I Think Fury Is Knock, Knock, Knocking

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Fury...

Many years ago I blogged a little short I titled, There's a Bitch in my Head and Her Name is Fury.

It was a funny little description of something my then husband did that pissed me off.

The alter ego's name fit though and the poor self protective bitch has been on lock down in solitary confinement since third grade at Turtle Rock Elementary School.  She kind of took over when I saw red during a show and tell presentation in class.  I became aware and found my hand fisted in a boys hair and my left hand in a fist raised and ready to knock him out.  He was heckling me from his seat, poor stupid kid.  My teacher, Mr. Comb-over, had kept my left fist from flying to it's mark where it intended to break the nose of boy who's hair I was ripping out with the pressure of my fingers alone.

Fury made me nervous.  So I put her away.  I've written about her before.

Well, she's started to get past weakening bonds and locks and cell walls.  I'm okay with that.  However, she and I are getting to know each other and she can be a real bitch and sadly, at the wrong times.  She and I have a lot to learn.

For example, we are wise enough to not engage with someone worthless.  However, dropping responsibility in someones lap and not caring how they react would be a nice place for us to step up to.
Exhibit one: Diana, my ultra co-dependent co-worker.  I like this girl, but I don't.  She's full of venom, but only she is allowed to talk smack on others, or be frustrated by them.  I guess because she has a better reason than I do.  She's fat.
She put me on blast online, she thought it was a closed group.  I saw the whole thing.  I knew it was about me even if she didn't name me specifically.  She sees my youngest son, and the rest of the world as needing to be protected from the pretty, slender-curvy mean girl.  She made opinions fact not knowing shit about my life.  When I gently (and I could have let Fury out but didn't) informed her of her lack of knowledge, which I gave her a rundown on the last year and a half of my life, and how narrow perspective was she apologized profusely and offered to let me hit her hard with the anger I so greatly deserved because she was a said, 'Piece of Shit'.  Another incident, she told me things, personal things I do not need to know, about the owner of our workplace and her boyfriend.  When I then stated that he'd made a poor social impression to me by treating us like peon's when he didn't outright ignore our existence, she then defended him as though she hadn't been gossiping maliciously about him a second before.  I let her know she didn't need to do that.  Her response, so so so co-dependent was this, 'I just won't say Anything then' and in an injured tone.  Oh snap.  She is my grandmother.

Well, exhibit one, almost at the finish line: March 2nd she came over, me having forgiven her for her online blast of me and my mothering and kindly moving on... she went out on the patio to have a cigaret before leaving and my thirteen year old followed her out because she treats him like he's amazing even when her countenance reads, he's annoying. All because she sees an awkward kindred spirit.  She comes in and informs me my son was making sex sounds at her and then told her that is how he met his best friend Stephanie, they made sex sounds at each other.

Great.

I asked her if she told him he was making her uncomfortable and if she told him that sort of behavior is inappropriate.  She poo-poo'd me!  Not literally, but she waved it off and said, 'Ohhhhhh, it's okahhhhhy. ha-ha-ha.'

I said to her, "No it's not.  I need the village to help raise my son.  You had a great opportunity to help him know his behavior is making you uncomfortable and inappropriate."

No, she's like everyone else in my life, with exception of my mother-in-law, They prefer to dump that crap on my lap instead.

Fury decided that Bitch isn't coming to my home ever again.  Fury pretty much put me on blast in my head pointing out that Diana is proven to not be worth my effort in confrontation.  She'll just act injured instead.  Unless of course I just write it out and let her digest it first.  Screw that.  I won't waste my time.  She's struck out three times.  I'll be friendly at work and only because we work together.  Otherwise I would have let Fury have at her. 


Next up, the Social Life and Fury being inappropriate.

I went out last Friday night.  The two times before that weren't so great before that either.  One because Mr. Been There Done That (10 years ago guy) showed up with his friends.  These guys have not changed in 10 years.  I will quote them from our table, 'Look, Hotties.'  To which they went outside and began to hit on a few obvious trashy blonds.  When Mr. 10 years ago sat down my girlfriend put her arm around me while her husband talked to his buddy (that recognized me but couldn't place me and we realized it was from when I was bar tending and had met Mr. 10 years ago), he said, 'Oh Honey I had her first' to which they then went back and forth over me making that statement.  Awesome.  No Mr. 10, she did.  I've known her since I was 19.  He then shut up, a great feat of self control for him.  I think it was because he was texting and struggling to spell a word.

His friend that recognized me proceeded to bring up my brief relationship and a sexual encounter and how good '04 was.  Fury let him know the facts, bluntly.  It was nice to see him shut up about it.  Later he got my number from his friend to ask for a picture I'd taken of him, Mr. 10 years ago, and their buddy.  He also then messaged me leading up to asking me out.  Poor sad emotionally delayed sack of stupid.  Do you really think I'm that woman from 10 years ago and isn't there some kind of bro code?  Because if you think you can hit me up and get a piece of me, well, I'll hurt your ego and fast.

Then I had a girls night.  Another band.  Some creepy guy kept trying to dance with me when I was dancing with my friends.  He kept letting me know he was interested when I let him know I wasn't.
We left early as our band played first and best.  I was relieved.

And last Friday.  My friend and her husband, another friend and her husband, and another two couples the same.  I was the single girl, dancing with her girlfriends, while hubbies did their thing.  When we walked in the night was shadowed by that married guys wife my 'friend' tried to set me up with.  I knew her when I saw her because feeling things were shady I'd checked his profile on Facebook scrolling down until I finally found a mention of her.  Checked her Facebook, ironically the same night she called me because he left his phone on the counter when he went to shower.  I can only think she did a little Facebook stalking too.  I'm easy to find if you know my name.  It's very uncommon.  She looked at me a few times, a few of her friends did too.  Nothing malicious, but uncomfortable.  She was there with her friends as I was.  It's too bad things played out the way they did because I am certain we'd like each other if we'd met under other circumstances.  I'm still convinced John is laughing at me and saying, 'I told you so' from wherever he is now.  Dancing with my friends this guy tried to dance with my close friend (her husband talking to the other guys while we danced), she pawned him off on me knowing if she didn't fast her nice night would end with her 5'6" husband trying to kick a 6'4" guys ass.  Yes, I was pissed.  I a not interested in being anyone's second choice, part time, some times, maybe girl.  I extracted myself and went back to our table and went back after he left the floor soon after so I could dance with my girlfriends again.  But Fury had leaked out that night.  The drummer for the band is friendly with my friends.  I put him 'on blast'.  His words, for giving me false info, regarding his email to send him something I'd found on youtube he was interesting in.  When I tried to send it later the email came back as invalid.  I figured he gave out a fake one to seem polite to our mutual friends but didn't want to bother with me or perhaps have issue with his girl or something.  So Fury confronted him on that bluntly.  Had it been me I would have mentioned it more tactfully.

So the last several times I have escaped for me time it has been shadowed by petty bs.  A good time slimmed by the past or creepy guys trying to dance with me. Or by Fury blowing off steam and making me look like an ass.

As a result of all these little things, my son, my social life, work being slow... I'm tired and feeling kind of pathetic.

Fury has retreated so I don't even have her gumption to keep on keeping on.

Today I am helping my elderly friend by taking her to a doctor appointment.  She is trying to minimize her expenses so she can stay at this senior living community she loves.  He doctor can sign off that she is in need of assisted living and she can, instead of having her own apartment at over $2000 per month, have a roommate in assisted living (as opposed to independent living where she is now) and pay half.

Being around her I can tell her these tales of woe and she is utterly entertained by my 'man friends' as she calls them.  She remembers only enough to ask if any of my Man Friends have called when she sees me about once a week. 

She puts things into perspective for me and she kind of lightens my load by making what seems seedy and disappointing a funny night out instead.  Her situation makes me appreciate mine a little more and we like each other.


Tonight I agreed to visit with a friend I've known for a very long time.  He, like the one I am no longer friends with, challenges my willingness to be his friend.  He's good for a few a few coffee/catching up visits, then he goes to that, let's be more than friends thing.  I don't mean to seem ungrateful, but I don't feel special when he does this.  I feel like I'm a thread he pulls when he's lonely and feeling like a failure.  I get it, wanting to break that cycle and make a good life.  But he's not the guy for me, he screwed that up many years ago.  Hell, he frustrates our friendship.  We've never had sex and I think he'd like to see if his idea of having sex with me lives up to reality.  I assured him it wouldn't.

Now...

Just me.

I cut my fringe.  My bangs.  Short.  As typical, I liked them at first, now I am over it and now I get to wait for them to grow out.  They'd gotten to a point I liked and in a hormonal misguided burst of hyper-focus and shears in hand I cut them.
Last night I colored my hair.  An old formula I used to use a few levels lighter.  While my color was pretty before, I felt a little washed out. So I colored it, covering the highlight a girlfriend did that I wasn't in love with.

Essentially, I am taking my stress out on my hair.  I don't look terrible but I'm not loving it, probably due to my bangs.

I feel worn out...and as follows, I'd just love to get a break from it all.  I crave to have some sense of the life I've always wanted while fighting off  becoming jaded and convinced it'll never even come close, that I am somehow destined to be surrounded by crazy.

And yet, Life is Beautiful.

Fury says, Yeah keep telling yourself that sap.

She was right too.  I just got off the phone with the school psychologist.  She's great, but she also just inundated me with resources after having me run-down the last year and a half an some of my concerns regarding my son.

Calgon, take me away.  Oh wait, I have to hustle, I need to get ready to pick up my friend for her doctor appointment.