Something Nice

I went to the Shoreline Amphitheater in Palo Alto California to see John Mayer.  We sat on the Green, I watched a little on the screen as we were far away and in a sea of people.  Mostly I listened.

I relaxed and felt free from everything that has been happening in the last seven months if only for a few hours.  

He's great live.

Where We Stand

People don't stick
You can't throw them against the wall to test them out.  To know ahead of time if they'll be there when the low downs come to soul town.

They let me down.

People don't stick
They don't stick around when they're needed.  They get tired and have their own sticky lives to deal with.

I've let them down.

People don't stick
No matter how hard I try, they leave me laying in the dark wondering where they've gone off to.  Shhhh, the loneliness is loud

My heart is down

People don't stick
They lie about why or leave silently like the sun being eaten up by shadows.  Reflections of them are lessons

Swallow the loneliness down

People don't stick
They treat your bad times like a catching disease, wishing me the best and don't call me please

down, down

People don't stick
Not family born, not family made.  They don't stick, they trade up

Twisted down

You let me down...

People don't stick
I've spent years trying to form bonds that last only to have the trying cut deep grooves in my trust

Slipped down

People don't stick
The list is life long, life moments of comers and goers

But You, You let me down

People don't stick
Not a word, not a sound.  Don't shoot the messenger, I guess with you the memories are best left in that box marked I love you, but unopened and stunted with out action

You let me down

I Could Have Been

I could have been a boxer instead of a paper doll

I could have been the Rock that fell instead of the one you stood on

I could have rolled alone instead of with the punches you landed

I could have gone down in flames instead drowning

I could have danced instead of sleep walking

I could have stayed, I could have stayed

Instead I shadow boxed your demons
I rolled drowning in waves as my heart burned to ashes
and now you sleep

Salty blue veins of dreams
and for now you are close, 

The drawer shut, & sinking into my skin
where the bruises show on my knuckles, my chest

My ribs

Under my eyes
And where I keep taking it on the chin

Seven and Counting

I'm very tired.

Forward

There are so many little things I could write out.  Intricacies.  I tried but felt I came short particularly because I haven't brought every experience or encounter here so it would seem a sudden revelation and without ongoing details... blunt and lacking?

I did go to 'As' 

It was painful just deciding to go.  I'm glad I did, but it was painful and awkward.  Then incredibly isolating.  My sons had fun.  They helped to set up, fire, and discard fireworks. 

When I arrived his wife and daughter were in the backyard with the grand kids.  His son inside with his girlfriend.  His wife and daughter were welcoming.  His son has always been sort of an asshole, his girlfriend not particularly different than her partner.  The other brother lives down south, the nice one like his sister.  I regretted his absence.  Typically their house is filled with people.  Yesterday it was just nuclear family which I think added to it being awkward.

My sons got in the pool, so did 'As' wife and I.  Then A showed up and joined us. We needed to cool off and it helped us to relax.  I was quietly questioning my wisdom in going.  Then we headed to the front yard for dinner and waiting for the dark and the fireworks.

'A' introduced me to everyone.  He was great.  He was a considerate host.

When we left I felt glad I went, and I was glad to head home.

Today I nursed emotional hang over.  Another first behind me.

When I finally got moving I turned my mattress.  Now I no longer sleep in the depression John made.  The bedding is fresh and clean.  The boys and I got out, if only to shop for groceries.  I plan to take them to the movie theater tomorrow or Sunday. 

Tomorrow night I will go see a band at that outdoor venue I'd mentioned before.  I've decided to stay friends with one of the two men we'd met that night.  She and I both talk to him.  He's nice, genuine.  The other one has so many red flags waving I have no interest in returning his passive aggressive text messages and I now feel totally fine with that.  He reflects so many of John's negative personality traits I almost feel like it is a test of some kind the universe has sent me.  Like some Dick & Jane test of 'Are You Paying Attention To Your Instincts?!!?'

Yes, yes I am.

I spent a few one on one moments with him, due to his annoying me to be completely honest.  I wanted to see if what I was seeing in him was something I could trust about myself.  I found him to be consistently passive aggressive, self involved, closed off, controlling, and strangely ... he used his dog to seem more, um, I don't know how to describe it.  More, 'See? I'm a good guy' kind of thing.  He spent a lot of time telling me how nice he is, how considerate.  However, when he had moments to be what he said he was the opposite.  He showed a petty childish jealous streak as well.

No.  Thank.  You.

Sometimes the things I encounter and have to face make me want to just stay indoors.

However, my response to this guy was to call my girlfriend and let her know we need 'Girl Time'.

I need to get out and meet more people, get out and live more.  Experience more.

Today was not the day.  Tonight was not the night.  I needed some down time to relax and recover.

Anyway... Goodnight.

The Space You Occupied

I'm not doing well. This will not read well...
I sleep on my side of the bed.  I sleep in the slightly depressed spot John occupied.  When I moved in the mattress was turned, my spot-your space.  Last night I turned over, slipping one of my pillows in front of me, eyes closed.  I whispered, 'I want you to see you, I want you there when I open my eyes'
And you weren't there. 
'A' called to invite the boys and I for 4th block party.  I accepted.  I'm so fucking scared to go alone without you.  You and the boys were my life.  Your family and friends became my family and friends.  It was natural.  I was alone with my sons when I met you... I'm alone with my sons again. 
I've have a few friends this time, yes.  I'm tempted to just get in the car with the boys and drive out of town, drive away from this first 4th without you, without the given of spending it with your family.  Now that your ashes are cast so are those relationships.  Driving away from spending it with your friend and his family.  Running as fast I can away from what is past and such a painful present... I can't see this going well.  My anxiety is increasing. 

This morning I made coffee in a sunny kitchen and without warning or warm up I started to cry.  I left the kitchen.  I went back for a cup and started to cry again.  Sitting in bed watching tv, I find myself sobbing.  I felt like you were right there and I couldn't touch you.  I felt like I should be looking forward to things like I did just last year, and I can't, and my only response is this hollow sense of loss and fear of how do I get through this?

I see our life together played out.  What it was and wasn't, what it could have been.

I get mad at myself.  You're gone.  I think about all the little things I have done in the last six months.  Things that have made the space between then and now making me a different person. 

I said I would go.  'A', of all of your friends always made the boys and I feel welcome...

I told my oldest we were going.

Right now I am not so sure... I'm not sure I can handle it.

Deep Fried

A: the easy part:  Business plan that had me stressing is a Plan, not a move. That was just too much too soon.  I'm tired of change.  I'm relieved.  We have a goal in mind, we feel we'd be good business partners.  I just hope we can make it happen.  We both have a way to go though.  I'd prefer if we were both more than reasonably out of debt.  I have to begin collecting things I need to function in a professional capacity and that takes a back seat to my debt.  Actually, I don't even really care right now.  Figuring that shit out is now at the bottom of my priority list.

My 'bad decision' was my tattoo.  Instead of having sex with several men and using my grief as an excuse to go off the deep end I chose a tattoo... something I've wanted for a while based in subject matter I've liked since I was a girl. My point with that is this... it isn't just a random, 'I think I'll get a tattoo to mark this awful year of my life because I'm emotional'.  It's for me.  Sure it has meanings but really I just wanted it.  
It's gorgeous by the way.  It isn't finished, but it is lovely.  I love it more and more every day.  Japanese floral partial back piece.
I am putting myself into debt with this tattoo.  I chose it, I accepted it, I'm doing it, I'll pay for it. 

Yes, John is gone and even though the weekend really threw me off the delicate (false) sense of balance I was gaining I understand he's gone.  I understand I am moving forward even if I still cry every day and not just because of him.  Even if it is only that I am breathing and continuing to face each day and continue to take care of my sons and life as we know it.  I know I am picking up the pieces and starting over.  I know I have a lot to sort through.  I know I lack joy and happiness.  I know I'm going through the motions...

I know I am not ready for someone to come into my life and after this afternoon I don't know that I could no matter how badly I want someone to trust and RIGHT now, lean on.

I feel really alone. 

This afternoon, I now KNOW, not just guess, KNOW my youngest son is Bi-sexual.  I suspect he's gay but I accept his definition of himself. I totally support him in his sexual preference whatever it may be.  I don't believe love is relegated to color, sex, or even age.  In fact I'm relieved we talked about it and he knows I support him and I'm not disappointed or anything ridiculous like that. 

I'm afraid though.  Only a little more than if he were clearly straight.  I'm afraid for Both of my sons to suffer broken hearts.  I'm afraid of them being used, disregarded, disrespected, hurt. 

That isn't what has me freaked out.

What is just breaking me right now is the issue of porn in regard to my youngest son. 

Porn.  I believe porn corrupts real intimacy.  I know intimacy can be had without sex.  I am focusing on my sons future experiences with sex, intimacy, first love(s).  I am afraid his turn ons won't be from the heart, from his mind, from love.  I am afraid Porn will infect his expectations before he's even experienced real intimacy.  There is no innocent discovery through attraction, feeling, a mutual crush.  His exposure has now taken away from those moments and he now has these base images that are stripped of all real intimacy and are just in fact base acts of gratification as his teacher.

I'm not trying to be over protective crazy unrealistic Mom here either.  I get that porn is a turn on.  I would feel this way if my son was looking at straight porn.

I'm not stupid.  Gay, Straight, Bi, etc... everyone ends up with hang ups, their fucked up a little or a lot, they struggle.  There is always a down side.  Clearly I get that.  I'm living it and I have lived it.

I don't want my son to be in danger.  I don't want my son to have to have such a difficult road before him.  Is there more acceptance towards Gay-Bi-etc, yes.  But there are also crazy fucking assholes out there that are dangerous.  I can't protect my sons from heartbreak, how can I protect my youngest in particular from predatory people if he's already been exposed and desensitized to visual base sexual gratification when he's still forming up his sexual identity?

He's already being bullied for being different.  He's struggled with adhd and has struggled socially.  He's very intelligent but his behavior has set him apart. 


I'm overwhelmed by too many things at once.  I'm tired and I'm scared.

I hope I wake up tomorrow and find a little hope...