A Pleasant Distraction

It was there all along, sleeping within me.  It was perfect.  Just enough.  Dark eyes and sensuous lips resting on a face I could read plainly.  My god, someone I am attracted to but not someone I could lose myself in.  

It happened right away, that little thrill of desire I ruthlessly suppressed and he gently persisted.  I was ready to give chase and it was fun to run, to be barely caught, to escape to run again.  Fun to be caught and when he touched me I didn't retreat like before when others tried to touch me. It wasn't forced in any way.  Why him?  The banter?  The look in his eyes?  Yes.  My body said yes and my heart and mind knew that was enough.  I didn't retreat.  That was enough.  He kissed me like I haven't been kissed in a very, very long time. It was he kind of kissing where all the promise is laid bare and even the kissing can be enough.

Interestingly he isn't even close to what I am 'interested' in, and not only in looks.  How does that happen?  Someone that could draw out those feelings but someone I wouldn't be interested in seriously.  That is unfamiliar to me.  It was good to understood right away he would be a pleasant distraction.

The way he looked at me, bold and unapologetic.  That I wanted him to look at me that way.  He surprised me.  He made me laugh.  He was fun and he made me feel that spark of life within me again.  A taste, a sampling.

He kissed me and I felt desire.  Nothing more.

Desire is something I haven't felt for a long time. I am pleased it isn't more than it was.  I felt desirable,  I felt uninhibited.  I was boldly honest, and felt I could be naked and it would only be pleasant.  I could imagine myself having more than his asking touch and his kiss.  I believe it would be like a fire, hot and bright and consuming - yet I have no desire to know beyond what I already knew.  I believe it would be hot and bright and consuming.  I also believe there is little fuel to have it burn for long.  I don't believe he has what I want or what I need.  I could try to satisfy the initial attraction but I feel it would end in disappointment.  Why ruin it?

This pleasant distraction was enough.  Perfect in the moment.

Enough to let me know there is desire within me.  Enough to let me know he isn't enough.  Enough to let me know I want more.

I want more and I won't waste my time trying to make a pleasant distraction something more than it was meant to be.

He doesn't know what he wants.  Even if he wanted me more than than just desire but actual value of me, even if he had a clear path to pursue me I don't want him.  I don't want to be a catalyst, to simply be sand rushing out of his grasp, or a fragrance that quickly dissipates if he tried to pursue me in any real way.  No I am not that to him as much as he is not that to me.  I am content to be a vivid moment that perhaps awakens his mind from the dull acceptance he is allowing his life to be.  Acquisitions and mergers.  Settling for that.  We all have our paths.  I've been on that one.  It is not my path.

After seeing him I arrived home, I changed my clothes, washed my face, brushed my teeth, drank a glass of water and poured another.  While doing this I listened to the echo of his words.  Thinking about how when he kissed me I wanted more.  I wanted to lose myself to sensation and its good it was nothing more than kissing.  I came home and when I was laying there remembering his kiss and his touch and the desire I wasn't left wanting more.  I simply  lay prone beneath the weight of blankets feeling how cold my bed was waiting for it to warm.  Knowing if I was to have it warmed by another I wouldn't choose him.  I wasn't burning and unfulfilled.  I didn't feel the need to finish what we'd started.  The fire was banked, I wasn't restless as I had been during the day or the days since I'd first met him.  I simply fell asleep, content with the pleasant distraction and feeling no desire to repeat it.

It is freeing to not feel tied to him and his ability to have drawn that out in me.  He's the only one since John that has.  It seems to me I should want more with him considering he did, and I am happy that I do not.

It was nice to feel desirable, to feel beautiful and sensuous under his hand, to feel his mouth meet mine.  It was empowering to hear him say the words he spoke to me, the watch him look at me, and to know I didn't need more from him.

What a pleasant distraction.

What a nice way to come awake again, to come awake to the woman I am becoming in the aftermath of everything that was.