I'd be thinner.
I have a hard time organizing my thoughts. I sit down and try to think clearly, even to write here, and it's like herding cats into a plastic bag.
They scatter, I lose a few, I hurt myself in the process (emotionally).
Two things terrorizing me, with an occasional third thrown in making me feel like I'm drowning in tar.
Finances/job, kids, John.
The obvious and easy bit, John. Sometimes I am okay, which is a little like life being colorless... other times I miss him and have that crushing, can't breathe sensation. A few times recently I've dreamt of him. It makes it harder to dream of him.
I want him to go to that place where I remember and I don't think of him constantly and feel the heaviness of grief. Time. I'll wait, there's nothing else but to.
The boring bit. Finances/job. Sad! No joke. My job is a Hobby. Interestingly I have driven backwards and quite hazardously through my processing there. First I decided to go part time and get a part time job. Then I realized this is a useless idea as it doesn't solve my problem of being a 42 year old woman with nothing planned for her future, zero stability, zero security. Big Fat Zero! Ugh! <see what I mean?
Then I decided to go part time and take a few classes. Start with computer classes. That way if I decide I need to completely quit the hair biz I can at least say I know Excel. And that other computer stuff. Then I thought Paralegal. I looked it up. Fuck. Time, $$,$$$, how would I do that?... then I was pissed I didn't think to do that when I decided on hair and drama and ... <see what I mean? I get all rats in a cage in a room on fire in my mind.
Then I thought to actually get caught up on my paperwork. Do my books. I checked my earnings vs my expenses. I do make a little. I am doing a little better than I thought. Maybe I can manage full time rent, be a bit more Conservative in what I purchase for work, and in my personal life (Tattoo, WHY??? yes it's pretty but damn it I could have waited, maybe forever) and just ask myself, do I really need that? Can I use that money to pay down my credit cards instead? My debt isn't bad all things considered, but I did add to it damn it. That doesn't help because there are things like the dentist and car tires and...
I'll try another year full time, see if I can push a little harder at building my clientele. On my days off I'll take those computer classes. Maybe I'll even chip away at becoming a paralegal. Just because I wish I could pay for school, focus only on that, and still take care of myself and my sons doesn't mean there aren't Other ways to get it done. Damn it I am only 42.
It's Possible.
And lastly, My Heart... the reason I bother to worry about anything at all instead of giving up and becoming my mother and just grifting someone for my needs and letting them worry instead. *Seriously not my personality but as she rationalizes (and this probably proves she's more intelligent than I am) Desperate Times Call for Others to Be Used By "The One Who Must Not Be Named"
My sons. They drive me nuts but, I love being a Mom.
My 17 year old. I think he may actually be doing okay scholastically this year. I'm not sure if it was the threat of having to provide in entirety his own cell phone should he screw up or if he's just maturing and deciding it's just easier than summer school to at least get C's. I sincerely hope his progress report reflects that as truth.
He has a girlfriend. *blank* Okay. She's sweet, not attractive in face or body (she's stalky and built like a gymnast. She's a swimmer and and water polo player (when she's eligible), but has real inner beauty. However she is just a 16 year old kid with all the ideas and none of the reality. That little bit of 'I know better' attitude.
Her family life is total crap. Her mother lives in another state and has had other children taken off of her due to drug use and neglect. She told me she was abused by her uncle who was often in charge of her. She's not even sure how bad it might or might not have been. Her only real memory is waking up with his hand down her pants. Outside of that she said she has gaps in her childhood. IMO, inappropriate behavior from a guardian is bad enough, but I understand and it broke my heart. She's so open, but at the same time has a hard time trusting people. I know exactly what she means. Her father is, a dumb ass IMO. He's a child. He goes from relationship to relationship. He ignores his home life in favor of the flavor of the moment. I don't think he has a job, but he finds money to spend at the bar getting drunk looking for the next missus right. He even asked his daughter if I was single and attractive. Her response, God Bless her, "Um, You're Really Not her type Dad."
I've only met him on the phone. This is significant because she's a sixteen year old girl. I picked her up Sunday before last for a movie and lunch with my sons and I. He didn't meet me face to face. Her Grandmother did. Her Grandmother who it seems is her only stability. Her Grandmother who recently let her know she will be moving back down south when the lease is up on their apartment. I sincerely hope she takes her with her and leaves her father behind. Not because of my sons feelings for her, but for her. She deserves a decent family life.
Her father had gone out to the bar the night before to get drunk with his neighbor buddy. Picked a woman up and stayed at his friends. He was too hung over to meet the strangers that were picking up his daughter he claims to be over protective of. He was still too hung over to meet us when we walked her to her door after our day together.
Having been a hungry for kind affection sort of young woman once in my life I could see we were the best few hours on a Sunday afternoon she'd experienced in a very long time.
This girl gets no real attention. I think her grandmother is struggling to continue to raise her loser son to pay any real attention to the teen girl that just needs some pampering and some encouragement. So I did a little. I also exchange emails with her encouraging her to stick to her education like a life raft and to remind her she's smart, capable, and Can do it. I try to give her a sound board, and try to talk her past her anger with the adults in her life, the let down, and to remind her of positive things, of that horizon before her, of potential. I tell her that she won't be this kid unable to control her life much longer. I've encouraged her to not be afraid to join the military, something she was considering. It would take her away from her family. Maybe give her something more substantial. I have a female friend, married. She and her husband and another couple recently retired, they are in their mid-forties. Maybe see if she can mentor Sean's girlfriend a little.
Meeting her has helped me to encourage myself as well.
Immediately after our movie date, realizing my son really likes this girl, I bought bananas and condoms and taught both my seventeen year old and my thirteen year old sons how to use a condom and WHY.
Now... my thirteen year old. Do you hear the ominous music playing to this one in the background?
He's been a pain in my ass the whole school year and it only Just Started! Detentions, missing classwork/homework (admits he was just lazy! Admits it!), 2 day on campus suspension! Suspension! For writing 'My Name is Ian'with a star and another design in sharpie on the bench during an assembly about 'Good Behavior' (yes, I am still laughing about that). Then Stealing two suckers off of his teachers desk after repeatedly asking her for one for over a week. His patience just wore out I suppose. He got caught and got another detention. And a call to me. She said that was his only reaction in regard to the theft of the suckers, his Oh Shit reaction to her asking for my number. She said other than that he is absolutely polite and respectful and that's why she was so surprised. I cried at that call. Awesome. It had been a bad day and that put me over the edge.
The biggest event, I tested out his walking home from school. You, faithful reader, may roll your eyes at this. You do not know my son. At the beach this last Saturday he laid face down and proceeded to make sand angels, then covered himself like a sea turtle. He was then shocked he got sand in his eye. The whole time seemingly unaware he was In the volleyball court while a few kids were trying to play a game. Like a kid like that can walk home from school when school is a thirty five minute walk from school to home. Four street lights, one in particular a large intersection.
I know this because I stalked him the whole way last Friday. Why was I terrorized someone was going to kidnap him? No. Seriously. It must be left over from the Santa Cruz incident. And over this weekend I fearlessly let him walk from the beach to the car where (I knew) he was inhaling chocolate croissants while he was also retrieving bottled waters. Why was I okay with that? I was okay in a strange city, in a transient beach community like Pismo, but not a few blocks between school and home.
I learned he's very aware of what's going on around him. When he didn't catch me spying he was actually paying attention to lights, traffic, and everything around him. I was stunned.
I took him to buy him a house key, a Jamba Juice, and a candy as a reward. But the candy was tossed out as a reward because that's when I received the email, 'Your sons progress report shows and F but he raised it to a D- in Math'
Really? Gee, a D-?!
He can't watch TV during the week until it's a solid C, this when he's capable of straight A's, no BS. He's not showing his work in algebra. I explained to him, as I am sure his teacher has, Algebra is all about showing your work! Yes, he gets the right answers. Yes, I don't blame him for feeling it's pointless busy work. However, it is his JOB. My job is a hobby but he doesn't know that, I also do every freaking thing else and I worry like crazy. Get a damn C at least. This was after the sucker stealing incident he'd recently been grounded for that made me cry, out loud. Not just those silent tears. I cried. He felt really guilty. Good, because I felt like I'd been hit by truck hauling crappy emotion.
He walked again today. I had a crying fit this morning worrying about him. I hate it. I hate being debilitated by fear. But I let him walk. Fuck Fear. Excuse my cursing, but darn it! I only parked one place instead of four along the route this time. I decided to work on my books in the shade of a church parking lot. One of the places he caught me spying on Friday. This time he didn't even look.
Several times before, during, and after he passed feeling that rising wave of panic and worry at not seeing him and knowing he's walking on a busy street. I pulled out after taking a few extra minutes to work on my book to give him some distance. I forced myself to drive home and wait for him. I kept busy and he came home just fine. I think he was whistling.
Today I took his bike to the shop next to my salon. I'm getting it fixed up for him so he can ride it instead of walking. Tomorrow I'll drive him and the bike so he can ride it home so we can time it. Then day after tomorrow if he wants to ride to school he'll know how to time himself. Yes, I'll stalk him, or maybe this time it will be the other drivers on the road.
Yes, now I am freaked out about other drivers. I warned him about people not caring about cyclists on the road and to just be careful. He actually made suggestions that I would have made, Yes!
I'm still afraid! Not just an expression. I am actually anxious and afraid. WTH, yet...
I think he's capable. For the first time, past my fears, I do believe it.
That is a very big deal.
Time and Change may be working in my favor.
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