Opening Windows

A tremendous upheaval...

I've been writing Dear John letters on copy paper with his face printed on one side, processing everything that has been happening in the last decade.  Processing everything that has happened since December.  I'm out of those and I'm going to endeavor to continue that process here...

John died December 22, 2012, just 19 days after I packed my things, my sons and moved out of our new home December 3, less than a month after moving in.

I left the man I was in love with.  The man I spent years and years loving and trying to build a life with.  The man that broke me.  The man that showed me just how confusing, conflicting, and life changing love can be.

The first time I saw John the earth moved under my feet, and I thought, 'Oh Fuck. My life is never going to be the same.'

I had no idea how deeply and profoundly those words would prove true.

We were instantly magnetized.  I was naive enough to think it was a beautiful thing.  My world was falling to ashes and you were there.  Your world was falling to ashes, and I was there.

However, I had no idea what your world was beyond what you allowed me to see.  You knew everything about mine.  It was a decade later, over hard terrain and a falling into the choke of loss I learned what your life really was.  Now I am here beginning to process this Life I am left to rebuild.