Akeru and the Question, Always the Question

 

 

(Enough Already)

What am I? 

What have I been up to?  Let's be honest, I've been going with it and not thinking too much.  At least when I am not over-thinking.

I'd like to keep it to just me.  Not Mom me.  Not work me. 

I get out when I can and love it.  I will see a band here and there.  Catch lunch or dinner with a girlfriend.  Drag my sons out with me (I know, no Mom me) to a band, an art showing, a science presentation.  They act like they are doing me a favor and either like it in the end or act like they merely tolerated it while talking about what we saw and did.  I love it.

I've had sex.  Twice.  I'm sort of seeing Matt.  Was that eye rolling I hear?  A quiet groaning dimming the light of the screen?  Or perhaps layered with that the slipping thought of, 'It's about fucking time.'

How was it?  Interesting.  Different.  Confusing.  It's like most things with me, a little running list of pros and cons.

I typed a lot, then erased it...I'm not sure what to say and what not to say.  I suppose lately I have been considering a few things.

-What is intimacy to me now?
-Do I even know what love is?
-Am I even capable or did everything from two years ago burn it out of me?
-Are my hang ups valid?
-Are the hang ups I have telling?

I bought a truly bitch'n pair of heels today.  You know, the 'Heels that can change your life' kind of heels.  Heels that make people turn their heads and watch you with their eyes.  A guy asked me if he could give me his number.  It's flattering to be acknowledged as being pretty.  It's nothing sleazy.  I'd like to point that out.  I've never been turned on by that kind of attention.

Hang up: I don't feel I could wear these heels with Matt because he's barely my height when I am barefoot and it bugs the hell out of me.  But in the end, if he's the most amazing companion, does it fucking matter?!!? No.  It wouldn't bother him either, if I wore them.  But I am not entirely past it and I vacillate between feeling shallow and total acceptance either way.

I have an acquaintance, she was telling me about a few men she's dated.  We're both single Mom's with two kids.  Hers are much younger than mine.  She has this uncanny ability to meet men that are loaded, but crazy or just riddled with problems.  As she was describing these two men she'd met I couldn't help but think about how great Matt is in comparison.  How lucky I am to have met a grown up man I really enjoy spending time with. 

This makes me question what it is I find attractive, what I want, what I have wanted and why.  Am I settling just because he's consistent and nice and good company?  I feel like I am always waiting for the shoe to drop, the rug to be pulled out from under me...whatever expression that follows you like. 

I worry I am not dating enough.  I am not dating at all, except Matt.  This makes me nervous. 

Interestingly I have been spoken to a few times.  Today that man asking me if he could give me his number.  He paid me an incredible compliment.  I gave him my card but I won't meet him...not interested.  The other night seeing a few bands at a local venue, I didn't even know this guy was talking to me at first.  It is that unfamiliar to me to be spoken to when I am out.  Again, not someone I would date.  He's young and he wanted me to 'hang out' with him at his place after the show.  Um, thanks but no. 

I am afraid to commit to someone.  I don't know why.  Matt has said a few times he has fallen for me, that he thinks about me in the long term.  He's said he understands why I am hesitant, that he was in the same place not too long ago.  He lets me know where he is at and lets me have the freedom to be where I am.  His no pressure approach and how easy it is for us to be together makes it so damn easy to want to be around him more. 

My girlfriend asked me if I would go out with someone else if I wanted.  I might.  Then again, I might not.  I'm not comfortable considering meeting someone else for a date considering how much time Matt and I spend together, but then again I am worried I am not holding to my commitment to Date...

My thoughts and my actions are two different things.  I spend time with Matt and enjoy it, and sex isn't the leading factor to our spending time together.  It is just that easy.  I acknowledge my hang ups and concerns and think about them.  I think about a lot of things, positive and negative.  I think and I spend time with Matt and there isn't anyone else catching my attention...and I'm not looking...

I guess those questions never quiet.  I don't trust being in love.  I'm not sure it has served me well in the past.  I don't fully trust love either.  Why would I?  Yet, I want to.

I suppose I have a lot of learning ahead of me.  I don't mind.

I Think Red Velvet Cake is Gross

In my city we have a few terrific bakeries.  My favorite is in an historic section of town and they specialize in cupcakes.  Freaking amazing and delicious cupcakes.  I rarely ever go and I am so very relieved it is not down the street.  My favorite is the Maple Waffles and Bacon cupcake.  Then the Salted Caramel.

I have never had red velvet cake anything that I think is a delight.  It is one of those foods that looks terrific and doesn't deliver.  It's dry.  I also find cream cheese frosting disgusting.


This was a random thought that has nothing to do with my post.

I do like the word Velvet. In the styling of Lloyd of Dumb and Dumber I like the word Velvet Ah Loht.

I am having a really good hair day.  My labs came through as normal.  Ultrasound is next appointment on Thursday at 8:15am.  I thought my period was finished but, I ... well, lets just say it isn't.  I guess things are touchy down below and they'd better get over it because I am not going to live my life this way for much longer.  Stubborn Ginger Attitude rising.

I just spent $300 at Walmart on groceries and a few bathroom supplies for the boys and I.  I am offended with Walmart and myself for my shopping being that much.

This isn't stressful at all considering work is ridiculously slow.  But hey!  I have food in the house and two teenaged boys.  It should last until tomorrow night.

Matt and I are going to his friends reception Saturday.  I have a wedding in a few weeks and I am thinking of bringing him as my plus+one.  Does that mean we are seeing each other?  We text every day.  I think about him a lot.  The things he says, his behavior.  I very much appreciate the things in our lives that slow everything down for us.  Considering all the details I find him to be extremely consistent, positive, aware.  That is really attractive to me.  I still don't know what to do with it all, so I am not doing much but going with the flow.

My sons are balancing out in the lippy and flaky departments.

Everything is fairly peaceful.

Also, I like Doctor Who, my black classic vans, skinny jeans, pretty dresses, and reasons to laugh.

I am sure I like many more things but that's good enough for now. 

Seriously? Seriously?!!?

I have been on my period for 16 days.  Let me tell you, I don't feel any different but for having to change my Tampax two to three times a day, and the light and occasional cramping.  Oh, like a regular period that lasts four days and only one of those actually feels like being on my period.

If you feel this is a bit on the TMI I do not apologize.  I have been to the nurse practitioner, same day I called to report my little problem because Kaiser feels it is important enough to address asap.  This is the first time it has ever happened.  No, no there is no chance I can be pregnant.  Not unless a non-virgin, sterilized by tubal ligation mother of two can experience immaculate conception, or something that approximates it.

I had the pleasure of having a uterine biopsy.  During a uterine biopsy the patient gets to lay in a cold room undressed from the waist down with legs spread, feet supported by these little cold foot holds.  Then the practitioner inserts the speculum.  This opens up the patient.  Not too comfortable but tolerable.  Tolerable because there are these lovely pictures stapled to the ceiling for the patient to focus on.  Then a mini speculum is used to 'stabilize' the cervix.  What a delight!  Let me try to describe it.  Ever had a bad phlebotomist stab your vein with a needle that feels like it is the size of a pencil?  It's kind of like that, but so much more multiplied and INSIDE of you.  Then the biopsy is performed on the uterus.  This was the part I was informed would be very uncomfortable.  I think it was a set up so I wouldn't try to run away when they stabilized my cervix.  The biopsy was a walk in the park on a pleasant day in one of the pictures over my head by comparison.  Then the patient gratefully experiences removal of devices, left to clean themselves up and dress and leave on their own power.  The cramps driving home are a lovely side effect, followed by ibuprofen upon arrival at home.  I do not have the results back yet. It frightens me to know there is little the medical industry can do to detect cancer or other problems, even with a pap test.  Pap doesn't cover ovarian or uterine cancers unless they metastasize to the cervix.  Isn't that a pleasant thing to learn?  After all this, minus probing my butt, I will know without a doubt I am healthy.  I will KNOW it.  Unless I do have cancer.  I wonder if I should try to schedule the butt probing? 

I do have the results back from my scan for varicose veins.  I have varicose veins in my left leg.  No shit.  Now I have a rescheduled consultation with the surgeon.

I have the results back from my hormone panel.  Apparently, and this due to my own research since they didn't provide normal ranges for comparison, I am in normal ranges.


Barbara, the friend I have let go, offered tickets to a Social Distortion show I really wanted to go to explaining to me that we can't ever be close friends again, but we can be show friends.  This is after attacking me for not letting her know that her (at the time) ex-boyfriend text messaged me as he was using me by letting me know she'd been using me in their relationship battles.  I declined politely.  I wanted to say, 'Are you kidding me?  There is no fucking way I want to sit in a car with you for 6-8 hours or enjoy another outing with you to see a favorite band.  She then posted pictures of herself and the boyfriend enjoying the show.  OMG.  She also tagged me on Facebook about shopping in a little thrift store we like.  All after letting me know she'd like me to not text her back and thanks for taking her boyfriends side and being disloyal to her.  Then blocking me for a few hours so I couldn't defend myself or explain Again even if I wanted to.  Which I didn't.

Crazy.

My fourteen year old is really frustrating me.  My 18 year old has been lippy...

I'm tired and I need a road trip to somewhere nice for a few days.

I am broke.  So broke it ain't no joke.

I'll watch Doctor Who until it is time to go to work to do my girlfriends hair color for free, and a clients haircut.  Gotta bring in that $25.

Ah, but something to look forward to.  English Beat at a favorite venue coming soon.  Maybe I can't have a holiday, but I can dance my ass off and pretend my life isn't complicated for a few hours.

Ripples Can Distrupt What Is Reflected

Yesterday, Sunday.  I woke up to the sound and smell of rain.  Hard rain.  It was brief but any rain is welcome in California right now.  The cool heavy feel of moisture in the air was wonderful.  I had a day of no pressure, no worries.  Not really. 

Yet I still felt anxiety.  I could trace the triggers back to Barbara and letting her go and her insultingly crazy behavior.  Her ripples were causing anxiety and the anxiety was reflected onto Matt. 

I find it interesting how selfish we can all be.  How we get so wrapped in our bubbles of narcissistic perception.  How even if we know someone's circumstances we can often read our own issues into their behavior toward us.  I know I can, though, unlike others I have known, I don't inflict and project it onto others.  I try to step back and deal with myself first.  Regardless, I still felt anxiety and it Sucked.

I was doing this Saturday night, much of Sunday.  My feelings and my day were effected by a few text messages. 

Matt would message me and then seem disinterested.  Not his usual consistent self I was accustomed to.  I found myself thinking, why bother messaging me?  One of the things I like about Matt is he communicates.  He'll ask, and he'll listen to the answer.  He'll offer information.  He does this with everyone.  Saturday night I felt he was pulling away and still trying to be polite.  I was thinking, why bother?  Just be straight, or ask if you have something to ask. 

I also considered the things he has going on in his bubble...and left off any sort of confrontation knowing if I let it play out I'd have whatever answer I might need.

I did.  Later in the day he, Diana, and I decided have dinner here at my place.  We had a great night and he mentioned he is struggling with a decision about his living situation pending a possible promotion at work while he's been packing his things and dealing with his living situation.

There you have it.  We all have our little moments that effect our day and how we communicate with others. It's so easy to get lost in our worries and perceptions.

 I am glad I didn't just react outwardly to the triggers of my day or the last couple of days.  I rarely do. I am glad to learn it was just ripples and not my fears and insecurities coming true.

The day ended well.  I made beef stew and Diana, Matt, and his daughter Lizzy came over and my sons and I enjoyed dinner with our friends.

And this ends with a happy realization. 

These new friends are so different from my old relationships.  We laugh, and I find my laughter genuine.  We lingered and we were all sorry to see the evening end.  I haven't had this before, this genuine enjoyment of friends and company. 

Anyway...little steps.  And an interesting lesson in how I can be set back briefly, affected by something unrelated to my life in general.

Therapy

Square One

 Rolling with the punches.  As much as I strive to have a life that is balanced, reasonably balanced, I find that life tends to be a pot on a burner.  Though the setting is low, eventually the water will steam, boil, evaporate.

Am I in hot water?  Honestly, I am not sure I'd know.  Forgive the italics, I've tried to stop them but they persist.

Ive written recently that I am now the grateful but reluctant recipient of Medi-Cal.  I am happy to find that I am healthy and I have an opportunity to avail myself of mental health counseling.  Kaiser is a thorough hospital, in general.  I experienced this with my sons.  I've spoken to an assessment therapist.  She said I was remarkable.  She was impressed that I have done as much work as I have on my own.  That maybe a little therapy would help me get even further.  She also said that considering the trauma I've experienced that maybe I'd benefit from a prescription due to anxiety.  That long term anxiety can alter your brain chemistry and even the smallest trigger can set back progress.  I'm not particularly comfortable being medicated.  She referred me to a psychotherapist as the next step in the assessment process.  

I met with the psychotherapist the other day.  He's East Indian.  I am not sure he really understood what I was saying as I had to continually correct him when he'd repeat certain things back to me.  Perhaps it was a test to see if I would trip up in my own information sharing.  I filled out a form.  He didn't look at it once and asked me all the questions I'd already answered, writing on his little pad laying on his desk.  He had an interesting way of organizing information.  He wrote all over the page and I couldn't make sense of his placement.  I think it was something like 'Oh, here's an open space I can scribble on.'  I was more impressed with the Assessment Therapist.  She was impressive in her ability to follow what I'd told her...people, time line, experiences.

The psychotherapist was actually pleased I didn't want meds.  He referred me to therapy.  He also felt it might help me to talk to someone.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  

I'll be honest.  I am weary of telling the story of my past.  I am feeling as though I am so ready to move on, to move forward, to not carry it anymore.

So the other night I couldn't sleep because the loneliness made itself felt as it sometimes does.  

Now I am exploring the final ending of a toxic friendship.  I am finally ready to let go of someone I have known for many years and I am mourning it a little and I understand how right it is.  

Barbara is just unhealthy.  In general and in particular for me.  It's nice in a way, to come to this place of change in my life.  I don't feel like I have to fix her perception of me.  I don't feel the need to point out her issues to her (I never did but I thought about it).  I don't feel the need to compare myself to her, or hold on anymore.  I do find that I am sad to lose what I thought I had, or wanted.  I do worry that maybe my inability to form strong and lasting relationships indicates a major flaw in my own make up.  Then a quiet voice reminds me that these people I worked so hard to have relationships with were all reflective of each other and that many things in my past can not follow me into whatever future I will find myself in.  I hope I am not being narcissistic.  When I think things through I realize this one truth...all of the truly toxic people that have influenced my life in major ways are now out of my life.  The people that were critical and manipulative and self-serving are not there influencing my life.  These were major people in my life.  My mother, my ex-husband, John, Barbara.  

I confess I feel adrift.  This is something I'd like to talk to my therapist about, when I see him.  Is this normal?  I have a few new, tentative friends.  

I'll confess something else.  I am realizing I have trust issues.  I only let people so far in now.  I have been betrayed and abandoned by people that are supposed to be the ones I am supposed to trust and be able to rely on.  I am experiencing anxiety in these new friendships.  Cindy and I are kind and considerate and and building a decent friendship.  However, our family dynamics are so different.  She's married with three small children and our schedules keep us from building a strong friendship. I worry maybe I am not putting enough effort in?  Diana...this one is very tentative and we are very different.  She's very intelligent and a hard worker but is supported by her parents in her late 40's and she isn't a parent and she can be very judgmental and sensitive so I am a little afraid of her as we have had some problems already.  But I laugh with her and we seem to have worked past a few things.  She is also obese and kind of angry and insecure and I worry she might harbor some resentment toward me and probably feels that I am wasting what I do have to work with but when we talk about why we make certain decisions we do empathize with each other.  Matt.  He's a hard one.  I like him and I like spending time with him.  But he Likes me.  I haven't slept with him as I struggle with my attraction and my lack of attraction to him.  I feel I am seeing more and more in regard to his personality.  He isn't good at being alone I think.  His recent time-line on relationships doesn't fill me with confidence in regard to maybe choosing to cross that line with him and that is altering the things I find attractive about him.  I was attracted to his confidence, and his ability to read me...people, his empathy.  Namely his personality.  But he doesn't take time between relationships and I feel maybe he is getting bored and resentful that his being nice to me isn't playing into me deciding to have sex with him.  I am not sure if it is because he's gone just over a month with out sex so he is frustrated in general, or if he is frustrated with me in general because he can't manipulate me in this regard.  I feel I will be disappointed if that is all he turns out to be.  

It is something I don't like about myself.  Being a fragile person deep down.  Wanting to be able to trust the people in my life.  I don't like feeling hypersensitive and aware of subtle shifts in behavior.  

In regard to Matt I can hardly blame him.  My boundaries are set to protect me and are then reinforced when I find my hesitation was a well chosen course.  If he meets someone more willing he has every right to pull away and move on with his life and his next ex-girlfriend.  That may seem jaded, but in talking to him it seems to be his pattern.  It is a pattern I am trying to break in my life.  A little time and hesitation reveals a lot.  

I miss intimacy.  There are times when I question keeping myself from having sex.  I could have sex with out attachment or a relationship but even this involves a bit of trust doesn't it?

Last night I went downtown.  There were a few venues hosting an annual urban music fest.  I went with a new acquaintance and we had fun getting to know each other.  I like her.  I like how she talks about her life.  She's fortunate and knows it.  She has a healthy marriage and we have things in common.  While we were out I saw Adam.  I mentioned him a while ago.  He was the one guy I'd been very interested in running into one night at a show, he was with a man that was my first boyfriend when I moved to this city.  Anyway, the last few times I have seen him I have been a little embarrassed for him as he's been really drunk and socially retarded.  You know, the whole fractured fantasy thing.  Another moment I sighed in relief and lost interest.  Nicole laughed when he made a point to talk to the people we were chatting with.  I'm certain he doesn't know them in any real way, if at all.  I'd told her he has this thing he does when we are at the same venue (rarely).  He skims past me, gets in my eye line, and pretends we don't know each other, I'll catch him looking at me.  He proved my statement correct and she found it funny.  It's just become weird to witness.  It makes me feel that maybe none of us really gets past Jr. High.  

I'm watching Doctor Who.  I am hoping I can follow the little things that are important.  I'm the Doctor!  And Who are You?  Is it wrong I am empathizing with the Dalek?  It thought it knew itself and then it was changed by Rose...

Well, I suppose it is better to grow and change.  Those that do not become septic in life and personality.

You'd Think By Now They'd Get The Cords Right

Or the Chords...

Random thoughts tumble through my head, for hours and hours now.  I could try some deep focused breathing and stretches I guess, but I'm not.

I cried a little, I might cry a little more.  Sometimes feelings just get raw and stretched and sore.

Sometimes when I fee this way I can't help but find my mind drifting to some story in the bible.  Tonight I thought of Ruth.  I often think of her.  I could never understand how when she clung to Naomi and went with her to her home, how could she patiently do as Naomi told her?  How could she work in the fields gleaning and wait?  How could she wait for Boaz to notice her?  How could she avoid noticing the young men in the fields with her in her loneliness?  How could she follow Naomi's instruction?

John's death shifted something in me.  Something so big I can't even identify it.  All I know is I am changed.  I respond to nearly everything differently now.  I'm more aware of myself, for all the good it does me. 

I understand Ruth more now.  That loss, and mine was a loss whatever the details that made it less of one to others, changed me.  I'm grateful for it, but I'm lost too, or maybe just so different I hardly recognize myself.  I don't want John.  I don't want anything like that again.  I don't want people in my life like that ever again.  So I watch.  I'm patient in the moment.  Maybe that is what Ruth did too.  Not that Ruth was trying to avoid people that were like the people that have so long surrounded me and no longer do...but then, maybe that is why Ruth clung to Naomi.  She had nothing to go back to.  Perhaps like me, details aside, in her loss she wised up too.

But right now...right now I'm completely aware of my loneliness.  My sons can't bridge it.  The stuffed walrus I'd rescued back when I was bar tending, the one my youngest named Beaver when he was little is my only comfort.  I'd like to kick my cat out of the house, for good.  He's annoying and despicable.  The Walrus aka Beaver and the Despicable Cat can't bridge it.   

When I feel this way things hurt that normally I wouldn't even think about, that I'd even find myself relieved to know.  Like a male friend that likes me, wondering if he's in someone's bed tonight he'd met for dinner.  In truth I don't want him, but when I am like this I question.  I worry I'll lose someone else I have let myself trust.  Silly

Yet, I don't want to be held so badly that I let myself settle, or force him to, just because he's nice (to my knowledge to this point) just to hold off this feeling.  It doesn't just come at night.  I doesn't just come over me when I am finding myself challenged in my resolve to move forward.  It clings to me, fluttering around the core of me. It's a part of me now.  Somehow it feels as though it is here now for a purpose, but whatever length of time it will reside in me, reside in me it does.  It is a constant.  Sometimes muted, but sometimes it grows large.  The nagging ache that suddenly it is the only thing felt, the only thing I can be aware of.

I suppose I am not ready.  In these moments, I wonder if I will ever be.  Looking at the full moon in my mind.  The lonely rabbit leaping backwards. 

I don't believe a person will make me happy.  Believe it or not, through my struggles and loneliness I am happy, in a sense.  I like my own company.  I like my sons company.  I like my friends and acquaintances. 

I just want more.  I want a partner.  I just don't understand why it is I have to feel like I am admitting some weakness.  I don't understand why I am built with this want, with the understanding I am worth it and the sense it is sometimes far from me, sometimes right within reach but I can't see it yet.

What is in my make up, this archaic waiting.  I used to look for it, try to make it happen.  Didn't Ruth sort of do that?  What are my examples?  People I know and admire?  The Bible?  My Mother?  Pardon me while I swallow the vomit that just hit the back of my throat.  She is a corruption.  Her chosen person, chosen every day. As for the others, they hang there coaxing me ever forward.  They guide me and influence me not to settle.  They push me to be...

What am I? 

I am changed.  To what?

I cried a little, then a little more.  I wondered at how I have no idea what tomorrow will be and yet I strain after it.  Tonight I will likely sleep, at some point.  Rise before the sun and start tomorrow.  I feel confident enough that I will wake as I am apparently quite fit, so unless something catastrophic happens...

What is tomorrow? 

A hope for things not yet seen?  A hope for things not yet known?

Where does this hope spring from...

I guess it doesn't matter really.  This is a moment where the flutter, the sound of it, overwhelms the voice within that keeps me positive.  It acknowledges how tired I feel sometimes.  Keep moving forward.  Keep moving forward.  Don't be afraid to work harder.  Go on with your life, no waiting now!  And then, like tonight, this other thing rises up craving comfort so acutely.

Anyway, goodnight.  No more thinking with my keyboard.

And Then...

I don't remember the last time I went to the doctor for a visit.  It was easy to avoid as I have always been generally healthy.  Does knocking on wood really work...no matter, I am going to knock on some. Done.

Also done, doctors visits.  I had my girl visit!  I had blood drawn, swabs, had my girl parts checked.  Without appointment I had my second ever mammogram.  I did a fasting blood panel the next day and met my new medical doctor, after my gyn nurse practitioner.  I am clean.  Clean and healthy.  Remarkably so.  I don't have my lab back from my pap yet, or my mammogram but I've been told everything is looking good.

I know a great group of women that are making me feel supported and cared for, and they work at my hospital.  One of them personally talked to my medical doctor and I am now her patient, when the doctors panel was closed.  I am so happy to have this doctor.

My new doctor referred me to dermatology to get my skin checked.  Being fair complected, fair of eye, and red of hair I am really glad to have this visit coming up.  She's also referred me to a vascular doctor for a dye test of my veins as I have some problem with  my legs (due to my pregnancy with my youngest son).  This is so great because I have private paid for these treatments (something like
$4,000).  I can get deep vein and blue vein treatment which will make my legs feel so much better.
She also referred me to mental health to a therapist she thinks is wonderful.  She said I have done a lot of great and hard and effective work on my own, but I am glad she thinks I could use a little help to get to a higher level.

In this same week, yesterday in fact, my oldest son turned 18.  It's kind of cool.  I like my son and the man he is becoming.  Last night we went to a college night hosted by our city.  It was very crowded and filled with resources for kids and the parents that went with information and a touch base for colleges all over the country.  I am most pleased my son showed interest.  He's insisted he doesn't want to go to college, but I think he is now considering it.  He'd gone off on his own for a few hours and checked out stuff on his own, pretending he didn't know me or his brother.  I picked up extra materials I thought he might have missed.

My poor son...his birthday falls in the hottest month, when I am always my most broke.  This is a big one too!  He's 18.  This time of year is always tough for me...August, back to school.  An incoming Freshman and an Outgoing Senior is extra expensively wonderful.  Total tap out.  September is car smog, car registration and typically slow at work on top of my sons birthday.  Yes I planned ahead and still broke.  So his birthday 'gifts' are on delay, though I did buy him a rock tee he loves, and a Star Wars tee he also loves.  My plan is to take him to a local shop to buy more rock tee's, a local used music and DVD store to buy whatever, The Scottish Games (this is as much for me as them because I have wanted to go for years and always seem to see the date for the event on the back of a bus, the day of, when it is over), and that same evening several punk bands are playing an all ages show.  He's a cool guy and happy to wait for what I came up with.



A bit more, I have stopped online dating.  It's a pain in the ass.  However, I think it had the desired effect.  I experienced what I really wanted, the across the room look.  I have no idea if I will ever see The Sculptor again.  I'd really like to.  However, the little steps taken in online dating have brought me to a place I like and though the men I met were nice they were so far away from anything I want for my life and consistently so I had to give it up.  I think I will focus on fitness instead...walking with my IPod, getting a yoga and stretching routine going at home, and my little yoga class.  As well, I will take a computer literacy class through adult ed.  Move my life forward.  I want my personal/romantic life to be realized but there are a lot of other things I'd like have happen as well.  Those I Can personally control.  I guess the rest is up to my instincts and the Universe.