Writing out those painful weaknesses and then getting out with my girlfriends helped me break through the sadness that was dominating after scattering John's ashes in June and the little set backs that followed.
I'm still sad. I consider the 20-22 the anniversary of John's death... even when I don't pay attention to the date of the month on a conscience level my subconscious recognizes the date. My heart is heavier. My thoughts, every preset regarding John, are more intense and consuming. I cry myself to sleep and the mixed emotions and memories so enmeshed good and bad flood my mind every waking moment.
I want to move forward and I'm often frustrated waiting for that moment the tension releases and I can breathe without heaviness. Waiting for the moment I feel any kind of happiness or joy...
I try to stay aware... aware that I could easily make a fear based decision and keep myself from knowing myself, keep myself in this loop I've been in all my life. Surviving. Perhaps in the most genuine and honest way I can... with out usury of another. I can't people like that. I've never been the type and this is probably why I have the sort of choices I have in the past. Fear based, but not in my best interest... not in my sons...
I'm slowly changing that. I know I am doing well enough. Is it selfish or unrealistic to want to be happy and/or at peace?
I mean that.
Time. I try to not let defeatist thoughts eat away at my moving forward.
Time.
How not to waste it?
