One Big Run On Thought

Registered for Community College to see if I can get my AA and maybe transfer with a purpose. 

I think it's a little sad that I can't figure out what I might like to do.  Famous actress isn't an option.  Neither is independently wealthy world traveler.  Disappointing that!

So I simply clicked Liberal Studies.  Maybe I'll check into being a therapist.  Or perhaps... Darn it I have gone blank.  I think therapy because I do it now and work harder doing it.

I have a client that wants me to be a life coach/organizer.  i think it costs about 10G's to be a life coach, a certified life coach.  I believe she perceives me as a resourceful and organized person, everything in it's place.  Not.  She should come to my place and listen to me yell at my sons to put their giant smelly shoes in their room as I add my delicate non-smelly ones to a growing pile under the "Rooster Table" on the wall between the dining area and the lounge where we all just melt into the couches and watch Netflix.

Rooster Table.  I will explain that.  I used to have a lamp that was a rooster base.  It was iron.  Actually kind of awesome but it had this fussy shade and a fennel that looked like amber crystal.  My youngest, liking all things that sparkle, stole it and then stripped it of the threading that held the shade on properly.  I think I got rid of it when Johnny and I found that new place together that symbolizes the destruction of my dreams of our life together before he die and confirmed it.  Dick.  *this is meant to be humorous, but I realize my funny might be kind of obscene

So yeah, we call it the Rooster Table to this day. 

My son just walked in.  His pants are slipping because his backpack is so heavy he's certain his shoulders are Bleeding and prevented him from hiking them up.  I told him if he were in prison he is offering butt sex.  Now he's eating his ice cream because, Sugar.

So, Scary! Finally taking this simple online step toward some other future than the one I paid over $20,000 for to find out is a cool hobby and saves me a lot of money on products of which I am am a little too liberal in buying for myself.


I tried on Levi's today.  The pair I have are too tight because I like pasta and bread.  I am working on that because my ass looks great in them and I'd rather wear those with the pure pleasure of knowing I lost a bit of extra curve to fit into them and sparing myself a stiff new pair at the WTH price of $70. 
And Chuck's, why are Converse $50?!!?  Chucks and Old School Vans have to be the most cheaply made shoes on the planet and they are damn expensive.

Oh well... I'll keep my Vans, wait on the Chucks, and lose a little bit (damn it! Just a LITTLE bit) of weight to fit into my nice ass Levi's.  They are also the Perfect length and wear.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to find Levi's or jean in general in my size and length?  32"  I used to be a 32/32... now I am a 33-34/32.  How hard can it be? 

I bet I do it in two months.  So I think I should avoid the vanilla gelato I bought myself yesterday and take a smaller portion of the grilled chicken penne pasta I am making with friends on Sunday.  I don't have to give up soda.  I'm not a crazy milk and cheese person.  Since my almost DUI the thought of drinking causes and anxiety attack.  I can't help laughing now, but it is threaded with a healthy fearful respect for how vulnerable I am to a police officer that decides to mess with me just so he can talk to a pretty girl and take his shortness out on her.

Tonight I am going to my friends photography exhibition.  His first.  He's actually quite good.  This will be the only kind of going out I will be doing for now on, unless I get the Heck Out Of Dodge...then I will go to showings (of some sort) out of town.  The whole bar thing is just not my thing.  I'll have to figure out how to get my live music fix in other ways.  Summer will be good for this.  Santa Cruz free concerts, music on the mall (here).  Things I can take my sons to if I like.

My recent crappier than crappy days, though driven to intensity by hormones, have shown me just how much I Really need a vacation.

I can't help but wonder if my friend that moved to Iowa will still offer to bring me over to see some wheat fields and Boise.  I'm sure it would include his hoping I'll appreciate him with sex.  I can't say that in those moments in the dark quiet of night when I can't sleep that I don't think about it.  That thought followed by either what is wrong with me that I am sort of but not attracted to him.  He has great hands, soft and firm lips (I know because he kissed me goodbye, longer than a peck and not demanding more), and he sees me...I think. 


I'd love to get away.  I have never had a vacation, not in my adult life.  When I was about 9 years old I went to Hawaii with my 'parents', and Baja California/Puerto Vallarta when I was 13.  I've spent a weekend in Seattle, Texas.  Driven into Oregon.  The usual weekends at the Coast, San Francisco.  All with John.  I haven't been back alone since we gave his ashes to the Sea.  I'm a little afraid to face it, afraid I'll go and not be able to breathe.  I need to go.  I need to go soon.

Spring break is coming.  Grab my boyo's and take a ride to the Bay.  Monterey, Pacific Grove.  Maybe I could stay with my in-laws in Salinas.   

I need a personal get-a-way.  More than just a weekend, and on my own.  I really need some 'Me' freedom.

Okay... so this is what I am doing after accomplishing college reg, buying wall patch for the hole my cat is making bigger and bigger (moron), and ...


I'm posting without editing this...because I can and if I look at it later I am sure I will cringe.