Those Old Threadbare Thoughts.

The title here started with a song off of a disk a friend burned for me many years ago.  All the songs were meant to open my eyes...

One song had a line, Look What The Cat Dragged In.

Something about old ragged memories.  I could be more specific with title and artist but I need to get this out before leaving for an evening client in about 45 minutes.

I found another disk, in my CD's.  It was a copy disk of old documents from another computer.  I found some great pictures, songs.  I haven't changed all that much, except I am a few pounds curvier (not much btw, but I'll admit I'd love to be back to that...) and my hair is only slightly different.  I was much sexier.  Now there is something in my eyes that looks forced, guarded.

I found a PDF of txt messages of John.  A woman, Tiffany, made it with every bit of her chart making OCD skills.  She'd done it to essentially torture herself, me, and prove John had said he'd loved me more times than he'd said it to her.  There were a few other women messaging him too.  I was so innocent.  So in love.  So naive.  So, so, so stupid.  That won me the status of 'legitimate' girlfriend.  I was the one the family met... ...

I kind of feel sick. 

Yet, it's a little interesting to find it.  I haven't made him into a saint in his death.  I've worked hard to keep my thoughts and memories honest.  It is so confusing to have all this conflict within me.  Good, and so often bad.  Of course time softens the bruises and the scars age like an old road.  Things can grow over them when they are unused and faded... repaved with new material.

My chest cavity feels dizzy and pressed down.

I think maybe we find things as we are meant to sometimes. 

I need to forgive myself.  I need to move forward. 

I try to.

Right now, I don't know how.

Just keep moving on.