Going Backwards

Without negating myself I have put myself in your place every time I have a concern.  Each and every time it comes down to this...you are spreading yourself too thin.

My mind inevitably sees a man that pursued me with confidence and consistency until you accomplished the simple goal of calling me your girlfriend in a short four months after meeting you.  I still often refer to you as the guy I'm seeing/boyfriend sort of.  I see a man that sees only through is eyes, but doesn't see me.  You do considerate things when you are not with me and want me to acknowledge what a good boyfriend you are before I get the chance to do it on my own.  You want me to be patient and understanding when you fall short of promise or expectation given.  You say you love me, a lot.  Well, admittedly you've dropped off in the last couple of days.  You said you were worried you felt more strongly for me that I do for you because I don't say it.  You admit that I do show it and that you have never been treated better, ever. 

Thanks for the used vinyl.  Thanks for new. It really makes up for the time you don't invest in me, with me.  

I do not thank you for the times you've given me an expectation and then changed the plan leaving me with so much less than I deserve.  You acknowledge it.  You accept that I am probably angry, but you hope not too much.  How could I complain?  We don't have enough time to even address it without me looking like a shrew.

I like to make sure I know where my feelings are coming from before I put them forward.  A few times I have dealt with my own issue quietly without including or inflicting my feelings on you.  Unfortunately, for the last month or so,  we are just going backwards.  All the things that put you in front of me, mainly you and your drive and effort, aren't there anymore.  Those little things that seem to be other forces bringing people together are disbanding.  I continue to respect you.  I am patient when I could be within relationship rights and be a total twunt but I have no interest in putting forth that kind of effort.  You are slacking and expecting me to make a lot out of a little... ... ... and the old me flickers and wants to start me on that path of building something out of almost nothing.  However, she flickers, like deaths last struggled breaths to hold onto its dysfunctional life.  The new me just won't do it.

I am so interested in wasting my time. 


A man, a woman...we are the sum of our actions.  Words mean nothing.  You moved fast and I am watching you respond to your inner demons with no self check, no thought.  I am seeing a man that lacks confidence.  That supposes he can heal a thing that is falling down with patch-work fixes and empty words.

You're spread too thin and for all the I love you's you don't Really want to do the work.

Focus on your daughter.  She's 17 and probably still needs you and her mom.  Focus on dealing with your most recent past mistakes that you are still actually paying for.  Focus on getting a stable home of your own when you are done paying for the one you signed a contract on and are paying for but not living in.  Focus on the final ending of that relationship and getting out of your parents house (even if you only camp there when you are briefly in town).  Focus on your new advancement at work and buy records for just yourself and let me buy my own.  Then you only owe yourself gratitude. Focus on your professional success and stability, then maybe you can find time to add someone to your life.

I find it interesting that you are surrounded by people who want to see you happy.  Who warned me not to hurt you.  No one warned you not to hurt me...
How could you?  You're the nice guy right?  You just can't understand...after-all, you bought me records, you'd text and call.  You'd tag me on Facebook.  You bought Interpol tickets for San Francisco.  Happy Valentines Day Babe.  Or was that happy birthday?  The show is after Valentines, and way before my birthday, but yeah...Thanks Babe.  I won't go into how your turn yourself inside out the second your daughter stands up and you helicopter her to the point of her getting short with you.  And PLEASE don't get me wrong.  I respect you as a father!  I really like your daughter.  She's a really neat kid and I like her despite your behavior.  But again...maybe you should just focus on her, your career, and getting your own place.

My conflict...

I met a really nice guy (or so it seemed) and that's so new to me.  Am I being frustrated by the new job, less time, and his dedication to his daughter?  Would I be putting off a really kind man out of my life and self-sabotaging?

So I think... ...

Today I met a friend, a very loose friend, for coffee.  He was the first person I met when I moved to this part of California in '89/'90.  He was my 'boyfriend' when I'd come to the city with my grandparents every weekend while they were helping my grandmother's sister with their mother as she convalesced in my great aunt's home.  It was short lived and we were mostly friends.  We moved in far different directions and it was interesting catching up on the last 25 years.  We talked for four hours.  He's done so much in that stretch of time and he's a bit self absorbed but his stories are good.  All over the US.  All over the world.  Always doing something along with his military career.  He'll retire Lieutenant Cornell in four years.  He will go to Germany and be dad to his two youngest and he has plans within schemes within plans.

He is only interested in what's fun and if it ain't fun he ain't doin it.  He's undecided about relationships.  He thinks I am bored.  I might be.

I think I am focused where I have always been focused.  I have two boys.  One almost ready to graduate with no plan and one a freshman.  I'd like to see them move into their lives.  I envy my friends freedom in knowing that the mother's of his children are doing a good job and giving him the freedom to pursue whatever it is he decides he'll pursue...mainly his military career.

He said I have always been blunt, something another male friend said to me (of close to the same many years of knowing each other).  He also said I was aloof.  One friend said I was the same old (insert my name)...living in the moment.

This moment is what it is.  I can't invest in someone that doesn't know what he wants, or someone that is nice but inevitably leaves someone (me) behind as he tries to make everyone happy...and feels secure enough to expect me to be patient and understanding.  Hell, grateful, somehow for his being in my life.

My conclusion today...relationships are complicated and I find men in general have no idea what is going on, and frequently don't want to know as long as things flow their way.

   
 

Rapunzel, Rapunzel...Let Down Your Hair. No.

What would you be willing to do
To gain my heart and make me come to you
What would you be willing to do
To hear me sigh your name while I say I love you
What would you be willing to do
To get closer to the core of me where I smolder and burn
What would you be willing to do
To thaw what encases me that I fall into your arms

The best possible time is now.  Your eyes burn with wanting to break the code
You have my attention, my questioning mind
You are getting my response

Such a fast learner, like your life depended on it.

Like your life depended on it.

Oh Dear wouldn't you be willing to hear me when I say
I don't care what you say
I'm paying attention to you with my questioning mind.
My response was a flood tempered by smooth and unbreakable walls
I let you see the smolder and burn
I let you hear the sigh
I paced your course on the waters

I gave you the code.

And though you are kind.  And though you say you love me
And though you try with burning eyes when you touch me
And though you strive your passion fractures as an arrow caught by wind


I see you slipping your grip
My feeling comes and goes
Because you miss opportunities to add heat to the thawing ice

Now I am dropping lines in the water where you flounder
Hoping to recapture the passion you cast my way
The passion you don't sense is missing the mark

What would you change if you become complacent.

Don't let me down.  Please let me down.  Don't let me down
Don't be complacent
I'll be lost to you
And I will feel as though I failed something not meant to be mine

The Sweet Life

I sit here thinking, how could I speak to what is in my mind?
I am not as well spoken as he is.  My voice trips over itself and I stub my tongue on the stones of my teeth.
I am not as delicate as she is with prose fragile feelings and empathy.  My mental fingers grasp and fumble and shatter beautiful things.
I am not as blunt, as honest, as true as those two opposite sides of the coin.  The woman that feels she is selling herself and the man that would pay any price to let her know she is precious.
I lie to myself.  I hide my truths under translucent blankets that don't cover my feet or my face or my shoulders.  I am so fucking vulnerable and my words have become anorexic.  Thin and malnourished.
I have forgotten how to read and never knew how to write or speak, even after those remedial classes.
I have taken to listening to others words, viewing others minds and art, feeling others feelings.
I use them to define my own.  I use them to validate myself, to anchor my raft on unsettled and rolling waters.  Everything touches me.  Everything moves me.
So I set myself apart.  I did this a long time ago.  My little slip set adrift and seeing nothing but the tempest I have never had a reason to come to shore.

I have begun to eat words.  I have begun to feed on art, music.

Well, I suppose I will see what comes of it.  At the moment I am distracted.

Lipstick Weekend

just keep applying and smile
say as little as possible
because lips are pretty but
not always what passes through

over and over
the past would push through
scratching at tenuous contentment
gouging at delicate inner ears

unprepared response
just felt raw
coloring a bright and sunny
perfect day duller

eyes looking out at rain
shined streets, collected puddles
reflecting blue skies and soft drifting
clouds with promise of more rain

just keep applying and smile
looking out the window at
city streets passing traffic
people I wish I could be

would my life be different
if I'd kissed you instead
would my life be
happy and full and blessed

a step slightly more left
or right
and I'd feel the sun on my skin
and maybe not feel this

Akeru and the Question, Always the Question

 

 

(Enough Already)

What am I? 

What have I been up to?  Let's be honest, I've been going with it and not thinking too much.  At least when I am not over-thinking.

I'd like to keep it to just me.  Not Mom me.  Not work me. 

I get out when I can and love it.  I will see a band here and there.  Catch lunch or dinner with a girlfriend.  Drag my sons out with me (I know, no Mom me) to a band, an art showing, a science presentation.  They act like they are doing me a favor and either like it in the end or act like they merely tolerated it while talking about what we saw and did.  I love it.

I've had sex.  Twice.  I'm sort of seeing Matt.  Was that eye rolling I hear?  A quiet groaning dimming the light of the screen?  Or perhaps layered with that the slipping thought of, 'It's about fucking time.'

How was it?  Interesting.  Different.  Confusing.  It's like most things with me, a little running list of pros and cons.

I typed a lot, then erased it...I'm not sure what to say and what not to say.  I suppose lately I have been considering a few things.

-What is intimacy to me now?
-Do I even know what love is?
-Am I even capable or did everything from two years ago burn it out of me?
-Are my hang ups valid?
-Are the hang ups I have telling?

I bought a truly bitch'n pair of heels today.  You know, the 'Heels that can change your life' kind of heels.  Heels that make people turn their heads and watch you with their eyes.  A guy asked me if he could give me his number.  It's flattering to be acknowledged as being pretty.  It's nothing sleazy.  I'd like to point that out.  I've never been turned on by that kind of attention.

Hang up: I don't feel I could wear these heels with Matt because he's barely my height when I am barefoot and it bugs the hell out of me.  But in the end, if he's the most amazing companion, does it fucking matter?!!? No.  It wouldn't bother him either, if I wore them.  But I am not entirely past it and I vacillate between feeling shallow and total acceptance either way.

I have an acquaintance, she was telling me about a few men she's dated.  We're both single Mom's with two kids.  Hers are much younger than mine.  She has this uncanny ability to meet men that are loaded, but crazy or just riddled with problems.  As she was describing these two men she'd met I couldn't help but think about how great Matt is in comparison.  How lucky I am to have met a grown up man I really enjoy spending time with. 

This makes me question what it is I find attractive, what I want, what I have wanted and why.  Am I settling just because he's consistent and nice and good company?  I feel like I am always waiting for the shoe to drop, the rug to be pulled out from under me...whatever expression that follows you like. 

I worry I am not dating enough.  I am not dating at all, except Matt.  This makes me nervous. 

Interestingly I have been spoken to a few times.  Today that man asking me if he could give me his number.  He paid me an incredible compliment.  I gave him my card but I won't meet him...not interested.  The other night seeing a few bands at a local venue, I didn't even know this guy was talking to me at first.  It is that unfamiliar to me to be spoken to when I am out.  Again, not someone I would date.  He's young and he wanted me to 'hang out' with him at his place after the show.  Um, thanks but no. 

I am afraid to commit to someone.  I don't know why.  Matt has said a few times he has fallen for me, that he thinks about me in the long term.  He's said he understands why I am hesitant, that he was in the same place not too long ago.  He lets me know where he is at and lets me have the freedom to be where I am.  His no pressure approach and how easy it is for us to be together makes it so damn easy to want to be around him more. 

My girlfriend asked me if I would go out with someone else if I wanted.  I might.  Then again, I might not.  I'm not comfortable considering meeting someone else for a date considering how much time Matt and I spend together, but then again I am worried I am not holding to my commitment to Date...

My thoughts and my actions are two different things.  I spend time with Matt and enjoy it, and sex isn't the leading factor to our spending time together.  It is just that easy.  I acknowledge my hang ups and concerns and think about them.  I think about a lot of things, positive and negative.  I think and I spend time with Matt and there isn't anyone else catching my attention...and I'm not looking...

I guess those questions never quiet.  I don't trust being in love.  I'm not sure it has served me well in the past.  I don't fully trust love either.  Why would I?  Yet, I want to.

I suppose I have a lot of learning ahead of me.  I don't mind.

I Think Red Velvet Cake is Gross

In my city we have a few terrific bakeries.  My favorite is in an historic section of town and they specialize in cupcakes.  Freaking amazing and delicious cupcakes.  I rarely ever go and I am so very relieved it is not down the street.  My favorite is the Maple Waffles and Bacon cupcake.  Then the Salted Caramel.

I have never had red velvet cake anything that I think is a delight.  It is one of those foods that looks terrific and doesn't deliver.  It's dry.  I also find cream cheese frosting disgusting.


This was a random thought that has nothing to do with my post.

I do like the word Velvet. In the styling of Lloyd of Dumb and Dumber I like the word Velvet Ah Loht.

I am having a really good hair day.  My labs came through as normal.  Ultrasound is next appointment on Thursday at 8:15am.  I thought my period was finished but, I ... well, lets just say it isn't.  I guess things are touchy down below and they'd better get over it because I am not going to live my life this way for much longer.  Stubborn Ginger Attitude rising.

I just spent $300 at Walmart on groceries and a few bathroom supplies for the boys and I.  I am offended with Walmart and myself for my shopping being that much.

This isn't stressful at all considering work is ridiculously slow.  But hey!  I have food in the house and two teenaged boys.  It should last until tomorrow night.

Matt and I are going to his friends reception Saturday.  I have a wedding in a few weeks and I am thinking of bringing him as my plus+one.  Does that mean we are seeing each other?  We text every day.  I think about him a lot.  The things he says, his behavior.  I very much appreciate the things in our lives that slow everything down for us.  Considering all the details I find him to be extremely consistent, positive, aware.  That is really attractive to me.  I still don't know what to do with it all, so I am not doing much but going with the flow.

My sons are balancing out in the lippy and flaky departments.

Everything is fairly peaceful.

Also, I like Doctor Who, my black classic vans, skinny jeans, pretty dresses, and reasons to laugh.

I am sure I like many more things but that's good enough for now. 

Seriously? Seriously?!!?

I have been on my period for 16 days.  Let me tell you, I don't feel any different but for having to change my Tampax two to three times a day, and the light and occasional cramping.  Oh, like a regular period that lasts four days and only one of those actually feels like being on my period.

If you feel this is a bit on the TMI I do not apologize.  I have been to the nurse practitioner, same day I called to report my little problem because Kaiser feels it is important enough to address asap.  This is the first time it has ever happened.  No, no there is no chance I can be pregnant.  Not unless a non-virgin, sterilized by tubal ligation mother of two can experience immaculate conception, or something that approximates it.

I had the pleasure of having a uterine biopsy.  During a uterine biopsy the patient gets to lay in a cold room undressed from the waist down with legs spread, feet supported by these little cold foot holds.  Then the practitioner inserts the speculum.  This opens up the patient.  Not too comfortable but tolerable.  Tolerable because there are these lovely pictures stapled to the ceiling for the patient to focus on.  Then a mini speculum is used to 'stabilize' the cervix.  What a delight!  Let me try to describe it.  Ever had a bad phlebotomist stab your vein with a needle that feels like it is the size of a pencil?  It's kind of like that, but so much more multiplied and INSIDE of you.  Then the biopsy is performed on the uterus.  This was the part I was informed would be very uncomfortable.  I think it was a set up so I wouldn't try to run away when they stabilized my cervix.  The biopsy was a walk in the park on a pleasant day in one of the pictures over my head by comparison.  Then the patient gratefully experiences removal of devices, left to clean themselves up and dress and leave on their own power.  The cramps driving home are a lovely side effect, followed by ibuprofen upon arrival at home.  I do not have the results back yet. It frightens me to know there is little the medical industry can do to detect cancer or other problems, even with a pap test.  Pap doesn't cover ovarian or uterine cancers unless they metastasize to the cervix.  Isn't that a pleasant thing to learn?  After all this, minus probing my butt, I will know without a doubt I am healthy.  I will KNOW it.  Unless I do have cancer.  I wonder if I should try to schedule the butt probing? 

I do have the results back from my scan for varicose veins.  I have varicose veins in my left leg.  No shit.  Now I have a rescheduled consultation with the surgeon.

I have the results back from my hormone panel.  Apparently, and this due to my own research since they didn't provide normal ranges for comparison, I am in normal ranges.


Barbara, the friend I have let go, offered tickets to a Social Distortion show I really wanted to go to explaining to me that we can't ever be close friends again, but we can be show friends.  This is after attacking me for not letting her know that her (at the time) ex-boyfriend text messaged me as he was using me by letting me know she'd been using me in their relationship battles.  I declined politely.  I wanted to say, 'Are you kidding me?  There is no fucking way I want to sit in a car with you for 6-8 hours or enjoy another outing with you to see a favorite band.  She then posted pictures of herself and the boyfriend enjoying the show.  OMG.  She also tagged me on Facebook about shopping in a little thrift store we like.  All after letting me know she'd like me to not text her back and thanks for taking her boyfriends side and being disloyal to her.  Then blocking me for a few hours so I couldn't defend myself or explain Again even if I wanted to.  Which I didn't.

Crazy.

My fourteen year old is really frustrating me.  My 18 year old has been lippy...

I'm tired and I need a road trip to somewhere nice for a few days.

I am broke.  So broke it ain't no joke.

I'll watch Doctor Who until it is time to go to work to do my girlfriends hair color for free, and a clients haircut.  Gotta bring in that $25.

Ah, but something to look forward to.  English Beat at a favorite venue coming soon.  Maybe I can't have a holiday, but I can dance my ass off and pretend my life isn't complicated for a few hours.

Ripples Can Distrupt What Is Reflected

Yesterday, Sunday.  I woke up to the sound and smell of rain.  Hard rain.  It was brief but any rain is welcome in California right now.  The cool heavy feel of moisture in the air was wonderful.  I had a day of no pressure, no worries.  Not really. 

Yet I still felt anxiety.  I could trace the triggers back to Barbara and letting her go and her insultingly crazy behavior.  Her ripples were causing anxiety and the anxiety was reflected onto Matt. 

I find it interesting how selfish we can all be.  How we get so wrapped in our bubbles of narcissistic perception.  How even if we know someone's circumstances we can often read our own issues into their behavior toward us.  I know I can, though, unlike others I have known, I don't inflict and project it onto others.  I try to step back and deal with myself first.  Regardless, I still felt anxiety and it Sucked.

I was doing this Saturday night, much of Sunday.  My feelings and my day were effected by a few text messages. 

Matt would message me and then seem disinterested.  Not his usual consistent self I was accustomed to.  I found myself thinking, why bother messaging me?  One of the things I like about Matt is he communicates.  He'll ask, and he'll listen to the answer.  He'll offer information.  He does this with everyone.  Saturday night I felt he was pulling away and still trying to be polite.  I was thinking, why bother?  Just be straight, or ask if you have something to ask. 

I also considered the things he has going on in his bubble...and left off any sort of confrontation knowing if I let it play out I'd have whatever answer I might need.

I did.  Later in the day he, Diana, and I decided have dinner here at my place.  We had a great night and he mentioned he is struggling with a decision about his living situation pending a possible promotion at work while he's been packing his things and dealing with his living situation.

There you have it.  We all have our little moments that effect our day and how we communicate with others. It's so easy to get lost in our worries and perceptions.

 I am glad I didn't just react outwardly to the triggers of my day or the last couple of days.  I rarely do. I am glad to learn it was just ripples and not my fears and insecurities coming true.

The day ended well.  I made beef stew and Diana, Matt, and his daughter Lizzy came over and my sons and I enjoyed dinner with our friends.

And this ends with a happy realization. 

These new friends are so different from my old relationships.  We laugh, and I find my laughter genuine.  We lingered and we were all sorry to see the evening end.  I haven't had this before, this genuine enjoyment of friends and company. 

Anyway...little steps.  And an interesting lesson in how I can be set back briefly, affected by something unrelated to my life in general.

Therapy

Square One

 Rolling with the punches.  As much as I strive to have a life that is balanced, reasonably balanced, I find that life tends to be a pot on a burner.  Though the setting is low, eventually the water will steam, boil, evaporate.

Am I in hot water?  Honestly, I am not sure I'd know.  Forgive the italics, I've tried to stop them but they persist.

Ive written recently that I am now the grateful but reluctant recipient of Medi-Cal.  I am happy to find that I am healthy and I have an opportunity to avail myself of mental health counseling.  Kaiser is a thorough hospital, in general.  I experienced this with my sons.  I've spoken to an assessment therapist.  She said I was remarkable.  She was impressed that I have done as much work as I have on my own.  That maybe a little therapy would help me get even further.  She also said that considering the trauma I've experienced that maybe I'd benefit from a prescription due to anxiety.  That long term anxiety can alter your brain chemistry and even the smallest trigger can set back progress.  I'm not particularly comfortable being medicated.  She referred me to a psychotherapist as the next step in the assessment process.  

I met with the psychotherapist the other day.  He's East Indian.  I am not sure he really understood what I was saying as I had to continually correct him when he'd repeat certain things back to me.  Perhaps it was a test to see if I would trip up in my own information sharing.  I filled out a form.  He didn't look at it once and asked me all the questions I'd already answered, writing on his little pad laying on his desk.  He had an interesting way of organizing information.  He wrote all over the page and I couldn't make sense of his placement.  I think it was something like 'Oh, here's an open space I can scribble on.'  I was more impressed with the Assessment Therapist.  She was impressive in her ability to follow what I'd told her...people, time line, experiences.

The psychotherapist was actually pleased I didn't want meds.  He referred me to therapy.  He also felt it might help me to talk to someone.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  

I'll be honest.  I am weary of telling the story of my past.  I am feeling as though I am so ready to move on, to move forward, to not carry it anymore.

So the other night I couldn't sleep because the loneliness made itself felt as it sometimes does.  

Now I am exploring the final ending of a toxic friendship.  I am finally ready to let go of someone I have known for many years and I am mourning it a little and I understand how right it is.  

Barbara is just unhealthy.  In general and in particular for me.  It's nice in a way, to come to this place of change in my life.  I don't feel like I have to fix her perception of me.  I don't feel the need to point out her issues to her (I never did but I thought about it).  I don't feel the need to compare myself to her, or hold on anymore.  I do find that I am sad to lose what I thought I had, or wanted.  I do worry that maybe my inability to form strong and lasting relationships indicates a major flaw in my own make up.  Then a quiet voice reminds me that these people I worked so hard to have relationships with were all reflective of each other and that many things in my past can not follow me into whatever future I will find myself in.  I hope I am not being narcissistic.  When I think things through I realize this one truth...all of the truly toxic people that have influenced my life in major ways are now out of my life.  The people that were critical and manipulative and self-serving are not there influencing my life.  These were major people in my life.  My mother, my ex-husband, John, Barbara.  

I confess I feel adrift.  This is something I'd like to talk to my therapist about, when I see him.  Is this normal?  I have a few new, tentative friends.  

I'll confess something else.  I am realizing I have trust issues.  I only let people so far in now.  I have been betrayed and abandoned by people that are supposed to be the ones I am supposed to trust and be able to rely on.  I am experiencing anxiety in these new friendships.  Cindy and I are kind and considerate and and building a decent friendship.  However, our family dynamics are so different.  She's married with three small children and our schedules keep us from building a strong friendship. I worry maybe I am not putting enough effort in?  Diana...this one is very tentative and we are very different.  She's very intelligent and a hard worker but is supported by her parents in her late 40's and she isn't a parent and she can be very judgmental and sensitive so I am a little afraid of her as we have had some problems already.  But I laugh with her and we seem to have worked past a few things.  She is also obese and kind of angry and insecure and I worry she might harbor some resentment toward me and probably feels that I am wasting what I do have to work with but when we talk about why we make certain decisions we do empathize with each other.  Matt.  He's a hard one.  I like him and I like spending time with him.  But he Likes me.  I haven't slept with him as I struggle with my attraction and my lack of attraction to him.  I feel I am seeing more and more in regard to his personality.  He isn't good at being alone I think.  His recent time-line on relationships doesn't fill me with confidence in regard to maybe choosing to cross that line with him and that is altering the things I find attractive about him.  I was attracted to his confidence, and his ability to read me...people, his empathy.  Namely his personality.  But he doesn't take time between relationships and I feel maybe he is getting bored and resentful that his being nice to me isn't playing into me deciding to have sex with him.  I am not sure if it is because he's gone just over a month with out sex so he is frustrated in general, or if he is frustrated with me in general because he can't manipulate me in this regard.  I feel I will be disappointed if that is all he turns out to be.  

It is something I don't like about myself.  Being a fragile person deep down.  Wanting to be able to trust the people in my life.  I don't like feeling hypersensitive and aware of subtle shifts in behavior.  

In regard to Matt I can hardly blame him.  My boundaries are set to protect me and are then reinforced when I find my hesitation was a well chosen course.  If he meets someone more willing he has every right to pull away and move on with his life and his next ex-girlfriend.  That may seem jaded, but in talking to him it seems to be his pattern.  It is a pattern I am trying to break in my life.  A little time and hesitation reveals a lot.  

I miss intimacy.  There are times when I question keeping myself from having sex.  I could have sex with out attachment or a relationship but even this involves a bit of trust doesn't it?

Last night I went downtown.  There were a few venues hosting an annual urban music fest.  I went with a new acquaintance and we had fun getting to know each other.  I like her.  I like how she talks about her life.  She's fortunate and knows it.  She has a healthy marriage and we have things in common.  While we were out I saw Adam.  I mentioned him a while ago.  He was the one guy I'd been very interested in running into one night at a show, he was with a man that was my first boyfriend when I moved to this city.  Anyway, the last few times I have seen him I have been a little embarrassed for him as he's been really drunk and socially retarded.  You know, the whole fractured fantasy thing.  Another moment I sighed in relief and lost interest.  Nicole laughed when he made a point to talk to the people we were chatting with.  I'm certain he doesn't know them in any real way, if at all.  I'd told her he has this thing he does when we are at the same venue (rarely).  He skims past me, gets in my eye line, and pretends we don't know each other, I'll catch him looking at me.  He proved my statement correct and she found it funny.  It's just become weird to witness.  It makes me feel that maybe none of us really gets past Jr. High.  

I'm watching Doctor Who.  I am hoping I can follow the little things that are important.  I'm the Doctor!  And Who are You?  Is it wrong I am empathizing with the Dalek?  It thought it knew itself and then it was changed by Rose...

Well, I suppose it is better to grow and change.  Those that do not become septic in life and personality.

You'd Think By Now They'd Get The Cords Right

Or the Chords...

Random thoughts tumble through my head, for hours and hours now.  I could try some deep focused breathing and stretches I guess, but I'm not.

I cried a little, I might cry a little more.  Sometimes feelings just get raw and stretched and sore.

Sometimes when I fee this way I can't help but find my mind drifting to some story in the bible.  Tonight I thought of Ruth.  I often think of her.  I could never understand how when she clung to Naomi and went with her to her home, how could she patiently do as Naomi told her?  How could she work in the fields gleaning and wait?  How could she wait for Boaz to notice her?  How could she avoid noticing the young men in the fields with her in her loneliness?  How could she follow Naomi's instruction?

John's death shifted something in me.  Something so big I can't even identify it.  All I know is I am changed.  I respond to nearly everything differently now.  I'm more aware of myself, for all the good it does me. 

I understand Ruth more now.  That loss, and mine was a loss whatever the details that made it less of one to others, changed me.  I'm grateful for it, but I'm lost too, or maybe just so different I hardly recognize myself.  I don't want John.  I don't want anything like that again.  I don't want people in my life like that ever again.  So I watch.  I'm patient in the moment.  Maybe that is what Ruth did too.  Not that Ruth was trying to avoid people that were like the people that have so long surrounded me and no longer do...but then, maybe that is why Ruth clung to Naomi.  She had nothing to go back to.  Perhaps like me, details aside, in her loss she wised up too.

But right now...right now I'm completely aware of my loneliness.  My sons can't bridge it.  The stuffed walrus I'd rescued back when I was bar tending, the one my youngest named Beaver when he was little is my only comfort.  I'd like to kick my cat out of the house, for good.  He's annoying and despicable.  The Walrus aka Beaver and the Despicable Cat can't bridge it.   

When I feel this way things hurt that normally I wouldn't even think about, that I'd even find myself relieved to know.  Like a male friend that likes me, wondering if he's in someone's bed tonight he'd met for dinner.  In truth I don't want him, but when I am like this I question.  I worry I'll lose someone else I have let myself trust.  Silly

Yet, I don't want to be held so badly that I let myself settle, or force him to, just because he's nice (to my knowledge to this point) just to hold off this feeling.  It doesn't just come at night.  I doesn't just come over me when I am finding myself challenged in my resolve to move forward.  It clings to me, fluttering around the core of me. It's a part of me now.  Somehow it feels as though it is here now for a purpose, but whatever length of time it will reside in me, reside in me it does.  It is a constant.  Sometimes muted, but sometimes it grows large.  The nagging ache that suddenly it is the only thing felt, the only thing I can be aware of.

I suppose I am not ready.  In these moments, I wonder if I will ever be.  Looking at the full moon in my mind.  The lonely rabbit leaping backwards. 

I don't believe a person will make me happy.  Believe it or not, through my struggles and loneliness I am happy, in a sense.  I like my own company.  I like my sons company.  I like my friends and acquaintances. 

I just want more.  I want a partner.  I just don't understand why it is I have to feel like I am admitting some weakness.  I don't understand why I am built with this want, with the understanding I am worth it and the sense it is sometimes far from me, sometimes right within reach but I can't see it yet.

What is in my make up, this archaic waiting.  I used to look for it, try to make it happen.  Didn't Ruth sort of do that?  What are my examples?  People I know and admire?  The Bible?  My Mother?  Pardon me while I swallow the vomit that just hit the back of my throat.  She is a corruption.  Her chosen person, chosen every day. As for the others, they hang there coaxing me ever forward.  They guide me and influence me not to settle.  They push me to be...

What am I? 

I am changed.  To what?

I cried a little, then a little more.  I wondered at how I have no idea what tomorrow will be and yet I strain after it.  Tonight I will likely sleep, at some point.  Rise before the sun and start tomorrow.  I feel confident enough that I will wake as I am apparently quite fit, so unless something catastrophic happens...

What is tomorrow? 

A hope for things not yet seen?  A hope for things not yet known?

Where does this hope spring from...

I guess it doesn't matter really.  This is a moment where the flutter, the sound of it, overwhelms the voice within that keeps me positive.  It acknowledges how tired I feel sometimes.  Keep moving forward.  Keep moving forward.  Don't be afraid to work harder.  Go on with your life, no waiting now!  And then, like tonight, this other thing rises up craving comfort so acutely.

Anyway, goodnight.  No more thinking with my keyboard.

And Then...

I don't remember the last time I went to the doctor for a visit.  It was easy to avoid as I have always been generally healthy.  Does knocking on wood really work...no matter, I am going to knock on some. Done.

Also done, doctors visits.  I had my girl visit!  I had blood drawn, swabs, had my girl parts checked.  Without appointment I had my second ever mammogram.  I did a fasting blood panel the next day and met my new medical doctor, after my gyn nurse practitioner.  I am clean.  Clean and healthy.  Remarkably so.  I don't have my lab back from my pap yet, or my mammogram but I've been told everything is looking good.

I know a great group of women that are making me feel supported and cared for, and they work at my hospital.  One of them personally talked to my medical doctor and I am now her patient, when the doctors panel was closed.  I am so happy to have this doctor.

My new doctor referred me to dermatology to get my skin checked.  Being fair complected, fair of eye, and red of hair I am really glad to have this visit coming up.  She's also referred me to a vascular doctor for a dye test of my veins as I have some problem with  my legs (due to my pregnancy with my youngest son).  This is so great because I have private paid for these treatments (something like
$4,000).  I can get deep vein and blue vein treatment which will make my legs feel so much better.
She also referred me to mental health to a therapist she thinks is wonderful.  She said I have done a lot of great and hard and effective work on my own, but I am glad she thinks I could use a little help to get to a higher level.

In this same week, yesterday in fact, my oldest son turned 18.  It's kind of cool.  I like my son and the man he is becoming.  Last night we went to a college night hosted by our city.  It was very crowded and filled with resources for kids and the parents that went with information and a touch base for colleges all over the country.  I am most pleased my son showed interest.  He's insisted he doesn't want to go to college, but I think he is now considering it.  He'd gone off on his own for a few hours and checked out stuff on his own, pretending he didn't know me or his brother.  I picked up extra materials I thought he might have missed.

My poor son...his birthday falls in the hottest month, when I am always my most broke.  This is a big one too!  He's 18.  This time of year is always tough for me...August, back to school.  An incoming Freshman and an Outgoing Senior is extra expensively wonderful.  Total tap out.  September is car smog, car registration and typically slow at work on top of my sons birthday.  Yes I planned ahead and still broke.  So his birthday 'gifts' are on delay, though I did buy him a rock tee he loves, and a Star Wars tee he also loves.  My plan is to take him to a local shop to buy more rock tee's, a local used music and DVD store to buy whatever, The Scottish Games (this is as much for me as them because I have wanted to go for years and always seem to see the date for the event on the back of a bus, the day of, when it is over), and that same evening several punk bands are playing an all ages show.  He's a cool guy and happy to wait for what I came up with.



A bit more, I have stopped online dating.  It's a pain in the ass.  However, I think it had the desired effect.  I experienced what I really wanted, the across the room look.  I have no idea if I will ever see The Sculptor again.  I'd really like to.  However, the little steps taken in online dating have brought me to a place I like and though the men I met were nice they were so far away from anything I want for my life and consistently so I had to give it up.  I think I will focus on fitness instead...walking with my IPod, getting a yoga and stretching routine going at home, and my little yoga class.  As well, I will take a computer literacy class through adult ed.  Move my life forward.  I want my personal/romantic life to be realized but there are a lot of other things I'd like have happen as well.  Those I Can personally control.  I guess the rest is up to my instincts and the Universe.

Really I Am Just A Girl

No wave is the same.  I remember when I was young I'd get caught in that place between breaking waves.  The rise and fall of the trough as they'd crest.  The beach and safety cut off from sight.  I remember that breathless feeling and trying to suck in enough air to last just long enough under water before I could get my sense of up and down back so that I might ascend into the light, or the waning light.

I love that time of day.  When the sun creates long shadows in its blinding brightness.  Everything a silhouette in front, bright harsh relief behind.  It feels like moving into something, as though I have become less solid and I am merging around it and into the little spaces in between.  

Like the ocean and how it surges around a large rock covered in sea anemones.  I am just another piece of flotsam in the jetsam.  The surge doesn't recognize me, it doesn't recognize the rock.  I float within the foam and froth, spinning and being shot around it into the crest of the wave and I ride it to shore.  After I am safely on shore, I rush back in.

I was fearless.  I was fearless.

Where did I go?

Did I descend too far under the barrel of the wave, sucked into the spiral and pressed down?  Am I simply an oxygen deprived dream of the mind now?  I can still see the little things floating in the air bubbles as I am crushed down tumbling and twisted by the weight of the water.  Did I swim down looking for the light thinking I would ascend?  Did the cool caress of water lure me there?

All one has to do is stop trying.  Stop and float upward into air and light. 

I want to be fearless again.  I need to stop trying.

My day and my subconscious are preoccupied.  Really I am just a girl consumed by a moment.  I am between building waves, my sight cut off from land.  I am discarded in the surging powerful break of water dreaming...dreaming of someone.

How could I be reduced to this lack of control?  Remember to breathe, to hold it in...I tell myself this over and over.

Fear fingers through my hair and wraps itself around my skin like seaweed.  I can not control or create an outcome. Why not?  Aren't I at that place in my life where I can reign in the wave?  Can't I be fearless and step in?

All of this because there was a man and look across a room. I have learned that my faith is thin and transparent.  I have no control and I hate it.  I have to give it up.  The thrill and the fear.  Either I drown or I ascend.  I have to let the wave do its work.  Resistance is futile.  We are all just little flotsam and jetsam anyway.  All just little motes carried on a whim.

Verbal Drag

Ever watch the news or any show really and experience the delay between the picture and the sound.  I have always thought of it as verbal drag.

I feel like everything is in Verbal Drag.

The Conversation I'm Having With Myself

I need to get some of this down...just a bit of the process...this never-ending process...I'm frustrated

I need to cut Matt out.  God, that sounds harsh in my head when I read it, think it.  This is about listening to my instincts though, my feelings, my needs and wants.

He's super nice.  He really wants to please me.  His assurances are really getting to be annoying.  So much can be said with out being said and he says too much.  Not a little too much.  Way too much.  I feel concerned he is letting everything that flows through his mind come out of his mouth.  Like every red light, 'I want to make sure you are okay.  I want to go slow.  I don't want to mess this up.'
'I like you a lot and I think you are a good person.'  'No matter what tell me what you want.  I want to learn what you want.'  OMG it hasn't been a month.  This is why I wait.  I am starting to see things I really don't like.  Little things that indicate big things.  He's so sweet.  Too sweet.  He needs better boundaries, not just with me.  Even his friends think he needs better boundaries.  Maybe if I felt a connection to him I wouldn't mind being that person.  But I don't, and I do.

I like him, but there isn't any chemistry for me.  There appears to be though. So I was trying to let things play out.  I have kissed him, a few times.  The way it feels to be touched is amazing but I am not connected to him.

It is the touch itself, the kiss itself.  Not even the kiss.  The touch. His hand on my back, the pads of his fingers trailing down my arm, his knuckle stroking down my knee...

I have to acknowledge I could close my eyes and it could be nearly anyone touching me and it would feel heavenly.

It's not enough.

So I've allowed things to progress a little.  I haven't had sex with him, but I have these moments when my body demands more...more, more. I am so, so glad I didn't go that far.  I''m so glad I didn't listen to those demands because I know myself, I would regret it.

So I mostly ignore it, that feeling of wanting more, but this man is quickly developing feelings for me and I could find myself with him if I just let myself give up on the things I want.  Because he's really kind and thoughtful and giving and assuring and assuring and assuring...

I think it is a confusing thing I am navigating in my head.  Is the Universe saying, here ya go Sugar... except this one thing or these few things... figure it out.  Is it that he is the guy I should have been wanting?  Just because he's nice?  I have met a lot of nice guys. Does that mean I should settle for him, or accept it because my friends think we are good match just because he wants to treat me well?  I don't want to take advantage of someone's heart and hopes.  That's not right.  To me it isn't.

I've often thought if there is any question of doubt then the answer is most likely no. 

I want more...I want a man that is more fully realized with out me and chooses me.  A man that challenges me, a man that fits.  I do not want a man that sees me as an oasis from the current crap he has going on.  I want to be more than a pleasant distraction and a muse turned love interest to someone I am not really interested in.

You'd think by 43 I wouldn't have to even say these things to myself.

Last night I found myself curiously observing as I watched us from the outside.  We went to see some art installations with a girl friend of his.

The first installation was a building of different display rooms and studios.  I liked several, in particular the metal sculptor.  Amazing work.  As well, for the first time in a very long time, I experienced that look across the room, well, before I entered the room.  Several times after.

I wandered into other rooms within the studios to look at others artists work.  Some very appealing artists work.  It felt so good to see what people can create.  It's been a long time since I felt inspired to create and to be able to talk to other artists.

Before we left to go to another location we were in the Sculptor's room again.  That look.  I knew Matt was aware of it, I could feel it coming off of him in waves.  He mentioned the 87 year old artists glomping onto me a few minutes before, he gave me a discount on a little Japanese water color study he'd done when he'd been in Japan.  Back in the Sculptor's room he really noticed, but didn't say anything...then Matt touched my back to take possession.

I know he noticed the Sculptor's interest as he'd move in close to indicate we were together. I couldn't help that he did.  We have no commitment, I've made that clear.  However, he still pushed the boundary and the Sculptor turned to talk to a really tacky girl after Matt touched my back and I was disappointed.

This is why I don't like spending time with men, and why I do.   With the wrong man people assume so damn much. With the right one it is wonderful.  I am frustrated I allowed this to happen.

At the next installation I ran into my photography instructor and mentor from college.  It was such a great surprise.  I love this man and his work continues to impress me.  I'd honed in on it without realizing it was his.  I focused on it then finally looked at the little cards by the work and immediately turned to look for him.  He was right there!  We spoke for a few minutes.  Matt was doing the velcro thing and I it made me feel crowded.  I felt the understanding sinking in and felt sad too.  Sad I'd not addressed it sooner, that I'd let little things happen because part of me wants and I didn't control it.

I don't like being crowded by him and I realize too late it is because I like him, but I don't LIKE him.  He's like a girl friend to some extent and even I feel like I am insulting him with that definition when I think it.

I want someone nice.  I want someone that has aspects of who he is but not him.

These little complications.  I have been taking it slow.  I have allowed a little.  I realize I compartmentalized with him and that is not what I am looking for.  Some things flow easily but I think that is because he is working very hard to make it seem like it is. I think I was trying to choose Matt because he's so nice and working hard to be what I need.  Anyone else would have taken what they want and then been fine letting it go.


I feel the need to introvert and pull away for a while.  From all of it.

I have these little demons crawling my back and resting on my shoulders whispering about their hunger...

I know what we'd like, more than they do. They are superficial and want sensation and that is so much like flying too close to the sun.  How else do I find that balance but to test myself?  To go through things like this, work through it to perhaps eventually arrive where I'd like to in regard to a relationship.

Like with Matt...in less than a month I spent a little time with him and realized I don't like him very much.

I want the look across the room.  I want someone I want too.  I want someone that has their own interests and ones they share with me.  I want someone that it is easy with.  I want someone Taller than I am, I really do.  I want someone that challenges me. I want a mutual fit.  I don't feel like I should have to choose someone because they have chosen me and that is what I am experiencing.  I want a mutual choosing.

I want to see the Sculptor again.



An aside. Since I have updated this a few times anyway what does it matter?
Dating is sort of two extremes right now.  I don't like that I am meeting men that I don't like that like me too too much.  I don't like those questions that form inside my head on a sort of slow delay.  Do you even like this guy? But why don't you like this guy?  I need to have a harder line and I feel like I have made that line more elastic because I wanted to give myself a chance to get to know them.  Matt is a prime example of this.  The more I got to know, the more I didn't like.  I knew right away he wasn't right so why did I bother?  All I did was set myself on short path of confusion and darken the bright joy of my first 'look across the room'
Yes, I will get over it.
What I do like...the mirror image of the above experience.  I haven't dated before.  I haven't put myself out there in this way before.  Active dating is draining.  It is less about the men I meet and more about me.  I am learning about myself and so I am a bit irritated I am being so hard on myself.  Like I said above, most people I know would just do whatever they want and walk away with no self recriminations.   For example, the woman we were with on this Art Walk night.  She's completely focused on this other Matt that has a girlfriend.  I like him and I like his girlfriend.  Matt's friend is very open about herself and I learned she has slept with him and his brother.  She is open in general about her dates and their intimacy.  She dragged me to a bar her obsession told her he was having a drink in.  OMG awkward.  I allowed it because it was good to get away from Matt and my growing negative view of him. 
I am learning about myself, about my boundaries.  To some people I have boundaries that are too tight, to me I feel crashed in on.  I am proud they are holding.
But I can't help it...I am thinking about Sculptor.  Why?  Why him?  Why that night?  Why did it play out like that?
And that thinking leads to me being very hard on myself.  This leads to me wanting to pull away from it all.

Last night I took my sons out to dinner.  Really I should shop and cook, but work was long and tiring and I wanted to go to the food trucks and sit and have a craft beer in a red Solo cup and spend time with my boys, watch them choose their own dinner.  A band played an instrumental version of The Girl from Impaema.
Colleen was there.  I immediately walked away and joined my sons at our table.  She came over and I ignored her.  My sons were merely polite.  She is my mother and the most toxic person I have ever encountered in my life.  She thrives on it.  There is a tsunami of information I could offer about how she is a blight on humanity and had I addressed her I would have been within rights to stomp on her and she knows it.  She finally walked away.
Dinner was delicious.  I slept like a rock.  I woke up at five (not what I'd hoped) and wanted to write here.  Then I stared at the page and felt horrible and superficial and shallow and silly.

Photographs

Nostalgia, melancholy.  I am looking back a bit.  Pictures of myself about 10 years ago, less.  Pictures of my sons.  A few of John. 

Sometimes it is inevitable to look back and consider what if's.  Remembering, seeing yourself, the people you love...remembering and acknowledging what was.  If you don't I believe you can miss what is, what can be, what should never be again.

I can see as well, I think, what others maybe saw. 

Looking back makes me wonder, 'What do others see now?'

I don't want to be what I was ever again.

After my sister stops by with the wrong kind of calculator for my sons AP Calculus and Macro Economics classes I'm going for a long walk with my IPod.  I need to be physical and hopefully my mind will let some of this go.

I want to be better.  I want to live better.  I want to love better.

The Touching Barrier

I'm not sure how to start this, but it's been on my mind. 

After John died I didn't want to be touched.  I had a hard time even being touched by my sons for a goodnight hug.  I remember before he died, there was a time when he and I weren't together, the boys and I would sit on the couch every night.  I'd be in the middle and they'd be cuddled in next to me.  We'd watch a movie and I'd fall asleep sandwiched in-between them.  It was the best feeling in the world.

That time has passed, thankfully.  My sons and I say good morning, and goodnight.  We hug.  We Touch.  My son freaked me out the other day swirling his fingers on top of my head.  It felt like something, like a tarantula, had landed on top of my head.

The best feeling in the world, in its own weird and terrific way.


As I have begun to move into the world of 'dating' I do not encourage touching, even if I am in a place where I crave touch intensely.  

My observation of touch in dating...

I went out on a handful of dates with a man named Don.  After the fourth date, being walked to my car, I was asked for a kiss.  I kissed him.  ... Nothing.  We saw each other again once more. 

The touching barrier had been breached.  On this last date he touched and touched and touched.  He wanted to kiss me over and over.  His rhythm was out of synch with mine, the kiss was nice because touch was nice.  His touch was nice, because being touched was nice.  I didn't really want his touch though. 

When I wanted a day to myself he felt threatened and worried I was cutting him off.  I'd been on the fence.  He made me laugh, he's cute, he's super tall (6'7"), he's nice. 

I'd have still seen him if he'd replied well.  Instead of understanding, instead of saying he understood he worried about himself.  If only he'd said, 'If you change your mind, I'm here' I'd have probably had a cup of coffee, showered and called him.  Instead I moved on.

I've been on a few dates.  I have met some really nice men.  Respectful, considerate, attractive (for who they are).  But no chemistry.  It's interesting though.  I have found that men, if they feel chemistry, think only of how they feel.  Assume it is mutual.  It's like they get blinded to the other person projecting their own thoughts, feelings, wants, desires onto that other person. 

I met a man named Edward.  Adorable, kind, excellent father and hard working man.  He felt a connection, I didn't.  He's respecting me, I appreciate his doing so.  Also, he lives several hours away.

I met another man, Matt.  He's shorter than I am.  I do have a hang up about this and I have often tried to work past it.  He's also a great guy.  Hard working, driven, caring father, considerate.  He's respected my boundaries better than any other man I have met.  He backs off just enough when he understands he's pushed too much.  We like a lot of the same things, we talk easily.  At least we did.

The touching barrier was broken one night.  I went out with him.  He dj's at a few clubs in town as a hobby/second job/he's been doing it forever.  He's quite good.  A guy he co-dj's with took over for a bit.  We sat on a lounge together and talked a little.  He touched my knee with the knuckle of his index finger.  A slight stroke.  He touched me at a time when I was craving touch. 

I can't describe what it is like to be celibate for a long time.  I am nearly going on two years.
There are times sex, desire, want...they don't register.  Then other times, the feeling inside is so intense.  On the outside I cloak myself with normalcy, but inside is something completely different.

That touch was distilled sensation.  It was more than touch.  I could feel him next to me, half a foot apart and I could feel him, smell him.  I was hyper aware.  I didn't want him, but I did.  I feel almost no chemistry with him other than friendship, but this night...different.

The night ended and he walked me to my car.  We kissed.  Nothing awkward.  It was just nice.  Outside of my intense internal sensation the kiss was just nice.  Polite even.

A few days later we met for a glass of wine.  The touching barrier broken he touched me a lot.  My back.  We were sitting next to each other in a small restaurant/bar.  He touched my knees and below my knees as we talked.  It felt wonderful.  I could have closed my eyes and just felt it.  Later that night, after spending time with my friends I stopped by his house.  We talked out front.  He kissed me at my car.  I pushed for more of a kiss.  Deeper, I wanted more...

It just didn't come together and I was okay with that.  It felt good, but missed the mark. 

Since the kiss...well, of course his course has made a slight but significant change of direction.  He doesn't expect, but wants to be, more. 

I don't. I like him, but enough to move forward as anything more than friends? No.  I didn't rush in, and I was interested in him but there are too many little things that don't come together for me.

The touching barrier changes everything.

Such a little thing as holding hands, a polite kiss.  I want more, but it isn't there.  I'm not interested in settling and it seems like things unseen move themselves into place to surround me and block me from things I want but people that are not the right fit.

It's not frustrating, which surprises me.  I know it is naive to put out there, but I hope I can maintain a friendship with Matt.  I am hoping his circumstances (some details I am not putting here) will allow it.  I think his interest in me is as much an escape as it is to some extent genuine.

Breathe In, Exhale Slolwy

I am starting a deep breathing aromatherapy yoga class tonight at 6:30.  It is being taught by a life-coach.

I hope tonight what little I learn helps me feel less crowded.  I am sure my friend will help with that too when I talk to her.

I need to remember my promises to myself.

Breathe in, Exhale slowly.  Truth...patience...

Rebound

As defined by Urban Dictionary:

rebound

Going from one relationship to the next right away to avoid the pain of a breakup. 

 

As defined by Wikipedia:

 A rebound is an undefined period following the break up of a romantic relationship. The term's use dates to at least the 1830s, when Mary Russell Mitford wrote of "nothing so easy as catching a heart on the rebound".^[1] The term may also refer to a romantic relationship that a person has during the rebound period, or to the partner in such a relationship. Someone who is "on the rebound," or recently out of a serious dating relationship, is popularly believed to be psychologically incapable of making reasonable decisions regarding suitable partners due to emotional neediness, lingering feelings towards the old partner, or unresolved problems from the previous relationship. Rebound relationships are believed to be short-lived due to one partner's emotional instability and desire to distract themselves from a painful break up, and those emerging from serious relationships are often advised to avoid serious dating until their tumultuous emotions have calmed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I am not rebounding.  Though I could have.  I had plenty of opportunity.  I have plenty of opportunity.
Love is the Drug entry was basically a purging of Full Moon Restlessness.  And it's a really good song by Roxy Music.  I also added Heart of Glass by Blondie.  She looks amazing in the video.  It all just fit the mood.

A moment I brought here and highlighted with music.

As for my dating life.  It is so very interesting.  You can say 'interesting' out loud with different inflections and they'd all apply.

I plan to 'date' a bit, but there's no one that has really appealed to me in any overall way.

Oh Oh, Catch That Buzz...Love Is The Drug

Heart Of Glass


Off balance.  I am off balance.  I could spin around and around on a wire, arms splayed out as a smile drifts over my face.  Stepping down is like standing on marbles. I can't stand it, and everything is grasping at air for purchase.  Heart rate increases, my torso tenses and it spreads out over my body.

I fall.  I always fall.  Tumbling down Rabbits hole, my skirt rising up to hide my face.

My hands fly up to grasp at fabric, skirt down and hair in my face I'll stand defiant and ask you why it's all monochromatic.

A touch would shatter me, even a damn smile...shatter into color and light.

Stay back because you can't handle this.

Offensive One, Offensive Two

Dan, 54, Christian...I Grow On People.


Often people treat that with Lotramin.

Starbucks mid-afternoon.  I have to take responsibility for this as I didn't really scrutinize his profile.  I guess early on I assumed when you put down age parameters men will look at them just enough to avoid rejection.  They do not.

Oh, and the Christian part.  Look, no offense to people of religion out there, but I am not interested.  I put Non-Religious for a reason.  Been there, done that.

Dan arrives and lets me know out of the gate, "Wow, you're really gorgeous.  Very pretty."
Thank you.
My first thought, Ohhhhhh no.  No, no, no.

I'd checked his profile again just before we met and saw his faith descriptor.  So as we went in to get my tea and his desert coffee drink I asked him, 'So you go to church?  Which one?'   He told me.  I know it.  It's very active in the community which I admire, but the few people I have run across from there sort of creep me out.

So we sit outside, a rare comfortable day in our usual summer oppression.  We talk a little and I find myself beginning to pepper in curse words and I realize even my subconscious wants to become unappealing to this man.

He is working hard to let me know he's loaded and retired and free to pursue entrepreneurial interests, such as making t-shirts perhaps.  That he plans to move to the coast in three years.

If I were a gold digger, he'd have found his arm candy.  However, I am NOT.  I was uncomfortable.

He mentioned if a movie is r rated, kids, meaning teen aged kids, shouldn't be allowed to watch it.  Another strike against me! Darn it.

 We talked a bit about online dating and he said that some women's profiles were a curiosity to him, that women in their 40's and getting into their 50's, their bodies start to change and they seem to get desperate.  That my pictures were decent enough (gee, thanks dad considering they are head shots and I am clearly fully clothed) but that other women have cleavage and then complain that they get a lot of sexual messages.

I wanted to point out that he seemed a little desperate and utterly out of shape, but I'm not a bitch so I just let him keep digging his own grave, because I handed him the shovel with my 'Let Her Eat Soap' dirty mouth.

At the end of the date he let me know he was going to ask me something, and that he was just curious, and to not be offended.  I already didn't care.  He mentioned my cursing and asked why I do it.

I said, I'm not offended at all, more than likely it is a bad habit.  Every once in a while I control it, but sometimes I feeel it is more than appropriate for certain situations.  **Like This One**

He said his daughter asked him, 'Dad.  Dad can't I Pleeeeeeez start saying the 'S' word?!'  He smugly explained to me it is not The 'S' word, but that it was suck, because he explained to his kids that even suck was a bad word...

I think I responded with, a Blank Stare.
This was on the heels of him telling me his daughter is just like her mother, his ex-wife.

What a Gem. Dan? Have you ever considered maybe 'I'm a control freak ChristianMingle.com'? 

So, what the Fuck was he thinking?  He'd appeal to me with his money and then help me find religion and stop cursing and life would be just be creepy clouds and G rated fun?

I think he was thinking that, and he let me know that I should really let him get to know me, that he grows on people.

I was grateful to get in my car, drive away, go buy pastries and a strawberry pie, drive home to pick up my corrupted sons, and then have bbq at my dysfunctional sinner friends house.