Oh My God

Well, I am here because I am feeling like an ass.

This is a situation, and my friend is correct, I will learn from it and move on.  Eventually.  Like maybe after dinner and a glass of the same wine I drank that influenced my signing up for the dating site in the first place.

This is about Mr. #4 man I met online.  **sigh**

My girlfriend asked if I had heard from him after asking if I was planning on meeting someone else.

Now, backing up just a little bit, I get anyone I meet is meeting other people.  I am totally okay with that.  The strange thing about online dating, and this is something Mr. #4 (a guy I wanted to see again) said, you'll talk to someone for a while, then suddenly nothing.  It was just part of it.

Mr. (possible) #5, the one she asked if we were planning on meeting has kind of had me off balance.  He's not constantly messaging me, or even really with any consistent expectation. He mentioned that the more we messaged it seemed the more we had in common.  He has two children that are 5 and 6 so I get being careful and if he's interested in others...and if he has other family obligations...our messaging will be sporadic.  We were supposed to meet last Saturday but he messaged me to let me know he had to do something with his father.  Well, he wants to meet on Tuesday, but...I'll admit it, he said some night next week and I let him know when I was available and that a local place had live music Tuesday night.  He said that would work.  I can't tell if he's enthusiastic or not and I am thinking this way because he's not trying to make the time firm.  Nothing like, okay, we'll meet at 7 at such and such a place and have a drink. He just said Tuesday night sounds good.  Not knowing where he is coming from isn't a big deal but it's a bit unsettling?  I am not accustomed to this world, to dating even.  I know, I know...if we meet on Tuesday I'll have a clear idea where it is or isn't going.  Same thing if we don't meet.

But these two situations, #4 not messaging me today and then (You'll see below) and #5 making me feel off balance...have me feeling like I have no control.  It's uncomfortable.  I'm being tested and I think I feel like I am not responding well.  That I am perhaps showing I haven't grown...

As she asked in text messaging about Mr. #5 (I am using this method of description for your benefit my only reader...however when I explain this next bit you may say to yourself that I clearly need to get my shit together.)

Again, as she asked about Mr. #5, she then asked about Mr. Hour Away #4... I told her that yes he'd messaged me yesterday and our last message was at 5:30pm.  I then messaged her, He messaged me first in the morning Happy Hump Day and that it was an inside joke he'd shared with his friend with benefits he'd had for a while...hmmmmm

And then I topped it off with, He's not That cute! ;)

Then I noticed I'd sent it to him...I hadn't closed his text windows when I was looking back over our texts!

This is not the first time I have done this.  When I was meeting the Portuguese Cowboy I was messaging her my plans, for safety, and accidentally sent the message to Don, the guy that  I'd seen a few times and he'd just messaged me he didn't want to know about my other 'dates'.

I have a problem. A texting problem.

I told her, maybe this is universes way of keeping the guys I am not meant to be with out of my life. 

She said I need to delete messages (as in threads) so I can't make that mistake.  I like to have a reference though!  And paying attention is something I obviously need to work on.

He finally responded, just now, saying it was in reference to the [stupid] camel commercial and he sends it to his friends and not a sexual reference at all.  And...good luck on my search.

I sort of deserve it, but...I sort of don't.  However, he doesn't know me and well, I get it. 

I do think it is the Universe keeping the wrong guys away from me.
That might sound stupid in your head when you read it but whatever.

I will now describe me feelings...stop reading if you don't want to know.

I feel really embarrassed, and sad he has the wrong impression no matter if he is right or wrong for me.  He saw a something out of context and it wasn't a pretty representation.  I was analyzing because I haven't heard from him since last night and figured it was like he said...you'll talk to people and everything is fine then... nothing.  And maybe he's not that into me if he didn't bother messaging me today... Hi, My name is Layne and I'm being neurotic.

Then I send that example of 'maybe it's not what I think' accidentally. And the He's not That cute refers to me not letting my attraction to someone keep me from seeing red flags or maybe what he is all about and that he's not cute enough to be just a fuck buddy??? Ugh...

I feel stupid and I want to fix it.  I tried, but he's already over it.  I can't work myself over because of this.  I wish he was willing to consider why I would say it in the first place and laugh it off, but he's not going to be that guy and I am not going to over explain it.  That is what this entry is for I guess.  I can be that here...while I am stopping being that person in my in real life personal relationships.

I am learning to let go and move on I guess.  Interesting lesson I have learned so far while online dating.  Similar outcome, three different reasons.  This one though, I will struggle with a bit.  I'll struggle with it because I feel I am fault and I wasn't prepared to be on this side of things, not like this.  You're just not that into me, cool.  But this is...bothering me right now.  And this is an interesting situation I have placed myself in.  When I stop being mortified and wishing I could go back in time I think I might get a lot out of it.

I clearly need to be more conscientious when I am texting my girlfriend. 

I'm not sure I will be online dating for long. 

If I'm not, because it is just so damn awkward, I will try to use what I have learned and maybe having broken the ice, be better at meeting people in real life without the benefit of a dating site. 

But maybe Mr. #3 five date Don was right.  Maybe, even if I want to be, I'm not ready for this...
Maybe it's not time yet.

He Said Maybe I'm Prude

Well, a man can want a car that makes his blood run hot but unless he's given the keys he'll never know the purr of the engine or its potential to get him there and thrill him in the same process.

I'm not prude, I'm simply not indiscriminate. I want to know the purr of the engine.  I want to get there and be thrilled in the process.  I don't want it so bad I'll give just anyone the keys.

I don't want some boy that doesn't know how to steer, handle the curves, never push the throttle, or keep from burning out my engine because they have no idea what they are doing or because they hit the brakes too soon.



I think people are lazy and selfish.  I also think people simply like the thrill of a test drive.

I'm looking for the man that knows what I'm worth and I am content to wait all covered up and showing just a hint of my potential. 


Yes, I just compared myself to a high end well appointed vehicle.  Damn. 

Lunch Date

I accepted and invitation for another date from someone, not the 5 date guy. 
He lives an hour away so we me half way. 
We had lunch.  He was fun to talk to.  Funny, seems realistic.  We talked for six hours, in the same booth.  Both of us were shocked how long we sat there. 

He's a good guy.  I like that he is into his life.  He has a job he loves, hobbies he enjoys, friends, family. 

I don't know where it will go, or even if it will.  The distance and our busy lives would make planning a second date interesting.

And Then...

And then the morning came.  Good morning.

He'd asked me to give him a little something now and then.  You know, a good morning.  My response was an internal sigh.  I felt I was having a lot of those with him.

You're so impatient, I replied.  I am just opening my eyes.  He said he's already been up for an hour and how he wished I wasn't so busy all day. 

I said I am planning a cup of coffee, High Fidelity, and maybe an actual bath.

He said, 'Aren't you going into work at 11 this morning?'

No, it's Sunday. That's tomorrow.

Well, I think you should come hang out at my place, we'll watch tv, eat unhealthy food and just vedge. 

I explained I needed a day to myself to process out the night before and it's let downs, being abandoned by my friends and harassed by the short guy with no boundaries.  And, the afternoon before with him.

He said, It sounds like you're crossing me off.

By taking a day to myself to assess how I am feeling and process out last nights let downs?

And processing me.

*OMG

I replied, I am not even sure how to respond to that Don.  But it makes me feel uncomfortable.

The rest of his messages were manipulations.  1: I don't understand.  2: It's been a long time since he's been able to dote on someone and treat them so well the he gets that innocent smile he saw when he looked at my face. (creepy)  3: Spending quiet time with me, just hanging out with him cooking for me is like extended foreplay without the expectation of anything else (we never did that) 4: It's like Christmas for him, I'm new and fun and he likes me and wanted to spend time with me so we could both get to know each other better.  (I have been likened to a toy a kid is thrilled with and then often discards, but while I am being played with I should appreciate it) 5: He wishes he could find a better filter and a break pedal when he is getting to know someone, he's sorry :(  *so he's done this before. That maybe he is too genuine.  That he wonders if he will ever get it right. :(  6: That texting these things never come across as they should. That I can't hear tone or see body language. 7: That if I could take anything away from this I should remember the day before when he put the pillow across me so he could lean on top of me and we talked, really talked. He hasn't been able to open up to someone like that in a long time.  That my smile is energizing and it made him smile inside when he thought about it and being part of that was great. *I kept thinking, I need to leave when that was happening. 8: He's thinking of me.  Good night.  Good morning. 9: Um, are you done seeing me? Getting to know him?

I think that is what is best.

Why? Please don't...not this way.  He never picked me for a person to say it via txt.

Don, too much, too fast.  When I indicated I needed a day to myself you made me uncomfortable and after a few dates.

Then: How did I make you feel uncomfortable? He's confused about it.  That as honestly and open as we talked about tons of subjects (no we didn't) fixing this and getting to know more about each other should be easy.

I'm not interested in moving forward in any way.

He understands I feel that way.  I'm an amazing woman from what he knows.  He's sad to know He won't find my smile anymore.  He won't bother me again but if I change my mind I know where to find him. That he is done with the dating site and maybe we'll run into each other again and share a meal and another smile.  He just wishes I'd said it in person :(

Then a few hours ago: He really wishes I'd give this a chance.  He still doesn't understand what he did or said that make me uncomfortable.

Blocked

He's in sales.  He worked every angle in just those text messages, confusion, hey I'm a nice guy, I just want to do nice things for you (how could you not want that?), I can't believe you are that kind of person (guilt), anything to draw me into a conversation.  Working the angles to get me to assure, defend myself, question my feelings because hey, he's a nice guy with nice plans.

The reality.  He isn't caring about what I say, think, need, want.  He only understands his words, his thoughts, his needs, his wants.  If he can draw me into a conversation he can get the dialogue going and try to wear me down.

I blocked him.  I told my boss at the salon about him, just in case, and showed his picture and let her know he's super tall.  My girlfriend knows All about every detail.  His license plate, his home address, his name.

It's sad, he had potential.  I held back a lot, so much.  Now I see why.

I'm pretty sure in all of his not listening he forgot I mentioned my sister grew up with Bikers.  I am now part of their family because I look exactly like my Dad.  I Will Turn To Bikers if i need to.  Just get them to ride out, say hello at his house, make a point of letting him know I'd like him to kindly stop bothering me.

I behaved normally with this person.  I went on a handful of dates and made it clear I wasn't interested in a full on relationship and wanted time to get to know him for it to go further, that I liked my space.

I was incredibly clear in my text I wasn't interested in him anymore and why.  I blocked him.

I will set Bikers on his ass if he doesn't get it after all that.



 

I Like You! I Really Really Like You

Is there something wrong with me?

I made this decision, granted wine helped, to put myself out there.  To open up my world, to test myself.  I want to know if I have grown.  I want to see if I have learned anything from the past so I can have the kind of future I am trying to build for myself, the kind I envision myself having.

My life is quiet and drama free.  I love it.  Sometimes I really want to share it with someone.

I had a dream a few nights ago.  John was a ghost.  Only I could see, hear, feel him.  The love, god, it was a power pulsing throughout.  He was there.  I felt his touch, spoke with him, looked at him looking at me.  It was beautiful.  Just before I woke up we'd been laying on the couch together.  Just that simple moment.  I woke up with that feeling crashing through me and I cried.  A year and a half later I can still be undone.

I let it happen.  I settled.  I moved myself into the other room and made coffee and I recovered.

I wrote before about the guy I went on a few dates with, the one I felt was not understanding my need to date, to test myself, to open myself up to different people, to experiencing life again.

He sort of recovered that moment.  We met for lunch and he was easy going.  Messaging on a phone, things can get lost in translation.  Even one on one things can get lost.  It takes effort and honesty, and being blunt sometimes for confusion to not set in.  I believe being emotional, vulnerable can really twist and complicate things.  It's important to communicate and be clear.  If the other person listens and acts on it appropriately everything is good to move forward or things need to be assessed.

Lunch was fun.  He didn't have anything behind his eyes.  I've have Satan's sister as a mother so I know what those eyes look like.  The playing it cool eyes but all the creepy shit behind them lurking.

My impression, after that lunch, another dinner, and a lunch/movie (in the coldest theater in the nation, wth!) that, yeah, he's really, really into me.  Now it is a healthy into me or is this a pattern with him.  Remember he was there at date two.

I just don't think I am into him.  I like him.  But, isn't it kind of early for us to be really, really into each other?  I know very little about him.  He knows very little about me.  He is determined to get to know me.  He said he feels I am special and very worth the wait.  That could be great, or really creepy.  I was hoping for something in between that builds on itself to something good, not me being dumped in a canal or ponding basin.

He said the first thing he thinks when he meets someone for the first time is, 'Can I introduce this woman to my family?'

I am totally that kind of girl.

I think there is so much about him to like, to fall for.

He has lovely thoughts about me.  I mean, life thoughts.  Not just me in his bed, naked.  Me in his bed, as in, in his life.  He pictures me part of his every day.

It's clear he's full on attracted to me.  I find him attractive.  But something in me backs up.  He's affectionate, and he looks at me with something more than 'Let's Get It On' but I wonder if my radar is tuned to the 'falling for a manipulation' channel.  Not being invested makes me feel safe, but I wonder if it is hurting my ability to let a really nice guy in too.  See?  Too complicated already.

But it's so fast.

I'm trying to work it out in my head.  I have those thoughts.  The little things in life with him in it.  But is that real?  I have a vivid imagination and I am trying to consider if this person could fit.  I think I could imagine myself into Charles Manson fitting into my life.  The strange relative I visit in the old folk's crazy home...

Is there something wrong with me?

I think it is one of those situations where he has a lot of potential but I am not interested in him sexually.  And I am trying to work that out.  I felt a glimmer of it, but nothing I'd move on.  And...
The real question...do I only get turned on by assholes, even if I don't know they are assholes yet?

I don't think so.  I am not in that place anymore.  I am finding I am listening to myself.  I am being honest with myself and with the people in my life.

It's really wonderful.  I am not setting myself aside anymore.  There are a few boundaries I'd like to see strengthened.  Like how I will still allow someone in my bubble when I don't want them there.  Even if it is just for a short moment.

Sadly, this guy had potential but this morning he just screwed up and I am happy I am not interested in making it okay with him.

Last night I went to see some bands play at a local venue.  I'd been looking forward to this for several weeks.  It was going to be a girls night out.  My girl friend has this awful relationship with her boyfriend that has some echos of my relationship with John.  It has really helped me to process my experience with him.  To keep myself honest about what life was like with him.  Not what I'd built the relationship on, the little crumbs he gave me to keep me building my hopes on.

Anyway, they break up, get back together.  They ride that circle of honeymoon period, trigger into argument, break up, reconcile, honeymoon period... It's dizzying.

Well, they rode it last night, leaving me behind in the club, thankfully with some decent people in a little sectional couch thing with a table.  For a while it was pleasant to just relax and listen to the two bands I was able to see.  The third I missed, mainly because of a little aggressive Gimli type man that had no respect for my personal boundaries.  He actually Blew In My ear at one point.  Is that a generational pick up thing?  Blow in a chicks ear, she can't resist it?  John did that sometimes and I found it really...not a turn on. *laughing  The dwarf kept wanting me to dance.  After the ear blowing incident I put my finger in his face and said No, very firmly.  Do. Not. Do. That. Again.  Alcohol makes men really obnoxious.

So my night was...disappointing.

I left.  Gimli walked me to my car and didn't touch me.  This is good.  I think I would have happily punched him in the balls if he had.
I stopped by my girlfriends house to get my purse.  I'd taken only my ID, some cash, a lipbalm, and my keys.  Her house was locked but her son was awake and I knocked on his window.
He let me in, she was upstairs arguing with her boyfriend.  I headed home.  I was absolutely relieved to walk into my apartment.

This morning as I was waking up Don messaged me good morning.  He wanted to spend the day with me at his place.

I said I needed a day to process last nights bs and how I was feeling.  He messaged me he was worried I was going to process him out.

OMG.
Well, now that you mention it...
I told him I didn't even know how to respond to that and I have ignored his messages since.

I need some space.  I like my space.  And someone like him is making me cherish it.

I believe what I want for my life is someone I want to invite in, that wants to invite me in.  That I fall in love with as I get to know him.  That I want to be physically close to.

I am not going to want someone as a result of them wanting me.  And I am NOT going to make him feel okay about his feelings, his insecurities, and his neediness while I am trying to figure out my own feelings and impressions.

Basically.  He used a bright yellow highlighter on the details of our interactions (my least favorite color of the highlighters) to let me know he is not the guy for me.

I am seriously considering going back to my quiet life and being single, no dating site because frankly, it's lame.

It's not that I can't field the guys that just want to get my number to get me to sext them.  Or the guy that messages me and is fun and interesting and then disappears, only to reappear and want to get my cell # or go out because some other girl he met ended up being crazy or nothing like her profile picture.  Or the guys like Don, that after the initial meet and greet basically want to marry me.

Life is a wonderful complexity.  I am looking for something else.  That person I meet because I chose, on a whim, to go to a certain place, at a certain time and it just progresses easily from there.  Nothing desperate, or hurried, or forced.

More On Online Dating

Dates Two/three and Four...
My second meet and greet...
Don.
He's a freakish 6'7"... I have never met someone so tall.  The Geek in me thinks, at Halloween he can be Chewbacca and I can be Princess Leia.
We were exceptionally brave in a choice of place for a first meeting.  A Pho restaurant over noodles.  We had a great time.
So great we decided to meet later the same day for dinner as well.  Salad.  Then we took a walk to Target hoping for some single serve ice cream.
Hope lost.

At dinner I started to get the impression he's On.  Like turned On.  Like baseball stadium lights.  The joking, the innuendo's, the prankster.  I was already tired and I found he was wearing me out more.  He was funny, engaging, but...On.  I wondered what he'd be like if he Turned Down.

His pranking ways are, well, damn, cable-worthy.  I found myself wondering if he was maybe, possibly sophomoric in the extreme or if he was just into meeting me and having fun telling stories.  He'd told a story about how he'd made a rainbow bumper sticker that said, Honk!  I just came Out!  He'd put very low on his bosses bumper.  His boss found it multiple honks and three days later.

At the end of our two date day he didn't try to kiss me.  I am glad, I am not ready.  I am interested in another date, but not ready for that.  I sort of wonder if that in itself is telling.

Friendly good morning, again, On.  I think he said, 'Good morning, your late! Get going.'
What the hell?

Then he messaged later, Are you busy at work today?  I let him know I was done for the day after we'd been messaging back and forth while I was torturing myself at the Mall.  I thought maybe I'd get a cute top.  It is pathetic what is offered at the Mall.  I won't go again for another six years.  I let him know that, we LOL'd, and I said I needed to go home and shower off the mall.  He asked if I was busy and I said I had plans.

He said, Oh :(

Then he sent me a big message saying he'd deleted his online dating account, not just because of me but because he'd done it for a while and would like to focus on getting to know me.

I took some time to respond.  Before I did he sent another message, :) hi :)

I get it, being vulnerable really sucks, and getting something back helps alleviate that fear and insecurity.

I can't promise that and after one date it is unfair of him to expect me to.  We already went over each others histories a bit. 

I let him know,
I understand how you feel and you have every right to close your online account if that is what you want.  You've been at this off and on for a while.  However, you know I haven't ever really dated and while I hope to find something long term eventually you need to understand I need this experience right now.  I am looking for a relationship to come together easily, unforced.  I do want to see you again, but if my dating other people, and I plan to, bothers you I get that and I understand if it is something you don't want to deal with.

He said he understood and that he finds dating multiple people distracting. As though I should suddenly get his feelings and feel the same way.  I don't.

My thought, okay, great for you.  I don't have that problem and I am looking for that 'distraction' right now.

I told him, again, in different words that I am not ready to go all in after one date but that I was curious about the other facets of his personality.

Then...I think he was trying to play it cool.

Then he said, I don't to want to know about your other dates. 
Okay, I get that (as if I was going to give you a play by play)

Then he messaged me, Is it awful I want your date to be lame?

I LOL'd and said no.  Then I let him know he needed to understand he should not assume that just because I am not available doesn't mean I am on a date.  Sometimes I am not available to date because of plans with friends/family, work, or just wanting time to myself. (I am finding I really like my space, and why wouldn't I?) 
I give the same in return.
And particularly in this case, because this seems to have become complicated, fast, and excuse me back the fuck off, and do you Really not get it?

I said, what if I am at my knitting circle or playing Dungeons and Dragons and you're there wasting your time worrying about something that isn't?

After One day.  That's just...IDK, I can't figure it out.  Needy?  Too fast? Controlling?!!?

Okay, so it's his process but he'd better stop thinking about himself, how he feels, what he wants, what he needs...if I am what he thinks he likes he better pay attention because I am not going to coach him on how to be in my life. Or babysit his fragile feelings.  I am fair and I am honest and I am compassionate but don't require that of me.

I am fair and honest in my intentions.



So, I actually did have a date.  With a Portuguese Cowboy.  Not my knitting circle (I don't know how to knit, I don't knit) and not with my D&D group of Geeks, but I would if I had one.  The Cowboy is a foreman for a dairy.  He drove and Hour to meet me.  I was thinking, I have never met a Portuguese Cowboy this should be interesting.  And it was.  And that was all.

He's a Cowboy.  He's nice, a speed talker, has country song drama, and is so polar opposite from me I let him know right away we wouldn't have a date again.  He appreciated it as he is a blunt person as well (I am only in practice though) and we then proceeded to have a great time.

When it was over I was ready to go and that was it.  I messaged Don.  Then thought maybe I should call, just make sure he understood what I had messaged and respected my choices and needs and that if that wasn't cool with him we could wish each other well.  He pushed me to voicemail.

I figured, okay, that's it.  Probably for the best.  Then he messaged me a bit later and let me know he was with family having dinner and he'd get back to me.

He did.  He was cooooooool.  Nice, normal...cooooooool.  He said, Oh yeah, I get it LOL I'm looking forward to getting to know yo still, I'm glad you are too.  I understand your choice, I just find it distracting to mulit-date, blah blah blah.  Well, I'm going to let you let go so we can get some sleep...playing it cooooool.  What does tomorrow look like, are you available?  Cooooool, I'll message you tomorrow.  Goodnight.

Bullshit

A tale of his prankster game:, when he wasn't into some girl that kept on and on messaging him, he messed with her.  I mean he so he fucked with her.  I am saying it that way because that is Exactly what he did.

He started to play it off that he was Big Black man instead of the tall white guy he'd made his profile out to be because it was hard for him to find petite white women to date, and he's always had a problem dating small white women because they worried about being intimate with him.  She followed along...kind of flirty (his story and it's believable, I have heard stories from men and women about online dating).  He offered to send her a pic.  He said while messaging her he was searching for pictures of large African American penis.  The first picture she still played along.  The second he never heard from her again.

Mission accomplished.

Coooooool.

I think he doesn't realize that I [am] interested in getting to know him.  That he's a top contender.  Attractive to me (and I am surprised by it), funny, easy to be around...until today. 

I don't like having to coach someone on how to be in my life, particularly Right Away.  Worry about who you are to me, not who else I might date.  That's how you'll make me fall for you.  Or if my dating other people bothers you, after we've only known each other for one day, no harm no foul.

As I walked back to my bedroom to get ready for bed I had a realization, quickly, just seconds after talking to his coooooool self and after talking to him off and on all day today.


He really doesn't get me, he just decided to Claim me.

I think he's being cooooooool.  I think he is going to spend more time and energy trying to get prank-like revenge than focus on actually listening to what I have said and hearing that I [am] interested in getting to know him.

He's a fool.

Sadly, since I haven't gotten that chance I am totally not invested in him.  When he'd put my call to voicemail I thought, 'Oh well, the Universe and God have taken that one out of the picture.  I'm good with that.'

I'd told him about the Portuguese Cowboy date because he'd asked if my date was over.  I said yes!  For a while now.  He was surprised I was home.  I explained I didn't think it was going to be any thing anyway.  He said Why did you go on the date then?  I explained my POV was this; I have never met a Portuguese Cowboy before. 

I'm sure in his self absorbed version of our getting to know each other I just went out with the guy, and not appreciate that he, Don, is focusing on getting to know me, to just get a free drink and dinner.

I paid for the meeting.  The Cowboy got up to use the restroom and I paid for our drinks and appetizer. 
He drove an Hour, in a gas guzzling Duelie (big truck for hauling horse trailers) after a long day.  Of course I treated him.  To his Horror.  He said a woman had never paid for him before. He didn't like it but he was gracious and a gentleman about it.

No one has to agree with my choice, in particular Don (not a fan of his name btw).  I have been honest and forthright to the point of being blunt regarding my intentions so there is No misunderstanding.

I think Don fucked himself in regard to me.


I am not out to limit myself.  I am out to test myself.  Put myself out there, see if my boundaries are good and learn from my mistakes.  To meet people, take a chance on someone I might not consider otherwise (Like Don) and maybe surprised or meet a man I end up having a happy life with. 

I think talking this out with Don more than one time was a mistake.  I think seeing him again would be a mistake.  I'll think about it a bit more and decide how to respond to these feelings tomorrow.

One day, two 'dates', what the hell is wrong with men?  He's the second one to decided that's it, she's the one! 

Like John, wanted me but didn't want to treat me the way I deserved to be treated (I mean this in the purest sense of truth).

My feelings for him changed me.  His lack of ability crushed me, I set myself up for that.  But my feelings for him and our life together and his death changed me.

Don placed himself in a very bad position.  I doubt he'll see it that way though.  

First Impression of Online Dating

It requires people to lower their standards, or be so awed by someone that is relatively normal it can make that person seem a little too eager, possibly even crazy.

I have found of the men that have contacted me I am most impressed by those that can form complete sentences and spell well enough.  Grammar errors are common and sometimes I watch to see if they are consistent or if maybe cell phone keypad madness was the problem.  Errors such as there, their, and they're...well, you have to let some things go for the moment.  I can't think of the other cringe-worthy example, it is a way of saying something, that just drives me nuts (something like, I done the housework)...rains heavily on a spark of interest.

I am frustrated by how damn lazy so many of these guys are.  One worded answers, or simply an answer to a question, no question in return.  I'd like to point out, they have contacted Me.  My instincts say they want me to lead, to move the conversation along...

I delete their message thread and move on to a man that has a brain and some balls.

They will message me again with something that leads nowhere, it literally requires me to inquire after them first.  Don't think I am being nasty here, I check to see if it was indeed what I thought, it is.  Simple blah answer, no follow through.  Then later another greeting like the one before.  Good morning! Good morning, how are you? Good.  *later* So what are you up to? I just left work and I am going to my friends to bbq.  How was your day?  What are you up to? Good.
  

What I also find irritating is some want my number, I mean right away.  We haven't exchanged names.  I know really Nothing about them at all as we haven't said anything that makes me think, 'I'd like to give this man my cell number, maybe txt and talk to him.'

With one I said that I would prefer to get to know each other a little better, tell me about yourself.  He said it would be easier than messaging on the dating site.

Well, I wasn't that interested in you anyway.

There are a few I am willing to get to know if they don't do something that just kills it dead in the middle of the road and then sest it fire to make sure it is in fact Dead.

I am trying to be open to personality as opposed to just attraction factor.  I met someone on a 'date' yesterday and the moment he asked me if I'd like to meet just the planning of it instantly became complicated.

Finally we decided to meet at a Mexican restaurant a fair split between the two of us.  He's my height, and I usually prefer tall men.  I liked our exchanges though and I wanted to see what kind of person I was now and how I would respond to meeting someone outside of my usual attraction parameters. I have dated men my height 5'8" and had a great time and really liked them.  My last memory of that though is my ex-husband and I was never attracted to him so it was awful.

He's attractive!  I didn't find myself picking him apart. I looked at his face and body language and listened to him.  We sat down and chatted a bit, gave the order.  Then the chips and salsa hit the table.  And he picked up a chip and moved it toward my face.

Oh yes he did.  I made a clear indication that was not okay with me, I was clearly uncomfortable.  Feeding someone is when you're a couple, at dinner and sharing a meal maybe...or ideally after sex and someone decides ice cream is going to happen and you maybe spoon it to each other.  It is an act of comfort and familiarity.  Not a first meet and greet.

He said it was about trust.  Weird!  I chomped on it an gave him a scathing look he misinterpreted as 'I agree' and told him trust isn't just handed out and that was weird.

And he did it again a few minutes later.  OMG

So I glossed over it and let him talk.  He really liked to talk about himself, he is pretty great guy. Yep.  Then we played I'll ask you a question, you ask me a question.  Nothing like being on the spot when your brain is fried from being force fed chips and salsa.  He slipped in 'grannie panties or thong?'  I said neither.  I'd like to indicate now that the picture of him forming in my head was not a good one.

After the date he took a while in the bathroom and I waited for him outside of the restaurant grateful I could message my friend I'd be on my way to her house for the Sunday bbq that seems to be a thing every Sunday now.

He came out after what seemed a long time.  I think he'd been giving himself a pep-talk in the mirror, and wanted to hold my hand.  I didn't love it.  Then at my car he moved in front of me, put his arms around me and moved in for a kiss.

'Holy Shit!' my mind screamed as my hands came up and I pulled back.  He didn't want the date to end.  I wanted to get in my car and leave, NOW.

Thank you God for Sunday bbq.  He kept letting me know he'd be available for me to message him, when he'd be available, calling over his shoulder for me to message him when I was done.

He messaged me at 9:15 I was almost home.  How was the bbq.

I messaged back it was great.  Tons of food, friends, laughter.

good

Then he called me.  He was just so freaking weird.  Mumbling.  Was I okay, He was looking forward to seeing me again.  Oh, his idea for a second date was a movie and then making dinner at his place or mine.  I let him know that under no circumstance was having a stranger to my home, period.

I felt like I was on a forth date (the first meeting) and planning the fifth with implied sex for dessert!

Of course I let him know today I felt another date was nothing we should pursue.


Another guy...messaged me, I checked his profile and knew instantly I couldn't even come close to pretending I'd want to meet him or talk to him.  Within seconds of his first message he sent a second saying, that was a fast rejection.

Okayyyyyyyy.

I am finding this to be not my thing... They few I am interested in don't seem interested in pursuing me in any real way.  That's cool in the sense that if they are not I am not offended, but the hot and cold thing, or worse the lukewarm thing...

I am ready to message my friend in Iowa (an actual Man) and ask him wth is wrong with his species.

I don't think I will last a week on this site. It has only been a few days.

Did I forget to mention the 28 year old graveyard-shift-medical-cute-Asian-Boy that is MILFing on me?  He is ten years older than my son.  Seriously?  He's just sweet and chatty and thinks I am gorgeous.  Gee thanks Eddie Haskell, I don't think so.

I know I sound like a bitch, but, damn, just DAMN.  I am not kidding.  These are big and glaring and frantically waving red flag men.

I am being kind and not including the one word 'compliments'.  Sexy.  Daaaaaamnnnnn. Sweetie! Nice!

I had one guy send me several messages doing my talking for me, I never responded.  That was interesting.

Another guy said my profile was Wordy.  I looked at his.  I kid you now, twice as long as mind and he hates Everything, especially women and he is Gross.  Jaba the Hutt Gross!

I don't want to be some guys Mom, I am a MOM to my sons Only.  I don't want to lead the 'courtship', he should.  Lazy men make lazy partners/lovers/everything. 

I am in a vacuum.

Phonetic

Last night I made a light shrimp and pasta dinner with a delicate Chardonnay.  I actually drank a glass with my dinner.  It's not that I don't like wine.  I just don't love wine.  Perhaps I am flawed.  It seems everyone in my age group and a little older here in California just Love their wine and Harley's.  I like motorcycles.  I am not a, 'Ohhhh, he has a Harley, I must land that Man!'  I say this because, well, I hear something along those lines a lot.

So, I drank some wine last night.  Wine has a way of relaxing me instantly.  In fact, I get a little too relaxed.  It is nearly a date-rape kind of relaxed.  I am usually very tired after I drink wine. 

I drank some wine last night and I wasn't Torchwood, but it was on and doing that 'next episode in 20 seconds' thing that I love, and I was online.

I, with wine-induced-impulsiveness, put myself on a dating site. 

First impression... not as horrible as I expected, yet.  And...some guys are just painfully Dumb.

One guy is the (essentially) one word messager. 
Hello. 
~Hello. 
Good?
My name is Eu.
(after a rather long delay I reply)
~Is that Phonetic?
(he waited a while)
What does that mean?

Yes, he, did.

I explained it to him. 

Yes (he replied) It means strength.
(I looked it up and found no reference to strength but it is a symbol on the periodic table)
~What language is your name in?  I looked it up.  I found it means Well, Good in the Greek.  It is also the symbol for the chemical element europium. So is your name pronounced Ew?

Am I a Bitch for finding this entertaining?  I am.  I am sort of being a Bitch.

I have had inboxes that say:
Daaaaaamn!
Gorgeous :)
Hi
Hello

Really?  Is this why I haven't been approached in Real Life?

I think three men were able to form a coherent sentence. 

One guy had the nerve to tell me I wrote a lot of Words.  I check his profile.  I'd almost like to copy and post it here.  I'm wordy?!!?  He went on an on revealing what sarcastic woman hater he was. 

It's fascinating.

For now I like that I can just delete or block anyone that is ridiculously proving themselves to be a penis head.  Or simply ignore them. 

Is no one capable of having a conversation anymore?  I think that might actually be a serious turn on for me.

And the profiles men put up!  The pictures of themselves they choose.

They need help...

A lot of professional help.

A Taste

Walking through the veil
I see a long stretch of sand
I see a long stretch of sky
I see a long stretch of ocean
Fading past my ablity
To see past the veil

Movements in the mist
Just shapes in the bowl
Every step forward
Seems as though I stand
Without moving

All around me, water in the air
All around me
All around me is the sound
of the future surging
All around me

My mouth is filled
With the soft flavor
of wine
A taste of you
Rolls over my tongue

I would keep my lips closed over it
I would keep my mouth still
Until I can open it to you
A taste, a feast of the palate

My Boo Is A Fool

I don't look like my foolish, skittish cat...I suddenly realized our personalities might be reflective of each other just a moment ago.

My Boo (no, I did not choose this name but it stuck in that sucky way sucky things will) is a special case.  He's a feral rescue from my ex-mother-in-laws back yard.  He was the only one that didn't run away.  Standard black, yellow-eyed cat.  She named him Boo.  I tend to call him Isaboo (which is a blending of 'He's A Boo Kitty').  He's the most expensive pet I have ever been graced with.  I allowed myself to be manipulated into capturing him because my oldest son loves animals.  I was hoping Boo would choose him to be his person.

This did not happen.  I became his person.  Yay.  He's a head-case.  He's terrified of plastic bags making noise.  He doesn't like toys with catnip.  He plays with fishing line tied into a whisker shape.  And sometimes a little mouse toy.  His favorite place for the mouse is the toilet or his water dish.  Ohhhhh to be inside his mind...

So how am I comparing myself to the Foolish Boo?  Honestly, now I don't know.  I'd felt upon starting this it would be a good lead in to my own foolishness at this time in my my life.  Thought, hopefully not deed.

But why not?  Why in thought but not deed?

My sons have been gone for two weeks now?  I checked the calender.  I honestly can't remember when they left with their father exactly.  Just before the first of July.  They'll be returned to me the first of August. 

The first week I cleaned.  I've been over to a friends twice for bbq, to Monterey/Pacific Grove for my first over-night with a girl friend.  I've enjoyed this time, thus far, simply not having to manage anyone but myself.

My home has stayed clean, I go to work, I come home and it is quiet, I watch what I want to watch, I'm not listening to or watching Japanese Anime cartoons.  I don't have the pressure of feeding two teen aged boys.  I can come and go as I please with out concern for my sons.

Last night was the first night in my month of freedom where I felt like a pathetic loser.  It was bound to happen.  The home is clean, I have had a few pleasant distractions mentioned above.  I am not wandering from room to room with no purpose because I am finally relaxed enough knowing I don't have to manage anyone but myself.  Yesterday I finished with work early.  Avoiding a late afternoon quick appointment, instead booking her for this afternoon (she'll be my only client today).  My rationalization for this was at least I would shower and get out today.  Otherwise I can picture myself watching a series or two on Netflix and Hulu and not getting off of my couch.

There is nothing wrong with being unwashed and doing nothing, but yesterday I felt a little like a social reject and figured I should set myself up to be forced to get out and do something, rather than allow that feeling to sink in and become a defining characteristic.

So yesterday.  I was cute!  My hair was done.  My eyeliner looked good.  Yes, this is an accomplishment when one applies a cat-eye.  There can be nothing more frustrating in make-up application than a cat-eye.  I smelled nice.  I was wearing a feminine and flowing sort of dress that complimented my build and coloring.

Yep, all for nothing.  I am finding myself more than a little concerned that I don't seem to get noticed.  That I haven't been so much as approached in any way.  I have mentioned this before, this sense that something is blocking me from any opportunity to even give out my number. 

I think this is residual angst from Monday.  Monday I was grumpy and frustrated.  My client CarolAnne, the terrible/nasty/heat crazed aggressive drivers, every freak'n red light... and my not practicing holding at least four second eye contact with an attractive fire-fighter.  Still feeling that even now...

So yesterday afternoon I am off work and I come home and hit the couch and watch TV.  And that is it.  Sitting there watching TV, cat nap one, maybe cat nap two.  Life moving and surging outside my home.  People interacting and living their lives, and I sit.

The other night I could have gone out.  I had plans to meet my friend and maybe listen to some bands or a blues band in another venue...she flaked out.  So I flaked out.  In another time in my past I would have just gone anyway.  Where is that person?

I'll go to lunch by myself, I'll go shopping or just wandering by myself.  Why couldn't I leave my home and go to a local venue and listen to music by myself?  This nagging thought won't leave me.

I think I am terrified someone might talk to me, or someone (anyone) might not.  Or perhaps I'll get tangled up in the little dramas of the culture of the past that still exist in the neighborhood I planned to go to.  I Need a buffer I suppose.

So yesterday afternoon I landed on my couch and didn't leave my home and I felt so damn lonely.  I am past the whole hormonal thing so that isn't an excuse.  I felt lonely, bored, tired of my own company.

In those moments in a single persons life, My single persons life, I feel impulsive and craving and daring.  I'll feel at times I want to be alone, left alone.  Other times I will miss deeply any kind of intimacy that becomes familiar.  And last night, I just felt like a pathetic outcast not worthy of anyone the company of.  Yes, I even cried. 

I've been seriously considering dating.  I often think, lately, I am ready to start.  How does a person start dating in this world?  I get so many thoughts on this subject.  Online.  Oh, hell no! Not online! Going out.  Do Not Meet Someone in a Bar.  Take up a sport.  *insert laughter*  In order for me to take up a 'sport' or similarly defined interest I do sort of need a person that will trigger that.  Meaning, I need my ass kicked or influenced in that regard.  Let's go!  Okay!  Why can't I be that person in my own mind?

I have gotten used to being at home.  Being a Mom, (having been) a girlfriend, relaxed familiar routine.  Yes, I get out a little.  Yes when I am out I will do things.  In fact when I am out I often wish I was with someone that wants to go.  Go and keep going.  I feel that.  Once I am out I want to keep moving, keep exploring, take chances.  It is there in me, I realize it has to come from me.  How do I find her?

How and when will I find her?

I'm tired of being 'Mom'.  Not of being a Mom, or being my sons Mom.  I love it.  I'm tired of being so narrow in my life.  Of perhaps being narrow in my own mind. 

Is that what being an adult is?  A narrowing of self-definition?  Is this why mid-life crisis happens?  Am I on the verge of that?

I always wanted to be more alive than that, than finding myself on that mundane path.  I always wanted to be more like Maude in Harold and Maude. 

Sometimes I find this line of thinking little entertaining, a little philosophical.   Sometimes I feel trapped in its definitions.  Sometimes I feel desperate to break away, or to accept, or to give myself a break and be kind to myself.  To remind myself of who and what I am and where I am despite it all.

Last night my friend messaged me.  The double vibrate alert made me feel less like a pathetic loser.  My friend sent me a meme that enabled me to feel less the pathetic loser and more the hopeful optimist I steer myself toward.  It was a Chinese Parable about a red thread connecting one person to the other that is fated to be their other half, or something like that.  She asked me how I was doing, mentioned she'd monopolized our friendship with her troubles... and I let her know I'd been feeling weepy, sorry for myself.  She said I have been very strong.  I am not sure what that means.  

I understand in this month on my own I will have those highs and lows.  Last night just had me wondering if this is it?  My only answer to that was not wanting it to be and the knowledge that life is a mean bitch that delights in keeping us off balance even when we are frustrated with the status quo. 

Bitch-life has been cruel to another friend of mine.  It seemed she finally gave her the good stuff.  Her life was becoming beautiful.  Until two months ago.

Right when I feel ready to move forward I am reminded that to do so can be awful and heartbreaking.

I question, am I ready to field those plays?  I'm not so sure I am in shape. 

If I go on a dating site I think the creeps will just creep me out and leave me jaded.  Or, maybe it would be fun to practice rejecting creepy guys.  Then I think, it's not the creepy guys that are the problem, it's the manipulators.  The ones that perform their act beautifully while compartmentalizing their dark and disturbing true selves. 

One friend in love with a man that can only sabotage and control and demean.  The man just can't be even a little mutual.  There are so many echos of what my life was like with John it has actually helped me process the last decade of my life, and his death, and my life moving forward little by little.
Another friend suffering the loss of what she, and everyone else believed, was her beautiful life.  Her husband so compartmentalized and so devious and broken he's destroying everything she'd built for herself.  Now she has to rebuild her life, herself again.

So yes, my mind questions.  Is it worth it?  Maybe I am not ready!  Besides...say I do meet someone? If I am not a loser magnet anymore (hey, I dare to dream) I have no idea how I will respond in my psyche in a relationship.  Did John hurt me for a time?  Or did he damage me and leave scars that will impede my ability to trust and have intimacy again?  Because of him, my toxic family... am I just damaged now?  I'm not happy with that thought.  I mean, seriously, that line of thinking really sucks.  I can't accept that I might be broken.  I won't.  I believed I have changed and I have to believe it is for the better.

I have two other examples I look at.  Two men that have moved on from broken partnerships and failures and found happiness.   

Then I feel that darkness start to form in my mind, the thought that maybe I have lost that time in my life to find it.  Then that voice that says,

'Is this really all you think about?  How sad.  How silly you are.  Can't you find something else to consider?  How about fixing your life?  How about that you stupid silly girl?'

So, I guess sitting around and thinking isn't really working for me.  Yet, sometimes this can not be avoided.

I could use a pleasant distraction.

I need to get my head out of the darker clouds and get over myself. 

A Little Bit of Everything

I had my first girl friend overnight trip to the coast last Friday night.  We had a great dinner at the Monterey Fish House.  Horrible drinks at the Mucky Duck in down town Monterey.  The crowd was very ecclectic and there was a beautiful man at the bar I am grateful my back was to him.  We stayed over night in Asilomar.  There are amazing accommodations there at great prices considering you can take a short walk to the beach.  It's not crowded and te he sand is clean and white and smooth.  This is not overly common for Central California beaches.  A side note: Northern California beaches have black sand.  Growing up in Southern California I was used to soft white sand beaches that would get so hot in summer the sand would make a zipper sound when you'd walk on it and it could get hot enough to blister the bottom of your feet.

On Saturday we checked out some great thrift shops in Pacific Grove, then spent a few hours in Capitola, about a 45+ minute drive away from Pacific Grove. 

Friday I let John's ashes go.  My friend was there so I I didn't say what I would have liked to say.  I was stilted and awkward.  I'd been thinking them in a very clear way for days though, and I said what was most important.

You see, John always...every time we went to Monterey, he'd say he wanted to jump into the dark black water of the bay our favorite hotel was built over.  There and the pier of Fisherman's Warf.  I didn't feel the intimacy of the moment would translate at the Warf.  Our hotel was where he'd seem so clear in his intent he'd nearly climb  the railing of the balcony.  I opened the small container and let him drift down onto the the seaweed floating and the water gently surging below.  While the water birds watched, a few flying low over the water, their wings slapping the water.  I said, "You always wanted to jump off here...now you have."

I haven't had a very clear reaction to this moment.  I'm honestly not sure I will.  This moment has been a long time in my thoughts.  This moment was waited for, and couldn't be waited for any longer.  There is closure.  Closure in the sense that I've let go of a physical part of him I was holding onto.  I think my regret is that the moment wasn't as private or moving as perhaps it could have been.  But then, neither was our relationship.  I think maybe he's glad, if he has any knowledge of that moment of my letting go of my possession of him.  I think it might have bothered him.  Yet, he could be sentimental so I can't really know.

Shopping in Pacific Grove I bought a really lovely white skirt, very feminine.  I bought a framed print.  I very much wanted two others but didn't want to spend $50.  A man walked by a patio where my friend and I were taking a break over a beer and some chips and salsa, bag in arm, my lovely prints back to back over the top of the bag...they were not meant to be mine.

I'd lost my bank card Friday.  The last I remember using it was earlier in the day filling up my gas tank.  It's a good thing my friend was okay to cover the little things.  I wrote her a check.  Friday night I'd called in my card to close it down and order a new one.  Target Red Debit card and the bank are my only access points to funds and necessities.  No fraud.  I am grateful.


My life is quiet.  Peaceful.  My sons are away for the first time ever until August 1st.  It will be a month they've been away.  Before this the longest they've been gone from me was the week in December.  I've spent most of my time at home.  I have really enjoyed just having the space.  I cleaned the first week.  It's stayed clean.  It's nice!  I do miss them so much, but I am trying to appreciate this alone time.

My friends boyfriend asked me, "Your sons are gone for a month and you aren't living it up and partying?"

Should I be?  I suppose I could go out, live it up, hook up...that's just not what I want.  I miss intimacy, and companionship, but not enough to go fishing for it.  Sometimes I think I am ready to start dating, but where does one start?  I could start online...but...I'm not sure I am prepared or equipped to tolerate the creepy guy factor.  I'm concerned those guys would overwhelm my experience and sour it.  I'm not into going to bars and when I do I tend to focus on my friends and not any guy that might be there.

That doesn't matter anyway as I am not approached anyway so it is getting easier to feel relaxed internally in those environments.  I still feel like something makes me invisible to men's interest.

I am cute by the way.  I have a male friend he said I am stunningly beautiful.  He lives in Iowa, so his opinion might be skewed.   I've been working on the eye contact thing.  Smiling.  I'm not very good at it.  I'm not the 'look at the floor' type, but I do tend to let my eyes drift past a person.

I wish I'd smiled a bit more obviously at a fireman shopping at the grocery store yesterday.  I was with my friend/client CarolAnne.  I didn't have it in me today, which really sucks because I find myself wishing I hadn't been so deep down irritable at the time.  My emotions were like static.  Every irritating person in the city was driving today.  I am not being a judgy bitch.  These people were randomly braking, swerving, slow, or cutting me off.  Looking at their cell phones.  In the grocery store CarolAnne was rather frustrating to shop with today, probably because I was already tense and had my own errands to tend to today.

I am not hormonal.  I think I'm just tense.  Probably from lack of sex!  I miss that mellow, easy feeling deep down.  That light and generally positive feeling I have when I get to have sex, at all!

Oh well.  It's not worth some random, indiscriminate encounter to gain a little post sex smile on my face.

I'm concerned, to be honest.  Concerned over what little ghosts will appear if I do find myself spending time with a man I begin to like.  How much damage did John do?  How deep are the scars? 

This is the first time in my life I am taking time for myself.  I'm sure that my uncertainty is telling.  I'm just not ready.

But I do wish I'd held that fireman's attention longer, smiled slowly at him.  Instead I turned my focus back to CarolAnne.

The other night I was in the place, between sleep and dreaming.  It felt as though someone was laying on top of me, kissing my neck.  I could feel the weight and detail of his body.  I swear I was responding as though it was real.  It felt so, so real.  It lasted a few minutes, then I suppose I fell asleep.  I think I was trying too hard to capture that moment, to feel it more, to extend it out and make it last...

I'm afraid to date.  Not just because I worry about my little ghosts appearing but because two of my friends are having a horrible time with the men in their lives.  One has so many echos of John it actually helps me to process my relationship with him.  The other...well, I have to say.  I am finding myself disillusioned.  She was one of three people I felt the Universe was finally giving back to.  The only female of the three.  Her marriage is over and in a terrible way.  A way that will cause her to not trust herself.  She had every right to believe her life was beautiful.  It was, until she found out two months ago her husband has been, and was long before her, a man with some deep issues.  Everyone loved him.  She'd been guarded, her children also took a long time to let him in.  I think he believed he could manage his life on many different levels and continue as such.  It's a terrible, terrible thing that has happened to her.  After all she's been through...

Her situation raises my fears to the surface.  My feeling of readiness to open myself up again to anything again is now put aside again.  It seems too much a risk to take.