The Terrible Reality of This Single Parent

Hello, I am the Mother of two teen aged sons, 17 and almost 14. 

I have to admit, thus far junior high might be the death of me.  The stress of having a male child in junior high school is just terrible.  My oldest son had really inappropriate masturbatory habits, was flaky with his school work, and lied about almost everything. 

My almost 14 year old...exactly the same.  In fact, my youngest has felt the need to up his brothers terribleness and he is, as yesterday afternoon, suspended for two days.  Was he looking for a five day weekend?

Being the fool that he is, he is suspended for touching his 'best friends' breasts.  All fun and games until she is uncomfortable enough to tell on you to get you to stop.  As usual, he didn't bother to consider the consequences.  The disciplinary adviser let my son know, while he doesn't anticipate this happening again, my son will be speaking to a police officer and arrested if he harasses anyone this way again.

Right now he is writing his friend a letter of apology.

I get it.  He's stupid, impulsive, and didn't think.  The disciplinary adviser does not believe my son was being intentionally malicious or abusive, just stupid, impulsive, and thoughtless.    

I am upset with my son.  I love him absolutely even though he has been a major pain in the ass for years.  ADHD is no joke, coupled with a sensitive personality and high intelligence, it's stressful on levels I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Support would be nice.  Finding it is beyond difficult. 

The most difficult aspect of parenting my son is the second I feel I can relax, the moment I feel things are getting on track, it's an email or a phone call from school about his flaking out on his work, or not paying attention in class.  Sometimes it is petty, and like yesterday, sometimes it is serious.  It ranges from lesser, to middling, to serious.

I need it to stop.  I need things to even out.  I need balance.

This morning we called his father.  He discussed what our son told him over the phone.  He complained about his not having a very influential father/son relationship with our boys.  He said it's been that way 'since our divorce'.  He complained how the boys never call him or ask him for advice.

I can't help but think, they aren't 30!  They are self-absorbed teen aged boys trying to bridge the gap between being children to being adults while being inundated with mixed messages, expectations, and trying to navigate socially.

I suppose that is why it is hard for me to be truly angry with my son.  Is that my lack?  I am not angry enough?  I was assured by the Disciplinary Adviser that I am unlike most parents he encounters.  I care, I am doing all I can, it's not my fault my son is acting like a fool.  Not his exact words.

I don't know.  I carry a heavy burden of guilt.  My sons father seems to feel it is our children's job to pursue a relationship with him.  I have let him know so many times it is Our job to throw that line out again and again and again and again.  That they will eventually come around to wanting an adult relationship with us but that right now they are navigating their own lives more and more.  I asked him, 'How often did you consult your parents or did your parents know about all aspects of your private world as a boy or young man?'

He seems hard pressed to place experience and perspective of his youth, even of his life now, onto his understand his own sons.  He's ineffective in co-parenting and guiding his sons.  Our relationship has improved greatly over time because I require little of him.  He briefly complained that he doesn't get called unless there is a problem.  He has shown time and time again that he isn't interested in their accomplishments.  He might have shown up, when he was living here, but he was always in a hurry to leave.  He loves sports but instead of sharing and funneling that love to his sons he merely let them watch him participate.  When they were in sports he'd attend and leave early.  Once when our oldest tried playing football his father failed to notice his sons uniform was 5 sizes too small.  John was really disgusted by that.  Instead he informed John of the problem and left the field.  However, when our son found he didn't like football, or team sports in general (I think because he was afraid of failing the team and letting them down) and decided he was more geared to individual sports such as golf and cross country, his father insisted that he finish the football season (again, while not supporting his son at practice or games) and wanted him to sign up again the next season!  I agree our son should finish what he started, and he did.  He saw it through.  There was no way I was going to force him to sign up again.  His father wanted it, he said, because he always wanted to play but his parents wouldn't support him doing so.

Why do parents do that?  Burden their children with their unrealized school day dreams?

I simply want my sons to be happy.  To try things they are interested in, determine what their own dreams are.  I want them to learn these lessons, wonderful or painfully difficult now, while it is safe and they are boys, before they are required to be Men.

I am afraid and filled with guilt all the time that I have not, and am not, doing right by them.  That my stupid choices have created these difficulties.  Had I not chosen their father... had I not gotten divorced... had I not chosen John... had I not stayed with him so long... had I focused on my education when I was younger... made better choices... been a better mom in all the fall out... seen more, understood more, taken better action, been smarter, found help sooner, been a better protector...

I suppose that kind of thinking is like an acid.  It eats away at a person and weakens them.

My oldest seems to be finding a groove for himself.  I don't agree with every decision he makes or is making, but he does seem to be try to make some decisions, to find his own path.

We all eventually face those decisions, live our own lives.

I believe my sons and I will get past this moment and move on to other moments, good and happy, struggle and strain.

I'm just ready for some smoother sailing.  I am so very tired of the storm.