First Impressions

Last Friday my friend told me she was giving my number to a guy she was supposed to be going out on a date with.

Yeah, I thought it was weird too.  I wondered why, and I figured he wouldn't message me because he was interested in her.

Well, he did.
First impressions were varied.  He was easy to message, but that’s not a stretch.  He was attractive, though not really my type.

The messaging on Friday was unfocused on my part because I was finishing up work and focusing on getting out, getting home, and hitting the road by 7:30pm at the latest to go to Southern California to see my girlfriend and her family.

I closed off out messaging saying I’d see him Monday for our date and to have a good weekend.  The drive to So Cal was smooth, we arrived in great time.  I watched the movie The Purge with my step son, his girlfriend, Julie’s twin boys, and my sons.  I liked it.  The kids couldn't get over how stupid some of the characters were.

I crashed, and Saturday was a lazy day mostly spent watching Long Island Medium on demand in Julies bed with her and her daughter, all of us under the electric blanket because I chose the one weekend California weather decided to get cold, and windy.

Julie, her husband, her aunt, and I had plans that evening.  I've never been to a Casino.  It just wasn't my thing, that’s why.  I played the penny slot with a dollar and won six.  I bought us each a drink.  Under poured whisky for me and her Long Island was as drink the bar tender should have been deeply ashamed of.  The drinks were $15.  The people watching was priceless.  A crazy man sat next to me.  Yes, crazy.  When we were waiting for her husband and aunt to meet us when were ready to leave, a man was very focused on making eye contact with us while he actively and deeply picked his nose.

Earlier that evening I’d decided get ready several hours early so we weren't rushing and pressed for time, or at least I wouldn't be.  Then I kicked back in lounge pants and a soft t-shirt and checked my phone.

He’d messaged me that morning.  I returned the message and we started texting back and forth off and on the rest of the weekend.  Sunday morning he sent and early text and woke me from a nightmare.  It wasn't too much, he was complimentary but not overmuch.  It seemed we were on a good wavelength.

The only downside was he’d sent me some pictures.  You know, no shirt, buff work out guy pictures.  I couldn't help but wonder … is he going to be that guy that works out all the time and needs constant approval and appreciation for how ‘healthy’ he is.  I wasn't looking forward to being right.  I only have head shots on FB and my phone.  I sent him a few recent ones and tried to take a body shot, got the knees up in my trackies and blue t-shirt.  So he’d see, I wasn't a work out girl, but I was what I said I was, slender-curvy, soft.

Outside of that his timing was nearly miraculous.  Never too much, never too little.  He put effort in.

We met Monday, several hours earlier than planned as we were both free and he’d asked saying he didn't want to wait anymore.

I was early, he was moments behind me.  He did look something like his pictures.  A shorter, thicker, less muscled version of himself.  His face rounder, his clothing a bit sloppy I guess because he was dressed from the waste up.  To be fair he’d sent me a group photo of him at a Zombie pub crawl, not dressed up but certainly still thinner than the man who walked in and sat down.

I didn't obsess about it, but I didn't let go either.  I just noted it.  There are ways to make a first impression.  There are ways to wear jeans and a t-shirt.  He did it the other way.

We had a fun conversation.  We agree on a lot of things, but that can be expected on a first meeting after a comfortable level of messaging and attraction is achieved.  He was far more attracted to me than I was to him, but what the hell, I was drinking whisky, even if I was drinking it slowly.

I kept thinking he needed a haircut, clothes that fit better, and that if he was working out his pictures wouldn't end up being a total lie.  If he wasn't that was cool too.  He wasn't a work out dickhead, and his pictures of his sons gave me hope he wouldn't be turned off by mine.

I liked him.  There was no love at first sight, no lust a first sight, he was comfortable, attentive, sweet.  We took a walk and I liked the way he just held my hand.  I was intrigued that he is Cajun by birth and his accent only comes out when he’s with his family.  I was interested in seeing him again.

The whisky promoted a deeper goodnight kiss than I would have allowed otherwise, early goodnight kiss because we both had to get home to kids.

We messaged later and decided he’d catch me up on The Walking Dead as I’d missed three episodes.  We decided he come to my place the next morning.  I didn't feel the ‘wtf are you thinking’ effect until a little bit later, probably as I sobered up completely and got a clear head.  I kept thinking, ‘I don’t know this guy and I am having him to my home?!? He seems a little needy, what if he IS a creep?  What if He is the Stalker type?!?’

So like an idiot I cleaned house and still let him come over after setting a ground rule, which was No Making Out.

Ends up he’s not a murdering rapist, my instincts were right about that.  We sat together on the couch and watched the Walking Dead.  He had plans to meet his friend, and acquaintance of mine and a friend of my girlfriend that set us up.   So we had boundaries.  Though I do understand he could have raped, beaten, murdered, and stashed me in my home, showered and met his friend for lunch all in the time it took us to watch The Walking Dead.

Yes, I thought I shored up my boundaries better than that.  Evidently not.  Noted.

I like his hands.  He has great hands.  He’s the kind of man that would give me a back rub and not skimp on time or attention just to move it to sex or because he gets distracted by, well, the fact he isn't really into giving me a neck or back rub and he saw something shiny.  I also realize he’s uber attracted to me and probably wants to touch a lot of me and the neck rub was all he was getting because of my ground rule.  He didn't break the rule but he did comfortably mold me to him while we watched Walking Dead.  I think he even dozed off a few times.  I think I might have.

I found myself thinking:
His shirt smells like it was left in the wash a little too long, there is a slight smell of mildew, doesn't he notice?
He’s sweet, but when will his own personal version of asshole show up and is it an asshole I am willing to deal with or is it something nightmares are made of.  Like where’s the ‘Ahhhh, there you are’ guy I an waiting to reveal himself.
I’m not sure I am into him… I can’t work it out, why… it is that he’s barely taller than I am?  Am I shallow?
I’ll let things play out because honestly so far there is more positive than negative and the little things I am not into I'll think about why…

So I have been.

Our next round of messaging was less inspiring.  It seemed like things weren't as on as they were before.  Night before last he drunk messaged me.  I didn't like that.  I believe he was trying to compliment me, tell me I’m open and I let people know how I feel.  That I see.  I hear.  I feel.

My response, no shit.  It was a rude response because he was confusing me and making me uncomfortable because he was drunk.  He mis-wrote things, had tons of typos.  His initial attempt was rather insulting, though I looked at it and realized what he was, I hoped, attempting to type.  That I was an open book.  But it came out differently… something like I needed to read a book… and I am still not sure he was trying to compliment me or not.

The next morning he apologized but offered nothing more, no form of explanation, or offer to clarify his intent.  It put a bad taste in my mouth.

I was already struggling with my feeling comfortable but not overly attracted to him.  I’d been questioning myself.  Remembering my ex-husband, not a good parallel to draw.  Comfort, but not attracted.  Similar in build, though This guy is much more attractive.    But I also remember settling for my ex.  I remember how right after marriage he became a needy slob.  I could see that potential in this guy.

I thought about my last encounter.  How the other man made me feel something again other than grief or just the hollow numbness I’d been existing in for so long.

I asked myself, am I only attracted to assholes?  Is it just the guy with the devil in his eyes that lights me up inside?  Why am I not attracted to this guy?  Would it grow, would he stay all the good things I see now, is this just what he’s showing me?

I don’t want to go backwards.  I don’t want to settle for what seems like a nice guy and end up with my ex.
I don’t want to get blinded by lust with some guy that doesn't deserve me.

Nothing was really clear, maybe it was, but I thought to myself, ‘I’ll see him again, see how it plays out.’

We made plans for Monday to walk a trail at the park.  He cancelled.  He started to go kind of warm and lukewarm on me.  Again, messaging can be misread.

I think he wanted to have sex with me, enough to put effort into me expecting a quick response.  Wrong girl.  He should have stuck with my friend who decided to get us together.  She and I are different people, and maybe with a different man I would go there and either see it move forward or move on, but I’m not really built that way no matter how sometimes I wish I was, when I feel lonely.

He, in what for him was a random and lengthy  statement in a message, said that he felt he was pushing me to be close to him as he wanted to be with me and we should try to be friends first and if it develops into more great and if not no one is hurt.

Hmmmmm.  Other little things in the background came forward.  My girlfriend breaking the plans we all had for this Saturday with their mutual friend, this guy messaging me that he’d been texting her and he pissed her off when she mentioned she’d shut down her dating profiles, he said he had too and that it was sad.
That could mean two things, sad they shut them down, or the sites themselves are sad (as in creepy, something we’d talked about on our date).

Then her pressing me for feedback on how much I like him, whether we were going out again.

I don’t have much to offer.  We message, he was great at first, now not so much.  He misrepresented himself in pictures, but there’s things I like, things I am not sure of.  Yes, I was considering seeing how it played out…
Until the ‘Let’s be friends thing’

So I told her I don‘t know, I‘m still working out my first impressions.
There were just too many things to tell her if I wanted to, I felt it better left for a real conversation rather than her cryptic way of texting.

No answer was good enough.  I think she was feeding him information back.  It’s what my instincts tell me.

Today she asked me again saying she thought we were spending the day together.  No.  I am working, he’s working.  He broke our Monday plans and said he just wants to be friends.

“And What do you want?” she asked me.

I messaged back, “I want things to move and progress easily if they are meant to.  I’m not interested in complicated.  I’m absolutely not interested in forcing anything.”

“But all relationships take work.” she said.

“I don’t have a problem with work.” I replied.

“So what happened with him?” she asked

“Nothing.” I finished.

She’d asked me the other day if the other guy has messaged me yet.  I responded, ‘Of course not, LOL’ This man is 48 years old and asking his friend for a month is he should message me?

Sometimes I think it would be an education to follow her thought process.  To hear her thoughts.  I think they might be unkind in regard to me.  I think I am her non-judgmental friend when she’s in crisis, her occasional get out and have fun friend, but she often flakes out and she always invites someone else along.  It is a weird complicated friendship I hold on to because of our history, because of time.  Because of my first impressions of her.




I felt pressure from her to be ‘something‘.   This situation is just too damn complicated already and I have only seen him twice.

I haven’t responded to his “let’s be friends” text.  He’s messaged me several times today.  I suspect when he’s simply bored.

See?  The timing is off, things have skewed.  I am not going to waste my time being some guys part time, his bored text messaging.
I am not going to push myself into something that is falling apart before it began.
I may sound foolish but I believe something is blocking the process from going further.
If we end up going out sometime or meeting up that’s fine, but for me the moment, the opportunity he had has passed.


I don’t particularly like ‘dating’.  It feels false somehow, I don’t know.

I decided I don’t want to meet someone through my friends or co-workers or anyone.  I’m not into dating sites, they creep me out, more power to you if you are there is no judgment from me.  I just see my friends, my ex doing it and their stories are just, stressful or creepy.  And they communicate they feel this way.  They say at first it is flattering, then it is just draining.

 I get the same stuff IRL why add constant updates on my phone to my life?


So… I made a list of the things I want in the man in my life if he’s meant to be there.  I've heard it’s a good practice.  To write down what you want, kind of pray over it, then let it be.

I’ll say it again, I have the most fun just relaxing in my own life and going out with my girlfriends.  These other experiences have been draining.

I’m learning from these experiences.  It bothers me, the kind of men I've been coming across.  They all seem really weak to me in one way or another.  I mean concentrated versions of Normal.

I don’t mind vulnerability, I mean weakness.
I don’t believe it is just men.  I think people are addicted to being in love.  I get it.  I’d love to be in love… I’d love, seriously, to be in love, to have sex with someone, to be touched, to have Fun in bed and out.

I just want more.  I want something deeper than a few days or weeks or months, or like with John, years struggling to capture what it can and/or should be.

I’m not interested in wasting my time.  This one played itself out, I let it go a little further than I should have when my instincts knew better, just like with the other guy.

I’m learning, and I’m content.  That is I recover contentment after getting past the cagey feeling within a few days after the ripple effects dissipate.