March

March has not been nice to me and I am glad it is almost over.

Short list:

1: I realized going out is not what I am into.
2: One of the last times I went out I was put under investigation for DUI (scariest experience EVER)
3: I have finally cut off my transgender-female-lesbian in a man's body brother-in-law
4: Work stress
5: Son stress

After getting my taxes done and paying down my credit card, paying one off I am in a good place regarding debt.  I wasn't in a bad one, but I'd really like to see myself totally debt free by my next tax return.  Especially because my accountant let me know year after next things will change. 

I finally went to California Care to go through the process getting insurance.  I had it through Kaiser for a while but the high rates made it impossible for me to keep it.  I'd avoided going to the California Care site long enough.  At the end of the process I had the pleasure of finding out I am poor enough to qualify for MediCal.  I am not okay with this.  I feel ashamed I haven't made better choices in my life...that whole stuck thing.  It's now sunk to a whole new level.  I'm signed up now, but haven't received any of my paperwork yet.

Going out.  I started going out to, I guess, start living again.  I like live music.  I want to meet new people, start trying new things... at first it was fun, particularly if I had a drink or two.  I don't really like drinking very much and every time I went out there was something that would take the shine off. 

I wouldn't feel well the next day.  No hung over, but unmotivated...or more unmotivated.  There would always be some uncomfortable moment, a creepy guy.  The last time really just did it for me.  I went to see a few bands play and after I went to drop my girlfriend off at her car.  A police officer decided to roll me for a DUI.  I blew all zero's but the whole process really stressed me out. 

Mainly because it highlighted how alone I am.  How much responsibility I have.  All I could think was I am going to point on the breathalyzer, I'll get arrested/released (they just give a ticket now known as arrest and release), my car will be impounded, thank god I have a credit card, I'll have to go to court, how will I get my sons to school?  Myself to work?  The shopping done?  Who can I call as a sober driver to get me home now?  Oh my god I can't think of anyone... that fucking drink was not worth this!  I don't even fucking like drinking and it is certainly NOT WORTH THIS!

I blew zero's.  The officer looked a little disappointed.  The other officer had been talking to my girlfriend.  I thought they were going to test her too, they didn't. 

Thank God it's over.  My response.  No more drinking, ever.  I need to start working out, get my body and mind healthy.  And no more fucking swearing. (my exactly thought)


My brother-in-law.  Well he is a bag of cats, and this has nothing to do with his being a transgender-female-lesbian in a man's body either.  He was always a supreme asshole before, now it is just so much more layered.  Before he treated me like I was someone to be tolerated.  Then he wanted me to help him.  Then he was just the neediest, most high maintenance person I have ever had to deal with.  I was trying to be supportive for my sisters sake.  Before it was easy because he was never around.  I could go to their house and he'd stomp around for an hour then go to work.  Then he was there, ALL the time.  He'd either make us feel unwelcome, or later... dominate while I was there with his female needs.  And then my sister got a pigmy goat.  It isn't pinned, poops everywhere, urinates everywhere, smells awful, and tries to nibble everything and everyone. 
He really burned his bridges with me last week.  The three of us went out of town for a concert.  He was Awful.  Selfish, pouting, high-high-high maintenance.  I'm done.
My sister has been managing all of her friends...telling everyone slightly different versions of her reality.  I get it.  Well, she finally told her best friend about our concert trip.  She still softened the details but she said she'd going to give it six months and then she's leaving.  I hope she does.  If she doesn't he'll leave her with nothing. It is so much worse than what I am describing but it's not my life.  It is hard to watch my sister go through it though.  He's got cancer now.  It's looking like Hodgkins Lymphoma.  He's such and ass the best oncologist in town fired him after handing him his results.  He'll have to find another doctor with in the same offices.  I am writing this so you understand, this person is just Rude to highest degree.  My sister is giving it six months because she finally realizes the consistent negative factor is Brian.  She's going to help over the next few months to get settled with a doctor then she will begin extracting herself.  She's lucky.  She has a support group just waiting to help her. 


Work.   State Board came in and some people got fined.  Including the owner.  Everyone has been upset and uncomfortable.  We had a meeting Saturday night.  The owner is not wanting to pay her fine.  Well, no kidding...no one wants to pay a fine.  It's been a good wake up call though.  I pretty much slept all day yesterday off and on just from the stress leading up to the meeting and post meeting.  I hope everything gets resolved.  I don't want to change salons and I realize I need to go back to school.

My son...ADHD and just being in junior high.  He's been lazy and flaky and when asked or confronted lies or gives me the deer in headlights thing.  He's a slob...blahblahblah

I feel more peace now, after sleeping all day yesterday.  I think my subconscious worked out some of my stress from work.  It is what it is and I Need to make moves to figure out what I can go back to school for.  I get anxious thinking about it.

I am comfortable and at peace with my decision to not have anything to do with my brother-in-law.  I'm sorry for his difficulty, but I feel no responsibility toward him.

Things will be okay with my son.  He's very intelligent and as my older son got past junior high I know my youngest will too.



March, you can march right out.