To Give Me Just What I Need

So many things are stacked up in me.  Things I am holding on to, illusions of myself and my life.  I try to sort them out and they slip like eel's through my grasp, hide in little crevasses, and zip out to tag me when I'm not prepared.  When I feel like I have it all dialed in, they let me know I'm a fool.

What is odd is I am developing a level of comfort with this.  Knowing I don't know shit about anything, can't predict the next five minutes much less anything past that.  Knowing I can't predict anything in my inner world is fine until I am struck with something and find myself trying to assess my responses much less being able to address the situation in a timely manner, or knowing if I am handling it well when I address it right away.

I am seeing things I couldn't see before, or wouldn't.  I am open now and they are there offered up, or shoved in my face in the most 'wtf where did this come from?!!?' way.  Things about myself, people in my life.  The most uncomfortable things I see, how others see me or how I come across to others.

I am comforted by Greg's seeing through my grief and my walls and my sadness, and seeing a woman worthy of love and respect and appreciation and desire to impart love to.  He's flew away today but he left a mark of hope within me.

I am saddened to finally understand a friend of many years is not and honestly hasn't been a friend at all.  It's so one sided, and now we seem to not understand each other in the simplest ways, but she's always connected in her need for unconditional acceptance when her life is complex and spiraling.  I painfully learned this on an already terribly difficult day, today, when she made a vicious and crazy personal attack of me.  It's horrible to realize our friendship, if it ever was, is absolutely over on a day when I am most deeply feeling loss of love and family.  Her attack is frivolous at best and twisted.  I know I did nothing wrong and I am finally in a place to, yes, still review my actions from her POV, and realize I did in fact did NOTHING wrong.  What is wrong is I have persisted in continuing trying to maintain a friendship with her over the years. I am actually concerned about her alcoholism and I feel it is a large factor in her behavior, along with the plain and painful fact she doesn't and never has had any respect for me.  It isn't just me she attacks, but today was just wrong and bizarre.  She might apologize at some point, more likely she'll try to pretend it never happened.  I'll find a way to forgive her when I stop feeling hurt, but I won't forget and I am not interested in being her friend.

Having been alone since John passed for the last year, I am very curious when I am aware of someone that finds me desirable or if I am approached by someone who does.  I pull back and I also want so badly to experience it, to see what they see.  I am afraid to let anyone in too close or at all, and at the same time I am getting closer to letting myself go there all the time wondering what it is I am waiting for?  I suppose someone I find desirable as well... but someone has been closer than others, others that in no way could be anything other than blink of a moment, or nothing more than a mind delving kind of plaything if I had the ability.  You know, to see through their minds eye, know their thoughts. 

And What is Really Strange is... it sort of IS there.  I see things, I just avoid acknowledging them unless they are blatantly brought to my attention. Like today with my friends attack.  Or if someone is forward in their attraction.

Why do I hold back.  Why am I holding back?

The Fury in me, that's the name for all the aspects of me I try to keep in check, named in a humorous story I wrote from another blog a long time ago.  Well, she is just tired of taking my 'friends' crazy shit and letting it go and letting everything be okay somehow.  I tried a little today to get a dialogue going, but 'friend' was out to injure, not give tough friend love.  I have other friends now, friends that don't use things against me for their cruelty.  Friends that I always leave feeling happy,and fullfilled after spending time with them... not vaguely confused and uncomfortable.  Friends the like me for me, let me be myself, mutual, wonderful women.

I wish 'friend' would get back together with her boyfriend and practice her dysfunction there and stop torturing her friends by blindsiding them and putting them on the defensive.  She can go back to keeping it in her tight little circle of hearth and home.

There is guy that's creeping past my walls. A big maybe I could go there.  I am wanting to feel, even if I don't feel it deep down.  I really have no idea until I go there.  But I won't know until it happens.  I think he sees my outer walls... He pointed out that not only do I have them but I let people know why they are there.  He said I don't need to do that.  I just need to have my boundaries drawn, not explain why, that with the why I give someone power to manipulate me.  He's so right.  I was embarrassed to have him tell me and at one moment I put my hand over his mouth.  I needed to hear it.  However, he can think he knows me, but the inner boundaries, those that protect my heart... that inner me that is being realized and is practicing Being... he has no idea she exists.  I do.  I recognize her more and more everyday.  Grow stronger with every little lesson, and big one.

I'm curious though, how do you get to know someone without knowing where they have been, where they are, where they might be going?  I have so much to learn.  I Am an open book.  I do let people know how I feel.  I Am 'A plan without a plan.'
*Interesting things he's said to me when he's comfortable and talking to me when he's very tired.

Those Fury aspects in me have needs. What are those aspects?  My instincts, my boundaries, my Moxie, my gumption, my visceral Joy, That spark of life deep inside me that has been battered by the people I should have been nurtured by and should have been able to trust at the core of my life. My anger, my Fighter, my self-protective inner strength...

I'm learning to embrace myself.  I am changing so much.  I am afraid to let it happen too fast, of making mistakes that strip me of the process... So much has happened in such a short period of time.  So much loss.  I've been trying to hold on to what I have left, be cautious about what/who I let in.  I really want to learn how to function in the world again.  I recognize I have this amazing opportunity to start over again, make a good life.


It seems I am still being tagged by eels.  I may always be, probably will be.  They might not always be my own.

I want to keep moving forward.

"Absorb what is useful.  Discard what is not.  Add what is uniquely your own." ~Bruce Lee~