Ripples Can Distrupt What Is Reflected

Yesterday, Sunday.  I woke up to the sound and smell of rain.  Hard rain.  It was brief but any rain is welcome in California right now.  The cool heavy feel of moisture in the air was wonderful.  I had a day of no pressure, no worries.  Not really. 

Yet I still felt anxiety.  I could trace the triggers back to Barbara and letting her go and her insultingly crazy behavior.  Her ripples were causing anxiety and the anxiety was reflected onto Matt. 

I find it interesting how selfish we can all be.  How we get so wrapped in our bubbles of narcissistic perception.  How even if we know someone's circumstances we can often read our own issues into their behavior toward us.  I know I can, though, unlike others I have known, I don't inflict and project it onto others.  I try to step back and deal with myself first.  Regardless, I still felt anxiety and it Sucked.

I was doing this Saturday night, much of Sunday.  My feelings and my day were effected by a few text messages. 

Matt would message me and then seem disinterested.  Not his usual consistent self I was accustomed to.  I found myself thinking, why bother messaging me?  One of the things I like about Matt is he communicates.  He'll ask, and he'll listen to the answer.  He'll offer information.  He does this with everyone.  Saturday night I felt he was pulling away and still trying to be polite.  I was thinking, why bother?  Just be straight, or ask if you have something to ask. 

I also considered the things he has going on in his bubble...and left off any sort of confrontation knowing if I let it play out I'd have whatever answer I might need.

I did.  Later in the day he, Diana, and I decided have dinner here at my place.  We had a great night and he mentioned he is struggling with a decision about his living situation pending a possible promotion at work while he's been packing his things and dealing with his living situation.

There you have it.  We all have our little moments that effect our day and how we communicate with others. It's so easy to get lost in our worries and perceptions.

 I am glad I didn't just react outwardly to the triggers of my day or the last couple of days.  I rarely do. I am glad to learn it was just ripples and not my fears and insecurities coming true.

The day ended well.  I made beef stew and Diana, Matt, and his daughter Lizzy came over and my sons and I enjoyed dinner with our friends.

And this ends with a happy realization. 

These new friends are so different from my old relationships.  We laugh, and I find my laughter genuine.  We lingered and we were all sorry to see the evening end.  I haven't had this before, this genuine enjoyment of friends and company. 

Anyway...little steps.  And an interesting lesson in how I can be set back briefly, affected by something unrelated to my life in general.

Therapy

Square One

 Rolling with the punches.  As much as I strive to have a life that is balanced, reasonably balanced, I find that life tends to be a pot on a burner.  Though the setting is low, eventually the water will steam, boil, evaporate.

Am I in hot water?  Honestly, I am not sure I'd know.  Forgive the italics, I've tried to stop them but they persist.

Ive written recently that I am now the grateful but reluctant recipient of Medi-Cal.  I am happy to find that I am healthy and I have an opportunity to avail myself of mental health counseling.  Kaiser is a thorough hospital, in general.  I experienced this with my sons.  I've spoken to an assessment therapist.  She said I was remarkable.  She was impressed that I have done as much work as I have on my own.  That maybe a little therapy would help me get even further.  She also said that considering the trauma I've experienced that maybe I'd benefit from a prescription due to anxiety.  That long term anxiety can alter your brain chemistry and even the smallest trigger can set back progress.  I'm not particularly comfortable being medicated.  She referred me to a psychotherapist as the next step in the assessment process.  

I met with the psychotherapist the other day.  He's East Indian.  I am not sure he really understood what I was saying as I had to continually correct him when he'd repeat certain things back to me.  Perhaps it was a test to see if I would trip up in my own information sharing.  I filled out a form.  He didn't look at it once and asked me all the questions I'd already answered, writing on his little pad laying on his desk.  He had an interesting way of organizing information.  He wrote all over the page and I couldn't make sense of his placement.  I think it was something like 'Oh, here's an open space I can scribble on.'  I was more impressed with the Assessment Therapist.  She was impressive in her ability to follow what I'd told her...people, time line, experiences.

The psychotherapist was actually pleased I didn't want meds.  He referred me to therapy.  He also felt it might help me to talk to someone.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  

I'll be honest.  I am weary of telling the story of my past.  I am feeling as though I am so ready to move on, to move forward, to not carry it anymore.

So the other night I couldn't sleep because the loneliness made itself felt as it sometimes does.  

Now I am exploring the final ending of a toxic friendship.  I am finally ready to let go of someone I have known for many years and I am mourning it a little and I understand how right it is.  

Barbara is just unhealthy.  In general and in particular for me.  It's nice in a way, to come to this place of change in my life.  I don't feel like I have to fix her perception of me.  I don't feel the need to point out her issues to her (I never did but I thought about it).  I don't feel the need to compare myself to her, or hold on anymore.  I do find that I am sad to lose what I thought I had, or wanted.  I do worry that maybe my inability to form strong and lasting relationships indicates a major flaw in my own make up.  Then a quiet voice reminds me that these people I worked so hard to have relationships with were all reflective of each other and that many things in my past can not follow me into whatever future I will find myself in.  I hope I am not being narcissistic.  When I think things through I realize this one truth...all of the truly toxic people that have influenced my life in major ways are now out of my life.  The people that were critical and manipulative and self-serving are not there influencing my life.  These were major people in my life.  My mother, my ex-husband, John, Barbara.  

I confess I feel adrift.  This is something I'd like to talk to my therapist about, when I see him.  Is this normal?  I have a few new, tentative friends.  

I'll confess something else.  I am realizing I have trust issues.  I only let people so far in now.  I have been betrayed and abandoned by people that are supposed to be the ones I am supposed to trust and be able to rely on.  I am experiencing anxiety in these new friendships.  Cindy and I are kind and considerate and and building a decent friendship.  However, our family dynamics are so different.  She's married with three small children and our schedules keep us from building a strong friendship. I worry maybe I am not putting enough effort in?  Diana...this one is very tentative and we are very different.  She's very intelligent and a hard worker but is supported by her parents in her late 40's and she isn't a parent and she can be very judgmental and sensitive so I am a little afraid of her as we have had some problems already.  But I laugh with her and we seem to have worked past a few things.  She is also obese and kind of angry and insecure and I worry she might harbor some resentment toward me and probably feels that I am wasting what I do have to work with but when we talk about why we make certain decisions we do empathize with each other.  Matt.  He's a hard one.  I like him and I like spending time with him.  But he Likes me.  I haven't slept with him as I struggle with my attraction and my lack of attraction to him.  I feel I am seeing more and more in regard to his personality.  He isn't good at being alone I think.  His recent time-line on relationships doesn't fill me with confidence in regard to maybe choosing to cross that line with him and that is altering the things I find attractive about him.  I was attracted to his confidence, and his ability to read me...people, his empathy.  Namely his personality.  But he doesn't take time between relationships and I feel maybe he is getting bored and resentful that his being nice to me isn't playing into me deciding to have sex with him.  I am not sure if it is because he's gone just over a month with out sex so he is frustrated in general, or if he is frustrated with me in general because he can't manipulate me in this regard.  I feel I will be disappointed if that is all he turns out to be.  

It is something I don't like about myself.  Being a fragile person deep down.  Wanting to be able to trust the people in my life.  I don't like feeling hypersensitive and aware of subtle shifts in behavior.  

In regard to Matt I can hardly blame him.  My boundaries are set to protect me and are then reinforced when I find my hesitation was a well chosen course.  If he meets someone more willing he has every right to pull away and move on with his life and his next ex-girlfriend.  That may seem jaded, but in talking to him it seems to be his pattern.  It is a pattern I am trying to break in my life.  A little time and hesitation reveals a lot.  

I miss intimacy.  There are times when I question keeping myself from having sex.  I could have sex with out attachment or a relationship but even this involves a bit of trust doesn't it?

Last night I went downtown.  There were a few venues hosting an annual urban music fest.  I went with a new acquaintance and we had fun getting to know each other.  I like her.  I like how she talks about her life.  She's fortunate and knows it.  She has a healthy marriage and we have things in common.  While we were out I saw Adam.  I mentioned him a while ago.  He was the one guy I'd been very interested in running into one night at a show, he was with a man that was my first boyfriend when I moved to this city.  Anyway, the last few times I have seen him I have been a little embarrassed for him as he's been really drunk and socially retarded.  You know, the whole fractured fantasy thing.  Another moment I sighed in relief and lost interest.  Nicole laughed when he made a point to talk to the people we were chatting with.  I'm certain he doesn't know them in any real way, if at all.  I'd told her he has this thing he does when we are at the same venue (rarely).  He skims past me, gets in my eye line, and pretends we don't know each other, I'll catch him looking at me.  He proved my statement correct and she found it funny.  It's just become weird to witness.  It makes me feel that maybe none of us really gets past Jr. High.  

I'm watching Doctor Who.  I am hoping I can follow the little things that are important.  I'm the Doctor!  And Who are You?  Is it wrong I am empathizing with the Dalek?  It thought it knew itself and then it was changed by Rose...

Well, I suppose it is better to grow and change.  Those that do not become septic in life and personality.

You'd Think By Now They'd Get The Cords Right

Or the Chords...

Random thoughts tumble through my head, for hours and hours now.  I could try some deep focused breathing and stretches I guess, but I'm not.

I cried a little, I might cry a little more.  Sometimes feelings just get raw and stretched and sore.

Sometimes when I fee this way I can't help but find my mind drifting to some story in the bible.  Tonight I thought of Ruth.  I often think of her.  I could never understand how when she clung to Naomi and went with her to her home, how could she patiently do as Naomi told her?  How could she work in the fields gleaning and wait?  How could she wait for Boaz to notice her?  How could she avoid noticing the young men in the fields with her in her loneliness?  How could she follow Naomi's instruction?

John's death shifted something in me.  Something so big I can't even identify it.  All I know is I am changed.  I respond to nearly everything differently now.  I'm more aware of myself, for all the good it does me. 

I understand Ruth more now.  That loss, and mine was a loss whatever the details that made it less of one to others, changed me.  I'm grateful for it, but I'm lost too, or maybe just so different I hardly recognize myself.  I don't want John.  I don't want anything like that again.  I don't want people in my life like that ever again.  So I watch.  I'm patient in the moment.  Maybe that is what Ruth did too.  Not that Ruth was trying to avoid people that were like the people that have so long surrounded me and no longer do...but then, maybe that is why Ruth clung to Naomi.  She had nothing to go back to.  Perhaps like me, details aside, in her loss she wised up too.

But right now...right now I'm completely aware of my loneliness.  My sons can't bridge it.  The stuffed walrus I'd rescued back when I was bar tending, the one my youngest named Beaver when he was little is my only comfort.  I'd like to kick my cat out of the house, for good.  He's annoying and despicable.  The Walrus aka Beaver and the Despicable Cat can't bridge it.   

When I feel this way things hurt that normally I wouldn't even think about, that I'd even find myself relieved to know.  Like a male friend that likes me, wondering if he's in someone's bed tonight he'd met for dinner.  In truth I don't want him, but when I am like this I question.  I worry I'll lose someone else I have let myself trust.  Silly

Yet, I don't want to be held so badly that I let myself settle, or force him to, just because he's nice (to my knowledge to this point) just to hold off this feeling.  It doesn't just come at night.  I doesn't just come over me when I am finding myself challenged in my resolve to move forward.  It clings to me, fluttering around the core of me. It's a part of me now.  Somehow it feels as though it is here now for a purpose, but whatever length of time it will reside in me, reside in me it does.  It is a constant.  Sometimes muted, but sometimes it grows large.  The nagging ache that suddenly it is the only thing felt, the only thing I can be aware of.

I suppose I am not ready.  In these moments, I wonder if I will ever be.  Looking at the full moon in my mind.  The lonely rabbit leaping backwards. 

I don't believe a person will make me happy.  Believe it or not, through my struggles and loneliness I am happy, in a sense.  I like my own company.  I like my sons company.  I like my friends and acquaintances. 

I just want more.  I want a partner.  I just don't understand why it is I have to feel like I am admitting some weakness.  I don't understand why I am built with this want, with the understanding I am worth it and the sense it is sometimes far from me, sometimes right within reach but I can't see it yet.

What is in my make up, this archaic waiting.  I used to look for it, try to make it happen.  Didn't Ruth sort of do that?  What are my examples?  People I know and admire?  The Bible?  My Mother?  Pardon me while I swallow the vomit that just hit the back of my throat.  She is a corruption.  Her chosen person, chosen every day. As for the others, they hang there coaxing me ever forward.  They guide me and influence me not to settle.  They push me to be...

What am I? 

I am changed.  To what?

I cried a little, then a little more.  I wondered at how I have no idea what tomorrow will be and yet I strain after it.  Tonight I will likely sleep, at some point.  Rise before the sun and start tomorrow.  I feel confident enough that I will wake as I am apparently quite fit, so unless something catastrophic happens...

What is tomorrow? 

A hope for things not yet seen?  A hope for things not yet known?

Where does this hope spring from...

I guess it doesn't matter really.  This is a moment where the flutter, the sound of it, overwhelms the voice within that keeps me positive.  It acknowledges how tired I feel sometimes.  Keep moving forward.  Keep moving forward.  Don't be afraid to work harder.  Go on with your life, no waiting now!  And then, like tonight, this other thing rises up craving comfort so acutely.

Anyway, goodnight.  No more thinking with my keyboard.

And Then...

I don't remember the last time I went to the doctor for a visit.  It was easy to avoid as I have always been generally healthy.  Does knocking on wood really work...no matter, I am going to knock on some. Done.

Also done, doctors visits.  I had my girl visit!  I had blood drawn, swabs, had my girl parts checked.  Without appointment I had my second ever mammogram.  I did a fasting blood panel the next day and met my new medical doctor, after my gyn nurse practitioner.  I am clean.  Clean and healthy.  Remarkably so.  I don't have my lab back from my pap yet, or my mammogram but I've been told everything is looking good.

I know a great group of women that are making me feel supported and cared for, and they work at my hospital.  One of them personally talked to my medical doctor and I am now her patient, when the doctors panel was closed.  I am so happy to have this doctor.

My new doctor referred me to dermatology to get my skin checked.  Being fair complected, fair of eye, and red of hair I am really glad to have this visit coming up.  She's also referred me to a vascular doctor for a dye test of my veins as I have some problem with  my legs (due to my pregnancy with my youngest son).  This is so great because I have private paid for these treatments (something like
$4,000).  I can get deep vein and blue vein treatment which will make my legs feel so much better.
She also referred me to mental health to a therapist she thinks is wonderful.  She said I have done a lot of great and hard and effective work on my own, but I am glad she thinks I could use a little help to get to a higher level.

In this same week, yesterday in fact, my oldest son turned 18.  It's kind of cool.  I like my son and the man he is becoming.  Last night we went to a college night hosted by our city.  It was very crowded and filled with resources for kids and the parents that went with information and a touch base for colleges all over the country.  I am most pleased my son showed interest.  He's insisted he doesn't want to go to college, but I think he is now considering it.  He'd gone off on his own for a few hours and checked out stuff on his own, pretending he didn't know me or his brother.  I picked up extra materials I thought he might have missed.

My poor son...his birthday falls in the hottest month, when I am always my most broke.  This is a big one too!  He's 18.  This time of year is always tough for me...August, back to school.  An incoming Freshman and an Outgoing Senior is extra expensively wonderful.  Total tap out.  September is car smog, car registration and typically slow at work on top of my sons birthday.  Yes I planned ahead and still broke.  So his birthday 'gifts' are on delay, though I did buy him a rock tee he loves, and a Star Wars tee he also loves.  My plan is to take him to a local shop to buy more rock tee's, a local used music and DVD store to buy whatever, The Scottish Games (this is as much for me as them because I have wanted to go for years and always seem to see the date for the event on the back of a bus, the day of, when it is over), and that same evening several punk bands are playing an all ages show.  He's a cool guy and happy to wait for what I came up with.



A bit more, I have stopped online dating.  It's a pain in the ass.  However, I think it had the desired effect.  I experienced what I really wanted, the across the room look.  I have no idea if I will ever see The Sculptor again.  I'd really like to.  However, the little steps taken in online dating have brought me to a place I like and though the men I met were nice they were so far away from anything I want for my life and consistently so I had to give it up.  I think I will focus on fitness instead...walking with my IPod, getting a yoga and stretching routine going at home, and my little yoga class.  As well, I will take a computer literacy class through adult ed.  Move my life forward.  I want my personal/romantic life to be realized but there are a lot of other things I'd like have happen as well.  Those I Can personally control.  I guess the rest is up to my instincts and the Universe.

Really I Am Just A Girl

No wave is the same.  I remember when I was young I'd get caught in that place between breaking waves.  The rise and fall of the trough as they'd crest.  The beach and safety cut off from sight.  I remember that breathless feeling and trying to suck in enough air to last just long enough under water before I could get my sense of up and down back so that I might ascend into the light, or the waning light.

I love that time of day.  When the sun creates long shadows in its blinding brightness.  Everything a silhouette in front, bright harsh relief behind.  It feels like moving into something, as though I have become less solid and I am merging around it and into the little spaces in between.  

Like the ocean and how it surges around a large rock covered in sea anemones.  I am just another piece of flotsam in the jetsam.  The surge doesn't recognize me, it doesn't recognize the rock.  I float within the foam and froth, spinning and being shot around it into the crest of the wave and I ride it to shore.  After I am safely on shore, I rush back in.

I was fearless.  I was fearless.

Where did I go?

Did I descend too far under the barrel of the wave, sucked into the spiral and pressed down?  Am I simply an oxygen deprived dream of the mind now?  I can still see the little things floating in the air bubbles as I am crushed down tumbling and twisted by the weight of the water.  Did I swim down looking for the light thinking I would ascend?  Did the cool caress of water lure me there?

All one has to do is stop trying.  Stop and float upward into air and light. 

I want to be fearless again.  I need to stop trying.

My day and my subconscious are preoccupied.  Really I am just a girl consumed by a moment.  I am between building waves, my sight cut off from land.  I am discarded in the surging powerful break of water dreaming...dreaming of someone.

How could I be reduced to this lack of control?  Remember to breathe, to hold it in...I tell myself this over and over.

Fear fingers through my hair and wraps itself around my skin like seaweed.  I can not control or create an outcome. Why not?  Aren't I at that place in my life where I can reign in the wave?  Can't I be fearless and step in?

All of this because there was a man and look across a room. I have learned that my faith is thin and transparent.  I have no control and I hate it.  I have to give it up.  The thrill and the fear.  Either I drown or I ascend.  I have to let the wave do its work.  Resistance is futile.  We are all just little flotsam and jetsam anyway.  All just little motes carried on a whim.

Verbal Drag

Ever watch the news or any show really and experience the delay between the picture and the sound.  I have always thought of it as verbal drag.

I feel like everything is in Verbal Drag.

The Conversation I'm Having With Myself

I need to get some of this down...just a bit of the process...this never-ending process...I'm frustrated

I need to cut Matt out.  God, that sounds harsh in my head when I read it, think it.  This is about listening to my instincts though, my feelings, my needs and wants.

He's super nice.  He really wants to please me.  His assurances are really getting to be annoying.  So much can be said with out being said and he says too much.  Not a little too much.  Way too much.  I feel concerned he is letting everything that flows through his mind come out of his mouth.  Like every red light, 'I want to make sure you are okay.  I want to go slow.  I don't want to mess this up.'
'I like you a lot and I think you are a good person.'  'No matter what tell me what you want.  I want to learn what you want.'  OMG it hasn't been a month.  This is why I wait.  I am starting to see things I really don't like.  Little things that indicate big things.  He's so sweet.  Too sweet.  He needs better boundaries, not just with me.  Even his friends think he needs better boundaries.  Maybe if I felt a connection to him I wouldn't mind being that person.  But I don't, and I do.

I like him, but there isn't any chemistry for me.  There appears to be though. So I was trying to let things play out.  I have kissed him, a few times.  The way it feels to be touched is amazing but I am not connected to him.

It is the touch itself, the kiss itself.  Not even the kiss.  The touch. His hand on my back, the pads of his fingers trailing down my arm, his knuckle stroking down my knee...

I have to acknowledge I could close my eyes and it could be nearly anyone touching me and it would feel heavenly.

It's not enough.

So I've allowed things to progress a little.  I haven't had sex with him, but I have these moments when my body demands more...more, more. I am so, so glad I didn't go that far.  I''m so glad I didn't listen to those demands because I know myself, I would regret it.

So I mostly ignore it, that feeling of wanting more, but this man is quickly developing feelings for me and I could find myself with him if I just let myself give up on the things I want.  Because he's really kind and thoughtful and giving and assuring and assuring and assuring...

I think it is a confusing thing I am navigating in my head.  Is the Universe saying, here ya go Sugar... except this one thing or these few things... figure it out.  Is it that he is the guy I should have been wanting?  Just because he's nice?  I have met a lot of nice guys. Does that mean I should settle for him, or accept it because my friends think we are good match just because he wants to treat me well?  I don't want to take advantage of someone's heart and hopes.  That's not right.  To me it isn't.

I've often thought if there is any question of doubt then the answer is most likely no. 

I want more...I want a man that is more fully realized with out me and chooses me.  A man that challenges me, a man that fits.  I do not want a man that sees me as an oasis from the current crap he has going on.  I want to be more than a pleasant distraction and a muse turned love interest to someone I am not really interested in.

You'd think by 43 I wouldn't have to even say these things to myself.

Last night I found myself curiously observing as I watched us from the outside.  We went to see some art installations with a girl friend of his.

The first installation was a building of different display rooms and studios.  I liked several, in particular the metal sculptor.  Amazing work.  As well, for the first time in a very long time, I experienced that look across the room, well, before I entered the room.  Several times after.

I wandered into other rooms within the studios to look at others artists work.  Some very appealing artists work.  It felt so good to see what people can create.  It's been a long time since I felt inspired to create and to be able to talk to other artists.

Before we left to go to another location we were in the Sculptor's room again.  That look.  I knew Matt was aware of it, I could feel it coming off of him in waves.  He mentioned the 87 year old artists glomping onto me a few minutes before, he gave me a discount on a little Japanese water color study he'd done when he'd been in Japan.  Back in the Sculptor's room he really noticed, but didn't say anything...then Matt touched my back to take possession.

I know he noticed the Sculptor's interest as he'd move in close to indicate we were together. I couldn't help that he did.  We have no commitment, I've made that clear.  However, he still pushed the boundary and the Sculptor turned to talk to a really tacky girl after Matt touched my back and I was disappointed.

This is why I don't like spending time with men, and why I do.   With the wrong man people assume so damn much. With the right one it is wonderful.  I am frustrated I allowed this to happen.

At the next installation I ran into my photography instructor and mentor from college.  It was such a great surprise.  I love this man and his work continues to impress me.  I'd honed in on it without realizing it was his.  I focused on it then finally looked at the little cards by the work and immediately turned to look for him.  He was right there!  We spoke for a few minutes.  Matt was doing the velcro thing and I it made me feel crowded.  I felt the understanding sinking in and felt sad too.  Sad I'd not addressed it sooner, that I'd let little things happen because part of me wants and I didn't control it.

I don't like being crowded by him and I realize too late it is because I like him, but I don't LIKE him.  He's like a girl friend to some extent and even I feel like I am insulting him with that definition when I think it.

I want someone nice.  I want someone that has aspects of who he is but not him.

These little complications.  I have been taking it slow.  I have allowed a little.  I realize I compartmentalized with him and that is not what I am looking for.  Some things flow easily but I think that is because he is working very hard to make it seem like it is. I think I was trying to choose Matt because he's so nice and working hard to be what I need.  Anyone else would have taken what they want and then been fine letting it go.


I feel the need to introvert and pull away for a while.  From all of it.

I have these little demons crawling my back and resting on my shoulders whispering about their hunger...

I know what we'd like, more than they do. They are superficial and want sensation and that is so much like flying too close to the sun.  How else do I find that balance but to test myself?  To go through things like this, work through it to perhaps eventually arrive where I'd like to in regard to a relationship.

Like with Matt...in less than a month I spent a little time with him and realized I don't like him very much.

I want the look across the room.  I want someone I want too.  I want someone that has their own interests and ones they share with me.  I want someone that it is easy with.  I want someone Taller than I am, I really do.  I want someone that challenges me. I want a mutual fit.  I don't feel like I should have to choose someone because they have chosen me and that is what I am experiencing.  I want a mutual choosing.

I want to see the Sculptor again.



An aside. Since I have updated this a few times anyway what does it matter?
Dating is sort of two extremes right now.  I don't like that I am meeting men that I don't like that like me too too much.  I don't like those questions that form inside my head on a sort of slow delay.  Do you even like this guy? But why don't you like this guy?  I need to have a harder line and I feel like I have made that line more elastic because I wanted to give myself a chance to get to know them.  Matt is a prime example of this.  The more I got to know, the more I didn't like.  I knew right away he wasn't right so why did I bother?  All I did was set myself on short path of confusion and darken the bright joy of my first 'look across the room'
Yes, I will get over it.
What I do like...the mirror image of the above experience.  I haven't dated before.  I haven't put myself out there in this way before.  Active dating is draining.  It is less about the men I meet and more about me.  I am learning about myself and so I am a bit irritated I am being so hard on myself.  Like I said above, most people I know would just do whatever they want and walk away with no self recriminations.   For example, the woman we were with on this Art Walk night.  She's completely focused on this other Matt that has a girlfriend.  I like him and I like his girlfriend.  Matt's friend is very open about herself and I learned she has slept with him and his brother.  She is open in general about her dates and their intimacy.  She dragged me to a bar her obsession told her he was having a drink in.  OMG awkward.  I allowed it because it was good to get away from Matt and my growing negative view of him. 
I am learning about myself, about my boundaries.  To some people I have boundaries that are too tight, to me I feel crashed in on.  I am proud they are holding.
But I can't help it...I am thinking about Sculptor.  Why?  Why him?  Why that night?  Why did it play out like that?
And that thinking leads to me being very hard on myself.  This leads to me wanting to pull away from it all.

Last night I took my sons out to dinner.  Really I should shop and cook, but work was long and tiring and I wanted to go to the food trucks and sit and have a craft beer in a red Solo cup and spend time with my boys, watch them choose their own dinner.  A band played an instrumental version of The Girl from Impaema.
Colleen was there.  I immediately walked away and joined my sons at our table.  She came over and I ignored her.  My sons were merely polite.  She is my mother and the most toxic person I have ever encountered in my life.  She thrives on it.  There is a tsunami of information I could offer about how she is a blight on humanity and had I addressed her I would have been within rights to stomp on her and she knows it.  She finally walked away.
Dinner was delicious.  I slept like a rock.  I woke up at five (not what I'd hoped) and wanted to write here.  Then I stared at the page and felt horrible and superficial and shallow and silly.