The Comedy Of It All and The Close Call

  

Your Cadillac has got a wheel in the ditch, and a wheel on the track.

Alabama, Neil Young

The devil does fool with the best laid plan.  Good thing too.  It's a better thing when it seems the devil fucks up and God is left laughing.  

I can't say for certain God or the devil are involved here in my little Comedy, their rolls are lighting, sound and stage, script changes.  I just have to roll with it and make my own decisions and improvise.

I will NOT be having sex with Brian.  Surprised?  I'm not.  Considering it was worth it though.  Considering was a step forward.  A greater step forward is understanding that I won't. Particularly before regretting actually having done it.

Why?  Well I will tell you.  Not only did it all start to fall apart on itself but he did little things that became the things that broke it all instead of made it.  And, I'm not sure he'll be surprised either.

I don't want a project.  I saw it right away.  His life is in a tailspin right now and where he ends up landing and how will be entirely up to him.  I waited much longer to come to this conclusion than I should have, it was taken care of for me right at the beginning truth be told, the exit presented and I was through it before I  knew what happened, but I looked back... I drew myself back to it only to have extract myself out again in short order.  

Brian and I met this evening for a movie.  We met at World Market.  I enjoyed myself there until he showed up. He was in a jovial mood.  That isn't why I stopped enjoying myself.  It was because he was sort of all over the place, but he'd said he'd had a good day and on a new job with a lot of responsibility that can be an occasion for rejoicing.

We left the store so he could put some things in his car.  He had a plastic cup with straw and a soda which he topped off in the cup.  He offered me some and let me know there was rum in it.  No thanks.  Not a fan of rum and cokes, I have my reasons.  I realized rather quickly he was swimming, gill deep.  Even when I am drunk I don't like drunk people.  I don't appreciate the sloppy silliness and the lack of focus.  We decided on the film and went in.  He was all over me.  Sitting close, hand holding, over nuzzling, terrible kissing.  And he's a fucking talker during a movie and he had to go to the bathroom several times.  For that I was grateful, it gave me a break.  But I can't.  I just can't be patient with a movie talker.  There is a time and place for kissing and touching, and he doesn't get that either.  And... He smelled like alcohol, it was rolling off of him.  Big fuck up with me.  If you are drinking enough to reek of it I'm out.  Deal breaker.  Last night I thought it was that smell on his clothes ... the front load washer smell.  I think it was that and alcohol. 

It gets better!  I'll sound like a Straight Up Bitch now and I am okay with it, it is just too much for me to process.  It's too complicated and feels old when it should feel fresh and be shiny.  It's more than I want to deal with in the wee early stages of knowing someone, and the instant consistent sex thing was only working because I was interested in having sex.

The Ima Bitch part.  While we were watching the movie he got up yet again to use the restroom.  He found out a friend of his passed away.  I believe he was sent a text message of the obituary.  He couldn't stay.  He let me know he was upset and had to leave.  I went to leave as well and he told me to stay.  I did.  For about 15 minutes letting the movie wash over me, the thoughts tumble through my mind, the feelings crest and fall, flat flat flat.

I'd been thinking on the drive, and since I arrived home how could I break it to him that I am done when he's going through so much crap and feeling bad but knowing it was going to have to be done.  How I could word the truth.  Not the observations.  That I figured out.

But I'm thinking ... it isn't even necessary.

Ahhh, handled.  He messaged me just now asking if he can see me.  I replied, I don't think that is a good idea.
Okay was his reply.

I dodged a bullet.