I'm An Optimist

When the dust settles, and it is settling, I am still an optimist. 

I have been experiencing motivation!  My 76 year old client, and my ex-mother-in-law.  A few girlfriends, a play.

Our Town.  A high school production.  The first performance I went to, embittered and annoyed and reluctant.  I left affected.  I went again with my sons and my sister.  That message twice taking form at the end of the third act in cool blue stage lighting. 

My girlfriends, accomplished and self reliant, or on their way.  Each with great support systems, empathetic, encouraging.  My girlfriends, women I know, they go through hard times, they make it through hard times and come out stronger, wiser.  They embrace life with more zeal and confidence or they work to do so.

When I was younger I didn't have enough experience to know whether I had confidence or not.  I had youth, I had Moxie through blind energetic youth.  I'd like to have that back again.  Wouldn't any of us that have come this far looking back?  I have enough wisdom, not much but enough, to not want to look back on this time down the line with regret and wish I'd embraced it better. 

I have a Mom and a client/friend, both in their mid-seventies.  They can touch their toes! I can't.  I can't!  I used to be able to.

Something clicked within.  A little bit of anger, a lot of quiet determination coupled with wisdom. 

I have let things slip in the last year and a half, probably longer.  Much longer. 

I am starting slowly.  Stretching, reaching for my toes, the floor.  Getting Limber.  I am shocked how tight I am in my frame, particularly my back.  That is what surprised me the most.  It's like I am corseted to the point of being immobilized, suffocated.  It's like I am being tightened and tightened and tightened.  The stretching is helping.  I haven't forgotten what I learned years ago.  Again I am taking it slow.  I want this to last.  I want to change fundamental things.

I find it interesting how just stretching seems to be a little bit of a stress release. 

It's time to start living again.  I'm finally ready to move forward with myself for myself.

I remember a year and a half ago I wanted to know how long this would take.  The mourning period, getting past loss.  Not just of John, and my family...but my ideas of how my life was supposed to be.

I still can't answer that.

I do believe it's never too late to embrace life with intent.

Sometimes it is difficult when I feel lonely and crave intimacy.  I wonder if I am letting moments pass me by, opportunity.

Then that need passes.  I accept it is there, allow myself to acknowledge how much I want it too...but I realize this space in my life, this place I am in right now is just as important, vital to my unique experience.

I like certain things about my life as much as I recognize things I would like to work on.  I am trying not to see those things I'd like to work on as 'work'.  I feel overwhelmed sometimes, clearly, but I stretch and take a moment to be in the moment, feeling the strain of my muscles and a gentle relaxing in the pull.  I remember to breathe and the things that overwhelm me seem more manageable.

How could I not be optimistic?

The Avengers is on TV.  It's very distracting.  I have a little bit of a headache.

I'll be 43 years old at the end of the week.