It was interesting tonight spending time with my friend. She is in a relationship that is a reflection of my relationship with John. I won't go into details because they are different, and their path is different...
But so is mine. One subject that came up was passion vs. settling. I'm not less inclined to want passion, but I would say I am more inclined to desire companionship. I have a very good friend that has found himself happy in a relationship. I would honestly say she isn't terribly pretty, she'd older and looks like she's been there, a few times. I'm not saying pretty is all there is... in fact, I am coming to believe pretty is the least important thing, though it is usually the first thing that attracts us. She's smart. And they have history. He grew up as her younger brothers best friend... I could go on, but honestly I like her. I like her for him. I'm not sure she likes me though, but I wish she knew how non-existant I am as a threat. He is like a brother in how I feel toward him and I respect their relationship and our contact is minimal at best now and mostly on FB. Another male friend, similar situation. I don't feel a loss at all. I really find joy in their committed happiness and I really care that their girls do too. I'd like a guy like them, but NOT them.
At one point she left to use the restroom and I asked him how it was. His answer was... moving. He said, 'It's easy. It's so easy. We rarely argue and when we do it is brief. We like to do nice things for each other, we have fun ... IDK, it's just easy.'
My girlfriend reacted negatively to my saying that. She'd had a passionless marriage with a total douche bag (I mean this w/o reservation, he is a total douche bag) and it was EASY. They each did their own thing... and so on. Her next example was a work friend of hers. She is divorced from her husband and in a new relationship. My friend and she were talking and passion came up. Her work friend stated, 'My ex and I had passion and look where that got me?! I am in this new relationship and it's easy. He's nice. He such a nice guy.'
I could see her skin crawl when she told me. I can appreciate her feelings. I can appreciate her work friends POV as well.
I am not saying I am looking at all. Actually, for the first time in my life I am interested in dating myself. After giving two decades to two men, one out of obligation to a legalistic church (and no I wasn't pregnant! Our first son came just over two years later) and the other, John. It was deeply passionate and completely lacking in boundaries... I am finally ready to just get to know me.
I met John very shortly after the divorce began and he was IT for me. However, I didn't give myself ANY time to find myself after 13 years in crazy church and 10 of that to a marriage that should have never happened (but I am SO glad I have my boys).
I need to know me. What do I like? I don't really know. It is a short list and vague at best. What do I want?
I know I want to change certain things. Yes. Yes, I get lonely. Very much so. I am terrified nearly every day regarding taking care of myself and the boys and the future. Then I have to shove that off and focus on the now. The loneliness is sometimes overwhelming. This is the perfect time for me to make a bad decision.
But I am VERY clear, if I don't embrace this time, this opportunity I'm doomed.
I expressed to my friend tonight that I want to find me, not someone to distract me.
I realize my whole 'dating' life I have been attracted a particular type of guy. Not
Tall, dark and handsome, So Cal beach blond athlete... no, I'm eclectic in my tastes. I am attracted to something they put off. Probably best defined as wrong guy at the worst time and not my best me.
If I am undefined within myself I will simply be attracted to a distraction from having to find myself and end up in this cycle again of where I have been.
I don't want to do that anymore.
I understand some things about myself now and that is due to my relationship with John and my love for him. And yes, his death freeing me and giving me a chance to change.
Somehow that love for him is coming back to me, I guess. I want more than passion (which is so often drama and I really hate drama), and working so damn hard and finding I've just been chasing my tail and wearing myself out.
I know what I want. I know I am willing to work at it. But I don't want just work. I don't want struggle and repair and overcoming to be the only things I have with someone, with passion peppered in. And btw, I was never a make up sex girl. I don't get that. And I think sex can be Awesome.
It has to start with with me. It's going to take time. From there I know without any uncertainty that if there is a relationship in my future it will be nothing like the relationships of my past.
I have such good role models now. Good friends, good people that have found good partners.
And if I don't?
That's cool actually. I am really learning to like having a relationship with myself.
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