacked me today. 

And for the first time, I wasn't hurt by it.  I followed protocol while the realization was dawning.  She sent a cryptic text the evening before.  I asked what happened.  She didn't respond.  I thought back over the evening at things she said and started seeing a picture come together.  She sent another cryptic text today.  I asked again.  She let me know I'd offended her but wouldn't say how.  At this point I apologized with out knowing what I was apologizing for, but caring about having hurt my friend in some way, but that was it.  I didn't feel desperate like I have in the past to fix it.  I wasn't going to goddamn let her fuck with me anymore in this way.

My offense to her was, in a word, ridiculous.  I can say that with total blameless honesty.  I have a tendency to over take responsibility.  I've been working on it.  Thinking it through, working on boundaries, and not taking ALL the blame.

Her next message was a way below the belt punch and that is where the change happened.  She altered our friendship permanently. 

I prefer to take any situation and ring as much optimism as I can out of it, and in her cruelty she did say things I can work with, even though she didn't say them to help in any way.  She said them to injure, manipulate, shame, and unbalance me.  It's not the first time.

I'm not sure how it will play out, but I am not the same friend she had yesterday. 
I'm still not the type to put effort into putting her in her place.  I have years of ammunition.  It's not my style.  Who am I to judge?  And it's interesting to me she'd play that game with me knowing I admit honestly my faults and never go out of my way to put myself up as something better than anyone else.

I think I'll give her enough rope to hang herself with and watch her choke. 

Annie, Get Your Gun

I think God wants me to have a gun.

I have met a fair number of people that go to the local range and shoot targets, have concealed weapons permits, and have weapons in their homes.

I have handled an unloaded, unchambered hand gun before.  That's about it.

Is there a Cosmic Calling for me to take up arms?

Ratio

I feel like a large sink with a small drain.

Since I can't process quickly enough, since I can't see down the line, I suppose I'll just settle back and wait and see.

Tonight I went out with a few friends.  My longtime friend, her co-worker S-guy, and my co-worker friend.

We did a pub crawl and it was a lot of fun.  The neighborhood we went to was hosting a May the 4th Be With You pub crawl.  We didn't dress up but we had fun people watching and talking.

S-guy.  I'd met him recently at a dinner with my longtime friend and several others.  This is the second time seeing him.  I'm attracted to him.  He's tall.  He's a jeans and tshirt guy.  Longish hair.  Wears glasses, also wears glasses on top of his head.  He's warm and funny and included everyone. At one point we sat next to each other.  He'd shifted his leg and touched me.  I didn't pull away.  I didn't want to.  A few times he touched my back when we were walking.  To cross the street, around a crowd of people.  Nothing overt.  But it was nice.  I wanted to lean into him.  I wanted him to rest his hand there on my back.

The evening ended late.  It seemed to go by quickly.  He and I pulled up to a red light a few blocks away from where we'd all gone our separate ways and he asked if I had to be home and whether I'd like to go somewhere else.  Yes.  We landed at Denny's and had decaff coffee.  We talked easily enough about our kids, our ex's, a few people we know in common.  Not all of the subject matter was pleasant.  I found myself observing him, looking for what lurked beneath.  We talked for just over two hours.

He walked me to my car and we exchanged numbers.  I liked that he wasn't smooth about how to say goodnight and wasn't in a hurry to until he realized I was cold when the wind came up even though the day had been very warm.

He messaged me when he got home and said he had a great time and enjoyed our time talking together.

I didn't say anything about John.

It was nice to feel comfortable and enjoy sitting and having coffee with him talking about life, our kids. 
I cried while driving home. 

Big sink, little drain.  I'm not even sure how to articulate any of the things below the swirling soft foam on the surface...

I can't decide if I should stir up my thoughts or try to catch a few hours sleep before waking up and going to church at 9am.

I think I'll sleep.

Gobbsmacked

Today was, well...

Today was the second day of my period, just for starters.  Anyone that is over the age of Ew! knows a woman's second day is typically the day of heaviest bleeding and most discomfort.  The day she is most likely to feel as though she has been hit by a truck, drug an extra 50 ft. and then left under one of the 18 big truck tires, thankful because at least she can close her eyes and rest now.

But not me.  Nope.  It is the typical second day discomfort, but I have things I have to do.  After Midol extra strength, not so bad.  Definitely doable.

It was the rest of the day that was... what it was.

I had made plans several days before to hang out with my gf and meet her mother for the first time.  The both of them are convinced, sweetly and a little creepily, I was stolen from their family.  Actual birth and genetics don't matter to them.  Initially we were to meet at 8:30am for breakfast.  Then 9, then 10... then 12pm for lunch at an Asian Fusion place similar to PF Changs, but better.  Thankfully the time didn't change, again.  However I find out my gf's hubbie behaved very, very classlessly and frankly, stupid weak mannishly toward her mother who decided it was time to cut her trip several days short (and I don't blame her at ALL) and I got to hear the fear driven, f-bombing, anxiety ridden tale in full.  Twice, or more. 

The food was delicious.  Duck, Seered Ahi, Apple Pork.  The conversation, while intense, not horrible.  I think I helped Zen it a bit.


The very best part. 
My sons father, my ex husband, informed me a few days ago he'd be coming to town to spend a few days with the boys.  Cool!  Then I realized I did not clarify.
'Are the boys staying with you Friday and Saturday, are you picking them up after school?'
Ughh, well do you wanna go out of town, cuz if you do I can keep em.  But I was planin on pickin them up and takin them to dinner, takin them back to you, then getin them at nine, hangin out for a bit then brinin them back to you cuz I'm leavin town Sunday mornin. I won't be at Mom's because I'm stayn at Mike's
'Hmmm, okayyyy... well I thought you were going to keep them for the weekend but whatever'  (Whatever because anything more is met with stonewalling and fake lack of understanding)

He picks them up after school.  At 4:15 the boys walk through the door.
'Oh, boys hey! Are you already done with dinner and hanging out with your dad?'
My son: No, we figured we'd hang out here.'

Gobbsmacked.

The three of them walk in.  My ex sits on the couch and let's me know he figured he'd just order them pizza and watch the hockey game.  He didn't have anywhere else to go...
Um, How about the gigantic pizza buffet place with all the video games and sports channels?  You can ignore them for six hours if you want and watch hockey!  They'll feel like they had an Awesome time with you, their DAD.  I don't go there, but YOU can!

Gobbsmacked.  As I Think this and I am writing the number down for the pizza delivery my ex asks my son to change the channel because I've seen that movie before.  I thank GOD I am not longer married to him over and over and over again like a chant.

'I have a 5:15 client.  I'm going to work now.'  It's 4:20 I race for the door really uncomfortable to leave my ex in my home but because of my second day of my period figure I can fight the good fight another day.

My youngest is already in his room with the door closed, his version of 'whatever'.  I leave My Home and go to work 45 minutes early so I can sit there in shock feeling as though my third son just invaded my space unannounced and unbathed.

I wait for my client.  She's rescheduled this appointment twice and then messages me to let my know she's going to be 15 minutes late. Greaaaaaaaaat.

I finish up, later than I want.  I drive home.  He. Is. Still. Here!

I message my friend and ask if she is still out.  I message my sister and tell her, she's is super late to meet me already anyway, to meet me at the bar my other friend is at.

Night ends in laughter.

Tomorrow has Got to be a much better day.

Time To Play B-Side

I miss vinyl.  I miss buying records.  I miss when records and cassette tapes were the only thing you could buy.  I remember 8-track.

Time. 

I remember when I was about sixteen.  I was walking through South Coast Plaza Mall and this guy hands me a flier for Blue Oyster Cult.  The awful truth is this... I didn't go.  I really like the band too.  This morning I was listening to "I'm Burning for You"

Quiet.  My mind just went into quiet motion.  Slipping along with shadows and light.

The song kept playing over and over in the background in my head.  Shampoo in my hair, thinking it's May 1st already.  My birthday is almost here.  I'll be 42.  My birthday.  I pictured how over the last several years John would take me to Anthropology to buy something. 

And I started sobbing.

It's almost his birthday too.  The same day as my youngest sons.  I'm blow drying my hair wondering if there will always be this shadow in my life.  This quiet motion under the light.


Other thoughts out right assaulted me this morning.  All attached to songs.  Foo Fighters 'I'll Stick Around' ... Audioslave 'Shadow on the Sun' ... Atlas Genius 'Tojans'

I Don't Owe You Anything.  I wondered to myself why I'm not just out there living it up.  It's an impulsive thought, born of anger and frustration and weariness, completely independent of any sort of responsibility like being a mother.  Do I place that level of responsibility on myself though?  Do I not allow myself to get out there using the excuse of mourning John, still being in love with him (And I DON'T OWE HIM ANYTHING after everything he's done to me), being a Mom to my sons, my job?  Do any of them really hold me back or do I use them as excuses?  Or are they simply boundaries right now.  Am I doing things the way I'm meant to?  I have to have this time for myself to learn from it, to heal if I can.

Trojan.  I feel like part of what John was in my life is like a Trojan Horse, or a virus.  He morphs and multiplies and touches everything.  Sometimes it is a good thing.  A lot of times there is some kind of hurt involved.

Shadow on the Sun.  Scary.  Scaryscaryscary how this one just covers it.

I do not want to this to define my whole life.  I do not want this to color my future.  I do not want this Shadow in my life forever.  I do NOT want it.

But what if I am?  It has happened to others.  Their whole lives consumed by one defining person.

I can't tolerate that.  I won't. 

I think I still have time.