Knotched Arrow ----> Fly

This morning I receive a phone call. 

Yesterday I spoke to the school psychologist after she was referred to me after my meeting with one of my sons teachers.  She overloaded me with information and resources, particularly regarding counseling and proper diagnosis for my son.  She indicated his medication might be the problem as it is common with the wrong med, wrong dosage, wrong diagnosis, that these things can lead to unfortunate side effects like my son is exhibiting.  Unfortunately since their father moved away last year he changed medical coverage and this change resulted in no mental health coverage. 
Now, if any of you out there have a child that is ADHD you know there is really no help unless you have mental health coverage (something this new insurance lacks and my sons doctor found shocking) because doctors refer out for this sort of thing.

If you don't have to refer out, I am jealous.

Now, the uncomfortable part...the phone call.  The phone call was a return call from one of the reference numbers.  Back story: I went to Covered California and filled out the information.  I do not qualify for discounted insurance.  Oh, it is not because I am rolling in the deep pockets of financial bliss.  No.  It is because I am the hard working and no money making single Mom of the self employed.

I qualify for MediCal. 

I suddenly feel nauseous. All I know is I am now a pariah to a large majority of conservative-politically bent people I know, and worse... my own ego.

Even in the early stages of my separation and divorce and child support order, when I was putting myself through school (stupid choice of cosmetology. I should have done anything medical), had the boys 24/7 to support my ex in his training for corrections, I had no money, no help, and I still refused assistance.  Luckily I was bar tending then and managed to get by.  The same now, only I do hair and I have been years in the building my clientele. Honestly, without child support I don't think I could survive on my own.  I love what I do, but I am realizing now that John is gone and the distractions are gone, my Job is not a job but a Hobby.

MediCal.  It seems wrong.  It rubs uncomfortably against my pride.  I should have made better choices.  How can I move forward now?

Now I have to have proof of insurance.  I can't hide anymore.  I tried private pay, and thankfully my sons are covered under their fathers benefits, so my dropping the insurance when they raised my premiums impossibly high didn't effect them.  By the way, I looked up Effect and Affect.  I think I got it right.  These two have always caused me problems.  If I am wrong I tried.  If you, reader-voyeur, are dissatisfied with me, fuck off and I hope you eat many spiders while you sleep and feel all creepy inside.

My shame, now I get to roll out the MediCal for services I'd rather avoid but honestly, can't...shouldn't.  I have to reveal my 'shame' to my future doctor and their staff who will judge me for my iPhone 4 and non-walmart kitty decal clothin.  My accountant who lit the fire under my reluctant ass will know.  Well, he already knows I suppose he saw my AGI.

The few people I have confided in have told me I am being ridiculous and they wish they'd qualified for MediCal.

Even typing it out here makes me uncomfortable.  I feel like a failure.

Yet, I don't judge negatively anyone I know that does use assistance.  I don't think less of them at all.  I see them as who they are, the person.  This is a ME thing.  As well, I never did lack in understanding of John not wanting to go to the doctor regarding his health, his blood pressure.  Of course I continually mentioned it wanting him to go.  Knowing deep down no matter how healthy he looked, how remarkably young, his internal health was suffering.  And tragically his not taking care of his health lead to his passing at far too young an age.  I understood it though.

Something else, and maybe all of these confessions will lead to making me a better person or something, but...I envy my friends that can take care of themselves where I can't.  I envy my friends that are married and don't live under the pressure I do.  They made better choices.  That's the plain truth.

If most people knew what was in my checking and savings combined they'd probably die from horror.  I am trying to save.  My debt is manageable but keeps me from saving as much as I'd like.  I never pay anything late, my sons eat and often have things they like. I take care of my paid off car.  My credit is good, though I should personally check it again it's been long enough since the last time.  Probably too long.  But I'm clean.  I'm just broke.

But the constant sense of instability in the background is frightening.

And yet, I'd rather be alone than ever settle again.  I haven't always made this choice in my past but my choices were always genuine.  John highlighted something in me no one else ever did.  I won't ever settle again.  There's this barrier I'm not sure will ever let anyone in, and yes that is different than settling.  I wish you, reader, could be a little observer on my shoulder.  You'd agree, I'm right to feel the way I do.  I'm not looking, but what I am seeing is... settling in the extreme material.  It falls under, Do Not Touch Me Again Ever material.  There's a lot of creeps out there.  A lot of lazy boys.  No intelligent great gentlemanly men.  Everyone wants an easy mark, a hook up.  Even my dating girlfriends.  It's just not my thing.  I'm not frigid...in fact I am highly aware of my needs, I just can't make myself willing to waste my time.

Sometimes I wish I were more calculating.  If I were I'd have focused a lot more on my education I think. 

There is a song I find running through my mind often...

Nick Drake, One of These Things First


http://youtu.be/QSlh8u8Nrig
*look I figured it out, minus the image. pity*

I know it doesn't really sum up what I am saying here, but I could have been...

I could still be.  However, right now I have my son to focus on and my other son to see taking flight into his adult life soon.

Life is a transition.  Sometimes I wonder why I am the way I am.  Why I have such strange standards for different areas of my life.  Why I am one thing and not another.  Or why I am conflicted, Why am I (as my mother-in-law states) surrounded by crazy. 

No more crazy.  I am trying to get my shit together.  I am slowly waking up from the last year and a half.  I hope I am moving forward.