In The Helen Hunt of the Day

I think about this frequently.  I have thought of these things since I was young.  I watched those that moved about me like waves, wind.  Floating there like flowers, or refuse.  I didn't always understand, the thoughts weren't always formed up.  There just seemed a rightness or a wrongness to the things I saw.

I observed my mother, my grandmother...when they were there.  I observed family, friends, neighbors, teachers, strangers.

I used to think it was just culture.  Growing up in California near the coast.  I didn't appreciate its effect in myself, as would be expected at the time.  I try to appreciate it now, even when I feel it is shown in the harsh light of time.

I feel now it is a world truth, a human truth, not just a local cultural one. 

We love the Dawn, we appreciate the Sunset... some even honor it.  It is the Helen Hunt of late afternoon, the time when the drag of the day is most keenly felt. 

Aging.

When I was a girl, a teen, even near my early twenties I didn't appreciate my youth.  Many of us don't.  I didn't embrace the time, the vigor, the potential.

Perhaps I am not now, just thinking, thinking, thinking.  I am aware of the nagging fear that I will look back twenty years from now, if I am graced with them, and regret all I didn't embrace now.

It's the day to day where we waste time.  We do what we have to do, and then we rest from it.  Some better than others.  I suppose I feel a little guilty at the moment for not making more active use of my time.

For example: I have today off.  I am trying to spend it with my sons as they are going to be gone, for the first time Ever from me, for a month.  They have never been gone more than a few days at the most.  What are we doing today?  Nothing.  We are sitting around watching movies, making popcorn on the stove, 'resting'.

It's not even 2pm.

The other day we drove to the Coast and enjoyed the beach, the views, the food, the cool air, the change of scene.  Today we are unwashed, lazy, munchers.  I suppose each has its place in life.


When I think this way, mainly what I think about is how we worship youth dressed up like real life as it is wanted to be.  Unattainable, but for a few.  I find it deeply disturbing how many women I know desire a Coach purse, for example. 
Sometimes we find beauty, if we even look, in the aged.  In those old enough to have passed even twilight and look into darkness of the unknown and somehow see what we can not.  If we listen and we strain and are very blessed somehow to act, we learn from them.  We gain from their experience and wisdom and how large they really are in the physical husks of what they once were.  Greater than, even through their bodies would protest in opposition.

I think it is the Helen Hunt of the day we scorn most and turn away from.  It is the truth in the middle of the path we try to back away from, the bridge we try to cheat our approach to, our way across when we are on it.

Women and men fighting the shift to age as a disease.  Science fiction characterizes it in horrific ways... Ever see Brazil?  Surrogates?

I could do a better job building on that but I don't want to. 

Helen Hunt.  I mean no disrespect.  In fact, I respect her a great deal.  Even in her early years as an actress I felt she looked mature, much older than she was  Did she ever have youth?  Wasn't she in some awful and yet highly popular sitcom?  I think I hated the guy in it.  The one that got eaten in one of the Alien movies?  I think I cheered.  I digress...
Regarding Helen Hunt, I am not the first person to comment, but what I appreciate is her refusal to fight aging.  Perhaps she eats right, exercises...but she doesn't use fillers, implants, botox (that I have noticed anyway).  She is aging, right before our eyes.  Horrifyingly honest middle age to those that can't face the reality of it.

Some people can't look.  Why?  What is wrong with the process of crossing the bridge.  Time takes us forward.

We see that when time is cheated it has a nasty response when it catches up. 

I think some people do a great job of using enhancements of science to fight aging.  However, there comes a time when one must let go if they still want to look human instead of human-like.

There are many frightening examples of too much.  There are those that perceive Helen Hunt's not enough (or not at all) as being against the norm of her peer group. 

Harry Dean Stanton hasn't bothered nipping-tucking-filling.  In fact the road map of aging and the layered life he's lived etched into his looks, his attitude, his career has been dependent on it.

Not all choose, if the choice is available to them, to walk the way of Helen Hunt.  I don't just mean the famous or the wealthy.  I am referring to everyday people. 

This frustrates and saddens me, particularly now that I am in the Helen Hunt of my day.  It comes suddenly, shockingly.  Even those that Work Hard at maintaining a healthy lifestyle see it.  One day youth is clinging to you, the next... ... sudden and shocking change is apparent.  You don't bounce back anymore like you used to.  The drag hangs on you for a few days.  Your joints creek and pop and grind.  Your skin is different, your muscle tone, well, what muscle tone?  Things begin to droop.  Your face, your skin.  The things your skin used to seem to hold in.  Your eyes dull.  What the fuck is that about?  I might forget why I walked into the room, but my mind seems to be sharper in other ways, why have my eyes seemed to dull in color and clarity?  Lines form on the face, often making you look tired, haggard, disappointed.  Someone can be having a wonderful day and someone else will inevitably ask them if they are tired or not feeling well.  That is shocking slap down off your happy horse. 

If this time was embraced, looked forward to... can you imagine? 

I remember when I wanted to be older, cooler.

I look back now and realize I am in my early forties and haven't accomplished much.  I made that choice, to throw away youth and marry and have my sons.  To spend vital years fighting for something that ended with me empty handed and ... older.  Aged by it. 
*Not my sons, please don't misunderstand that jumble.  My sons are good guys, good young men I am hoping become happy men when they are on their own.

So not only am I aging, but I chose to age myself early on.

What will I choose now?

I have a lot of conflict in my mind.  I have a lot of things influencing those conflicting thoughts.  I could get my breasts done, but what of the rest?  I could get my face done too, but what would I lose and what would I gain? 

I watch people still, younger than I am, the same age as I am, older than I am.  I'm trying to take what I have learned and make use of the time I have now.

It's sort of a crap shoot really.  I could live for now, like I did when I was younger.  Live now, wishing for all the wonder of hope to fall into my lap.  I could end up working away my time for something that will have no meaning later.  Whether it be for pleasure or for some future protection...

How does one balance work and play?

In the end does any of it matter?

I envy those I watch that seem to have a direction, a purpose.  The ones I envy most are the ones that seem to have a balance.

I think that is almost impossible to achieve.  I think a person has to give up all thought of cultural norm in order to have peace and balance.

I think a person has to live in the Now.  Each persons now is different from another.

I'm not good at that.  I want to stop those thoughts that snake their way in and bite with poison...

*if only I could go back to my college years and accomplish something more for myself
*if only I could go back and be a better mom at this and that point in my sons life
*if only I had chosen better, this or that thing or person or plan

It's a lie.  It's a lie as much as looking forward and having expectation.

But it's natural I suppose.

So when I can I practice being in the moment I am in.  Not projecting expectation, not weighing myself in it, not comparing.  It's work to do that.  Constantly reigning in thoughts and feelings.

I wish I could know Helen Hunt.  I think it would be very interesting to listen to her thoughts on just about any subject.  Harry Dean Stanton is interesting that way.  Bold, unapologetic.  I have always liked people like that.  People who just are.  Sometimes I wonder if they question life and societal norms, or themselves like I do?  Their response seems clear.  Stay true to your time, stay true to who and what you are.